Run away cart

I am pulling into Target and luck be with me I have a premo spot at the front of the store but as I am pulling in I notice that there is a cart in the front of the stall. If I pull all the way in, I should be okay. Plan is to pull in until I barely tap the cart. All is going well as I barely tap it. But then I notice that the carts front end is now slow swing out. Surely there is not enough slope for that thing to start rolling down hill. Oh there is slope and it is starting to pick up speed. Like in a horror film where the victim realizes he must get out of the car fast or be eaten, I throw it into park and frantically fumble with the seat belt that seems to be stuck. Cart is now 4 stalls away from broad siding some Cadillac. Finally I am out and racing wait no hobbling because of the slightly sprained ankle. Fighting through the pain I over take the cart stopping it short 5' from impact. I sort of expected a cheer or clapping from the spectators but most likely they were thinking WTF why was that old fat man in a polo fleece jacket racing across the parking lot for.
Sigh

Game of Chinese fire drill.

My wife and I am sure all wives have their red button. With mine it’s calling her by her mothers name and a helpful critique comment. If pushed, my life is hell for the next few hours. So normally she will not drive the car with me in it since some where down the line I will push the button with helpful comments like “brake, we’re going to die” Today she was driving because the van was in the shop and the backup was a clutch. I can’t drive a clutch due to my sprained ankle. We get to the 4 way stop and I am carefully monitoring who should go next, 3 cars then us. Apparently my wife thought no, screw those red necks in the pickup trucks, I am going. I pushed the button with “your not next” She slammed on the brakes and threw in the emergency brake. Her comment was “I am not driving” I thought well this can’t be good especially with 20 cars behind us, 5 o’clock traffic. She proceeds to get out of the car and comes around to my side. The thought of an angry 5'o clock traffic mob motivated me to get out with my sprained ankle. With the athleticism of a running back that has just pulled his Achilles tendon in full stride, I hop around the front of the car propping myself on the hood as I go. I throw myself butt first into the driver's seat but like normal my wife has left the seat 6" from the steering wheel. I am knocked back out onto my sprained ankle. I collapsed like sack of potatoes. From the ground I move the seat back and pull myself in. As I am driving off I was amazed that nobody honked at me but then again they were probably wondering if there was a part II to the show.
Sigh

Ya right Dad, it is gross

Son announces to me that his stool is plugged. Ya I will get to it later. Besides it was evening and I was tired so off to bed I went. Next morning son reports that Ashley had come home and even though he told her it was plugged, she did her business. So my scenario the next morning is plunging brown chunky soup with my faces inches from this delicacy. Several dry heaves later I am done. I ask her WTF and I thought you went off to college. Her comment “Ya it was pretty gross wasn’t it?” Sigh

What goes around comes around

I guess the old saying of what goes around comes around is true. When the kids were growing up, I would play absent minded driver. There was this stretch of road that ended with a hair pin 15mph curve. I would pretend to be distracted with the large beautiful houses on the right and not seeing the curve. The trick was to not start braking until I would hear the screams from the kids and sometimes the wife that we were going to die. Kids loved this for years. Well last week son Joe, 16, was driving that same stretch of road and hey if Dad can do it why can’t I. I was clueless to his thoughts until I noticed no braking action going on. I shot a quick glance at him only to see a smile on his face. This only increased the fear factor as I realized what trick he thought he was going to play out. Scenario is my son of 16 has 28 min of driving experience, 0 min of stunt experience, balled tires and no concept of his speed. Yes I was convinced this was not good. He over shot the turn but the anti lock brakes kicked in as the van floated to the outside of the turn. When I looked over at his face, he was white as a ghost. Must say I was really impressed with Anti-Lock Brake System. Sigh

It is not lunch but breakfast

I had made an especially good batch of beef stroganoff with steak sauteed onions and mushrooms in a red wine gravy. The left overs were going to make a great lunch, looking forward to it. When I get up in the morning a see my lunch with a fork in an empty tupperware container. I ask the wife WTF? Oh Ashley spent the night and was hungry. I don’t get it. I thought she was off to college. I see/feel her more now than when she was in High School. I really am beginning to believe those that say they change door locks when kids leave the house are serious.
Sigh

Gum and Dryer do not mix

I took pride in keeping our mega washer and dryer in tip top shape. Not sure what the thought process was but somebody threw in a wad of gum into the dryer and cranked it on high. You would think it would just be a blob, wrong. It flung and smeared the whole inside cavity of the drum. Took 90 min of scrubbing with barely legal chemicals to remove. Wife’s comment, “I thought that would be a good project for you” No, a good project would be soaking in my jacuzzi and downing a case of beer. Sigh

1 for the money 2 to get ready & 3 for the SHOW

One more reason the room should be dark for those intimate moments. Our house is setup with our bedroom and dining room connecting to the deck. One morning wife and I were having one of those moments and yes the door was locked. Apparently the shades were opened enough on the deck that the 2 dogs could see. The two were looking in but big deal, they are dogs. Wait or is that 3 dogs I see. No its 2 dogs and Gunnar. Apparently Gunnar was in the dinning room and was curious why the dogs were looking into our bed room so he joined in on the viewing. Afterwards as mom was explaining the show to Gunnar, I pretty much left when the explanation turned to trying to explain why daddy was sleeping on top of mom. And no, amazingly he never spoke of the incident again. A doctor in the family told us it’s the bodies safety mechanism to block out pyscholgical trauma. Sigh

