Someone Hates Dave

When I loaded up my first freezer with a couple hundred dollars of meat, it failed with a total lost. Then I get me a nice Kenmore and load it up with $200 worth of pork. It got confused and thawed all my meat out while on vacation. I had it checked out and the guy says it is in perfect order, ya right. So now I loaded it up with $800 of beef and when I get back from vacation there is a pool of blood on my garage floor. Did its thaw thing again, man someone hates me.
Sigh
PS Insurance pays the first $250 in losses

Faster than screamin "SHARK"

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and the kids have joined the masses swimming in the indoor pool. I am sitting along the side reading the paper, relaxing and eating my doughnut. Kids are having a blast in the pool and all is well. As I was reading the sports section I start hearing a strange water noise, sort of like dripping water. I start looking a round and I see from the ceiling a trail of water running off the ceiling. By now everyone in the pool is looking up at the ceiling trying to figure out if that was from a cannonball splash from the fat kid or what.. Just then the 5yr old comes bursting into the pool area, “Daddy, the stool is overflowing and wont stop.” It was like screaming shark at the beach. There was screaming and pandemonium as people where scurrying to get out of the pool.
Sigh

If it looks like fecal it probably is

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and of course the kids have used all the towels except for one. My lovely wife takes her shower and uses the last one. I ask her where her towel is. I am thinking how dirty could a towel be if used to dry off a clean person? She tells me its dirty, whatever. Women can be so modest. I find the towel and again I might have heard, “its dirty” but with a quick shake I hang it up to dry as I climb in for my shower. I did notice a couple of brown stains but being in a hotel who knows what stains become permanent. Sometime later in the day the stain observation comes out and she confuses that she put the poop stains on the towel. In horror I ask why didn’t you tell me. Her response was she did by saying they were dirty. It would have been too crass for a women to say she had “shitted” on the towel.
Sigh