Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Daugher, vacation = ER

My wife and I went on our vacation that we do every 10 years. Things were going well as I was smoothly talking my way to a night of romance. Romance was in the air and I don't think I was going to need the cold shower that night. Then at 6:07pm the phone rings. "Ya this is Ashley's friend and she drank so much that she is passed out in the ER and we think you should come back to pick her up."

That conversation with my wife resulted in her freaking out over the $500 ER bill and a possible dead daughter. Time to take a cold shower and head back to Kansas.
sigh, kids.

How many abulances does it take??

I was in the middle of a big fund raiser event located on main street. I had 20 customers waiting in line and I was cooking as fast as i could when the phone rang. 21yr old calls and says there has been an accident, there is police and ambulances. I said is this a joke cause I am really busy here. Luck would have it my wife was getting off work and she likes these kinds of projects.
Turns out
1. Daughter's foot slipped off and she bumps van in front.
2. No damage on bumpers but women jumps out and screams that all of her family is injured and needs ambulances.
3. With 3 cop cars and 2 ambulances taking people in for massive neck injuries, police are still trying to figure out if they are at the correct accident scene.
4. 6 mos later the letter from the attorney is warning us that his client is still determining the damages.
5. More to come on this one.

sigh

Son's new car, maybe

Son was getting his first car, a 86 rebuilt Honda civic but it about did survive.
1. On the way home in the badlands of New Mexico it his hit by a coyote that takes out the bumper and cracks the windshield.
2. While its in the body shop it misses out on the 200mph baseball size hail that does 2.8 million damage to town. Hail was so strong it was putting holes through cars and barns.
3. Month later once out of the shop a tornado misses our house by 2 miles.

Car survives and Joe has his new car and dad gets whats left of his old car back.

How to fix water damaged cell phone

21yr daughter comes in announcing that she dropped her cell phone in the snow but don't worry she knows how to dry it off. She reports that her good friend at the customer service says to put the cell phone in the dryer. As I was thinking how you would position the hair dryer to blow on the cell phone, I hear the clothes dryer door slam shut. I screamed "Nooooo" only to hear "don't worry dad, the lady says this works" The single clunking becomes multiple clunking as I screamed "STOP!!" As daughter is assembling the phone back together, I explained if she meant dryer then you need to insert the rack in the dryer and put the phone on the rack so it isn't smashed into oblivion.

Not much of a lesson learned as she got a new phone under a new contract which I found out meant I was paying more. So maybe there was a purpose in smashing the phone after all.
sigh.

New year's romance

Its new year's eve and I am ready to make something of it. Older son is spending the night at a friends, 11yr is at cousins, 21 yr daughter hopefully is not coming home to crash which only leaves the 9yr old home but sick.

Its 11:30pm and I have the basket with special towels, soap and lotions. As I am heading to the jacuzzi, I am hit with the smell of puke when I open our bedroom door. Son has crawled onto my side of the bed and has puked all over himself and my bed. Wife says " romance night is off, go wash the sheets" as she heads to the couch, leaving my standing there with my basket of romance paraphernalia thinking wtf just happened here. 90 min later bed is made, taken cold shower and to go I go bed.

Sigh, kids.

Why dad did not go to the talent show.

Apparently I volunteered to be the first to take in the stomach flu at our house. I started getting chest pains but attributed the pains to the fact I hadn't eaten in 3 days. Later that evening around 7:00pm I was resting comfortable in the recliner up at my sister's party watching the Denver playoffs. Shortly afterward it was announced that my kids and their cousins would be doing a talent show in the basement and thus the migration started to the stairs. At this point I was concentrating on the fact the tightness in my chess was making it hard to breath let alone yell out, "we have a situation here." The room cleared and I was left alone rubbing my chest. Oh well how long can a kids talent show last? ONE hour later my daughter is the first back up and starts in on the tongue lashing on how bad a father I am. Sis, who is in the medical field looks at me and ask if I am okay? No not with a 100 pounds on my chest. So with an aspirin under the tongue I am heading toward the Regional hospital to the heart unit. I still think I was hearing from the 11yr old as I was going out the door, "You are the worst dad for not coming to my show."

Get to the ER and checked in only to hear that the Regional heart unit was closed for the holidays and I would need to be off by ambulance to the next city so please no heart attacks until you are the responsibility of the next hospital. By the time I get checked in its 2:30am, I am told there will be tests will start at 4:30am so rest what you can. 2:31am, call from my concerned 19yr old, concerned that someone needs to come home now because, the 11yr is in my bed puking all over it. Great, that will be nice to come home to, dried puke in the bed.

$20,000 worth of tests later it turns out the ECG abnormality was normal and no heart attack. Since I started the flu bug, I was vote to scrape puke off when we got back.
Gotta love the family.

New way to get ice off the drive way

Typical winter in Kansas, it rained then froze ice all over the road ways. As I am coming into the house, I notice by the door my 10lb sledge hammer. Before I could ask my 18yr son if he knew why it was left out there, he reports "hey dad the sledge hammer works real good on getting the ice off the driveway." So at least I will not be wondering how tf did these chips get into my driveway last winter.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Auto Tech 101

