X-mas lights would have been nice

So it is that time of the year to put up the Christmas tree. My wife goes out and brings home a tree that has a fat 9" truck with knots but hey 45 min of sawing and I get the tree up and ready for decorating. The wife pulls out the 7 strands of knotted lights. It is tradition for wife and husband to spend the next hour untangling lights. This year luck was with us as all 6 strands worked. The wife spent the next 1-hour layering on the lights followed by a layer of decorations. Done the wife calls in all 4 kids for the viewing of the lights. With everyone gathered around the tree such as in Clark Griswald Christmas Vacation we were gitty with anticipation for the flipping on the switch to the X-mas lights. Viola the lights came on, all 7 strands. We broke into song as we held hands together. My children became so involved that they jumped high in the air but when they landed with a thud all the lights went out. Sadness fell on the kids' faces and furry filled my wife's face. My wife went nuts on the tree and ripped the lights off saying screw this. I worked 2 fuckin hours on this for this. Another hour later I noticed the fuse was blown on the first strand of the lights plus the fact all 6 lights were on one outlet. So we redid the tree going from one 6 strands to 2 strands of 3 lights then plugging them into their own outlet, now everything was working, finally. The next morning I notice instead of 2 strands plugged into an outlet of their own they were plugged into each other into one outlet like the night the fuse blew. Son’s response I thought you were wasting an outlet plug so I plugged them all together. Sigh.

5yr old gets his first Motorcycle

Well I was running out of material for the blog so the Uncle obligated and bought my 5yr old a 50cc motorcycle. I wasn't there but the incident was reported as follows. The boy was out in the Uncle's backyard riding around getting the hang of things for the past hour. Uncle looked away for 5 sec giving my boy the chance he was looking for, the jump. Adjoining the yards there is a 5 foot rock wall cliff. With throttle wide open and a determined look on his face he raced toward the jump. All the Aunt saw from the window was her husband streaking across the backyard with my 8yr daughter screaming the boys name. Being a doctor and all she felt compelled to go assess the situation. It was like an Evil Knievel stunt gone bad. Apparently he got sideways on the approach and slid down the rock face gouging the helmet on the way down but luckily his head stopped his fall. Once again he cheats the ER and avoids a visit. A little shaken but he was ready again. Uncle voted next time it was going to be in a big pasture with no cliffs. All I can say to my sister now if I am ever criticized on my child care is “well at least I didn’t let them drive off a cliff.”

Do it yourself home kit

Warning, this post is a graphical and is not for faint of heart but the story must be told to warn others.

So there I was sitting down on the throne and enjoying 5min of rare peace while I read the paper. After about 30 sec. of enjoyment I started to notice a tinkling sensation from the boys down below. Another 30 sec went by and it became more of a burning sensation, like 5 hundred fire ants biting. This quickly went from ants to "I am on fire". As I rocketed off the seat I noticed the boys were covered in a blue foam, like the stuff you use to clean the toilet. I raced to the sink and hoisted them in and frantically try spraying them off. It took 10 min of continuous running water to finally kill off the pain. Somewhere during the screams and the spraying my wife yells through the door "Don't use the toilet, I am cleaning it" And here I spent all that money on my procedure at the doctors office a couple of years ago when I could have so easily used the home kit method for chemical castration.
Sigh

Hey Dad, Something's wrong with my bathroom

I had finished off the brand new bathroom early that year for my high maintenance 17yr old daughter. Tonight as I started to think about starting to relax she says, "hey dad, I think there is something wrong with my bathroom, you need to come look at it." Sigh alright, as I walk in to my master piece of carpentry work I gazed upon a scene of carnage. It looks like a violent murder took place minus the blood. Most light bulbs were burnt out, brand new wall heater burnt up, towel racks ripped from the wall with the pieces strewn over bathroom floor, shower hand snapped off, holes and gouges decorated the walls. Good thing I spent so much time on mudding and painting them too. I asked her WTF happened here. Got the typical response of "I don't know Dad, it just broke"
Sigh

Oh by the way .....