Ashley's Luv for her roommates

I will say that daughter Ashley does entertain with her phone calls. One call that I got was garbled, something about pot, smoke and the police came. Due to the luv she has for her roommates she informed her dorm RA that there was a strange smell coming from her room. Ya like pot, call the cops. By the time cops showed up exhaust fans and steamy shower had removed the smell from the room.
Sigh

Jacuzzi, beer & a happy wife

I had been to the doctor earlier in the day with a twisted ankle. I was thinking how good it was going to feel in the next 2 hours when I was going to soak in the jacuzzi and down a case of beer. As I turned on the sink in the kitchen all I got was cold maybe room temp water. “Ashley”, damn she lives in the dorms, where did she come from? I didn’t hear the shower running. I quickly call her on her cell. “Ya dad I took a shower at your house but the water pressure was low so the shower took longer”. Ya longer until the 50gal water tank was empty. No jacuzzi, no beer, and no loose wife that night. Again I thought I had sent her off to college.
Sigh

Open the car door please

This is why I fear auto shutting car doors. Everyone was piling in but a apparently Molly decided that she was not going to let Gunnar get in on her side to cross over. So while they are having an intelligent debate on his request, unbeknownst to Gunnar Granny had started the automatic door closer. So there he is standing outside of the Van with his hand shut in the door. I don’t think he contemplated the situation fully until mom heard his faint pleas of “my hand”. Pandemonium broke out as everyone was screaming for Grandma to open the door. Grandma not understanding the random screams only froze in the act. I think at this point Gunnar realized this might not turn out good with his hand disappearing in the shut door. Finally someone got the door open. Fortunately he only wore crease marks on his hand, nothing broke. His comment was only “WHAT TOOK SO LONG!!” If this had happened to his sister Molly, we would been in ER. Sigh.

Your hair seems fuller to night

Typical 14 hour day for me at work. I took a nice hot shower and knowing that the wife had just put on clean flannel sheets decided no PJs tonigh, that’s right the buff. As I slid into bed I noticed too that the wife had taken a shower, the mood was set. Just needed to finish a thought and zzzzzz. After a brief 5 hour resting of the eyes, I started to hold my wife. Wow the hair seemed fuller and longer and darker and F____! Its my daughter. So the story goes that she had been partying and got confused so when my wife left she took her spot in bed. Lesson learned, never assume the women in your bed is the women you started off with, sigh.

Flag Football, the Safe Sport

The 6 year old is now into Flag football, a new concept from the backyard tackle with 11 and 15year olds. It was the first game and he was pumped up. He had been coached to crash through the line and get the person with the ball. Quarterback takes the hike, Gunnar is off. Knocking several kids to the ground he is through the line. I am screaming “Gunnar get him”. QB hands off to a girl RB. Now I scream “Gunnar get her.” He hits her a drops her like a sack of potatoes. Crowd starts muttering who was that kid? Now realizing this wasn’t tackle but a friendly game of touch flag football my chants of “Get her” turn to “ya who was that kid?” The crying girl is lead off the field holding her arm while Gunnar is getting a talk from the umpire, “Ya who was that kid.”
Sigh

Cliford Notes Please

Now I didn’t think this to be unusual but others thought I had lost touch with reality. Daughter was having trouble with a College Math class so being on Campus already, I started going to the lecturers and taking notes for her. It’s not like am chauffeuring her around from class to class like her mom, geeez.

Dorm Room Service Please

I thought my biggest challenge was getting my HighSchool daughter out of my bed, I was wrong. Now that she is in college and living the dorm life she has developed new expectations, “DORM SERVICE” please.

I am heading out for racketball at 10:15pm when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call. Tuna sandwich, lite on mayo, lettuce, cheese and black cracked pepper, bag of chips and a chilled diet coke and could you get that here by 10:30pm. Wife tells me, “Do it.” Sigh

Crawling into bed at 12:10am comfy and all when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, daughter had to park out in the bad lands parking lot and needs an escort, “Do it.”, she says.

8:10pm just got home and am enjoying my warmed over dinner when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, bring pink shirt for sorority by 8:30, big function, wife says, “Do it”.

Just settled in with a Chuck Norris show at 11:15pm when “Dorm Service”, laptop is having network problems and paper is due tomorrow. Ya, ya, I know “Do it.” And to think she could have gone to another school far away from my house but at least she is not in my bed.

No More Pitching from the Knees

I now know why they won’t let people over 40 adopt babies. Kids are too hard on our bodies. I am 45 and will be 60 when the last ones out. With 4 kids and their chaos some how I forget about events that are potential injury. Gunnar was wanting to practice baseball before baseball tryouts. Did the usually and lug down to the field the net, bucket of balls, bat bag, 20lb hitting tee and started practice. After successful completing the hitting drills, Gunnar was excited to have live hitting, pitches from the old man. Soon he was disappointed as it is hard for a 6' person to pitch down to a 6yr old, too much arch. Remembering from my younger days as a coach, we would pitch from our knees. Make sense, you are now right at their level. I backed away 30' feet away from the plate and start pitching. One after another he smacked fly balls into the out field. I was really impressed with his swing, the pivot of his hips and the power he was putting on it. When the ball is sailing high in the air one doesn’t realize how fast it is really traveling, soon for me to find out. Next pitch I instructed for him to have a more level swing when meeting the ball. He obliges on the next swing with a line drive up the middle. My cat like reflexes are replaced with a rigamortis response. Lucky for me the ball missed my head but slowed down on my ankle then between the legs. I have been hit down there so many times I was only laid out for 20 seconds. All I could hear as I slumped over was Gunnar cheering with excitement as if he had won a carnival ride, he was beaming with pride. Practice was over but I was thinking, next time I will get Joe to pitch on his knees, he is young and he never reads the blog.

