How many abulances does it take??

I was in the middle of a big fund raiser event located on main street. I had 20 customers waiting in line and I was cooking as fast as i could when the phone rang. 21yr old calls and says there has been an accident, there is police and ambulances. I said is this a joke cause I am really busy here. Luck would have it my wife was getting off work and she likes these kinds of projects.
Turns out
1. Daughter's foot slipped off and she bumps van in front.
2. No damage on bumpers but women jumps out and screams that all of her family is injured and needs ambulances.
3. With 3 cop cars and 2 ambulances taking people in for massive neck injuries, police are still trying to figure out if they are at the correct accident scene.
4. 6 mos later the letter from the attorney is warning us that his client is still determining the damages.
5. More to come on this one.

sigh

Son's new car, maybe

Son was getting his first car, a 86 rebuilt Honda civic but it about did survive.
1. On the way home in the badlands of New Mexico it his hit by a coyote that takes out the bumper and cracks the windshield.
2. While its in the body shop it misses out on the 200mph baseball size hail that does 2.8 million damage to town. Hail was so strong it was putting holes through cars and barns.
3. Month later once out of the shop a tornado misses our house by 2 miles.

Car survives and Joe has his new car and dad gets whats left of his old car back.

How to fix water damaged cell phone

21yr daughter comes in announcing that she dropped her cell phone in the snow but don't worry she knows how to dry it off. She reports that her good friend at the customer service says to put the cell phone in the dryer. As I was thinking how you would position the hair dryer to blow on the cell phone, I hear the clothes dryer door slam shut. I screamed "Nooooo" only to hear "don't worry dad, the lady says this works" The single clunking becomes multiple clunking as I screamed "STOP!!" As daughter is assembling the phone back together, I explained if she meant dryer then you need to insert the rack in the dryer and put the phone on the rack so it isn't smashed into oblivion.

Not much of a lesson learned as she got a new phone under a new contract which I found out meant I was paying more. So maybe there was a purpose in smashing the phone after all.
sigh.

New year's romance

Its new year's eve and I am ready to make something of it. Older son is spending the night at a friends, 11yr is at cousins, 21 yr daughter hopefully is not coming home to crash which only leaves the 9yr old home but sick.

Its 11:30pm and I have the basket with special towels, soap and lotions. As I am heading to the jacuzzi, I am hit with the smell of puke when I open our bedroom door. Son has crawled onto my side of the bed and has puked all over himself and my bed. Wife says " romance night is off, go wash the sheets" as she heads to the couch, leaving my standing there with my basket of romance paraphernalia thinking wtf just happened here. 90 min later bed is made, taken cold shower and to go I go bed.

Sigh, kids.

Why dad did not go to the talent show.

Apparently I volunteered to be the first to take in the stomach flu at our house. I started getting chest pains but attributed the pains to the fact I hadn't eaten in 3 days. Later that evening around 7:00pm I was resting comfortable in the recliner up at my sister's party watching the Denver playoffs. Shortly afterward it was announced that my kids and their cousins would be doing a talent show in the basement and thus the migration started to the stairs. At this point I was concentrating on the fact the tightness in my chess was making it hard to breath let alone yell out, "we have a situation here." The room cleared and I was left alone rubbing my chest. Oh well how long can a kids talent show last? ONE hour later my daughter is the first back up and starts in on the tongue lashing on how bad a father I am. Sis, who is in the medical field looks at me and ask if I am okay? No not with a 100 pounds on my chest. So with an aspirin under the tongue I am heading toward the Regional hospital to the heart unit. I still think I was hearing from the 11yr old as I was going out the door, "You are the worst dad for not coming to my show."

Get to the ER and checked in only to hear that the Regional heart unit was closed for the holidays and I would need to be off by ambulance to the next city so please no heart attacks until you are the responsibility of the next hospital. By the time I get checked in its 2:30am, I am told there will be tests will start at 4:30am so rest what you can. 2:31am, call from my concerned 19yr old, concerned that someone needs to come home now because, the 11yr is in my bed puking all over it. Great, that will be nice to come home to, dried puke in the bed.

$20,000 worth of tests later it turns out the ECG abnormality was normal and no heart attack. Since I started the flu bug, I was vote to scrape puke off when we got back.
Gotta love the family.

New way to get ice off the drive way

Typical winter in Kansas, it rained then froze ice all over the road ways. As I am coming into the house, I notice by the door my 10lb sledge hammer. Before I could ask my 18yr son if he knew why it was left out there, he reports "hey dad the sledge hammer works real good on getting the ice off the driveway." So at least I will not be wondering how tf did these chips get into my driveway last winter.

Auto Tech 101

So I come out of the house only to see my son with the hood to my car popped up. I should have treated this situation like that of a suspicious person in a restricted area of an airplane but no. I entertained all his questions of "What’s this" and "What does this do" He became especially interested in the battery and how to clean the terminals. Knowing he was taking Auto Tech 101, I thought this was a legitimate question. He removed the terminal cables and proceeded to clean connectors and terminals. 5 min later he was done and the hood is down. “You are good to go sir.” Great, because I had an errand to run. I was merrily heading to my destination when I reached the main artery where I needed to turn on to. It’s a 4 lane road with high speed traffic. I looked to my left and see only a semi but plenty of time to pull in front of. I do so or at least start/commit to my turn. But then there is literally no power. I pump the accelerator but realize all lights are off. At this point I sense I need to accelerate or be a grill decoration of the semi that is bearing down on me. Luck was with me as I had enough adrenalin to turn a powerless steering wheel to the edge of the road. This was quickly followed by an irritated blast from the Semi's horn as he missed me by inches. As I am standing there under the hood thinking WTF, it dawns on me what had transpired 30min earlier. I checked the cables and sure enough they pull off easily. Apparently next week in Auto Tech 101, they were going to cover tightening bolts that you loosen. Being a mile from home, I call home but no answer, son has now fled the crime scene. A quick walk home and back earns me a socket and wrench that don't fit each other. Socket work good enough to tighten it so I can drive about 200 feet before I have to jiggle the cable, drive 200feet jiggle cable, drive..... When son finally gets home I ask “what about tightening the bolts back.” Response "Oh". Sigh

Dog and New Medication = Project

I will admit that this situation was my fault for not posting a sign. 75# dog was on new arthritis medication and apparently she was not reacting to it well and thus the reason I was keeping her outside for the day as I went to work. Molly calls me at 8:30am at work to say Samantha does not want to go back outside. I said how could she go back outside if she was out to begin with. She reported that she was looking sympathetic and whimpering. I said didn't you read the note, wait thats right I forgot the note. What the hey, Samantha the dog always stays in the kitchen.

Come home and open the door to a wall of stench like that of a pail of fermented diapers. Quick scan shows no mess upstairs I head down stairs to see Joe at the computer who is unaffected by the toxic fumes and says nothing when he sees me so mess must not be down here. But wait he is entrenched with MySpace and oblivious to the shit around him, literally. I scream as I see vomit not less than 8 feet from him. A quick look to my right reveals 8 piles, er pools of diahria on the carpet. I yell at Joe did you not see the mines of fecal as you left your room. Puzzle look from him as looks at me and my pointing finger. His focus pulls away from the MySpace and his smell sensors verify what he was seeing. He screamed and exclaims, "I almost step in that stuff. I wondered what it was." The power of observation of a teenager, simple amazing.

