Why 10-5 is not a good idea

My new car and Molly is begging to drive it home from the bar, why not? I have a few beers in me to calm me down. After we merged onto the highway, I hear Molly under her breath say, “we are going way fast” I shoot a glance over to her like “explain yourself” “Oh daddy this is the first time I have ever been on a freeway let alone 75mph. I knew I should have had that 3rd beer. Sometime later she was complaining about the 10-2 hand position on the steering wheel. I suggested try the 10-5 position. She moved the right hand to the 5 position but then turned the steering wheel left to recreate the 10-2 position. The car lunged to the left about taking out the car next to us. She quickly responded with “I really don’t know what I’m doing”, sigh.

New Car Negotiations Skills

The time had come in my life where I was buying my first car and yes I had to wait 30years but the day had come. Came down to a red midsize SUV, negations were going well with the salesperson. I was doing the final paperwork with the checkout person and on the last couple questions he asked if I wanted accidental stain coverage on the leather seats, I declined. Then asked for accidental free flat repair, I declined. I was thinking this is a brand new car, who needs these expensive unnecessary fees? Called car insurance agent to tell him I had a new car. He asked if I wanted full replacement on a new car for the first 6 mos. Ha, I don't have accidents, I declined. Signed the final paper and off to the car they escorted me. I was so excited as I slid onto the new leather car seats. Just as my ass hits the seat my wife let out a deafening scream. Too late, my ink stained pants touched the car seat. Apparently I put their pen in my pocket and it had exploded unbeknownst to me, trickery on their part. First think the salesperson said was not that is a shame but “Should have gotten our accidental protection policy.” Next day I was driving down a city street when the low tire pressure light came on, wft???? Pulled over to see how low a tire needs to be to trigger a light. It was rim on pavement low. Called the sales person and the first thing she said was “should have gotten our accidental tire repair warranty” As I was standing in the dark cold raining in my workout garb I was thinking of something else to say to them other than “ya maybe I should have”. Five days later in a snow storm I was rear ended taking out the back of the car. Within a week of my first brand new car, I had stained seats, flat tire and major damage to the car body. Check please, sigh

Hot Day in the Car

So we are on our way to CO for our vacation, escaping the 100 degree heat of Kansas for the cooler days of CO. By 10:00 the van was starting to heat up. Being a van it had a lot of glass where seemingly the heat was emitting from. an hour later the heat is just blasting from the glass. Fearing the AC has gone out I check the vents and yes its somewhat cool but at least not hot. The sun is so bright its generating so much heat I can feel the hot air hitting my neck almost like that of a hair dryer on low. I throw back another 2 bottles of water and sweat on for another 2 hours of whats becoming a vacation in hell. As I am now fading in and out of consciousness I remember earlier in the trip giving AC control to the rear passenger "Gunnar". Surely not, "Gunnar, the controls are on AC right?" Gunnar quickly responds with a "My bad, was on heater". I quickly reverted rear AC controls back to me and coolness was restored though my drenched shirt was offering some coolness, shower please. Sigh

Von Trapp vs the Elderly

Not sure if this one would be classified as elderly abuse or not. So the family, wife, Molly, Gunnar, and I was attending church. We sat in our normal row, row #3, right behind the elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair who has been attending in his spot since 1909. This arrangement is standard for years but not today. The pastor made his usually good mornings and welcome followed by announcing the name of the first hymn. Molly who wanted to make sure our family was ready, made a verbal announcement to our Von Trapp (Sound of Music) singing quality of a family, “Sing it LOUD and PROUD” No sooner had she made that little comment did our elderly friend started making frantic motions. His electric motor started whining up as he swung it into a hard right and gassed it hard as he shot across the aisle to the other side. The wild uncoordinated operation of his scooter was something I would see from a person after hearing, “The lions are coming, hurry and get to the other side.” In a flash, he was gone only leaving behind a trail of his bulletin sheets along his path of escape. Molly just looked at me, I said I hadn’t farted. I know it wasn’t my operatic voice or the singing reputation of our family that scared him away. Still, it is a mystery as of today what happened that early Sunday morning when the Family was about to sing. Update, he has returned but is seen nervously looking over his shoulder before church starts. My family refuses to get near him as they don't want to be responsible for his death. Sigh

