Pukaroma I, II,III,& IV

March 27, 1999 Pukaroma Weekend, the Nightmare Begins.
Cast:
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Mom
Dad
Ashley 11
Joey 8
Molly 1.5

9:00pm Family was finishing up eating Daddy's world famous homemade pizza and yes
some say it's better than our beloved Tim McCune's.

10:00pm All is quite, all are asleep.
1:08am I was brought out of my sleep to hear coughing, gulping and a little crying from
hour 18mos old. I dashed into her room to gladly see she was just doing dry heaves. With not a moment to spare I snatched her out of bed with only 9 large steps to the bathroom. But as I
turned around I met mom who was concerned and wanted me to stop so she could assess the
situation, being a nurse and all. My screams of “get out of my way woman she's gonna blow” were ignored by my wife.
The 3 second delay was long enough for the projectile vomit stream to strike me in the side of the face and part of the bed. In a futile attempt to get to the bathroom I left a trail of regurgitated pepperoni pizza.

1:10am As wife gives Molly a bath and starts the one of many loads of laundry, I am going
down stairs to bring up Mr. Bissle to start cleaning up the trail of puke. I was about halfway
done dreaming of going back to bed when I heard out of Ashley's room one large cough then 2
seconds of rushing liquids roaring out of her mouth.

1:25am Her room was a site to see. She had turned and caught the edge of the bed where
it sprayed over the other half of the room. Now here would be a good argument to keep your
stuff picked up in ones room because now all her stuff including clothes had chucks and liquid
pizza clinging to them.

1:30am Mom hauls her to the bathroom where she remained curled in a fetal position next to the porcelain throne. Another load of laundry to be done

1:48am Mr. Bissle has taken care of Trail of Puke and we are now heading into Ashley's
room to deal with the regurgitated pizza spackled floor. I discovered that pepperoni takes a long
time to digest as I had to hand pick those pieces up.

2:08am I am emptying Mr. Bissle when I hear Joe yell I don't
feel well. I asked him if he felt like throwing up and he answered with a rush of vomit. Mom
cleaned him up and sent him to the other bathroom to curl up in the fetal position, this is going to
be a popular position tonight. Another load of laundry to do.

2:59am Done with Ashley's room and halfway done with Joe's carpet when I hear my wife
screaming she can't make it. As I was about ask what did she mean by I can't make it I hear
hacking and coughing with her head pointed at the one spot of carpet untouched by vomit. I
grabbed her and drug her to the toilet where buckets came streaming out.

4:20am 5 loads of laundry are done, beds made, kids and mom curled at the porcelain alter
for the night, my work is done, time to sleep now.

April 8, 2000 Pukaroma Weekend II

These are true stories and as much as I would like to say they are embellished they are not. In
fact I probably have blocked out some of the horrid details. You ask what is the purpose of these
writings? Answer, planned parent hood. If you have a young couple and they are thinking they
are ready for kids then give them the Pukaroma Weekend stories and see if they are ready, I'm
betting not since I'm 40 now and I get weak thinking about the future stories I have yet to write.

A 4 mos boy was added to the all star cast.
Gunnar
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty

Day 1
10:30pm: I had just changed a major dry heave diaper on Gunnar and lucky for me the
diaper had contained the soupage so other than the pungent stomach ripping smell all had gone
well. I was calling it a night. As I was walking back to my bed of comfort I passed Ashley's
room only to hear major dinosaur calls, not a good thing. I ran in hoping she was only in the dry
heave stages but no. There was a 1 foot diameter pool of regurgitated chunked soup on her
comforter. Apparently my turning on the light was a big mistake because when she saw what
was in her bed she freaked. There might as well have been a bed full of spiders as she flung the
comforter with the self contained vomit off the bed. Now chunks and puke came raining down in
the room like a Wizard's blizzard in Warcraft II. Puke had now claimed the walls, desk, blanket,
sheets, bed comforter, and 20sq feet of carpet. After hosing off the comforter on the back porch
(my dogs will love this reheated treat) 2 loads of laundry and 30 min with the Bissle Clean
Machine (can't live without one) I was making Ashley's bed.

11:38pm As a precaution I put towels down on the floor and a large overflow bowl for
future episodes. I was gleefully skipping back to my room after tucking her in when I seemed to
notice gut wrenching odor. It was Molly and she was working on a blowout from the bottom
end. Just as I was going to assess the leakage factor I heard back in the other room more praying to the porcelain alter. As I walked back to Ashley's room I wasn't too worried since she had that bowl but no it was It was all over her blankets. Apparently she was too tired to lean over and hit the bowl.