Four in a Bed, no Problem

Other than almost dying from Ashley’s driving we make it to Iowa for the reunion. Wife was not going so that left Molly with the aunt and Joe, Ashley and Gunnar in one room with me. Turns out instead of 2 queens there was a pullout and one King. Everyone voted themselves to the King. Confident that my alpha male qualities would be enough to direct people to their proper beds when the time came, I didn’t give it much thought. By 9:00pm it was apparent I was in trouble. Gunnar had already crashed out in the middle of the King and Ashley was lying on the edge. Joe was just coming out of the shower, the air was tense, I could sense that people were going to realize hey there isn’t enough room for all of us in the King. I decided not to go to the bathroom and make my move instead. With the athleticism of a linebacker making a dive on the QB, I cleared Gunnar and most of Ashley, clothes on and all. Then all hell broke loose, like a mad scramble for a loose football. With me in a dominate center of the bed position Joe and Ashley quickly claimed the outer edges of the bed. Pleases, threats and logical arguments had no affect, they were there for the night. For this arrangement to work I had to sleep/lay on my side with clothes on along with my full bladder. Ashley about 20min into the ordeal launched a barrage of nasty farts not to be unchallenged with my own volley. Nobody left and now we all suffered the stench of sweat and farts. Somehow I feel asleep, I think, but at 2:10am had a strong urge for the bathroom. With everyone asleep I should be out and back undetected. I carefully slid myself up and down off the bed undetected. As I was trying to figure out how I could sleep in my 18" gap of a bed there was a sound of a shift. Bodies that were once ridged and straight retracted into a fetal position. My space disappeared, gone. I was driven off to the in-laws bed, the pullout for the rest of the night. Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Studying Late Techniques

It was a long weekend and Ashley need a “little” help on math. That meant, “I didn’t understand the Russian Guy and there is 50 problems due tomorrow.” The plan was that I would work them out and she could reference my work as she did the problems. I must have gotten to ingrossed to notice that she had slipped away and had fallen asleep. Well it was late for a freshman, 3:00am. This aint highschool anymore, Freshman, Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Needs Ride

Ashley is now in College as a Freshman. A time where they can focus on there independence from there parents. I know this as I am reminded all the time from my daughter on how she is so done with us and she is on her own, well when its convenient. My wife was picking me up to take me up from work at the university to a 9:30 doc appt. When she picks me up she said she has to pick up our beloved Ashely. I say for what. Wife reports that Ashley called her for ride from one building to the next. By walking a 6 min walk, by car with crosswalk traffic, 15-20min. Oh and she instructed my wife to by back at 10:30 because she needed a ride to another class. Sigh, Freshman.

But It Is Not A Double Line

Joey, Ashley and myself were on our way to Iowa. Some how I found my self on the back road, Highway 2 heading East with my daughter driving. This is a hilly area, steep short hills, very hard to pass on. About 30 min into this near death experience we come across someone doing the speed limit but being a teenager driver this was unacceptable and they must be passed. As I noticed she was casually moving over into the passing lane at the bottom of the hill, we were passing the “No Passing” sigh. I scream at her to get back over, she yells back “why?” I scream with the intensity of we are going to die scream “Get Back Over” As we pull back over I count 3 seconds before I see a white pickup truck cresting the hill coming our way. I am guessing that had we continued our course of death she would have been maybe half a car length ahead in her pass when we would have confront the other truck 300 feet in front of us or with combined speeds, 2 seconds before impact. None of my analysis sunk in, she was more focused that the solid yellow line was not double and why couldn’t she have passed. Sigh

Oh Please Let Me Be Drunk, Dad

So I was coming home from a friendly drink at the local pub when the sirens lit up behind the soccer van I was driving. I had only had 2 beers and that was over and hour ago and being a big guy of 250lbs I would have had more of a buzz from a swig of mouth wash than I had right at the moment.
“Sir, have you been drinking?” Why yes, 2 to be exact. “I am only asking as I noticed the strong alcohol as I approached the car.” I am thinking to myself, does this Copper have a nose of a Canine or what? “Sir please step out of the vehicle, the reason I pulled you over was for a headlight out.” Common theme for me, headlights out and cops. As he directs me toward the front of the car I can tell he is watching my natural athletic posture as I walk. Next thing I hear is “Mike I am going to need backup, I have a big one here” I am thinking please don’t have this end up with me in a fetal position on the ground with a tazer wire sticking out of me. He gives me the basic touch your nose and watch your eyes as he moves the pen, this is the pre sobriety test. Keep in mind there are flood lights in the parking lot in front blinding me and I have not had sleep in 3 weeks. “Sir I am going to fail you on your pre-tests. You hare having trouble touching your nose, your eyes are bouncing, you have slurred speech and strong alcohol on your breath.” I tell him that I feel just fine. He explains that you could drink 1 oz of beer and have a .0005% but fail the test making you impaired under the influence. He said most likely he was going to have to take me in for being under the influence of alcohol but wanted to wrap it up with the breath analyzer. As he was giving it to me, I started thinking that it really doesn’t matter what your blood level is but whether you can past the test and if I had already failed the test then my excuse better be alcohol and not just you are inherently to impaired to drive, ever! Test come back, he has a puzzled look and said, “you are at .01, have a good night sir.” Ten seconds later, he and his backup are gone leaving me standing there thanking my lucky stars that I had an excuse for failing, alcohol.
Lesson learned, make sure car lights lights work if you are going out drinking. Sigh.

Gunnar 6 yr update

Not much of a story but does illustrate the 6yr old has no fear. Worlds of Fun has a sling were they hoist you up 200 feet into the air and let you drop/swing. I would rather be administered a double dose of rabe shots before that adventure but he loves it.

