Dog and New Medication = Project

I will admit that this situation was my fault for not posting a sign. 75# dog was on new arthritis medication and apparently she was not reacting to it well and thus the reason I was keeping her outside for the day as I went to work. Molly calls me at 8:30am at work to say Samantha does not want to go back outside. I said how could she go back outside if she was out to begin with. She reported that she was looking sympathetic and whimpering. I said didn't you read the note, wait thats right I forgot the note. What the hey, Samantha the dog always stays in the kitchen.

Come home and open the door to a wall of stench like that of a pail of fermented diapers. Quick scan shows no mess upstairs I head down stairs to see Joe at the computer who is unaffected by the toxic fumes and says nothing when he sees me so mess must not be down here. But wait he is entrenched with MySpace and oblivious to the shit around him, literally. I scream as I see vomit not less than 8 feet from him. A quick look to my right reveals 8 piles, er pools of diahria on the carpet. I yell at Joe did you not see the mines of fecal as you left your room. Puzzle look from him as looks at me and my pointing finger. His focus pulls away from the MySpace and his smell sensors verify what he was seeing. He screamed and exclaims, "I almost step in that stuff. I wondered what it was." The power of observation of a teenager, simple amazing.

Standard cleanup procedures, alcohol, steam cleaner, Resolve, Frebreeze, and a shower. Sigh

How to get stuck in ones driveway

Not to pick on women drivers, just the ones in my house. 12:20am just started first stage of sleep when daughter Ashley calls to report she was stuck in her driveway which was located off the back alley. Being the sympathetic father I was I said thanks for letting me know and unplugged the phone. Next day in Sundays best, we headed over to her place after church to see how one could actually get stuck. Turns out the drive way sloped up off the alley. Apparently she spun the wheel until it dug out the dirt until the front part of the car was beached but the good news was the tire on the left was still in the alley and had some traction. Piece of cake to push out so I thought of course I was assuming she was in reverse and not in drive. I stood by the front side of the car to see how stuck she was during her attempt to get out. Ashley without warning cranks the wheel from straight to hard right for maximum mud fleeing and guns it forward. With mud flying the car lurches forward digging in the front bumper into the driveway. I admit it was my fault for not explaining to get unstuck we need to reverse direction. Second attempt with straighten wheels in reverse she eases out. Car came out nicely except for pulling half the bumper off as the car was backing out. I was then thinking didn't we just spend $2,300 getting the front fixed from the last accident. Sigh

Putting into Park.

I get this story from Molly who recants the story with vivid detail. Mother, Molly and Gunnar were going into Dara's Fast Lane for Beverages. Mom was getting her diet coke mix, Molly was getting her slushy mix and Gunnar his favorite gum. As the family was waiting in line with their beverages, a man came rushing in yelling to the tranquil crowd, "Who is the owner of the Mini Van?" Mom said, "I am." Man reports that the van is rolling away. Wife has vivid images from the recently watched movie "RV" and goes running outside only to see a crowd bracing themselves against the car preventing impact with the gas pumps. Mom jumps in Van, puts into park and like its no big deal goes back in to pay. Parking properly has never been her strong suite. Sigh

Birth Control via Castration

Side note on how lucky Gunnar made it in to the family. Snip and clip operation was schedule but Doc. broke his ankle 2 days before surgery, rescheduled. We had been trying for 9 years and only had Molly, hot jacuzzi bath with lots of alcohol, wife nursing and wrong time of the month and surgery was the next day. So what the hell, what are the chances? Lucky boy he was to get by all that.

First I would say don't take anyone with you that is going to watch and give a commentary on the procedure as it happens I don't need to hear things like it looks like a little meat ball or its just like cutting spaghetti. I thought the local shot was going to be the worst of it, wrong. After he start cutting, the 2 boys quickly retreated back into my body. Not to worry, the Doc. braced one arm on my leg when he said "This might hurt a bit" Then the tug-a-war began, my testicles straining to get away while the Doc was pulling with all his might to get then down for the severing. Might as well have been smacking them between ping pong paddles to his pulling. They say icepack for a couple of days and your good to go, that and 3 years of feeling like you are constantly being racked.

Bottom Line: Never say what are the chances and if you can talk her into getting them tied, go that route.

Daddy has a new girfriend

My investigatory daughter decided to see if I had a girlfriend, like I could afford one of those. She started off going through a couple of my voice mail messages on my cell phone. She hit pay dirt so she thought. She hurries off to my sister's house where she is in a state of tears. For further evidence she calls my girlfriend who is barraged with who is this and why is she with her dad. He responds with no I am not his girlfriend but his boss. All of this made for a nice annual evaluation and conversation with my wife who now wants to know who I am messing around with. Sigh, women.