We were on a car trip to KC to meet up with some relatives for dinner and we were running behind so every minute counted. Without the DVD system hooked up in the car the kids were behaving as expected, hitting, throwing objects and just plain old high pitched screams. But I was not down because I had a nice restaurant waiting for me with my name on it. Just me and the gourmet buffet in a relaxing environment. We hit Lawrence planning on cutting over to highway 10. As I was heading down the main drag I was required to make a few aggressive lane changes to make the lights. About halfway through the precision driving moves, lights start flashing behind me. Surely they are for someone else, no, they are following me. Wife starts pounding my shoulder screaming its my fault for my aggressive male driving. After I pull over, sitting there my wife stops the beating and calmly says, "oh by the way, one of the headlights are out." Sigh, sure enough the officer walks up and informs me I have a headlight out and he will need license, registration, & proof of insurance and walks back to his car. As I start looking in our pouch that so anally keep all our insurance and registration info I start to panic since all I see is 2004 and some 2005 information. My wife informs me that our 17yr old daughter a month earlier was looking for her car registration and most likely she had pulled all that information out of my car. Cop came back asked for the information only to hear me say , "I think my daughter pulled it out of my car" Hoping to hear a that’s okay I get a "that is not good, please wait here" Kids upon hearing that cheerful news start asking in excited voices, "is daddy going to jail?, is daddy going to jail?" After another 28 min he comes back and gives me a fix it on the light and lets me off with a warning on the lack of insurance and registration. Personally I think he had pitty on me.

We amazingly get to the restaurant before the rest of my family gets there and I decide this would be a good time to go fix the headlight and get the cops to sign off on it on our way back to Mahattan. I ask the receptionist at the restaurant where a Walmart was. She said just go down Metcalf and hang a right on Shawnee Mission and there it will be on your right. Sweet and off I go. Little did I know, women have no time conception when it comes to driving to their shopping destinations. Going down Metcalf meant drive 12 miles for 20 minutes and the left on mission meant drive another 13 miles for 22 minutes. I make it to the automotive counter just as they officially closed 2 minutes earlier. I pleaded my whole story to the cashier and I don't know if it was pitty on me or she was afraid I was going to repeat my whole sad story again starting with the first punch that was thrown back on our driveway. Headlight fixed I rush back to the restaurant and hour and 20min later only to find the family finishing up on dessert and the restaurant closes in 10 min so I was informed I would need to eat fast.
Sigh

Kids and Their Timing

So I had done all the rights things for the little lady on my Sunday honey do list since I was promised to be rewarded that night. Time came, it was about 11:45pm when we started getting funky when bam, our door is flunk open and in marches my 17 yr daughter who proceeds to march around the bed to my wife’s side and jump in. She quickly pulled the covers up over head oblivious to me scrambling to put clothes on. Wife starts hit me saying why didn't you lock the door and I am saying why do we have a 17yr daughter in our bed. Once I get enough clothes on I go around to were my daughter is to ask "WTF are you doing here?" She mumbles something about throwing up and this is the only place she can sleep. That pretty much capped the evening with a daughter in your bed that could throw up.
Sigh

Hey Dad look at my Killings

My 15yr old who is a wanta be hunter was so proud when he called me upstairs to show me his killing collection. Look dad he exclaims I killed them all. Yep you sure did. All 59 moths dotted along a section of wall that I had recently repainted. Kids are job security, job security.Sigh

Women and Cars

Wife came home from a hard days work and as I greeted her on the drive way I noticed a wisp of smoke coming from the car hood. I asked her if the car was okay and she responded seems to run. As I got closer I could see green fluid running from out from underneath the car. When I started it up it made a horrible grinding noise presumably its going to be the water pump. What is it with women and cars? If it runs then there is no problem to report. 1. Sign

Why Bother?

So I am feverishly trying to get my new yard in the front of the house done as I am days away from it being too late in the season to plant. It had to be done today before it rains. I probably spent 3 hours hauling in the dirt and meticulous smoothing and leveling it out the evening before. I had to use a long 2x4 and level but I finally got the slope I needed. I did tell my wife that the dogs could not be let out in front. Translation for my wife must have been, let the dogs out front to dig around in the dirt. When I was leaving for work the next morning my yard looked liked the landscape of WWII shelling with bomb craters everywhere. Too late to fix as it is starting to rain now, maybe next year. Sigh

Lets have a Family meal.