Standard cleanup procedures, alcohol, steam cleaner, Resolve, Frebreeze, and a shower. Sigh

How to get stuck in ones driveway

Not to pick on women drivers, just the ones in my house. 12:20am just started first stage of sleep when daughter Ashley calls to report she was stuck in her driveway which was located off the back alley. Being the sympathetic father I was I said thanks for letting me know and unplugged the phone. Next day in Sundays best, we headed over to her place after church to see how one could actually get stuck. Turns out the drive way sloped up off the alley. Apparently she spun the wheel until it dug out the dirt until the front part of the car was beached but the good news was the tire on the left was still in the alley and had some traction. Piece of cake to push out so I thought of course I was assuming she was in reverse and not in drive. I stood by the front side of the car to see how stuck she was during her attempt to get out. Ashley without warning cranks the wheel from straight to hard right for maximum mud fleeing and guns it forward. With mud flying the car lurches forward digging in the front bumper into the driveway. I admit it was my fault for not explaining to get unstuck we need to reverse direction. Second attempt with straighten wheels in reverse she eases out. Car came out nicely except for pulling half the bumper off as the car was backing out. I was then thinking didn't we just spend $2,300 getting the front fixed from the last accident. Sigh

Putting into Park.

I get this story from Molly who recants the story with vivid detail. Mother, Molly and Gunnar were going into Dara's Fast Lane for Beverages. Mom was getting her diet coke mix, Molly was getting her slushy mix and Gunnar his favorite gum. As the family was waiting in line with their beverages, a man came rushing in yelling to the tranquil crowd, "Who is the owner of the Mini Van?" Mom said, "I am." Man reports that the van is rolling away. Wife has vivid images from the recently watched movie "RV" and goes running outside only to see a crowd bracing themselves against the car preventing impact with the gas pumps. Mom jumps in Van, puts into park and like its no big deal goes back in to pay. Parking properly has never been her strong suite. Sigh

Birth Control via Castration

Side note on how lucky Gunnar made it in to the family. Snip and clip operation was schedule but Doc. broke his ankle 2 days before surgery, rescheduled. We had been trying for 9 years and only had Molly, hot jacuzzi bath with lots of alcohol, wife nursing and wrong time of the month and surgery was the next day. So what the hell, what are the chances? Lucky boy he was to get by all that.

First I would say don't take anyone with you that is going to watch and give a commentary on the procedure as it happens I don't need to hear things like it looks like a little meat ball or its just like cutting spaghetti. I thought the local shot was going to be the worst of it, wrong. After he start cutting, the 2 boys quickly retreated back into my body. Not to worry, the Doc. braced one arm on my leg when he said "This might hurt a bit" Then the tug-a-war began, my testicles straining to get away while the Doc was pulling with all his might to get then down for the severing. Might as well have been smacking them between ping pong paddles to his pulling. They say icepack for a couple of days and your good to go, that and 3 years of feeling like you are constantly being racked.

Bottom Line: Never say what are the chances and if you can talk her into getting them tied, go that route.

Daddy has a new girfriend

My investigatory daughter decided to see if I had a girlfriend, like I could afford one of those. She started off going through a couple of my voice mail messages on my cell phone. She hit pay dirt so she thought. She hurries off to my sister's house where she is in a state of tears. For further evidence she calls my girlfriend who is barraged with who is this and why is she with her dad. He responds with no I am not his girlfriend but his boss. All of this made for a nice annual evaluation and conversation with my wife who now wants to know who I am messing around with. Sigh, women.

Encounters with the law

To understand how my life lives out in the real world I started thinking of my relationship with the law so I am recapping my encounters with the law.

1. On coming police car turns on emergency lights and starts to pull a U-turn. Dave stops to allow the turn only to be rear ended by a lady driver. Cop signals me over to the curb only to yell at me for stopping and causing an accident. I was sited for reckless driving which I won in court.

2. Driving through and intersection when oncoming driver fails to yield with her left turn. Dave avoids accident with stunt like reflexes only to be pulled over a block later. Cop tells me how dangerous the situation was and that I should pay more attention to those types of drivers. I finally had to ask why he was pulling me over and not her. Something about those kinds of drivers are past help so he thought he would warn me. I am thinking, maybe if you would do your job and pull over and ticket violators instead of me they would stop doing it.

3. Stopped at San Diego check point. “Sir should you be driving?” I answer yes why? “You don’t look very good so I am going to have to ask you to talk with our officers” I get the standard questions of who is the Prez, who won the world series and are you legally here? I look at them do I look south of the border? I am from Kansas, the land of oz. They laugh and send me on. After so many of these stops I swore one time they called me by name. I will say that when my blond wife was with me they never pulled me over.

4. Copper pulls me over. “Sir, have you done anything illegal?” I am thinking don’t say anything sarcastic since obviously he is looking for something to haul me in. After the routine questions on my involvement with drugs, burglaries, place of birth and speeding he lets me go.

5. New Mexico HiPo pulls me over. After making me sit in a hot car for 10 min. he comes over to my door. “Sir my partner and I noticed that you only have 1 screw in your license plate and in this state you need two.” I was thinking maybe they would enjoy a good come back like, "So you say to be legal you need two screws" but decided against jail time. We get out and look and sure enough one screw has fallen out. After convincing them that I was legally here, they give me a verbal warning. Damn cops, if they were going to pull me over they should have done it 15 min early when I was seeing how the car handled at 140mph. Now that would have had something to pull me over for.

6. Four lane road nobody in front and traffic 500 feet back. A car runs a yield at the on ramp. I easily make the lane change to avoid accident. Cop pulls me over. Asks for ID before going back to his car. Comes back and starts asking me the usually questions of where I was born, where I grew up and why was I out. Being in rush I finally said something stupid like “What did you pull me over for” He pauses for a moment and comes back with “Reckless driving, lane change without signaling.” True but what about the guy that nearly hit me and even so there was nobody around me. Response was a glare and a sign here sir. I went to court since there is no way a judge would side with his story. I prepared my case, studied CA road rules, had map of the incident only to see officer "give Dave a hard time" was not there. I pleaded not guilty which was accepted. As I was leaving the judge saw all my documentation which I learned later is a big no no with judges and asked if Mr. Dave would like to show us something? As tempting as it was to show the injustice I said no your honor and got the puck out of there.

7. Water pump broke stranding my car in a lane of traffic. I quickly had a flatbed tow truck at the scene pulling my car up on the truck bed when officer "give Dave a hard time" flashed his lights and had me go over to his window for a chat. As he was explaining how he could ticket me for blocking traffic and that I would need to have the car towed as soon as possible, I was thinking maybe I should tell office "give Dave a hard time" that the tow truck driver was confused since he was dropping it off vs picking it up. Realizing it was the same officer that gave me the reckless driving ticket I told him that I would will be towed. I just thanked my lucky stars that we had such a crack pot police force protecting us.

8. Call in from central security regarding an alarm at our business. I called the police officer to report the crime. Officer told me it would be a 2-3 hours response time. I complained saying our business is being burglarized. Police officer said get in line as 5 other business had called in for that area. I said WTF. They said on going gun shoot outs currently going on through out the city had most officers pinned down and rest were confronting robberies but burglaries where at the bottom of the list. With that kind of logic I must agree and agree to get the puck out of CA.

9. DUI offense where he said I failed the sobriety test and strong smell of alcohol, blew only a .01. This was documented under “Oh Please Let Me Be Drunk, Dad”

10. Heading East when a lady driving West makes a left turn in front of me. With cat like reflexes I changed lanes keeping the car in a controlled skid only to be broad sided by another lady that apparently was following the first lady that made a left. I thought this was an open and shut case on whose fault it was, wrong. Officer talks to the lady that hit me for about 20 min then comes over to me. I knew I was in trouble when he starts off with “The way I see how it happened”. Apparently the lady said that I was traveling at a high rate of speed and warped in out of no where and had lost control of my car. She was only trying to avoid the accident when she made the left turn into. As he was writing up his report I could tell my explanation was “ya what ever” as the lady standing by her crumpled car was crying and sobbing. As luck would have it which I don’t get often, a witness said he saw the whole thing and would testify what he saw. Officer quickly tore off the citation had me sign a report that closely match how I saw the assault on my car.