Encounters with the law

To understand how my life lives out in the real world I started thinking of my relationship with the law so I am recapping my encounters with the law.

1. On coming police car turns on emergency lights and starts to pull a U-turn. Dave stops to allow the turn only to be rear ended by a lady driver. Cop signals me over to the curb only to yell at me for stopping and causing an accident. I was sited for reckless driving which I won in court.

2. Driving through and intersection when oncoming driver fails to yield with her left turn. Dave avoids accident with stunt like reflexes only to be pulled over a block later. Cop tells me how dangerous the situation was and that I should pay more attention to those types of drivers. I finally had to ask why he was pulling me over and not her. Something about those kinds of drivers are past help so he thought he would warn me. I am thinking, maybe if you would do your job and pull over and ticket violators instead of me they would stop doing it.

3. Stopped at San Diego check point. “Sir should you be driving?” I answer yes why? “You don’t look very good so I am going to have to ask you to talk with our officers” I get the standard questions of who is the Prez, who won the world series and are you legally here? I look at them do I look south of the border? I am from Kansas, the land of oz. They laugh and send me on. After so many of these stops I swore one time they called me by name. I will say that when my blond wife was with me they never pulled me over.

4. Copper pulls me over. “Sir, have you done anything illegal?” I am thinking don’t say anything sarcastic since obviously he is looking for something to haul me in. After the routine questions on my involvement with drugs, burglaries, place of birth and speeding he lets me go.

5. New Mexico HiPo pulls me over. After making me sit in a hot car for 10 min. he comes over to my door. “Sir my partner and I noticed that you only have 1 screw in your license plate and in this state you need two.” I was thinking maybe they would enjoy a good come back like, "So you say to be legal you need two screws" but decided against jail time. We get out and look and sure enough one screw has fallen out. After convincing them that I was legally here, they give me a verbal warning. Damn cops, if they were going to pull me over they should have done it 15 min early when I was seeing how the car handled at 140mph. Now that would have had something to pull me over for.

6. Four lane road nobody in front and traffic 500 feet back. A car runs a yield at the on ramp. I easily make the lane change to avoid accident. Cop pulls me over. Asks for ID before going back to his car. Comes back and starts asking me the usually questions of where I was born, where I grew up and why was I out. Being in rush I finally said something stupid like “What did you pull me over for” He pauses for a moment and comes back with “Reckless driving, lane change without signaling.” True but what about the guy that nearly hit me and even so there was nobody around me. Response was a glare and a sign here sir. I went to court since there is no way a judge would side with his story. I prepared my case, studied CA road rules, had map of the incident only to see officer "give Dave a hard time" was not there. I pleaded not guilty which was accepted. As I was leaving the judge saw all my documentation which I learned later is a big no no with judges and asked if Mr. Dave would like to show us something? As tempting as it was to show the injustice I said no your honor and got the puck out of there.

7. Water pump broke stranding my car in a lane of traffic. I quickly had a flatbed tow truck at the scene pulling my car up on the truck bed when officer "give Dave a hard time" flashed his lights and had me go over to his window for a chat. As he was explaining how he could ticket me for blocking traffic and that I would need to have the car towed as soon as possible, I was thinking maybe I should tell office "give Dave a hard time" that the tow truck driver was confused since he was dropping it off vs picking it up. Realizing it was the same officer that gave me the reckless driving ticket I told him that I would will be towed. I just thanked my lucky stars that we had such a crack pot police force protecting us.

8. Call in from central security regarding an alarm at our business. I called the police officer to report the crime. Officer told me it would be a 2-3 hours response time. I complained saying our business is being burglarized. Police officer said get in line as 5 other business had called in for that area. I said WTF. They said on going gun shoot outs currently going on through out the city had most officers pinned down and rest were confronting robberies but burglaries where at the bottom of the list. With that kind of logic I must agree and agree to get the puck out of CA.

9. DUI offense where he said I failed the sobriety test and strong smell of alcohol, blew only a .01. This was documented under “Oh Please Let Me Be Drunk, Dad”

10. Heading East when a lady driving West makes a left turn in front of me. With cat like reflexes I changed lanes keeping the car in a controlled skid only to be broad sided by another lady that apparently was following the first lady that made a left. I thought this was an open and shut case on whose fault it was, wrong. Officer talks to the lady that hit me for about 20 min then comes over to me. I knew I was in trouble when he starts off with “The way I see how it happened”. Apparently the lady said that I was traveling at a high rate of speed and warped in out of no where and had lost control of my car. She was only trying to avoid the accident when she made the left turn into. As he was writing up his report I could tell my explanation was “ya what ever” as the lady standing by her crumpled car was crying and sobbing. As luck would have it which I don’t get often, a witness said he saw the whole thing and would testify what he saw. Officer quickly tore off the citation had me sign a report that closely match how I saw the assault on my car.