Alright so my wife wants to have a family meal like the Waltons with all six of us at the same time in close proximity of each other eating. Sounds good on paper so I set it up for Sunday night. Were having pot roast, potatoes, carrots, gravy. Other than the occasional flinging of bread at each other things were going pretty well until. My daughter mouths off about my wife sneaking out on the deck. We all know what that meant, wife was sneaking a cig. and nobody is suppose to know about it. Wife retorts back with a quick "shut up" with a response from my 7yr old daughter, mom you smoke. Little 5 year old boy asks if mommy is now going to die? Mom's blood pressure is starting to raise as she quickly denies she smokes. Dad, that's me, then asks, "is mommy a smoker?" Kids all respond with "oooouuu, mommy's a smoker" At this point mommy was frantically screaming shut up, shut up with the 17yr daughter laughing harder and harder on every shut up. Then I screwed up, I laughed also at the mommy show. Mom starting heading for what I guessed as a water glass so I started chanting we love mommy, we love mommy but too late. Water was destined to be showered on me. Unfortunately it also landed on my 5yr old son next to me who got upset. Mom went over to comfort him as he started turning on me since I think he thought I did the water show. I quickly told him mom threw the water. Fire entered his eyes as he quickly filled both of his hands with mommy's breasts and squeezed as hard as he could. Did I mention she had a biopts on one and they were still black and bruised? Anyway mom howls in pain, screaming her nipples are bleeding and is racing around the table holding her injured mammories. Since I knew there was no chance in hell that I was getting any tonight, I closed the meal with "Yes we need more togetherness with family meals."
Sigh

There is Dad's way then there is my 15yr old's way

So we got us a lab puppy and I was in the process of house training it. Procedure was to keep it in his carry and first thing in the morning I would quickly throw him out the door so he could do his # 1's and 2's. Well my son decided his strategy would be to just let the puppy out and head off to school. When I came out of the shower I was already running 10 min behind schedule only find the dog has now pissed all over the carpet and sofa, found 7 pairs of shoes, 5 socks, 4 dolls, 3 hats, 2 jackets and 1 purse to chew on and was working on pushing out a #2. Took me 30 min to get the steam vac out and cleanup the train of piss. I asked my son when he got home WTF was he thinking. His response, "puppy looked like he wanted out." Ya, to piss on my carpet.
Sigh

Dad lets switch cars

We were at church and my daughter claimed there was something wrong with her car, clutch was floppy. I told her that I would drive it home and she could take the van. I got in her car and sure enough the clutch had no catch to it. I jumped out of the car to get my van back but too late. Daughter had already started the van. I dashed across the parking lot in sprint which probably wasn't that fast for a fat man but all I got was tail lights as my daughter squelled out of the parking lot. I could have caught her at the stop sign but what young females have time to stop for stop signs. I was forced back to the red car to see if I could get it to the shop. I was in the luck, I found about a quarter of an inch of clutch left to do all my shifting in. Had quite the gathering for an audience as I chirped and stalled the car trying to get it in 1st. Aftering waiting an hour and the repair shop because my daughter turned off the cell phone I gave her I asked, "why in the hell would you drive off if you knew the car might be undrivable?" Something about we were all hungry. I also asked when did this master clutch cylinder problem start. She said it had started about 2 weeks ago but it still was sort of working so she didn't tell me then. I tell ya women will drive a car until it physically won't move anymore.
Sigh

Thanks for cleaning the carpet

I am not sure why I bother but every once in a while I can't stand filth and I clean the carpets. Spent 4 hours cleaning the upstair carpets but it was worth it. Carpets went from dark grey to a newer looking gray color. I left the carpets unguarded for I don't know 4 min as I was out on the deck feeding the dogs. Wife comes home with the kids annoucing they are hungry and need to be fed. As I walk back in a see carpets are cover in mud from their returned outing. Wife said ya their shoes got a little dirty while they were playing at the park. Never mind why we wouldn't take our shoes off at the door when we have Dad who cleans our messes up. Next day son lets pup out of cage and insteading carrying him outside he lets the dog run onto the carpet so that added more mess/smell to the carpet. When I complain I get from wife just clean the carpets this weekend, that is part of having kids.
Sigh

Where is the common sense?