Just finished the county fair tractor pedal competition coming in 1st. It came down to him and a big farm girl but he was going to do it because he wanted the trophy. We are off to state competition later this Fall.

I also got him a 90cc but after the clutch issue with Joe decided we wouldn't try it until he finished 1st grade.

Joe's new 125cc MotorCycle

This was Joe's first motorcycle for him, a 125cc 5 speed manual. Joe had ridden his 6yr old brothers 50cc which is an automatic and did quit well. In his mind he was one 125cc away from having the skill set of a professional rider. I got him aimed down out of the driveway and after about 200 kick starts, didn't know where the choke was, we were idling. Not sure where 1 st gear was, I was going to have to run back in the house and look at the manual. As I left I said, "Joe keep it idling but do NOT try to shift this thing until I get back." I run into the house for a mere 30 sec for the shifting info but when I get back there is no Joe and there is no motorcycle. Not seeing him down the street I scan to my right and see a trail across our yard through our neighbors and a tire skid mark across their driveway followed by a blue skid mark across the driveway. Joe is coming back with a bloody arm. I asked him WTF were you thinking? He said as soon as I closed the door gong into the house he realigned himself for our neighbors house, dropped into first gear, gunned it like they do on TV and let go/popped of the clutch. Could have been worse, he could not have wiped out and gone through our neighbors garage door for $1,200. With this show of good judgement he reminded me that mom had just put him on the insurance so he can start driving the '87 manual honda accord. He assured me that a car’s clutch will be much easier to drive and there will be no further need to drive across our neighbors yard.
Sigh

Thinning Down the Gene Pool

Its fourth of July and the family is off to see the fireworks at Leawood. Being that we wanted to avoid the heavy traffic, we decide to park about a mi away at a office building complex. The parking was nice with grassy knolls between parking areas. We spread our blankets on one of these patches of grass. Good to go, fireworks started but some of the trees ahead were blocking our view. We decided to move up closer to the trees so we could see the show. Kids race forward as I gathered some of our things. When I started walking forward, I saw to my horror Joe and his cousin had moved forward alright, they had moved onto a 4 lane curb less road. They were laying out on the blankets with their heads on the pillows all comfy and not. I screamed “JOE, get out of the road” He turned back to look at me with a puzzled look on his face. He quickly looked to his right as his plight started sinking in. He quickly spun to his left only to see the SUV coming in at 40mph. At this point I might have as well screamed “the Rapters are coming.” In frantic terrorized manner, he scooped up blankets and chairs as he barreled rolled off the road. I asked him WTF were you doing? He could only say “we almost got hit.”
Sigh

Diving Team Tryouts

Leave it to the older sister Molly 9 to convince Gunnar 6 that he couldn't dive off the "High" diving board at the city pool. Next thing the sitter notices is a small crowd gathering around the other end of the pool next to the diving boards. To her horror there was little Gunnar at the end of the High board slowly putting his hands over his head. He doesn’t know how to dive but is just mimicking what he had seen others do. Sitter is screaming,"No Don't do it Gunnar!" But Gunner is too much in diving concentration to hear their pleas. Body falls forward in an outstretched, perfect belly flop formation. Life guard came running over to see him stunned, face down in the water, slowly moving his arms in attempt to swim. His only words were "that hurt". sigh

Punch ...8,9,10 he is out, or not?

I was in the kitchen and I am not clear what sparked this other than sounds like fun. My son Gunnar who is 6 at 70 pounds and an avid wrestler was laying on the couching reading a book. My 9 yr old daughter Molly weighing in at 54 pounds decided to do something dumb but fun. I look over and I see her standing on the top of the arm rest at the other end of the couch were Gunnar was quietly reading. As I was trying to figure WTF, I see her launch her self in a sprawled eagle style toward Gunnar, sort of like they do off the top ropes in WWF. I here a thud as she lands on top of him. With the back of the couch to me blocking my view, all I can see next is her arm and fist rising and falling over and over above the back of the couch. I think Gunnar was so engrossed in the book that the first 2 or 3 punches he would have ignored but no, she did a rapid 5 punches which was enough to trigger his "Hulk" mode. She springs off of him and is making a mad dash toward me. Gunnar comes up with fire in eyes while grabbing the Calamine spray can. Sssssss as closes in on her, he leaves a trail of lotion on the couch. Molly hugs my leg for dear life like that is going to stop his head lock he now has her in. I finally get him in a full nelson and get him quieted down. Later on I ask Molly, WTF, you know he can hurt you bad, "I know daddy but it was fun", sigh.

6yr olds Grand Slam

So I had been spending a lot of time at practices and games with my older boy and the 9yrold daughter with baseball and softball. The little boy had been bugging me to take him out to play catch with him at the ball fields. Off we went, after about 20 minutes of catch and dusk starting to settle in he said, "Daddy I want you to pitch overhand like the big boys do." Reluctant but thinking hey I'll just put a helmet on him and he should be okay we proceed on.. We setup for the first pitch. He looked so cute with his helmet on clutching his bat like old Barry Bond. I was standing about 30 feet away as I unleashed my famous fast ball. The swing was of perfect form followed by a ting. I was then thinking with such a perfect swing where did the ball go when I was met with a burning pain on the side of my head as I collapsed to the ground. As I got my eyes focusing more, I look up to see my boy standing over me with bat in hand saying, "See daddy, I told you I could hit the ball real far." As I recanted my near death experience with my family the older boy Joe, 16 said, "Ya when I pitch to him he hits them to the fence."
Sigh

Who needs a barber?