11. Driving down a 4 lane road in CA when I see 3 cop cars around some poor soul’s car. I look at my speed of 55mph in a 55mph zone. I stared at it for about half a mile to make sure I didn’t coast up in speed. Next thing I knew cop cars are speeding after me, all three of them. First thing they told me was that I was traveling at a high rate of speed. I learned later that this is standard practice to accuse and try to get you to admit your guilt if you were guilty. My four year old Ashley helps out the situation with “Daddy why were you speeding?” I went for it by going on the offensive with asking them could I see the radar. They said they were pacing me. I asked how that could be since I was a half a mile ahead of them they had to travel at a high rate of speed to catch me. They make me wait the usually 10 min as my plates came back clean and gave me a verbal warning for speeding. sigh

12. Wife is pulling out of a rest stop when one of the kids pops up out of seat to go get a book in the back of the van. As soon as he popped up out of his seatbelt an unmarked officer pulls wife over for child endangerment, which is a misdemeanor. So besides a large fine we now have to get a lawyer and go before a judge for 10 sec of Gunnar unbuckling his seatbelt. Had she been 8 more miles down the road she would have been out of Barney Fief’s county and in a normal county where it is a simple moving violation, mail in fine.

13. Pulled over for missing headlight story under “Oh by the way” light out on passenger side.

14. See cop car on a side street had a funny feeling with it so I zipped down the street pulling off on a side street, carefully minding my speed as I see him pull on to the main street. 40 sec later lights are flashing after me. I look down at my 20mph speed in a 20 and I am thinking what this time. Make s me wait a full 20 min before coming up to the window. "Sir I clocked you at 40mph back there" Being in a pissed off mood I countered with could I see the radar" Response was that he didn't have to. I countered with on yes he does in Kansas and I would be bringing that up in court. He went back to his car then came back to report that the radar had lost the reading but I had been speeding and was that pizza he smelled in the car. I am trying to grasp what he is saying such as if I give him a slice of pizza he goes away. He says some more stuff that I really wasn't paying attention until he gets to the part of have a nice evening.

15. I am minding my own business following a pickup truck and make a left turn as I am heading to work. Next thing a I know a Copper has lights and siren a blazing. I pull over for him to pass but damn it he stops behind me. He seems pretty pissed off as he asked if I was just trying to kill myself? I give a puzzled look of WTF. He says he could cite me for reckless driving, signaling for only 90' feet vs 100', tail gating, speeding, and driving to close to the center line. My only response was and you can do that, I am on a bicycle. He gave me the lecture and multiple warnings. He claimed to have had clocked me going close to 40mph on the bicycle. sigh

16. I am coming off of work parking lot when my rear view mirror is filled with flashing lights. I am thinking what now? Comes up to let me know that one of my brake lights is brighter on the left than on the right. I said but they are working correct. He says yes. Goes back to his car for 5min before coming back. Says my cars license plate is out of compliance because the county that it is in does not match where we are now. I am thinking ya just like the other 15,000 cars of students that have out of state tags. I explain that I register it where I live. He argues that is where you work is where it should be registered. I told him I would see him in court. He says he is just letting me know and that I need to get it fixed. I swear cops need better things to do than verify if tag is registered in correct county.

17. Going on X-mas vacation. Apparently I left one of our cars on the street while we're gone as when I got back it was gone. I call the cops but they said they knew nothing of it but before I report it stolen to call the tow companies. I asked if the city had a policy on how long you could park and they said city did have one but did not enforced it unless there was a complaint. I called the wrecker and sure enough they had it. Apparently the Kansas HiPo was cruising around city streets and saw my car on X-mas and had it towed since apparently the state has a maximum 72hr that overrides the city if the city does not have a policy. Couldn't wait until the next time they called for a donation and I could say I already gave my $72.00 to the tow truck, Merry Christmas to you too!

Note: I am of German decent, born in Iowa, raised in Kansas but in CA many cops mistook my Kansas accent as one who came from the South of the Border.

Do you own a red car???

I was in the kitchen playing short order cook to the 12 family members over X-mas break when the doorbell rings. “Dad, there is a policeman here that needs to talk to you.” I look out the window and sure enough it’s a Copper in my driveway and my son and red car are gone. As I go to the door I am praying that the first words are not “We have your son.” As luck would have it, he asked if I owned a red car. Apparently he thought it was disabled as it was hanging out in the street and cars had to drive around it. I gave a deer in head lights look when he said jump in the car and let’s go move it. I am thinking great, drunken son abandoned the car. We drive the 500 feet to the spot only to see it parked where he normally parks it when he sees his aunt. I look at the officer who quickly points out that there is a maximum of 18 in rule from the curb. I shut up and thank him for the ride since I did not think a comment like guys always think it longer than it is. When I measured the distance it was a solid 19in from the curb. Thank goodness our police force is put to good use.

What you can't see can still smell like ....

It was Saturday morning and I was trying to catch up on sleep when wife comes in at 6:00am to report that the dogs and squirted diarrhea all over the floors. Somehow trying to go back to sleep with that image in my head didn’t work. I did manage to let my wife have a 1hr head start on the project though. I went in to the dinning room expecting the worse but pleasantly noticed no fecal matter. I was about ready to say good job when the smell hit me. Ya my wife said, “It smells like shit in here”. Puzzled because I couldn’t see anything on the floor. It wasn’t until the sun started shining in and my new angle of look that I could see where she had cleaned up the smears. The whole floor now was coated with a thin layer of dried fecal matter. I guess a Swifer Mop just smears instead of clean when it comes to diarrhea. I tried using the tried and true mop and bucket but some how at this point of fecal hardening, its still existed in spots, I just can’t see it. I am now reduced over the next few days on crawling around on the floor sniffing every inch. Sigh

Only Experience Drivers need apply.

Joe had started off to work in his car but returning saying the 2inches of ice was to hazardous for him to drive and to call work telling them he couldn’t make it in. Wife respond with “Nothing doing. What you need is an experience driver to drive you in, mommy will take you.” So off they go but instead of taking his car he suggested taking dad's. Good move on his part. So off they go down the hill toward the traffic circle. At about 150 feet before the circle of death, wife noticed she is traveling at normal speed of 25mph. She hits the breaks but locked wheels on ice becomes the sleigh ride from hell. Both Joe and my wife start screaming like in Lampoons Chevy Chases in Christmas Vacation as they slide down the hill. When they reached the circle my wife cranks the wheels hard left for maximum damage. Through the circle they slide until they slam into the curb, coming to a rest partially in the neighbors yard. Axel is now bent, rim is now bent, tire now will not hold air. Wife’s comment to me was “Your car doesn’t drive very well now”. Sigh

Didn't know a car would start while in 1st gear

I am coming down the driveway for the evening paper when I noticed Joe walking toward me, gaping hole in front bumper of car and a pile of bricks from the mail box. First thing he says is “Dad guess what happened?” My response was yes I have brick glue and no you can not buff that out. Sigh

Math Photographic Memory

It was another typical night of father son doing math homework. These were cherished times to remember. These were particularly time consuming problems that I was working up on the white board. They were 12 problems of solving simultaneous equations. After 90min of work I come back from the board to see how Joe was doing only to see no work written down for the last 90 min. I asked WTF, response was something about he thought I would write it down later. Ya like I have photographic memory! 2hrs later at 1:30am I’m finally done re doing all the work again. Sigh