Seems like I have a lot of toilet issues but my family thrives on them. I have just settled down on the coach at 10:00pm to enjoy a little SciFi TV after a long day of yard work when I hear my wife scream out there is water covering the bathroom floor. She thinks it came from the toilet. I said can't be because the hose is broken and I had turned off the water to the toilet and had pulled the heavy tank lid off. Apparently my daughter is smart enough to come back in after me and turn on the water and watch the cool water fountain as it fills the bathroom floor up. So not only do have the hose to repair but it ruined the baseboards on the floor, another weekend project.
Sigh

Son as a mechanic

Somewhere down the road my oil cap had come off the van. I used a rag to stuff down in there while I waited for the cap I ordered to come in. As I walk out of the house instead of my 15 yr old watering the plants he had popped the hood and was cleaning off the engine. I can only hope not too much water soaked through the rag.
Sigh

Sorry Daddy

Its not often that I get a Father days gift but this year they bought me a traveling sports fold out chair for their beloved dad. Instead of standing at all the games and practices I could actually sit down, rest and enjoy. I had unwisely left it unguarded in the yard so when my son was mowing he just threw it aside, aside meaning behind his sister's car. In horror I watched as my daughter in typical female fashion gunned it and started down the driveway. She look at me oblivious as I was screaming like a mad man to stop. Bamm crunch, rear tires rolled over it. I started repeatedly slamming my hands on the car to get her to stop, well at least slow down, crunch as front tires roll over it. I screamed "why in the hell didn't you stop?" Response was something about she was in a hurry and couldn't see any reason why she should stop like I was asking her to.
Sigh

Hey is that Daddy's new knife set?

Hey leave it to boys to figure out the real purpose of knives. So I got back from the trade show and of course was conned into buying the complete set of Miracle knives, all 12. As I was putting up the groceries so I could examine my new “Miracle” blade of sharpness, I hear yelling and clashing of metal. In horror I see my complete set of knives strewn across the couch. The boys are playing I don’t know what, swords or kill me if you can cause there are a lot of damn sharp knives here to choose from. Never mind the fact they will slice through tough shoe leather. Damn kids, well any knife fight that doesn’t end up in the ER is a good day.
Sigh

Someone Hates Dave

When I loaded up my first freezer with a couple hundred dollars of meat, it failed with a total lost. Then I get me a nice Kenmore and load it up with $200 worth of pork. It got confused and thawed all my meat out while on vacation. I had it checked out and the guy says it is in perfect order, ya right. So now I loaded it up with $800 of beef and when I get back from vacation there is a pool of blood on my garage floor. Did its thaw thing again, man someone hates me.
Sigh
PS Insurance pays the first $250 in losses

Faster than screamin "SHARK"

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and the kids have joined the masses swimming in the indoor pool. I am sitting along the side reading the paper, relaxing and eating my doughnut. Kids are having a blast in the pool and all is well. As I was reading the sports section I start hearing a strange water noise, sort of like dripping water. I start looking a round and I see from the ceiling a trail of water running off the ceiling. By now everyone in the pool is looking up at the ceiling trying to figure out if that was from a cannonball splash from the fat kid or what.. Just then the 5yr old comes bursting into the pool area, “Daddy, the stool is overflowing and wont stop.” It was like screaming shark at the beach. There was screaming and pandemonium as people where scurrying to get out of the pool.
Sigh

If it looks like fecal it probably is

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and of course the kids have used all the towels except for one. My lovely wife takes her shower and uses the last one. I ask her where her towel is. I am thinking how dirty could a towel be if used to dry off a clean person? She tells me its dirty, whatever. Women can be so modest. I find the towel and again I might have heard, “its dirty” but with a quick shake I hang it up to dry as I climb in for my shower. I did notice a couple of brown stains but being in a hotel who knows what stains become permanent. Sometime later in the day the stain observation comes out and she confuses that she put the poop stains on the towel. In horror I ask why didn’t you tell me. Her response was she did by saying they were dirty. It would have been too crass for a women to say she had “shitted” on the towel.
Sigh