Most kids do this when they are four but not Joe. He waited until he was sixteen. Mom insisted to Joe that he needed a nice haircut and her being the mom the discussion was done. Joe set out to prove that he could make a statement. Apparently he spent two hours working on his head. When mom got home, all she could do was gasp and start whimpering. Joe had shaved his head. Well what he could reach. He looked a like a mangy dog or someone going through chemotherapy as clumps of hair still remained. It will be will documented as the family reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks.
Sigh

Don't hurt me daddy

It was after baseball practice and Joe had been bugging me to let him drive home. I had said no but before I knew it he was in the drivers seat shutting the door. Before I could get the door handle release he gets the door locked. With lightening fast reflexes I reach in the open window and unlock it but he was quick too and relocked it. I reached in again but my fingers seemed like they just couldn't reach it this time. I was thinking of the physics of this dilemma when I felt a terrible pain on my arm that was reached in. In horror I realized he had shut the power windows on my arm. Apparently my face of panic/rage scared him off as he was now cowering safely on the other side of the car. I screamed something about ripping off his nuts if he didn't release the window. Threats of violence worked and he release my now black and blue arm. Coach came running over and said, "don't hurt his pitching hand". As we drove home I asked him what the hell was he thinking of. All I got was I got scared daddy.
Sigh

Dad’s Dream at Baseball

It was Winter time and me and my boy had been practicing through Winter to get ready for Spring baseball tryouts for the HS. I had spent many of cold days out on the field pitching balls and working on hitting. Today’s practice was different, it was warm, birds were chirping and the big try out was the next day. Our father son practice was over when my son had an idea. He would pitch one to me so I could have the glory of cracking one with the old wooden bat. As he was getting set on the mound I was visioning my perfect swing sending the ball deep to center field. The pitch came, perfect, right down the middle. Using perfect technique I gave the ball a crack, it was going to be a home run. As I gazed out into center field looking for my ball, I hear a thud and in horror see my son stretched out on the ground grabbing his knee. As I helped him hobble to the car, I kept assuring him it was nothing but couldn’t help notice the bloody marks left by the stitches on the inside of the knee.

Luck be with him it didn’t affect his tryout and he made the team. I have sworn off taking batting practice from my kids.

Pukaroma I, II,III,& IV

March 27, 1999 Pukaroma Weekend, the Nightmare Begins.
Cast:
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Mom
Dad
Ashley 11
Joey 8
Molly 1.5

9:00pm Family was finishing up eating Daddy's world famous homemade pizza and yes
some say it's better than our beloved Tim McCune's.

10:00pm All is quite, all are asleep.
1:08am I was brought out of my sleep to hear coughing, gulping and a little crying from
hour 18mos old. I dashed into her room to gladly see she was just doing dry heaves. With not a moment to spare I snatched her out of bed with only 9 large steps to the bathroom. But as I
turned around I met mom who was concerned and wanted me to stop so she could assess the
situation, being a nurse and all. My screams of “get out of my way woman she's gonna blow” were ignored by my wife.
The 3 second delay was long enough for the projectile vomit stream to strike me in the side of the face and part of the bed. In a futile attempt to get to the bathroom I left a trail of regurgitated pepperoni pizza.

1:10am As wife gives Molly a bath and starts the one of many loads of laundry, I am going
down stairs to bring up Mr. Bissle to start cleaning up the trail of puke. I was about halfway
done dreaming of going back to bed when I heard out of Ashley's room one large cough then 2
seconds of rushing liquids roaring out of her mouth.

1:25am Her room was a site to see. She had turned and caught the edge of the bed where
it sprayed over the other half of the room. Now here would be a good argument to keep your
stuff picked up in ones room because now all her stuff including clothes had chucks and liquid
pizza clinging to them.

1:30am Mom hauls her to the bathroom where she remained curled in a fetal position next to the porcelain throne. Another load of laundry to be done

1:48am Mr. Bissle has taken care of Trail of Puke and we are now heading into Ashley's
room to deal with the regurgitated pizza spackled floor. I discovered that pepperoni takes a long
time to digest as I had to hand pick those pieces up.

2:08am I am emptying Mr. Bissle when I hear Joe yell I don't
feel well. I asked him if he felt like throwing up and he answered with a rush of vomit. Mom
cleaned him up and sent him to the other bathroom to curl up in the fetal position, this is going to
be a popular position tonight. Another load of laundry to do.

2:59am Done with Ashley's room and halfway done with Joe's carpet when I hear my wife
screaming she can't make it. As I was about ask what did she mean by I can't make it I hear
hacking and coughing with her head pointed at the one spot of carpet untouched by vomit. I
grabbed her and drug her to the toilet where buckets came streaming out.

4:20am 5 loads of laundry are done, beds made, kids and mom curled at the porcelain alter
for the night, my work is done, time to sleep now.

April 8, 2000 Pukaroma Weekend II

These are true stories and as much as I would like to say they are embellished they are not. In
fact I probably have blocked out some of the horrid details. You ask what is the purpose of these
writings? Answer, planned parent hood. If you have a young couple and they are thinking they
are ready for kids then give them the Pukaroma Weekend stories and see if they are ready, I'm
betting not since I'm 40 now and I get weak thinking about the future stories I have yet to write.