X-mas Lights Bulls eye

It was time for the yearly hang X-mas lights. I did the standard 60 min of untangling the previous year lights. Being outside I didn’t want one of the kids running over the lights so I neatly wound them up like a garden hose. As I was coming back out of the garage I hear Gunnar yells to his friend “hey watch this” as he launches his kick ball in the sky. I will have to give him 10 for form, 10 for height and 10 for accuracy for hitting the coiled lights dead center. Sigh

Frebreez is not BBQ Sauce

I come home starving for dinner only to find the wife grilling chicken breasts in Curlys hickory smoked BBQ sauce. They are to die for on a toasted bun with sharp shedder cheese. I stand guarding these beauties until I hear the words of “Honey please fix up the sandwiches” No problem, I scoop up the chicken and start preparing the sandwiches. As it is no one is standing in line so the first one has my name on it especially since I probably lost 3 pounds while waiting. As I am making my sandwich instead of smelling the once sweet hickory BBQ I smell more of clothes freshener. I fight off the odd smell coming from my taste of heaven and layer on the cheese. Once again the smell starts to smell much stronger like Frebreez. I sniff my shirt cuff which seems to be the source of freshnes since BBQ doesn’t taste like Frebreeze. Sandwich complete. I took a big bite of heaven only to be met with an initial strong taste of Frebreeze. I fight through the Frebreeze taste looking for the BBQ taste. Finally I release, my lips are on fire, my eyes are watering. I spit the sandwich out and start splashing water all over my face. I look at my wife with swollen red lips and said WTF. Apparently when I installed the new Frebreez air freshener which is about 100 times more concentrated then normal Frebreeze, I installed it upside down which soaked a sponge and tongs. The sponge was used on the cutting board and the tongs were used to remove the meat. I just stood there looking at my once proud sandwich in the sink bubbling with foam as I washed it down the drain. Wife hands be a bag of carrots and says here’s supper. Sigh

Soccer Ball, privates, & rolling chair.

I say it was all in fair play, kick the soccer ball as hard as you can at a male’s private. So I was busy working on the computer in the basement with Molly and Gunnar honing their soccer skills in the other room. Next thing I hear is “Don’t be such a baby and kick the ball at me” I hear a loud thud and Molly saying “ I didn’t mean to kick you there” I look over to see Gunnar going to hulk mode. I scream for Molly to run to me. As Gunnar is righting himself he starts justifying his future actions with “She kicked me in the privates” Like a Line Backer coming in on a Quarterbacks’s blind side he races across the room toward Molly. Being the athlete that I am, I push off the desk on my roller chair for the block. He hits me like a ton of bricks and we spin off into the wall. With me hanging on to him he tares out again after Molly who is running around the room. You would think my weight on the rolling chair he was dragging around would have slowed him down but it didn’t’. I was in for a wild ride as he was dragging me and the chair from one wall to the next chasing poor Molly while banging into tables chairs and anything else in the way. Finally Molly found the door to the stairs and disappeared upstairs. Thank goodness he is only 7.
Sigh

Car brakes failed

I get the call that every dad loves to hear at work, “Dad I was in a car accident.” Her version was that the brakes were old and didn’t stop in time. I asked here were she was and she reported she was at the mechanics. I told her that for that kind of boo boo you need a body shop. Mechanics there told me that she should not drive it as the damaged radiator had no fluid in it. Hard concept to convey to my daughter who responded that it still drove. Ca Ching $1,000 deductible. Sigh

MIA Wheel cowlings

Ashley had her new used car for only 3 weeks when I noticed that the front wheel well cowlings were missing. Not parts of it but both wheel wells were completely gone. I asked her WTF happened. Her response was “well dad we were driving down the road behind this truck when “something” flew off and we ran over it. My friend asked if that loud impact noise was serious but I told her I think we are fine.” This is one of those stories that you get the real story 20 years later because for the life of me, I can not figure out what you could run over that would rip both wheel cowlings out. Sigh

Missing wiper blade but other one still works

I am not saying women and cars don’t mix, I am saying the women in my house and cars don’t mix. My wife reports that the wiper blade flew off while in use leaving only the bare metal which was scraping across the windshield. I asked why didn’t you turn it off. Response it was still raining and the other wiper worked. Needless to say that I now have a nice scratch across the windshield. Sigh

Door Bell Ashley needs sleep

Same old story, no sleep but tonight I made it to bed by 11:00. 11:05 door bell rings non-stop. I throw on my pants and take Duke the guard dog to the door. I crack open the door, keeping my right hands on the door just in case. With out words Ashley ducks under my arm and enters. In the 4 seconds it takes to get the dog back in and door lock, I hear my bedroom door shut. I am then thinking, “What just happened here???” When I open the bedroom door to ask WTF, my wife throws me a pillow and says, “Ashley needs some good sleep and they are partying at her house” Arrrgghh

Ashley has not left the bed

I am writing this more for me to document the craziness of it all. Getting into bed when the phone rings, "Dad, I feel sick, please come get me." I get her home and by the time I make it back to getting in bed I notice my spot has been replaced with her. And more recently when I wake up, I never know if it is her or my wife. I can never make fun of people that still have their kids sleeping with them at age 3 as mine is approaching 20. Sigh

Gunnar + Gun = SRS

Dodged the bullet on this one. Miss Molly comes running into the house to report Gunnar is showing the neighborhood kids his gun. Ya, ya that is what boys do. Then I as was thinking what play gun did he have that would draw such a big crowd Molly repeats again, "Dad he has the shotgun out there!" Great all I need is a 7yr old showing off his brothers shotgun to the kids. Joe gets the gun back and amazing nobody reported back to their parents and no police or SRS. Dodged one as this could have been a real entertaining blog entry. If anyone reports this, I will deny it all.

Who has gotta leave?

One day my wife brings home a Rat Terrier Dog someone had given her as the dog was homeless. I thought it was for training my lab dogs for retrieval, wrong. Any way everyone loves the dog which is getting lots of attention. Then I get the ultimatim question from the college age daughter Ashley, “Either the dog leaves or I am out of here!” What? Is this a trick question or what? Wife gives the dog away before I could answer. Sigh

Ashley if you read this, Daddy still loves you.

Pass the Ketchup Plz

Eating steak is a religious occasion around our house. I try and pick a night where all my kids are out or I fill them up on healthy hotdogs before the steak is served. Tonight I had some NY strips. Grain fed, Angus, Choice quality or 12.99 a pound. There was my wife, Joe and myself to divide up the spread. I carefully marinated the steaks in my special sauce in a vacuum container for 3 hours in the fridge. Steaks were grilled in butter to perfection. I was taking off the steaks when in swings my daughter Ashley who says, “what’s cooking” I mutter nothing you would like only to hear her grabbing a plate and swiftly slide 1 of 3 steaks to the plate. What ever, I divide the other 2 steaks between the rest of us. After the prayer we started digging in only to her Ashley ask for ketchup. I explain to her that ketchup is only for bad tasting steak and that her $13.00 steak in a wine steak juice sauce I made, did not need ketchup. She responds with a cup of ketchup smothering the steak. Six bites later she is done and leaves. My beautiful steak is dead in a sea of ketchup. Sigh

Where is the Dog's Bark Collar

Duke the yellow lab now has to wear a bark collar that we take off at night. For some reason I had to put it on the Golden Retriever who has long hair. Next day, Sat, I can't find the collar. Damn kids I blame but still no collar. I check to make sure I had taken it off Duke, no collar. Sunday all day looking, no collar. Monday no collar, wife spent a day looking. Monday night I am out playing with the dogs and there it was on the Golden retriever. She has long hair and anyone in my condition could have missed it. I still maintain with the wife that I took it off and one of the kids put it back on. Damn kids, Sigh.