The real story of dropping the baby

So it was requested what the story was with dropping my now 15yr son on his head as a baby. Not sure if the wife knows about the “real” version. My son was about 5mos and cute as a button. We were getting ready to leave and I had gotten him all dressed up and in his carrier. Wife not being ready which is expected, I sat the carrier on the counter. Being the cautious dad I was, I placed him in the middle and at the far end on the counter. In my defense this was a slick ceramic tile. So as he was sucking on his thumb I noticed a fly buzzing around. Being a typical male needing something to kill I went after it with a relentless effort with my towel. There he was on the cabinet right above my son just sitting there, waiting to be taken out with my mighty towel. I gathered all my strength and delivered a all out swing of a blow. Blamm, took the fly out but my follow through sort of caught the top part of the carrier handle. Did I mention the counter top was slick, anyway the boy and his carrier took of like one of those test rocket sleds down the track. In horror I watched as he quickly cover the 4' of counter space to the 3.5' drop off. I know he might have only been 6mos old but I swore I heard his first word as he went over the edge “dad?” The next thing I heard was a horrible splat. I raced over and all I could see was the bottom of his carrier. Amazing no blood, or real incriminating bruises. Wife yelled out of the bathroom is everything alright, sure I yelled just killing flies. Years later my wife wondered why one of his front teeth seemed sort of dead. Dentist told her he must have had a fall, if only she knew but she doesn’t.

MTV can be bad for a 5yr old

My 5yr old was playing with his 5yr old cousin one day when we noticed that it was awfully quite in the other room. Upon inspection they were naked in the sleeping bag. When questioned WTF was going on. The response was "we're just playing Jessica and Nick Simpson."
Sigh
PS I thought boys waited until 13 for this kind of headaches.

I am stuck DAD

Must have been the first time my boy was around a barbwire fence or he lost too many brain cells when I dropped him as a baby, another story. I was in the farm house enjoying a quite meal when I heard yells of panicked helped. I raced outside to see my 15yr old boy stuck in the fence like peter rabbit in thy bry bush. Of course he was wearing his new $20.00 school team shirt that we just bought. I asked him why he didnt crawl over the sturdy wooden fence section. He said too much effort to walk over there and besides who knew there was a difference between a 5 strand wire and a 3 strand wire when trying to crawl through. Guess the shirt can be used as a cleaning rag now.
Sigh

Dad can't have good tools

Over the course of time most my tools had disappeared with my kids projects. Like who ever has time to return a tool back to Dad’s tool box? So I finally went out and got me a new socket set, wrench combo set that was all organized neatly in its own case. I was so excited that I had a collection of tools that I had access to that I accedently left it on the table before work. When I got home the 5 year old had open it up upside down, emptying the contents all over the floor, putting me back to square one with missing sockets. But hey at least the ones I could find are new.
Sigh

Who’s got time to flush?

I was sitting down working on the computer when I could get passed a strange rank order in the basement. When I asked my daughter if she smelled it she said, “sure its from my toilet.” I asked Why? She apparently left a load of diarrhea in it but forgot to flush. Then the toilet hose fell off and just needed to be reattached. I never knew rotting diarrhea could invoke such involuntary dry heaves but it will.
Sigh

I am not drunk!

Daughter comes home late pass the curfew. During the interview session on how she is not "drunk" she falls, slides down the stairs leaving a trail of mud behind. Punishment was losing her car for a couple of weeks but with all the things she was in guess who had to drive her around to them. Guess she learned her lesson now.
Sigh

I thought I could clear it

Boys seem to have the mentality of “Go for it.” While my son was mowing he came across the metal sprayer attachment that goes on the end of the hose. With the lawnmower cutting height set to high he figured, “surely I can clear it.” Hey at least it made a cool noise as the mower tried to mulch it. I am took it in hoping for a quick fix from the shop but I get instead the question if I wanted to be contacted if the repair was going to be high?
Sigh