A 4 mos boy was added to the all star cast.
Gunnar
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty

Day 1
10:30pm: I had just changed a major dry heave diaper on Gunnar and lucky for me the
diaper had contained the soupage so other than the pungent stomach ripping smell all had gone
well. I was calling it a night. As I was walking back to my bed of comfort I passed Ashley's
room only to hear major dinosaur calls, not a good thing. I ran in hoping she was only in the dry
heave stages but no. There was a 1 foot diameter pool of regurgitated chunked soup on her
comforter. Apparently my turning on the light was a big mistake because when she saw what
was in her bed she freaked. There might as well have been a bed full of spiders as she flung the
comforter with the self contained vomit off the bed. Now chunks and puke came raining down in
the room like a Wizard's blizzard in Warcraft II. Puke had now claimed the walls, desk, blanket,
sheets, bed comforter, and 20sq feet of carpet. After hosing off the comforter on the back porch
(my dogs will love this reheated treat) 2 loads of laundry and 30 min with the Bissle Clean
Machine (can't live without one) I was making Ashley's bed.

11:38pm As a precaution I put towels down on the floor and a large overflow bowl for
future episodes. I was gleefully skipping back to my room after tucking her in when I seemed to
notice gut wrenching odor. It was Molly and she was working on a blowout from the bottom
end. Just as I was going to assess the leakage factor I heard back in the other room more praying to the porcelain alter. As I walked back to Ashley's room I wasn't too worried since she had that bowl but no it was It was all over her blankets. Apparently she was too tired to lean over and hit the bowl.

12:08am Bad news Molly's soupy diaper had penetrated through, blown up the back and
was now soaking into the bedding. I wrapped her up in a towel and gingerly carried her to
the bathtub hoping not to drip any soupage on the carpet. By now the combination of puke and
diarrhea stench was not helping with my digestion of the pizza I had eaten earlier.

1:10am Molly was now bathed and dressed, and in bed asleep. Time to hit the hay. As I
was heading to our bathroom I heard little Gunnar coughing or was that puking? Another reason
not to have extra bedding and cute stuff toys in the crib. Sure enough yellow puke all over
bedding and stuffed animals. As I picked him up he let me know he still loved me with a little
yellow projectile vomiting on me. But luck was with me since my large body had enough surface
area that the puke never reached the carpet. I wiped the puke off of me (his first puke ever),
changed his outfit, washed his bedding and took that well deserved shower.

2:15am Climbed into bed. Wife coming out of her oblivious comma sleep nudges me
saying she had had a rough day and could I keep the racket down, oh and could I get her some
juice. If only I could sleep so well.

2:20am Before my senses take in any more I passed out.

Day 2 Relatively speaking a better day

11:30pm The wife and I had just settled down into the Jacuzzi. As I was twisting off the
cap to my wine cooler I heard a startling pound on the bathroom door followed by "I threw up".
Sigh, wife said enjoy the moment here check on his undocumented claim later but it was hard to
relax knowing there was puke claiming more and more territories as I waited.

12:05am Hauled out my friend Mr. Bissle and headed for Joe's room. The good news was
he leaned over the bed and missed all of the bedding. The bad news was 2 of his dresser drawers
were pullout and thus were visited by Mr. Puke. But that was easy to cleanup as I pulled them
out into a heap for my lovely wife to have for the next morning. Mr. Bissle groaned from the
excessive use and split out a connecting hose spewing water all over the walls. No problem used
a towel on the floor to catch the drippage and grabbed the leaking hose with my hand and hurried on to get the job done.

1:12am Fell into bed, closed eyes but now I hear Gunnar crying, something about a tummy
ache. Brought Gunnar to wife, wife says he's ready to go back. Five min later Gunnar is ready
to visit mom again, and so on and so on.
2:30am Passed out.

6:15am Tap on shoulder its Molly she's hungry now.



February 27, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday III

It truly makes you wonder how parents make it raising kids. No choice of our own an average night our sleep is 5hrs with one to two awakenings. These are all true stories. Molly is 3.5yrs and Gunnar is 14mos.

11:45pm I get the giddy idea that we should go to bed early, so we do, skipping
extracurricular activities and going straight for sleep.

12:19am Gunnar does his stretching shrieking cry. So wife puts him in OUR bed with
bottle. Not a good move in hind sight.

12:30am Gunnar flings empty bottle on to dad's unprotected face, a ritual to let dad know
that he his done and will be settling down for the night in dads ever shrinking bed real estate.

12:45am Whimper noises coming from son, dad ignores figuring its another ploy to push
dad close to edge of bed.

12:50am Gunnar places hands on dads chest to better prop himself up in bed in an effort to
get his head in a more dominating position.

12:51am Gunnar now speaks but instead it's a rumbling cough followed by the ever so
missed projectile vomit. Sigh

1:15am Gunnar is washed down, dad is washed down, new set of bed sheets and
thankfulness that nothing landed on the carpet.

1:18am Gunnar back in bed, dad reclaims bed real estate.

1:30am Molly comes busting in the room running over to mom's side. A little unusual
aggressive behavior for 1:30am but mom brushes off suspicious behavior saying Molly just misses her mommy.

1:31am Molly cuddles next to mom and mumbles something. As mom is guessing what
word Molly is saying mom stumbles on the phrase "throw up". During the process of confirming
this, I am left with the dilemma of do I grab her and fling her into the bathroom 14' away with the gamble I don't make it and thus leaving the trail of puke on the carpet or do I let mom take the brunt of her dinosaur calls. Choice was easy let mom take the hit, since the decision making is in my head but God for bid if she knew I let nature takes its course on her.

1:55am Mom has taken her shower, molly washed up towels laid on bed, we ran out of
bed sheets by now, and everyone dozing off. As I am sinking into my cherished 4.5 hours of
sleep, mom sighs and mutters something about I am surprised the other 2 kids haven't been
singing their song.

6:30am As luck would have it sleep was on our side for now but the weekend is still not
far away.