One person in the batting cage PLEASE!!!!

Molly, Gunnar and myself were out for our daily batting practice. We do tee work in the net first before going to the cages. Some how we were in the “beat the holy crap out of each other with a baseball bat mode.” First one was when Gunnar handed the bat over to Miss Molly handle first and she “somehow” knocked the batt back striking him the cheek bone, nothing makeup can’t hide. Then Gunnar was swinging his bat around and I ran into it with my left wrist. Swelling wasn’t too bad, only the size of a small golf ball. Then we headed over to the batting cages. I was in the one next to Molly giving her constructive instructions. Unknowns to me, Gunnar slipped into the batting cage I was in and starting taking full cuts to time the pitches that were going to Molly. One of those full cuts came around and generated a home run ringing sound off of my right wrist that quickly swelled up to the size of a tennis ball and became stiff. So there I was driving home with Gunnar with a bruised face and me with each wrist on fire from the swelling. Might have to pass on starting the traditional family hunting trips for a couple of maturing years. Did I mention his full cut swings generate in the Park home runs at his little league games.
Sigh

Gunnar and the true purpose of sliding shorts.

This is a Grandma story so I can only assume its true. Gunnar 7, was going to his first baseball game. He was playing in the league and at this level they used the pitching machine. To look the part 6 hours before game time he was in full uniform pants, socks, cleats, shirt, hat and elastic sliding shorts. He was serious and meant business. As Grandma was looking over his uniform she couldn’t help noticing the white elastic shorts so she asked him what those pants were for. Without missing a beat and a serious look of “come on Grandma” he responded, “They are for keeping the Girls out” She didn’t go any further with the questioning, enough said.

May have to move up the Father/Son talk sooner than I thought. Sigh

Joe's Homework or is it Dad's???

It was the normal screaming session of Joe vs Math and Dad. Things ended in the typical fashion of I am too tired why don’t you work out a few examples for me to look at in the morning. Being the good Dad I worked out most the problems but in a scribble manner on the backs of other worksheets. Enough detail that he should be able to figure out the problems.

Two days later I am sitting across the table and Parent/Teacher conference going over Joe’s math progress. Out of the blue the teacher pulls out from the middle of the stack a papers something that looks familiar. Yes the scribble I had done a few days earlier was apparently handed in as homework. I can not remember what I said to weasel out of that hot seat conversation but I promised myself never again would I work out the problems. On a happier note when I told the teacher I hadn’t had Geometry for 30 years and wasn’t sure I had explained it correctly, the teacher did say that I had done an excellent job and had a clear understanding of the material. Sigh

Dad's memory is like a steel trap

My theory is that years of raising kids can take a toll on ones health and memory. It was an exciting day, a day of shopping at Sam’s. As usually when you go in they ask for your card. Being the dedicated shopper I always have my card on top so as not to hold up the line. I send the wife and kids over to the snack bar while I did the shopping. It is amazing the more people you take the higher the bill. I had my shopping list of cheese and another $300 of spontaneous got to have its and head for the checkout. I open my wallet to present my card and nothing. I panic as I am slapping all my pockets trying to find it. I am starting to get looks from people in line. Cashier makes announcement for lost card but nothing. I have to head over to the customer service to get a new card. 20 min later I have my new card and I am back in line. Just then the lovely wife saddles up next to me and says, “Here is your card back” I asked in disbelief where in the hell did you get that from. From you honey, you handed it me. I might have as well handed her a $100 bill, no recollection of doing it or why I did it. Sigh. Crap where are my keys?

What crawled up and died

We had our NetFlix DVD for about 2 weeks because there was never time to watch but tonight was special. Joe was at a friends house and the 2 little ones were at a sleep over which just left me and the wife for self entertainment. It was 10:38pm, wife had just made a perfect bowl of popcorn. Had my coke with perfect slush ice in a frosty mug. Movie was starting and I had to make the comment to my wife, “I can’t believe Ashley hasn’t called today.” Swear to God 10 seconds later my cell phone rings. It’s Ashley and she needs a ride home. Something about she is locked out of her dorm room and her roommate wouldn’t wake up and let her in. I swear I had sent her off to College. Anyway on the ride home she start describing her dumps in the toilet being black with a smell that would peel paint off the wall. Some where while listening to this educational discussion of the gastrica workings I smell something that was dead. Cleaning up vomit had no affect on my gag reflexes but this was something of rotten dead meat. Something must have crawled up there and died. I had to finish the trip home with my head hanging out the window like a dog trying not to lose it.

I get settle back onto the couch and started the movie. 10 min into the movie I see my daughter crawling on the floor in front of the TV but she is lifting her leg for 5 sec like a male dog every 4-5 feet. I am thinking WTF then it hit me. Both me and the wife have left the house. Ashley said she had gas and that was the only way she could get rid of it. How does an evening start with no kids, coke in hand, bowl of popcorn and a DVD movie end of my daughter back home and my wife and I gasping for air outside of our house. DIDN’T I SEND HER OFF TO COLLEGE??
Sigh

I don't scratch

This is still part of the story where daughter Ashley spent 48 hours in my bed. During a brief moment of conscience she asked me to check her fever. Being the caring father that I was I obliged. Now I didn’t have my glasses on so my judging distance was off. When I touched her forehead it was more of a tap. Her reaction was that of crocs jaw come slamming down. With a scream she dug her nails deeply into my forearm before the slow and methodical rake across. This was not an unusual pain for me as I sometimes get that if the wife is not receptive that night but this seemed to be doing a lot of bleeding. Ya like 20 min worth as I kept pressure on it. That was 9 months ago and I still have the scaring of a rapist. When I tell people that all I did was touch her forehead, I get a lot of weird looks with a follow up question of “and where else” She claims she was asleep and doesn’t remember a thing but all I know is now I have 3 scars across my arm now. Didn’t she go off to college???
Sigh

No sickness here unless you count stomache flu

Every year we vote on who will not get sic and be the designated clean up vomit person. I am that person every year. Wife always has this notion that if you provide a vomit bowl that it will be used. With that in mind she places Gunnar on the couch with bowl on floor. I being the experienced vomit cleaner upper will tell you that is great in theory but you need to cover the coach and all the crevices. First blowing he managed to cover all three cushions and 6 crevices that went deep in the couch. Cleaning the tops of cushions after picking up the chunks was relatively easy. It was trying to get that that went down in the cracks in the back of the coach but hey being an expert and 2 hours later the project was done. All I need to do now was dry them out. Strategically I laid them out on and next to the luv seat.

Boy Gunnar not wanting to miss Ranger Walker parked himself later that day in the luv seat. 30 min later he blew not only all over the luv seat but on each vaulting of liquid hit all the cushions that I had just cleaned plus arm rests plus carpet. I had a thought on how to get rid of the massive chunks but it would have involved 2 hungry dogs. Next time, next time.

Same old same old, Molly goes to my bed, sits up and does her number all over blankets, Joe does a number on his sleeping bag. Wife actually used the toilet. College girl misses and covers toilet in green something and sets up camped out for 48hrs in my bed. I have asked this before but DIDN’T SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE????
Sigh

Who's calling please???