When are they old enough

After a hard day of work and going to bed at 2:00am I was needing a good nights sleep. Somewhere between 3:00am and 4:00am my wife grabbed my sleeping pillow mumbling something about your daughter needs it. I asked WTF and she said the daughter is not feeling well. Thinking it was my 8yr old in bed I didn't protest too much with the fact I had to give up my special sleeping pillow. After a restless, tossing and turning night I wake up not to see my 8yr old but my 17yr old in bed with me. Ya hear people say kids grow up so fast and the next thing you know they are grown up and have left home. I am just waiting for the time they are grown up and out of my damn bed.
Sigh

5yr old dodges death

The 5yr old is a kid that does not shy away from death or a competitive race. During a casual ride on his bike with his Aunt's family, he challenges her to a race. With her being 8mos pregnant he was figuring that he was going to clean up even though he was only 5. On your mark, get set, go, off they went down the sidewalk that heads downhill toward the creek. He is a manic slamming through his 5-speed gears, hunched over the handlebars giving it his all. After realizing the Aunt was left behind did he decide he should evaluate the high rate of speed he had just obtained. After a quick backpedal spin like on his old bike did he realize he had no foot brakes, these were hand brakes. Aunt and Uncle were too struck with fear to yell out hand brake, hand brakes. By now his speed had passed 20mph and climbing. He hung on but veered off the sidewalk. The first gully washer he hit bounced him off his seat landing him straddling the bar. The last thing the Uncle reported seeing was his legs outspread and his head bobbing up and down as he disappeared into the creek ravine full of old cedar trees with small lower dead broken off limbs that looked like spikes. When they caught up to him he was coming out holding the family jewels. The side of his face was scratched where the spiky limbs grazed the side of his neck and his shoulder is now black and bruised. He said he didn't want to race any more that night. Hey, any bike ride race that doesn't end up in the ER is a good bike ride. Two weeks later my sister said the gouges along his neck were from branches that were dried out sticks of death but if they would have been over another .5-1.0 inch, they would have impaled his neck which would have meant a lot of blood loss resulting in Death.

Women in my family and plumbing don't mix

I head toward the bathroom for some much deserved rest on the throne but as I get nearer I hear a water running noise coming out of the bathroom. Expecting it to be the facet, I wasn't much concerned but when I walk in I don't see water coming out of the facet. Panicked I see the toilet with water shooting out of the top along the wall. I turn off the water and reattach the tiny hose back on which located inside the tank. When I asked my daughter what happened I get a, "ya water started squirting everywhere." The thought of a women to know when to turn off the water is beyond their grasp.
Sigh

Keep the Projects coming

As usual the garbage disposal was stuck, jammed with something. Checked for the usual stuff, socks, wash clothes but nothing could I feel. I got out the old allen wrench to try and turn it manually, no good. Got the 5lb hammer and started whacking. It was then I could hear grinding glass, great. Twenty minutes later I finally got it to budge 1/8 turn which was enough when I turned it on to finishing grinding the glass. I asked the wife about why there was glass down in the disposal. She reported a glass had fallen inside and continued on. Never occurred to her to remove the broken glass pieces out before the disposal was turned on.
Sigh

Sad Day, Jack the Dog Dies

Our family is greatly sadden by the sudden death of 6 year old lab Jack the family hunting dog. He was a gently dog that would sit during show and tell in school while kids would pat him on the back saying, "Good boy Jack." When the Vet said his body was shutting down from the cancer we knew it was time. The family was at his side comforting him as he was put to sleep. The 5 year old asked mom where was jack going? Mom told him he was going to the big pond up in heaven where he could swim all he wanted. He will be greatly missed by the family.