November 21, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday IV

The day before I had gotten a request for the stories and I had thought to myself glad I am just
sending these stories and not writing them.

6:38 pm Settling in watching my son at basketball at practice, wife is at work and Ashley is
watching the 4 year old and 2 year old at home.

6:40pm Phone rings, Ashley is screaming and crying that Matthew is Puking everywhere and she was leaving in 10 min so I better get home. On the drive home I was trying to remember after cleaning out the basement where I had put Mr. Bissel after the last episode.

6:51pm Came in through the door only to be hit by a heavy acidic blast of odor. From my vast
experience in this type of situation I was able to contain my dry heave urges. The kids seemed
to be settled down and from what I could reconstruct this is what happened. Gunnar started
gurgling which brought Ashley over to check things out. Then he projected out a heavy
green/yellow thick fluid at her which of course landed on the carpet. Ashley turned and ran in terror cowering on the couch as if a mouse was about on the floor. Gunnar scared wanted comfort so he climbed on the couch seeking the comfort he needed from Ashley. Then another belch and mor yellow chunky substance splattered the couch. Ashley jumped off and went racing to her room with Gunnar dripping puke following in her steps.

6:55pm I picked up Gunnar placed him in the bath tub, stripped him down and gave him a
sponge bath, in hind site I should have waited another 5 min.

7:15pm I brought in Mr. Bissle from the garage. By the time I got back Gunnar was crying. I
picked him up expecting more of a mess in the crib but found none. Then I noticed my hands
were starting to feel damp. I started to unzip him but was only half way down before I realized
the dampness was a blow out which went all the way up the back to the neck. Never new mixing
a blowout with puke could be so hard on the lungs.

7:25pm Placed him back in the tub for a complete bath.

7:40pm He is dressed and happy so I better get back to the mess before it sits in.

7:45pm I screw the hose from Mr. Bissle on to the sink only to notice the washer is cracker, shouldn't make a difference.

7:50pm I turn on water for a pre test. Cracked wash does make a difference. Fortunately the
window by the sink took most of the water and rest on the floor, was going to mop later that
night anyway. Dug around a found a non cracked washer now I am good to go.

7:55pm Gunnar is crying again. Apparently he went into his sister room and from what I can
figure started twirling around as he blew because it is everywhere, beds clothes, carped and toys.

8:05pm He is redressed and is in his crib just incase he has more ideas.

8:10pm Mr. Bissle fires up with that every so familiar roar. Starting with the first area hit with puke, I squeeze the trigger for the blast of hot water. Water starts squirting out from the handle dousing me in a bath of water. I cover the leak the best i can I continue on. Ashley being the observant teenager she is points out that I am getting water spots on the carpet.

8:15pm Too much leakage so I decide that I can simple glue the leak with so often used Super
Glue. Gunner pukes again but I just lift him up and change the towel under neath him. Gunnar
doses back off or in my case recharges the digestive system.

8:20pm I carefully align tip of glue bottle of leak on plastic handle and squeeze. No glue so I
squeeze a little harder and a little harder. Then crack the bottle cracks open and glue goes all
over my hands. I have about these stories but they are usually in dumb movies or Red Neck
jokes. Carefully I wash off hands with soap and water, fortunately no story here.

8:40pm Return from store with new bottle of glue and make the necessary repairs. Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

9:00pm Glue is drive and we are back in business. Fire up Mr Bissle only to realize that by
fixing that pressure release point that another one was formed around a rubber connector. No
fixing this so drenched I work my way from one puke zone to puke zones. Oh, and Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

10:00pm Everything is cleaned, I take a shower, kids in bed, all towels and bed sheets are now in a heap in front of the washing machine, time to relax.

10:01pm Mom comes in after work only to ask what have I been doing the house is a wreck.

November 22

Ashley, Joe, Molly, Mother come down with all flue symptoms. Dad goes to work on
Thanksgiving day only to be inundated with phone calls to come home and take care of them.
Calls are ignored and Dad escapes the flu epidemic. On the up note my 4year old learned to use
the stool during the illness.

November 23 Bought a Hoover Upright Turbo Steamamatic 7000. It sits waiting for the next
episode of Pukaroma Weekend Series.

No SRS Please, Joes Basketball Game

December 9 2001

Not a puke story but another interesting tale from the lives of the Bollmans. Dad is at son's Basketball game.

5:00pm Basketball games was over and it was time to go home.

5:10pm Got home and started getting ready for Church activities that were starting at 6:00pm

5:45pm Ready to go, I got the kids in the car and wife says lets go. I did a quick head count and noticed Joe not here. I asked my wife were Joe was and got a blank stare. Ashley says he is not in the house and from the looks from the outside of the house his room lights are out. We drive and call to all the known places that he might be but no Joe.

6:00pm We are late to church so off we go. I am thinkin Joe is so grounded when we find him. I tell my wife I will drop her off and then come back and look for him. If I don't find him by 7:00pm then we are calling the cops.

6:08pm We are about to the church when my wife looks over to me and asks, "Did you bring Joe home from the basketball game?". Dad is so very grounded.

18yr daughter makes a fool out of dad.