Really need some sleep, going to bed at 1:30am. Ringgggg Ringggg 2:28am daughter calling in to report that phone was dropped in toilet. Ringggg, Ringggggg 2:35am wants to know if she can trade out her phone with wife’s? NO Ring ring ring, 2:45am will they replace her phone with same model? WTF? are you for real its 2:45AM in the morning. DIDN’T SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE???
Sigh

Why are you here?

Midnight no sleep night before, must have sleep. Knock knock, ring ring ring doorbell 1:30am. Daughter at the door, needs a good night sleep so came home but too tired to use her key.
DIDNT SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE????
Sigh

Run away cart

I am pulling into Target and luck be with me I have a premo spot at the front of the store but as I am pulling in I notice that there is a cart in the front of the stall. If I pull all the way in, I should be okay. Plan is to pull in until I barely tap the cart. All is going well as I barely tap it. But then I notice that the carts front end is now slow swing out. Surely there is not enough slope for that thing to start rolling down hill. Oh there is slope and it is starting to pick up speed. Like in a horror film where the victim realizes he must get out of the car fast or be eaten, I throw it into park and frantically fumble with the seat belt that seems to be stuck. Cart is now 4 stalls away from broad siding some Cadillac. Finally I am out and racing wait no hobbling because of the slightly sprained ankle. Fighting through the pain I over take the cart stopping it short 5' from impact. I sort of expected a cheer or clapping from the spectators but most likely they were thinking WTF why was that old fat man in a polo fleece jacket racing across the parking lot for.
Sigh

Game of Chinese fire drill.

My wife and I am sure all wives have their red button. With mine it’s calling her by her mothers name and a helpful critique comment. If pushed, my life is hell for the next few hours. So normally she will not drive the car with me in it since some where down the line I will push the button with helpful comments like “brake, we’re going to die” Today she was driving because the van was in the shop and the backup was a clutch. I can’t drive a clutch due to my sprained ankle. We get to the 4 way stop and I am carefully monitoring who should go next, 3 cars then us. Apparently my wife thought no, screw those red necks in the pickup trucks, I am going. I pushed the button with “your not next” She slammed on the brakes and threw in the emergency brake. Her comment was “I am not driving” I thought well this can’t be good especially with 20 cars behind us, 5 o’clock traffic. She proceeds to get out of the car and comes around to my side. The thought of an angry 5'o clock traffic mob motivated me to get out with my sprained ankle. With the athleticism of a running back that has just pulled his Achilles tendon in full stride, I hop around the front of the car propping myself on the hood as I go. I throw myself butt first into the driver's seat but like normal my wife has left the seat 6" from the steering wheel. I am knocked back out onto my sprained ankle. I collapsed like sack of potatoes. From the ground I move the seat back and pull myself in. As I am driving off I was amazed that nobody honked at me but then again they were probably wondering if there was a part II to the show.
Sigh

Ya right Dad, it is gross

Son announces to me that his stool is plugged. Ya I will get to it later. Besides it was evening and I was tired so off to bed I went. Next morning son reports that Ashley had come home and even though he told her it was plugged, she did her business. So my scenario the next morning is plunging brown chunky soup with my faces inches from this delicacy. Several dry heaves later I am done. I ask her WTF and I thought you went off to college. Her comment “Ya it was pretty gross wasn’t it?” Sigh

What goes around comes around

I guess the old saying of what goes around comes around is true. When the kids were growing up, I would play absent minded driver. There was this stretch of road that ended with a hair pin 15mph curve. I would pretend to be distracted with the large beautiful houses on the right and not seeing the curve. The trick was to not start braking until I would hear the screams from the kids and sometimes the wife that we were going to die. Kids loved this for years. Well last week son Joe, 16, was driving that same stretch of road and hey if Dad can do it why can’t I. I was clueless to his thoughts until I noticed no braking action going on. I shot a quick glance at him only to see a smile on his face. This only increased the fear factor as I realized what trick he thought he was going to play out. Scenario is my son of 16 has 28 min of driving experience, 0 min of stunt experience, balled tires and no concept of his speed. Yes I was convinced this was not good. He over shot the turn but the anti lock brakes kicked in as the van floated to the outside of the turn. When I looked over at his face, he was white as a ghost. Must say I was really impressed with Anti-Lock Brake System. Sigh

It is not lunch but breakfast

I had made an especially good batch of beef stroganoff with steak sauteed onions and mushrooms in a red wine gravy. The left overs were going to make a great lunch, looking forward to it. When I get up in the morning a see my lunch with a fork in an empty tupperware container. I ask the wife WTF? Oh Ashley spent the night and was hungry. I don’t get it. I thought she was off to college. I see/feel her more now than when she was in High School. I really am beginning to believe those that say they change door locks when kids leave the house are serious.
Sigh

Gum and Dryer do not mix

I took pride in keeping our mega washer and dryer in tip top shape. Not sure what the thought process was but somebody threw in a wad of gum into the dryer and cranked it on high. You would think it would just be a blob, wrong. It flung and smeared the whole inside cavity of the drum. Took 90 min of scrubbing with barely legal chemicals to remove. Wife’s comment, “I thought that would be a good project for you” No, a good project would be soaking in my jacuzzi and downing a case of beer. Sigh

1 for the money 2 to get ready & 3 for the SHOW

One more reason the room should be dark for those intimate moments. Our house is setup with our bedroom and dining room connecting to the deck. One morning wife and I were having one of those moments and yes the door was locked. Apparently the shades were opened enough on the deck that the 2 dogs could see. The two were looking in but big deal, they are dogs. Wait or is that 3 dogs I see. No its 2 dogs and Gunnar. Apparently Gunnar was in the dinning room and was curious why the dogs were looking into our bed room so he joined in on the viewing. Afterwards as mom was explaining the show to Gunnar, I pretty much left when the explanation turned to trying to explain why daddy was sleeping on top of mom. And no, amazingly he never spoke of the incident again. A doctor in the family told us it’s the bodies safety mechanism to block out pyscholgical trauma. Sigh

Ashley's Luv for her roommates

I will say that daughter Ashley does entertain with her phone calls. One call that I got was garbled, something about pot, smoke and the police came. Due to the luv she has for her roommates she informed her dorm RA that there was a strange smell coming from her room. Ya like pot, call the cops. By the time cops showed up exhaust fans and steamy shower had removed the smell from the room.
Sigh

Jacuzzi, beer & a happy wife

I had been to the doctor earlier in the day with a twisted ankle. I was thinking how good it was going to feel in the next 2 hours when I was going to soak in the jacuzzi and down a case of beer. As I turned on the sink in the kitchen all I got was cold maybe room temp water. “Ashley”, damn she lives in the dorms, where did she come from? I didn’t hear the shower running. I quickly call her on her cell. “Ya dad I took a shower at your house but the water pressure was low so the shower took longer”. Ya longer until the 50gal water tank was empty. No jacuzzi, no beer, and no loose wife that night. Again I thought I had sent her off to college.
Sigh

Open the car door please

This is why I fear auto shutting car doors. Everyone was piling in but a apparently Molly decided that she was not going to let Gunnar get in on her side to cross over. So while they are having an intelligent debate on his request, unbeknownst to Gunnar Granny had started the automatic door closer. So there he is standing outside of the Van with his hand shut in the door. I don’t think he contemplated the situation fully until mom heard his faint pleas of “my hand”. Pandemonium broke out as everyone was screaming for Grandma to open the door. Grandma not understanding the random screams only froze in the act. I think at this point Gunnar realized this might not turn out good with his hand disappearing in the shut door. Finally someone got the door open. Fortunately he only wore crease marks on his hand, nothing broke. His comment was only “WHAT TOOK SO LONG!!” If this had happened to his sister Molly, we would been in ER. Sigh.