Wife and Details Don't Mix

So when I get home and getting out of my car I hear a rushing roaring sound. Sort of like a waterfall sound. As I get closer to my house I know I am hearing water. I look over to my faucet and see the hose has blown off leaving a flow rate of 6gal/min. The water around my foundation wall was about 5" deep. Figured at about 400 gal/hr times 6 hours that was a lot of water. Fortunately basement didn't leak. Asked wife didn't you hear the roaring water as you were coming and going? Her response, "Not really, what was that noise?"
Sigh

The Popular Daughter

Apparently my 17yr old daughter did something to make herself popular yesterday. I come out from my house this morning to see the front yard teepeed and my car smeared with trash and food. Hopefully she will explain to them in the future which car is hers and which is mine as they only seemed to target my car and not hers.
Sigh

The Added Touch

Wife had a hard shift at the hospital and I wanted to do something special for her. I decided to make her dinner with all the fixings, just the 2 of us as the kids were out of town for a while. When my wife came home I had the table set with the slow cooked rump roast, squash, salad, red wine gravy and drinks. The aroma was filled with cooked food. She was so excited in anticipation and raced into the bathroom to washup. I left to kennel up the dogs so it would be nice and quite. When I got back to my horror was my 5yr old emptying out a can of Oust air freshener all over the dining room and table saying, "Dad I get rid of the bad smell." My wife and I sat down to an Oust smelling meal.
Sigh.

Don't Bet With A 5yr Old

My 5yr old says, "Dad I bet I can push your car." I mumble something and proceeded into the house. Next thing I knew my wife is screaming hysterically about the car. I turn to see that I must have left it out of gear as he is pushing the car with gaining speed down the driveway gleeful exclaiming, "see dad." Even though the car was only going 3 mph I realized as I was trying to stop it that it had too much momentum. Fortunately for me the street had a up hill and the car eventually roll back down to the drive way.
Sigh.

Women and Cars

Wife decided to take my car and leave hers for me to pick up the kids from the pool. When went to start the car, it started with no kick from the battery so much so that I didn't think it could start again. The other great feature of the car with the dirty carburetor is it stalls when you let off the accelerator. This all becomes tricky in a stick car when braking, one foot on brake, one foot on clutch, one foot on accelerator. Quite the pressure driving to the repair shop knowing if it dies there is no battery left in the car which strands me in an intersection. When I asked her about the car getting harder and harder to start plus a red warning battery light I get the comment, "I thought those warning lights didn't really mean anything."
Sigh

Flaw in our financial strategy

Wife is always saying, "How can we be over drawn? I put a paycheck in yesterday"
Sigh

Nice Try

I had been saving my $5.00/week I get for allowance to get my Poker chip set at Wal-Mart. It was Friday and I had finially saved up my $40, 2 twenties neatly hidden in my wallet. Tomorrow was the big day. Wife just called to say "nice try but your 17old daughter needs shopping money at the mall for back to school"
Sigh

Stress Dad Out

My mission was to water my parent's 20 outdoor potted plants. I arrived at the house with my 5yr boy and 8 year girl who were already fighting over who got to water. Got my daughter setup watering the plants with the open ended hose that a had a slow water flow. Apparently while my boy was waiting his turn he got bored so he went over to man the facet handle. Next thing I knew my girl was screaming and all I could see was mud showering out of the pot on to the driveway as the flow rate was a good 15 gal/minute now. Got her cleaned up gave the hose to my boy and proceeded to take in the mail. As I came back out of the house there was my boy hosing down the minivan car mats just like dad does, except the mats were still in the car. By the time I got that resolved my daughter came out of the house locking the door not realizing the keys were still in the house. As I was fumbling with a credit card to break into the house to get my keys, the evening showers started with all my windows down. So what wasn't wet from the hose was finished off by the rain. Hey I always say any trip with my family that doesn't end at the hospital is a good trip. Sigh

Christmas 2001

The highlight of our year was a van trip to California to see Wife’s sister & family. We packed a lot of fun in 8 days - going to the beach, Disneyland, Universal Studios & Sea World. But what we enjoyed the most was hangin’ out and watching the kids play.

Ashley just turned 14 and wants to learn to drive. I am trying to convince her that the legal age for driving and dating is 19 in Kansas. She also went to her first dance for all the 8th graders. Next year they will all be together so it was a way to get acquainted.

Joe still keeps us busy with his activities. This year he added saxophone (his dad’s instrument of choice). He enjoys playing and seems to have Dad’s musical abilities. Well it finally happened with so many kids. About an hour after returning home from my son’s basketball game the family needed to leave for a church but we couldn’t find Joe at home even after driving around checking all known locations. I commented as we drove off to church that when we found him that, “boy was he grounded”. A few minutes later my wife looked over at me and asked, “Did you bring Joe home from the game?” Boy was dad grounded.