11. Driving down a 4 lane road in CA when I see 3 cop cars around some poor soul’s car. I look at my speed of 55mph in a 55mph zone. I stared at it for about half a mile to make sure I didn’t coast up in speed. Next thing I knew cop cars are speeding after me, all three of them. First thing they told me was that I was traveling at a high rate of speed. I learned later that this is standard practice to accuse and try to get you to admit your guilt if you were guilty. My four year old Ashley helps out the situation with “Daddy why were you speeding?” I went for it by going on the offensive with asking them could I see the radar. They said they were pacing me. I asked how that could be since I was a half a mile ahead of them they had to travel at a high rate of speed to catch me. They make me wait the usually 10 min as my plates came back clean and gave me a verbal warning for speeding. sigh

12. Wife is pulling out of a rest stop when one of the kids pops up out of seat to go get a book in the back of the van. As soon as he popped up out of his seatbelt an unmarked officer pulls wife over for child endangerment, which is a misdemeanor. So besides a large fine we now have to get a lawyer and go before a judge for 10 sec of Gunnar unbuckling his seatbelt. Had she been 8 more miles down the road she would have been out of Barney Fief’s county and in a normal county where it is a simple moving violation, mail in fine.

13. Pulled over for missing headlight story under “Oh by the way” light out on passenger side.

14. See cop car on a side street had a funny feeling with it so I zipped down the street pulling off on a side street, carefully minding my speed as I see him pull on to the main street. 40 sec later lights are flashing after me. I look down at my 20mph speed in a 20 and I am thinking what this time. Make s me wait a full 20 min before coming up to the window. "Sir I clocked you at 40mph back there" Being in a pissed off mood I countered with could I see the radar" Response was that he didn't have to. I countered with on yes he does in Kansas and I would be bringing that up in court. He went back to his car then came back to report that the radar had lost the reading but I had been speeding and was that pizza he smelled in the car. I am trying to grasp what he is saying such as if I give him a slice of pizza he goes away. He says some more stuff that I really wasn't paying attention until he gets to the part of have a nice evening.

15. I am minding my own business following a pickup truck and make a left turn as I am heading to work. Next thing a I know a Copper has lights and siren a blazing. I pull over for him to pass but damn it he stops behind me. He seems pretty pissed off as he asked if I was just trying to kill myself? I give a puzzled look of WTF. He says he could cite me for reckless driving, signaling for only 90' feet vs 100', tail gating, speeding, and driving to close to the center line. My only response was and you can do that, I am on a bicycle. He gave me the lecture and multiple warnings. He claimed to have had clocked me going close to 40mph on the bicycle. sigh

16. I am coming off of work parking lot when my rear view mirror is filled with flashing lights. I am thinking what now? Comes up to let me know that one of my brake lights is brighter on the left than on the right. I said but they are working correct. He says yes. Goes back to his car for 5min before coming back. Says my cars license plate is out of compliance because the county that it is in does not match where we are now. I am thinking ya just like the other 15,000 cars of students that have out of state tags. I explain that I register it where I live. He argues that is where you work is where it should be registered. I told him I would see him in court. He says he is just letting me know and that I need to get it fixed. I swear cops need better things to do than verify if tag is registered in correct county.

17. Going on X-mas vacation. Apparently I left one of our cars on the street while we're gone as when I got back it was gone. I call the cops but they said they knew nothing of it but before I report it stolen to call the tow companies. I asked if the city had a policy on how long you could park and they said city did have one but did not enforced it unless there was a complaint. I called the wrecker and sure enough they had it. Apparently the Kansas HiPo was cruising around city streets and saw my car on X-mas and had it towed since apparently the state has a maximum 72hr that overrides the city if the city does not have a policy. Couldn't wait until the next time they called for a donation and I could say I already gave my $72.00 to the tow truck, Merry Christmas to you too!

Note: I am of German decent, born in Iowa, raised in Kansas but in CA many cops mistook my Kansas accent as one who came from the South of the Border.

Do you own a red car???