Duke the Dog Pisser

Today my lab Duke was getting a bad rap. All day long the wife kept complaining that he was marking his territory and I needed to clean it up. The list was growing by the hour as the number of spots he had marked was approaching 20. By late afternoon the wife who was sitting at the dining table said, “Oh my god he did it the dining room” Exasperated by all the unsubstantiated claims I bent down to sniff, nothing. I remembered the first spot was the end of the bed. I asked the wife did by chance were your slacks at the end of the bed. Why yes they were my wife exclaimed. In the same breath she screamed in realization “Argghhhh I have been wearing dog piss pants all day long.” I almost thought aloud “Get any weird looks at the grocery store today?” But had I, I wouldn’t be here to write this.

How to earn extra cash

As in every night the goal is 7 hrs. of sleep. In bed at 9:52, alarm set for 5:00am equals 7hours of sleep, I was pumped. I had pretty much dozed off when I thought I heard banging around in my room at 10:15pm. Lights a blaring there was Ashley going through our closet. Every few seconds Ashley would stick her head out from the closet to announce all the clothes she was taking were worthless because they are out of date. I asked WTF are doing this late in your parents’ bedroom. She reported that she was low on cash and was collecting clothes to sell to the second hand shop. It’s scary to think while I’m at work what goes on at my house with her unchecked if this is what happens in the middle of the night and I am there. Sigh

Pizza for Dave but not today.

While losing weight, pizza was a rarity and highly treasured. I had just finished a 2hr Friday work out and was resting on the couch thinking about my pizza that was on the counter. It was my favorite Papa Murphy Veggie pizza. I was trying to decide whether to add parm cheese, or garlic, or spicy spice on my cherished pizza. Unbeknownst to me, Ashley had sliced off some of my pizza as I planned how I was going to season my portion. Being the daughter of consideration, Ashley only took half but that was okay as there really was too much for me to eat anyway. About then my relaxation was shattered by a horrible crash in the kitchen. Perplexed I was in my thinking as what could have cause such a commotion. Since nobody was screaming “get the car we’re going to the ER”, I delayed my onsite investigation by a min. As I arrived on the scene I let out a school girl shrill of a scream. Duke, the lab, had just grabbed the topping off my pizza followed by a gulp. Ashley laughed and commented that maybe she should have pushed the pizza back to the middle of the counter vs. leaving it hanging over the edge. Every day its events like this that remind me why we stopped at 4 kids.

Thank Goodness for Manual Transmission

We were traveling to an out of town cross country event for little miss molly. This was being done in our 1993 Honda civic “little Miss Sunshine style”. Apparently it had a dying battery coupled with an electrical issue that drained the battery so heaven forbid if you left the head lights on for 5min. As I predicted I left the lights on the convenience store. The race started in 10min and we were still a good 2mi away. What do you do? We had driven 90miles to the cross country meet for the 14sec glimpse of your runner and I was not giving up. I let the car roll backwards and got it point down the slight slope in the convenience store parking lot. Gunnar, the muscles of this operation, was poised to start pushing. Mom, like a rowing captain, started cheering him on as he pushed the car. We were increasing in speed with every shout from mom. Slowly we were building up our speed as we crawled across the parking lot. Among the crowd that was watching our fate, were 3 high school boys who chose to watch vs help us out. As we approached the street it was due or be stranded. I popped the clutch and with poof of tail pipe smoke the car came roaring to life. With the fear of the car dying we dared not slow down. Mom screamed for Gunnar to jump in. His timing was perfect as he propelled himself into the backseat, slamming the door behind him. With a final backfire we sputtered off, praise the manual transmission.