I know it sounds like I think women and cars don’t mix but damn it, sometimes. So my daughter calls me at work and says I need to come down and look at the old 87 Honda cause its smoking. I come down and pop the hood only to find oil had been spilled on the motor at the oil change and some was burning off which you could smell. I told her don’t worry about the “smoke”, the oil will burn off quick enough. Later on that day at 6:00pm we were having softball practice and as usually my daughter was late. At 6:10 I see what I think through the white smoke is my blue Honda heading for the softball field. In horror I realize it is my car. Daughter comes skidding to a halt in the gravel adding dust to the white fog. I ask the stand question “WTF” is going on. She screams loudly that ya people kept telling my car was like on fire but I yelled back at them that my daddy says “ignore the smoke”. I yelled at her saying ya oil burning off not some fog machine of a car. Luck have it was a pin hole in the radiator hose that was spewing on the hot motor vs. the engine overheating dumping out antifreeze. I swear women will ignore all signs of immanent car failure and drive till it drives no more. Sigh

Daddy delivers fast food

Wife just recovered from one of those every 30 year women surgeries. Brought her home and everything would have been great accept my wife and I both got stomach flu and too weak to make it to the bathroom. Once past the projectile vomiting and accusation that I was the one that got her sick and about killed her after her surgery she was ready for some fast food.

6:00pm send me out to Wendys
6:10pm in drive through
6:11pm wife calls to ask where am I and to make sure I have sweet and sour sauce
6:15pm Order food with sweet & sour
6:16pm drive off with food
6:17pm realizes the sweet & sour is not in the bag
6:22pm back at the window and ask for 6 packs, he drops in 1, I say 6 plz, so hedrops 2 more in, I stare at him holding my hand of 6 fingers and he drops 2 more in. Close enough, damn kids cant count anymore
6:23 wife calls to say forget getting her pizza and just bring the food back for the little ones as they are now starving
6:30 Get home and dispense the food.
6:35 Been listening for 5 min from my wife on how I took to long and now she has nothing to eat. Got her sick and now I am trying to starve her to death.
6:45 Stomach flu victim number 4 my 18yr daughter comes in and says she is hungry. I said what is the point if you will spew 5min after you eat. Wife gives me the look so off I am again.
7:00 After talking up the Super Supreme Crunch I get my wife to agree to let me get that for her
7:04 Wife calls and asks if I am getting along with my daughter
7:20 Supremes in hand we head over to Burger King for the 18 year old
7:30 In line
7:31 Wife calls to ask when are we coming home, sigh
7:40 Order Chicken tenders
7:42 Bill is $2.84 so I give them $3.00 + .10 expecting a quarter + penny back. I look up trying to figure out why she isn’t giving my change back and there is 3 of them trying to figure out the math, I heard guesses from .15 to 50 cents. They gave up and gave me a quarter, probably figured they earned the penny. I guess it is a lost art of counting change back and if there is no computer who would be expected to do arithmetic manually.
7:47 Daughter exclaims these aren’t chicken Tenders, sigh
7:48 Wife calls wanting her food
7:52 back at the counter, Sorry our mistake, the tenders are only 2.18. I said make sure you figure in the tax on the refunded amount, got a funny look, like there is no way in hell we are attempting a math problem as complicated as (Total1 - Total2)*Tax
8:00 back on the Road
8:01 wife calls again, where is my damn food.
8:10 get home and dispense the food.
8:11 I spend time getting the 8yr old ready for bed
8:20 Wife comes out and all I see is the look of “I will cut body parts off of you as you sleep”. What I say. She claims I didn’t buy enough food as the kids ate her food too and she gets nothing. About that time I her the all so familiar hurls from the 18yrs daughter who ate my wife’s food just long enough to get to the bathroom. Sure glad she used my wife’s tooth brush over mine. So after about 2.5 hours of trying to get food to please I still have a wife angry enough at me that I don’t feel safe sleeping with. I will have to double dose her with perceset tonight.
Sigh

New towels are no longer

As most of our towels had the appearance like the dog had played with them, some cases that was true, I decided to replace them. Dang never knew that even with 50% off towels were $9.00. Didn't scare my older daughter a bit who has experience in racking up $300 bills with the wife's credit card. She heads off to the counter for a grand total of $167.00 for towels. Some how my daughter who is of college age decides they should be washed on the sanitary cycle which is 2 hrs in 160 degrees water. Setting on the washer might have as well been labeled "Shrinking Guaranteed". Towels at the ends have shrunk along with 4 inches off the length and with my girth I had paid and need that length. Sigh

Little Boy Gets Hurt

So the now 6yr old had started up wrestling, first year. We had been in the program for 2 mos placing 1st and 2nd at his tournaments. At this point the club required you to pay in the $150 for the season. Being a rising star and his love for it I said sure. As I was signing him up I joking said now he better not get hurt after writing this check. Fifteen minutes later they were loading him up in the ambulance for emergency surgery. Broke his arm in 3 growth plates. As they were shooting him up with morphine he had tears coming down as he asked if they could give him more. Surgery went well with 3 pins and 2 weeks later surgeon was pleased with the results. As far as his growth plates, we will have to wait more 3 mos. Can't keep wondering if I had not said that if things would have been different. Sigh

No hitting Please

Being the courteous driver that I am, I like to listen to suggestions on driving from my family passengers but sometime the women in my car can over do it. So I have my whole family, all 5 of them coming back from church in the van. I start to slow down for a turn and all of a sudden its pandemonium in the van. Screaming, and shouts of stop. I am trying to process such helpful suggestions when the beatings start, arms and fists start raining down on me. My mind is racing wildly that I am dragging someone from the car and I need to stop. As I stop in the middle of the road my wife lands a punch on the side of the head at that point I think I hear “fingers caught in the window.” True I had just rolled up the windows up a few minutes earlier. I am now frantically trying to hit all the windows buttons in the down position while fighting off the mob which now the 18 yr old daughter has joined in with. Apparently I had rolled the window up on the 5yrs fingers. Dang a simple, “fingers caught in window” would have sufficed.
Sigh.