I was in the kitchen playing short order cook to the 12 family members over X-mas break when the doorbell rings. “Dad, there is a policeman here that needs to talk to you.” I look out the window and sure enough it’s a Copper in my driveway and my son and red car are gone. As I go to the door I am praying that the first words are not “We have your son.” As luck would have it, he asked if I owned a red car. Apparently he thought it was disabled as it was hanging out in the street and cars had to drive around it. I gave a deer in head lights look when he said jump in the car and let’s go move it. I am thinking great, drunken son abandoned the car. We drive the 500 feet to the spot only to see it parked where he normally parks it when he sees his aunt. I look at the officer who quickly points out that there is a maximum of 18 in rule from the curb. I shut up and thank him for the ride since I did not think a comment like guys always think it longer than it is. When I measured the distance it was a solid 19in from the curb. Thank goodness our police force is put to good use.

What you can't see can still smell like ....

It was Saturday morning and I was trying to catch up on sleep when wife comes in at 6:00am to report that the dogs and squirted diarrhea all over the floors. Somehow trying to go back to sleep with that image in my head didn’t work. I did manage to let my wife have a 1hr head start on the project though. I went in to the dinning room expecting the worse but pleasantly noticed no fecal matter. I was about ready to say good job when the smell hit me. Ya my wife said, “It smells like shit in here”. Puzzled because I couldn’t see anything on the floor. It wasn’t until the sun started shining in and my new angle of look that I could see where she had cleaned up the smears. The whole floor now was coated with a thin layer of dried fecal matter. I guess a Swifer Mop just smears instead of clean when it comes to diarrhea. I tried using the tried and true mop and bucket but some how at this point of fecal hardening, its still existed in spots, I just can’t see it. I am now reduced over the next few days on crawling around on the floor sniffing every inch. Sigh

Only Experience Drivers need apply.

Joe had started off to work in his car but returning saying the 2inches of ice was to hazardous for him to drive and to call work telling them he couldn’t make it in. Wife respond with “Nothing doing. What you need is an experience driver to drive you in, mommy will take you.” So off they go but instead of taking his car he suggested taking dad's. Good move on his part. So off they go down the hill toward the traffic circle. At about 150 feet before the circle of death, wife noticed she is traveling at normal speed of 25mph. She hits the breaks but locked wheels on ice becomes the sleigh ride from hell. Both Joe and my wife start screaming like in Lampoons Chevy Chases in Christmas Vacation as they slide down the hill. When they reached the circle my wife cranks the wheels hard left for maximum damage. Through the circle they slide until they slam into the curb, coming to a rest partially in the neighbors yard. Axel is now bent, rim is now bent, tire now will not hold air. Wife’s comment to me was “Your car doesn’t drive very well now”. Sigh

Didn't know a car would start while in 1st gear

I am coming down the driveway for the evening paper when I noticed Joe walking toward me, gaping hole in front bumper of car and a pile of bricks from the mail box. First thing he says is “Dad guess what happened?” My response was yes I have brick glue and no you can not buff that out. Sigh

Math Photographic Memory

It was another typical night of father son doing math homework. These were cherished times to remember. These were particularly time consuming problems that I was working up on the white board. They were 12 problems of solving simultaneous equations. After 90min of work I come back from the board to see how Joe was doing only to see no work written down for the last 90 min. I asked WTF, response was something about he thought I would write it down later. Ya like I have photographic memory! 2hrs later at 1:30am I’m finally done re doing all the work again. Sigh

X-mas Lights Bulls eye

It was time for the yearly hang X-mas lights. I did the standard 60 min of untangling the previous year lights. Being outside I didn’t want one of the kids running over the lights so I neatly wound them up like a garden hose. As I was coming back out of the garage I hear Gunnar yells to his friend “hey watch this” as he launches his kick ball in the sky. I will have to give him 10 for form, 10 for height and 10 for accuracy for hitting the coiled lights dead center. Sigh

Frebreez is not BBQ Sauce

I come home starving for dinner only to find the wife grilling chicken breasts in Curlys hickory smoked BBQ sauce. They are to die for on a toasted bun with sharp shedder cheese. I stand guarding these beauties until I hear the words of “Honey please fix up the sandwiches” No problem, I scoop up the chicken and start preparing the sandwiches. As it is no one is standing in line so the first one has my name on it especially since I probably lost 3 pounds while waiting. As I am making my sandwich instead of smelling the once sweet hickory BBQ I smell more of clothes freshener. I fight off the odd smell coming from my taste of heaven and layer on the cheese. Once again the smell starts to smell much stronger like Frebreez. I sniff my shirt cuff which seems to be the source of freshnes since BBQ doesn’t taste like Frebreeze. Sandwich complete. I took a big bite of heaven only to be met with an initial strong taste of Frebreeze. I fight through the Frebreeze taste looking for the BBQ taste. Finally I release, my lips are on fire, my eyes are watering. I spit the sandwich out and start splashing water all over my face. I look at my wife with swollen red lips and said WTF. Apparently when I installed the new Frebreez air freshener which is about 100 times more concentrated then normal Frebreeze, I installed it upside down which soaked a sponge and tongs. The sponge was used on the cutting board and the tongs were used to remove the meat. I just stood there looking at my once proud sandwich in the sink bubbling with foam as I washed it down the drain. Wife hands be a bag of carrots and says here’s supper. Sigh