12:08am Bad news Molly's soupy diaper had penetrated through, blown up the back and
was now soaking into the bedding. I wrapped her up in a towel and gingerly carried her to
the bathtub hoping not to drip any soupage on the carpet. By now the combination of puke and
diarrhea stench was not helping with my digestion of the pizza I had eaten earlier.

1:10am Molly was now bathed and dressed, and in bed asleep. Time to hit the hay. As I
was heading to our bathroom I heard little Gunnar coughing or was that puking? Another reason
not to have extra bedding and cute stuff toys in the crib. Sure enough yellow puke all over
bedding and stuffed animals. As I picked him up he let me know he still loved me with a little
yellow projectile vomiting on me. But luck was with me since my large body had enough surface
area that the puke never reached the carpet. I wiped the puke off of me (his first puke ever),
changed his outfit, washed his bedding and took that well deserved shower.

2:15am Climbed into bed. Wife coming out of her oblivious comma sleep nudges me
saying she had had a rough day and could I keep the racket down, oh and could I get her some
juice. If only I could sleep so well.

2:20am Before my senses take in any more I passed out.

Day 2 Relatively speaking a better day

11:30pm The wife and I had just settled down into the Jacuzzi. As I was twisting off the
cap to my wine cooler I heard a startling pound on the bathroom door followed by "I threw up".
Sigh, wife said enjoy the moment here check on his undocumented claim later but it was hard to
relax knowing there was puke claiming more and more territories as I waited.

12:05am Hauled out my friend Mr. Bissle and headed for Joe's room. The good news was
he leaned over the bed and missed all of the bedding. The bad news was 2 of his dresser drawers
were pullout and thus were visited by Mr. Puke. But that was easy to cleanup as I pulled them
out into a heap for my lovely wife to have for the next morning. Mr. Bissle groaned from the
excessive use and split out a connecting hose spewing water all over the walls. No problem used
a towel on the floor to catch the drippage and grabbed the leaking hose with my hand and hurried on to get the job done.

1:12am Fell into bed, closed eyes but now I hear Gunnar crying, something about a tummy
ache. Brought Gunnar to wife, wife says he's ready to go back. Five min later Gunnar is ready
to visit mom again, and so on and so on.
2:30am Passed out.

6:15am Tap on shoulder its Molly she's hungry now.



February 27, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday III

It truly makes you wonder how parents make it raising kids. No choice of our own an average night our sleep is 5hrs with one to two awakenings. These are all true stories. Molly is 3.5yrs and Gunnar is 14mos.

11:45pm I get the giddy idea that we should go to bed early, so we do, skipping
extracurricular activities and going straight for sleep.

12:19am Gunnar does his stretching shrieking cry. So wife puts him in OUR bed with
bottle. Not a good move in hind sight.

12:30am Gunnar flings empty bottle on to dad's unprotected face, a ritual to let dad know
that he his done and will be settling down for the night in dads ever shrinking bed real estate.

12:45am Whimper noises coming from son, dad ignores figuring its another ploy to push
dad close to edge of bed.

12:50am Gunnar places hands on dads chest to better prop himself up in bed in an effort to
get his head in a more dominating position.

12:51am Gunnar now speaks but instead it's a rumbling cough followed by the ever so
missed projectile vomit. Sigh

1:15am Gunnar is washed down, dad is washed down, new set of bed sheets and
thankfulness that nothing landed on the carpet.

1:18am Gunnar back in bed, dad reclaims bed real estate.

1:30am Molly comes busting in the room running over to mom's side. A little unusual
aggressive behavior for 1:30am but mom brushes off suspicious behavior saying Molly just misses her mommy.

1:31am Molly cuddles next to mom and mumbles something. As mom is guessing what
word Molly is saying mom stumbles on the phrase "throw up". During the process of confirming
this, I am left with the dilemma of do I grab her and fling her into the bathroom 14' away with the gamble I don't make it and thus leaving the trail of puke on the carpet or do I let mom take the brunt of her dinosaur calls. Choice was easy let mom take the hit, since the decision making is in my head but God for bid if she knew I let nature takes its course on her.