So I come out of the house only to see my son with the hood to my car popped up. I should have treated this situation like that of a suspicious person in a restricted area of an airplane but no. I entertained all his questions of "What’s this" and "What does this do" He became especially interested in the battery and how to clean the terminals. Knowing he was taking Auto Tech 101, I thought this was a legitimate question. He removed the terminal cables and proceeded to clean connectors and terminals. 5 min later he was done and the hood is down. “You are good to go sir.” Great, because I had an errand to run. I was merrily heading to my destination when I reached the main artery where I needed to turn on to. It’s a 4 lane road with high speed traffic. I looked to my left and see only a semi but plenty of time to pull in front of. I do so or at least start/commit to my turn. But then there is literally no power. I pump the accelerator but realize all lights are off. At this point I sense I need to accelerate or be a grill decoration of the semi that is bearing down on me. Luck was with me as I had enough adrenalin to turn a powerless steering wheel to the edge of the road. This was quickly followed by an irritated blast from the Semi's horn as he missed me by inches. As I am standing there under the hood thinking WTF, it dawns on me what had transpired 30min earlier. I checked the cables and sure enough they pull off easily. Apparently next week in Auto Tech 101, they were going to cover tightening bolts that you loosen. Being a mile from home, I call home but no answer, son has now fled the crime scene. A quick walk home and back earns me a socket and wrench that don't fit each other. Socket work good enough to tighten it so I can drive about 200 feet before I have to jiggle the cable, drive 200feet jiggle cable, drive..... When son finally gets home I ask “what about tightening the bolts back.” Response "Oh". Sigh

Monday, April 07, 2008

Dog and New Medication = Project

I will admit that this situation was my fault for not posting a sign. 75# dog was on new arthritis medication and apparently she was not reacting to it well and thus the reason I was keeping her outside for the day as I went to work. Molly calls me at 8:30am at work to say Samantha does not want to go back outside. I said how could she go back outside if she was out to begin with. She reported that she was looking sympathetic and whimpering. I said didn't you read the note, wait thats right I forgot the note. What the hey, Samantha the dog always stays in the kitchen.

Come home and open the door to a wall of stench like that of a pail of fermented diapers. Quick scan shows no mess upstairs I head down stairs to see Joe at the computer who is unaffected by the toxic fumes and says nothing when he sees me so mess must not be down here. But wait he is entrenched with MySpace and oblivious to the shit around him, literally. I scream as I see vomit not less than 8 feet from him. A quick look to my right reveals 8 piles, er pools of diahria on the carpet. I yell at Joe did you not see the mines of fecal as you left your room. Puzzle look from him as looks at me and my pointing finger. His focus pulls away from the MySpace and his smell sensors verify what he was seeing. He screamed and exclaims, "I almost step in that stuff. I wondered what it was." The power of observation of a teenager, simple amazing.

Standard cleanup procedures, alcohol, steam cleaner, Resolve, Frebreeze, and a shower. Sigh

Sunday, March 23, 2008

How to get stuck in ones driveway

Not to pick on women drivers, just the ones in my house. 12:20am just started first stage of sleep when daughter Ashley calls to report she was stuck in her driveway which was located off the back alley. Being the sympathetic father I was I said thanks for letting me know and unplugged the phone. Next day in Sundays best, we headed over to her place after church to see how one could actually get stuck. Turns out the drive way sloped up off the alley. Apparently she spun the wheel until it dug out the dirt until the front part of the car was beached but the good news was the tire on the left was still in the alley and had some traction. Piece of cake to push out so I thought of course I was assuming she was in reverse and not in drive. I stood by the front side of the car to see how stuck she was during her attempt to get out. Ashley without warning cranks the wheel from straight to hard right for maximum mud fleeing and guns it forward. With mud flying the car lurches forward digging in the front bumper into the driveway. I admit it was my fault for not explaining to get unstuck we need to reverse direction. Second attempt with straighten wheels in reverse she eases out. Car came out nicely except for pulling half the bumper off as the car was backing out. I was then thinking didn't we just spend $2,300 getting the front fixed from the last accident. Sigh

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Putting into Park.

I get this story from Molly who recants the story with vivid detail. Mother, Molly and Gunnar were going into Dara's Fast Lane for Beverages. Mom was getting her diet coke mix, Molly was getting her slushy mix and Gunnar his favorite gum. As the family was waiting in line with their beverages, a man came rushing in yelling to the tranquil crowd, "Who is the owner of the Mini Van?" Mom said, "I am." Man reports that the van is rolling away. Wife has vivid images from the recently watched movie "RV" and goes running outside only to see a crowd bracing themselves against the car preventing impact with the gas pumps. Mom jumps in Van, puts into park and like its no big deal goes back in to pay. Parking properly has never been her strong suite. Sigh

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Birth Control via Castration

Side note on how lucky Gunnar made it in to the family. Snip and clip operation was schedule but Doc. broke his ankle 2 days before surgery, rescheduled. We had been trying for 9 years and only had Molly, hot jacuzzi bath with lots of alcohol, wife nursing and wrong time of the month and surgery was the next day. So what the hell, what are the chances? Lucky boy he was to get by all that.

First I would say don't take anyone with you that is going to watch and give a commentary on the procedure as it happens I don't need to hear things like it looks like a little meat ball or its just like cutting spaghetti. I thought the local shot was going to be the worst of it, wrong. After he start cutting, the 2 boys quickly retreated back into my body. Not to worry, the Doc. braced one arm on my leg when he said "This might hurt a bit" Then the tug-a-war began, my testicles straining to get away while the Doc was pulling with all his might to get then down for the severing. Might as well have been smacking them between ping pong paddles to his pulling. They say icepack for a couple of days and your good to go, that and 3 years of feeling like you are constantly being racked.

Bottom Line: Never say what are the chances and if you can talk her into getting them tied, go that route.

Daddy has a new girfriend

My investigatory daughter decided to see if I had a girlfriend, like I could afford one of those. She started off going through a couple of my voice mail messages on my cell phone. She hit pay dirt so she thought. She hurries off to my sister's house where she is in a state of tears. For further evidence she calls my girlfriend who is barraged with who is this and why is she with her dad. He responds with no I am not his girlfriend but his boss. All of this made for a nice annual evaluation and conversation with my wife who now wants to know who I am messing around with. Sigh, women.
 

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