Your hair seems fuller to night

Typical 14 hour day for me at work. I took a nice hot shower and knowing that the wife had just put on clean flannel sheets decided no PJs tonigh, that’s right the buff. As I slid into bed I noticed too that the wife had taken a shower, the mood was set. Just needed to finish a thought and zzzzzz. After a brief 5 hour resting of the eyes, I started to hold my wife. Wow the hair seemed fuller and longer and darker and F____! Its my daughter. So the story goes that she had been partying and got confused so when my wife left she took her spot in bed. Lesson learned, never assume the women in your bed is the women you started off with, sigh.

Flag Football, the Safe Sport

The 6 year old is now into Flag football, a new concept from the backyard tackle with 11 and 15year olds. It was the first game and he was pumped up. He had been coached to crash through the line and get the person with the ball. Quarterback takes the hike, Gunnar is off. Knocking several kids to the ground he is through the line. I am screaming “Gunnar get him”. QB hands off to a girl RB. Now I scream “Gunnar get her.” He hits her a drops her like a sack of potatoes. Crowd starts muttering who was that kid? Now realizing this wasn’t tackle but a friendly game of touch flag football my chants of “Get her” turn to “ya who was that kid?” The crying girl is lead off the field holding her arm while Gunnar is getting a talk from the umpire, “Ya who was that kid.”
Sigh

Cliford Notes Please

Now I didn’t think this to be unusual but others thought I had lost touch with reality. Daughter was having trouble with a College Math class so being on Campus already, I started going to the lecturers and taking notes for her. It’s not like am chauffeuring her around from class to class like her mom, geeez.

Dorm Room Service Please

I thought my biggest challenge was getting my HighSchool daughter out of my bed, I was wrong. Now that she is in college and living the dorm life she has developed new expectations, “DORM SERVICE” please.

I am heading out for racketball at 10:15pm when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call. Tuna sandwich, lite on mayo, lettuce, cheese and black cracked pepper, bag of chips and a chilled diet coke and could you get that here by 10:30pm. Wife tells me, “Do it.” Sigh

Crawling into bed at 12:10am comfy and all when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, daughter had to park out in the bad lands parking lot and needs an escort, “Do it.”, she says.

8:10pm just got home and am enjoying my warmed over dinner when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, bring pink shirt for sorority by 8:30, big function, wife says, “Do it”.

Just settled in with a Chuck Norris show at 11:15pm when “Dorm Service”, laptop is having network problems and paper is due tomorrow. Ya, ya, I know “Do it.” And to think she could have gone to another school far away from my house but at least she is not in my bed.

No More Pitching from the Knees

I now know why they won’t let people over 40 adopt babies. Kids are too hard on our bodies. I am 45 and will be 60 when the last ones out. With 4 kids and their chaos some how I forget about events that are potential injury. Gunnar was wanting to practice baseball before baseball tryouts. Did the usually and lug down to the field the net, bucket of balls, bat bag, 20lb hitting tee and started practice. After successful completing the hitting drills, Gunnar was excited to have live hitting, pitches from the old man. Soon he was disappointed as it is hard for a 6' person to pitch down to a 6yr old, too much arch. Remembering from my younger days as a coach, we would pitch from our knees. Make sense, you are now right at their level. I backed away 30' feet away from the plate and start pitching. One after another he smacked fly balls into the out field. I was really impressed with his swing, the pivot of his hips and the power he was putting on it. When the ball is sailing high in the air one doesn’t realize how fast it is really traveling, soon for me to find out. Next pitch I instructed for him to have a more level swing when meeting the ball. He obliges on the next swing with a line drive up the middle. My cat like reflexes are replaced with a rigamortis response. Lucky for me the ball missed my head but slowed down on my ankle then between the legs. I have been hit down there so many times I was only laid out for 20 seconds. All I could hear as I slumped over was Gunnar cheering with excitement as if he had won a carnival ride, he was beaming with pride. Practice was over but I was thinking, next time I will get Joe to pitch on his knees, he is young and he never reads the blog.

Four in a Bed, no Problem

Other than almost dying from Ashley’s driving we make it to Iowa for the reunion. Wife was not going so that left Molly with the aunt and Joe, Ashley and Gunnar in one room with me. Turns out instead of 2 queens there was a pullout and one King. Everyone voted themselves to the King. Confident that my alpha male qualities would be enough to direct people to their proper beds when the time came, I didn’t give it much thought. By 9:00pm it was apparent I was in trouble. Gunnar had already crashed out in the middle of the King and Ashley was lying on the edge. Joe was just coming out of the shower, the air was tense, I could sense that people were going to realize hey there isn’t enough room for all of us in the King. I decided not to go to the bathroom and make my move instead. With the athleticism of a linebacker making a dive on the QB, I cleared Gunnar and most of Ashley, clothes on and all. Then all hell broke loose, like a mad scramble for a loose football. With me in a dominate center of the bed position Joe and Ashley quickly claimed the outer edges of the bed. Pleases, threats and logical arguments had no affect, they were there for the night. For this arrangement to work I had to sleep/lay on my side with clothes on along with my full bladder. Ashley about 20min into the ordeal launched a barrage of nasty farts not to be unchallenged with my own volley. Nobody left and now we all suffered the stench of sweat and farts. Somehow I feel asleep, I think, but at 2:10am had a strong urge for the bathroom. With everyone asleep I should be out and back undetected. I carefully slid myself up and down off the bed undetected. As I was trying to figure out how I could sleep in my 18" gap of a bed there was a sound of a shift. Bodies that were once ridged and straight retracted into a fetal position. My space disappeared, gone. I was driven off to the in-laws bed, the pullout for the rest of the night. Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Studying Late Techniques

It was a long weekend and Ashley need a “little” help on math. That meant, “I didn’t understand the Russian Guy and there is 50 problems due tomorrow.” The plan was that I would work them out and she could reference my work as she did the problems. I must have gotten to ingrossed to notice that she had slipped away and had fallen asleep. Well it was late for a freshman, 3:00am. This aint highschool anymore, Freshman, Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Needs Ride

Ashley is now in College as a Freshman. A time where they can focus on there independence from there parents. I know this as I am reminded all the time from my daughter on how she is so done with us and she is on her own, well when its convenient. My wife was picking me up to take me up from work at the university to a 9:30 doc appt. When she picks me up she said she has to pick up our beloved Ashely. I say for what. Wife reports that Ashley called her for ride from one building to the next. By walking a 6 min walk, by car with crosswalk traffic, 15-20min. Oh and she instructed my wife to by back at 10:30 because she needed a ride to another class. Sigh, Freshman.