1:55am Mom has taken her shower, molly washed up towels laid on bed, we ran out of
bed sheets by now, and everyone dozing off. As I am sinking into my cherished 4.5 hours of
sleep, mom sighs and mutters something about I am surprised the other 2 kids haven't been
singing their song.

6:30am As luck would have it sleep was on our side for now but the weekend is still not
far away.

November 21, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday IV

The day before I had gotten a request for the stories and I had thought to myself glad I am just
sending these stories and not writing them.

6:38 pm Settling in watching my son at basketball at practice, wife is at work and Ashley is
watching the 4 year old and 2 year old at home.

6:40pm Phone rings, Ashley is screaming and crying that Matthew is Puking everywhere and she was leaving in 10 min so I better get home. On the drive home I was trying to remember after cleaning out the basement where I had put Mr. Bissel after the last episode.

6:51pm Came in through the door only to be hit by a heavy acidic blast of odor. From my vast
experience in this type of situation I was able to contain my dry heave urges. The kids seemed
to be settled down and from what I could reconstruct this is what happened. Gunnar started
gurgling which brought Ashley over to check things out. Then he projected out a heavy
green/yellow thick fluid at her which of course landed on the carpet. Ashley turned and ran in terror cowering on the couch as if a mouse was about on the floor. Gunnar scared wanted comfort so he climbed on the couch seeking the comfort he needed from Ashley. Then another belch and mor yellow chunky substance splattered the couch. Ashley jumped off and went racing to her room with Gunnar dripping puke following in her steps.

6:55pm I picked up Gunnar placed him in the bath tub, stripped him down and gave him a
sponge bath, in hind site I should have waited another 5 min.

7:15pm I brought in Mr. Bissle from the garage. By the time I got back Gunnar was crying. I
picked him up expecting more of a mess in the crib but found none. Then I noticed my hands
were starting to feel damp. I started to unzip him but was only half way down before I realized
the dampness was a blow out which went all the way up the back to the neck. Never new mixing
a blowout with puke could be so hard on the lungs.

7:25pm Placed him back in the tub for a complete bath.

7:40pm He is dressed and happy so I better get back to the mess before it sits in.

7:45pm I screw the hose from Mr. Bissle on to the sink only to notice the washer is cracker, shouldn't make a difference.

7:50pm I turn on water for a pre test. Cracked wash does make a difference. Fortunately the
window by the sink took most of the water and rest on the floor, was going to mop later that
night anyway. Dug around a found a non cracked washer now I am good to go.

7:55pm Gunnar is crying again. Apparently he went into his sister room and from what I can
figure started twirling around as he blew because it is everywhere, beds clothes, carped and toys.

8:05pm He is redressed and is in his crib just incase he has more ideas.

8:10pm Mr. Bissle fires up with that every so familiar roar. Starting with the first area hit with puke, I squeeze the trigger for the blast of hot water. Water starts squirting out from the handle dousing me in a bath of water. I cover the leak the best i can I continue on. Ashley being the observant teenager she is points out that I am getting water spots on the carpet.

8:15pm Too much leakage so I decide that I can simple glue the leak with so often used Super
Glue. Gunner pukes again but I just lift him up and change the towel under neath him. Gunnar
doses back off or in my case recharges the digestive system.

8:20pm I carefully align tip of glue bottle of leak on plastic handle and squeeze. No glue so I
squeeze a little harder and a little harder. Then crack the bottle cracks open and glue goes all
over my hands. I have about these stories but they are usually in dumb movies or Red Neck
jokes. Carefully I wash off hands with soap and water, fortunately no story here.

8:40pm Return from store with new bottle of glue and make the necessary repairs. Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

9:00pm Glue is drive and we are back in business. Fire up Mr Bissle only to realize that by
fixing that pressure release point that another one was formed around a rubber connector. No
fixing this so drenched I work my way from one puke zone to puke zones. Oh, and Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

10:00pm Everything is cleaned, I take a shower, kids in bed, all towels and bed sheets are now in a heap in front of the washing machine, time to relax.

10:01pm Mom comes in after work only to ask what have I been doing the house is a wreck.

November 22

Ashley, Joe, Molly, Mother come down with all flue symptoms. Dad goes to work on
Thanksgiving day only to be inundated with phone calls to come home and take care of them.
Calls are ignored and Dad escapes the flu epidemic. On the up note my 4year old learned to use
the stool during the illness.

November 23 Bought a Hoover Upright Turbo Steamamatic 7000. It sits waiting for the next
episode of Pukaroma Weekend Series.