Soccer Ball, privates, & rolling chair.

I say it was all in fair play, kick the soccer ball as hard as you can at a male’s private. So I was busy working on the computer in the basement with Molly and Gunnar honing their soccer skills in the other room. Next thing I hear is “Don’t be such a baby and kick the ball at me” I hear a loud thud and Molly saying “ I didn’t mean to kick you there” I look over to see Gunnar going to hulk mode. I scream for Molly to run to me. As Gunnar is righting himself he starts justifying his future actions with “She kicked me in the privates” Like a Line Backer coming in on a Quarterbacks’s blind side he races across the room toward Molly. Being the athlete that I am, I push off the desk on my roller chair for the block. He hits me like a ton of bricks and we spin off into the wall. With me hanging on to him he tares out again after Molly who is running around the room. You would think my weight on the rolling chair he was dragging around would have slowed him down but it didn’t’. I was in for a wild ride as he was dragging me and the chair from one wall to the next chasing poor Molly while banging into tables chairs and anything else in the way. Finally Molly found the door to the stairs and disappeared upstairs. Thank goodness he is only 7.
Sigh

Car brakes failed

I get the call that every dad loves to hear at work, “Dad I was in a car accident.” Her version was that the brakes were old and didn’t stop in time. I asked here were she was and she reported she was at the mechanics. I told her that for that kind of boo boo you need a body shop. Mechanics there told me that she should not drive it as the damaged radiator had no fluid in it. Hard concept to convey to my daughter who responded that it still drove. Ca Ching $1,000 deductible. Sigh

MIA Wheel cowlings

Ashley had her new used car for only 3 weeks when I noticed that the front wheel well cowlings were missing. Not parts of it but both wheel wells were completely gone. I asked her WTF happened. Her response was “well dad we were driving down the road behind this truck when “something” flew off and we ran over it. My friend asked if that loud impact noise was serious but I told her I think we are fine.” This is one of those stories that you get the real story 20 years later because for the life of me, I can not figure out what you could run over that would rip both wheel cowlings out. Sigh

Missing wiper blade but other one still works

I am not saying women and cars don’t mix, I am saying the women in my house and cars don’t mix. My wife reports that the wiper blade flew off while in use leaving only the bare metal which was scraping across the windshield. I asked why didn’t you turn it off. Response it was still raining and the other wiper worked. Needless to say that I now have a nice scratch across the windshield. Sigh

Door Bell Ashley needs sleep

Same old story, no sleep but tonight I made it to bed by 11:00. 11:05 door bell rings non-stop. I throw on my pants and take Duke the guard dog to the door. I crack open the door, keeping my right hands on the door just in case. With out words Ashley ducks under my arm and enters. In the 4 seconds it takes to get the dog back in and door lock, I hear my bedroom door shut. I am then thinking, “What just happened here???” When I open the bedroom door to ask WTF, my wife throws me a pillow and says, “Ashley needs some good sleep and they are partying at her house” Arrrgghh

Ashley has not left the bed

I am writing this more for me to document the craziness of it all. Getting into bed when the phone rings, "Dad, I feel sick, please come get me." I get her home and by the time I make it back to getting in bed I notice my spot has been replaced with her. And more recently when I wake up, I never know if it is her or my wife. I can never make fun of people that still have their kids sleeping with them at age 3 as mine is approaching 20. Sigh

Gunnar + Gun = SRS

Dodged the bullet on this one. Miss Molly comes running into the house to report Gunnar is showing the neighborhood kids his gun. Ya, ya that is what boys do. Then I as was thinking what play gun did he have that would draw such a big crowd Molly repeats again, "Dad he has the shotgun out there!" Great all I need is a 7yr old showing off his brothers shotgun to the kids. Joe gets the gun back and amazing nobody reported back to their parents and no police or SRS. Dodged one as this could have been a real entertaining blog entry. If anyone reports this, I will deny it all.