Molly is in preschool and taking violin lessons. She has acquired quite the vocabulary and is using it to her advantage with mom. Currently she can talk her way from a 8:30pm bedtime to about 10:30pm time. Her big day of the week is a quick violin lesson, swimming with Grandma followed by a dinner at Coco Bolo’s and finishing the evening with dipping chocolate cookies. Grandma has decided to retire in order to keep up with the high grandchildren demands being placed on her.

Matthew turned two and is big, strong and sweet. In the grocery store an elderly gentleman was bending down admiring Matthew in the grocery cart seat saying what a cute boy he was. Matthew interpreted this attention from the man as wanting to play. Before I new it, Matthew grabbed a can of chunky stew in his right hand and cocked it behind his head, wanted to play catch with the nice gentleman, with a rush of adrenalin I dove back and grabbed the can. The man never new he was .04 sec from going to the emergency room.

The dogs continue to guard us and entertain us.

My sister and her husband moved back to town 4 house up from us. In all their excitement of picking out their new appliances for their new home, I talked him into a must buy commercial grade Lincoln Impinger II PIZZA oven. Thing weighs 600lbs but makes darn good pizzas. I think my pay off is providing free sauce for the rest of my life.

Husband had discovered he can sing opera in the shower. Wife makes sure everyone is fed and watered. We recently upgraded from a queen to a king size bed. Found out if we sleep width way we can fit the whole family in bed. I still think the key to having enough room in bed is a lock on the door. We continue in our same jobs. We wish you much joy and happiness in the new year.

Christmas 2000

This past year we has been busy trying to meet the needs and demands of 4 children.

Ashley is 13 and has adjusted well to the rigors of 7th grade. She made the honor roll and we are quite proud. One would think that after getting out of college that would the end of homework. Reality is that college is to prepare you so you can help your kids with their homework. To determine If I had become soft in my skills I took several of these math problems to college students which they all have failed. Must be this new math.

Joe is in the 4th grade and enjoys sports and school most of the time. In the fall he played tackle football among concerns of injuries. In the Winter those same boys played basketball which was really like playing football but with no pads. In the first basketball game in the first 15 minutes I think there was 4 tackles for losses and 2 sacs plus a safety.

Molly is 3.5 and is going to pre-school in two mornings a week and is learning violin, Spanish & dance. Her Uncle and we won’t mention his name, Rico, gave her a makeup and jewelry box, and a princess outfit that comes with clacky high heal shoes. Doesn’t matter if its 2 outside she wants to be “Beautiful” and put on her makeup, jewelry, wear her dress and of course not to forget those plastic high heel slippers and she is ready. Used to take 3 min to dress her now I have to get up an extra 30 minutes to accommodate the new dressing attire.

Matthew Gunnar is a precious baby, very sweet and just turned one.

Dogs Jack and Samantha did their yearly pruning on the young trees in the yard. Their standards are no branch lower than 4 feet please. Our thoughts on getting the second dog was to entertain the first dog. Now we have WWF 8 hours a day on the grass and 50% more dog food to keep up their strength. They are eager hunting dogs so if anyone needs 1 or 2 hunting dogs, these are your dogs. Dog food will be included.

Wife works still in the nursery and teaches three different classes at the hospital. She and I feel like we are in school again with as much homework we, I mean the kids have each night. We have already told Molly that not only is she on her own but will be tutoring Gunnar in his schooling.

Husband continues to work at the University, sings in the choir and plays handbells. Still involved with coaching Ashley’s softball team but they don’t need much coaching at this point in their lives. You know being 13 and all they are all accomplished athletes at least that is the attitude the girls give him.

Other than husband getting the flu 2 days after the flu shot everyone’s health is up and we are a happy but a busy family. Hope everyone has a happy holidays this season and for us it will be a white one.

Since nobody took up our invitation to spend time with our family last year we decided this year for the holidays we would travel in our new van and surprise one of you lucky folks. Don’t worry the dogs are house trained.