But It Is Not A Double Line

Joey, Ashley and myself were on our way to Iowa. Some how I found my self on the back road, Highway 2 heading East with my daughter driving. This is a hilly area, steep short hills, very hard to pass on. About 30 min into this near death experience we come across someone doing the speed limit but being a teenager driver this was unacceptable and they must be passed. As I noticed she was casually moving over into the passing lane at the bottom of the hill, we were passing the “No Passing” sigh. I scream at her to get back over, she yells back “why?” I scream with the intensity of we are going to die scream “Get Back Over” As we pull back over I count 3 seconds before I see a white pickup truck cresting the hill coming our way. I am guessing that had we continued our course of death she would have been maybe half a car length ahead in her pass when we would have confront the other truck 300 feet in front of us or with combined speeds, 2 seconds before impact. None of my analysis sunk in, she was more focused that the solid yellow line was not double and why couldn’t she have passed. Sigh

Oh Please Let Me Be Drunk, Dad

So I was coming home from a friendly drink at the local pub when the sirens lit up behind the soccer van I was driving. I had only had 2 beers and that was over and hour ago and being a big guy of 250lbs I would have had more of a buzz from a swig of mouth wash than I had right at the moment.
“Sir, have you been drinking?” Why yes, 2 to be exact. “I am only asking as I noticed the strong alcohol as I approached the car.” I am thinking to myself, does this Copper have a nose of a Canine or what? “Sir please step out of the vehicle, the reason I pulled you over was for a headlight out.” Common theme for me, headlights out and cops. As he directs me toward the front of the car I can tell he is watching my natural athletic posture as I walk. Next thing I hear is “Mike I am going to need backup, I have a big one here” I am thinking please don’t have this end up with me in a fetal position on the ground with a tazer wire sticking out of me. He gives me the basic touch your nose and watch your eyes as he moves the pen, this is the pre sobriety test. Keep in mind there are flood lights in the parking lot in front blinding me and I have not had sleep in 3 weeks. “Sir I am going to fail you on your pre-tests. You hare having trouble touching your nose, your eyes are bouncing, you have slurred speech and strong alcohol on your breath.” I tell him that I feel just fine. He explains that you could drink 1 oz of beer and have a .0005% but fail the test making you impaired under the influence. He said most likely he was going to have to take me in for being under the influence of alcohol but wanted to wrap it up with the breath analyzer. As he was giving it to me, I started thinking that it really doesn’t matter what your blood level is but whether you can past the test and if I had already failed the test then my excuse better be alcohol and not just you are inherently to impaired to drive, ever! Test come back, he has a puzzled look and said, “you are at .01, have a good night sir.” Ten seconds later, he and his backup are gone leaving me standing there thanking my lucky stars that I had an excuse for failing, alcohol.
Lesson learned, make sure car lights lights work if you are going out drinking. Sigh.

Gunnar 6 yr update

Not much of a story but does illustrate the 6yr old has no fear. Worlds of Fun has a sling were they hoist you up 200 feet into the air and let you drop/swing. I would rather be administered a double dose of rabe shots before that adventure but he loves it.

Just finished the county fair tractor pedal competition coming in 1st. It came down to him and a big farm girl but he was going to do it because he wanted the trophy. We are off to state competition later this Fall.

I also got him a 90cc but after the clutch issue with Joe decided we wouldn't try it until he finished 1st grade.

Joe's new 125cc MotorCycle

This was Joe's first motorcycle for him, a 125cc 5 speed manual. Joe had ridden his 6yr old brothers 50cc which is an automatic and did quit well. In his mind he was one 125cc away from having the skill set of a professional rider. I got him aimed down out of the driveway and after about 200 kick starts, didn't know where the choke was, we were idling. Not sure where 1 st gear was, I was going to have to run back in the house and look at the manual. As I left I said, "Joe keep it idling but do NOT try to shift this thing until I get back." I run into the house for a mere 30 sec for the shifting info but when I get back there is no Joe and there is no motorcycle. Not seeing him down the street I scan to my right and see a trail across our yard through our neighbors and a tire skid mark across their driveway followed by a blue skid mark across the driveway. Joe is coming back with a bloody arm. I asked him WTF were you thinking? He said as soon as I closed the door gong into the house he realigned himself for our neighbors house, dropped into first gear, gunned it like they do on TV and let go/popped of the clutch. Could have been worse, he could not have wiped out and gone through our neighbors garage door for $1,200. With this show of good judgement he reminded me that mom had just put him on the insurance so he can start driving the '87 manual honda accord. He assured me that a car’s clutch will be much easier to drive and there will be no further need to drive across our neighbors yard.
Sigh

Thinning Down the Gene Pool

Its fourth of July and the family is off to see the fireworks at Leawood. Being that we wanted to avoid the heavy traffic, we decide to park about a mi away at a office building complex. The parking was nice with grassy knolls between parking areas. We spread our blankets on one of these patches of grass. Good to go, fireworks started but some of the trees ahead were blocking our view. We decided to move up closer to the trees so we could see the show. Kids race forward as I gathered some of our things. When I started walking forward, I saw to my horror Joe and his cousin had moved forward alright, they had moved onto a 4 lane curb less road. They were laying out on the blankets with their heads on the pillows all comfy and not. I screamed “JOE, get out of the road” He turned back to look at me with a puzzled look on his face. He quickly looked to his right as his plight started sinking in. He quickly spun to his left only to see the SUV coming in at 40mph. At this point I might have as well screamed “the Rapters are coming.” In frantic terrorized manner, he scooped up blankets and chairs as he barreled rolled off the road. I asked him WTF were you doing? He could only say “we almost got hit.”
Sigh

Diving Team Tryouts

Leave it to the older sister Molly 9 to convince Gunnar 6 that he couldn't dive off the "High" diving board at the city pool. Next thing the sitter notices is a small crowd gathering around the other end of the pool next to the diving boards. To her horror there was little Gunnar at the end of the High board slowly putting his hands over his head. He doesn’t know how to dive but is just mimicking what he had seen others do. Sitter is screaming,"No Don't do it Gunnar!" But Gunner is too much in diving concentration to hear their pleas. Body falls forward in an outstretched, perfect belly flop formation. Life guard came running over to see him stunned, face down in the water, slowly moving his arms in attempt to swim. His only words were "that hurt". sigh

Punch ...8,9,10 he is out, or not?

I was in the kitchen and I am not clear what sparked this other than sounds like fun. My son Gunnar who is 6 at 70 pounds and an avid wrestler was laying on the couching reading a book. My 9 yr old daughter Molly weighing in at 54 pounds decided to do something dumb but fun. I look over and I see her standing on the top of the arm rest at the other end of the couch were Gunnar was quietly reading. As I was trying to figure WTF, I see her launch her self in a sprawled eagle style toward Gunnar, sort of like they do off the top ropes in WWF. I here a thud as she lands on top of him. With the back of the couch to me blocking my view, all I can see next is her arm and fist rising and falling over and over above the back of the couch. I think Gunnar was so engrossed in the book that the first 2 or 3 punches he would have ignored but no, she did a rapid 5 punches which was enough to trigger his "Hulk" mode. She springs off of him and is making a mad dash toward me. Gunnar comes up with fire in eyes while grabbing the Calamine spray can. Sssssss as closes in on her, he leaves a trail of lotion on the couch. Molly hugs my leg for dear life like that is going to stop his head lock he now has her in. I finally get him in a full nelson and get him quieted down. Later on I ask Molly, WTF, you know he can hurt you bad, "I know daddy but it was fun", sigh.

6yr olds Grand Slam

So I had been spending a lot of time at practices and games with my older boy and the 9yrold daughter with baseball and softball. The little boy had been bugging me to take him out to play catch with him at the ball fields. Off we went, after about 20 minutes of catch and dusk starting to settle in he said, "Daddy I want you to pitch overhand like the big boys do." Reluctant but thinking hey I'll just put a helmet on him and he should be okay we proceed on.. We setup for the first pitch. He looked so cute with his helmet on clutching his bat like old Barry Bond. I was standing about 30 feet away as I unleashed my famous fast ball. The swing was of perfect form followed by a ting. I was then thinking with such a perfect swing where did the ball go when I was met with a burning pain on the side of my head as I collapsed to the ground. As I got my eyes focusing more, I look up to see my boy standing over me with bat in hand saying, "See daddy, I told you I could hit the ball real far." As I recanted my near death experience with my family the older boy Joe, 16 said, "Ya when I pitch to him he hits them to the fence."
Sigh

Who needs a barber?

Most kids do this when they are four but not Joe. He waited until he was sixteen. Mom insisted to Joe that he needed a nice haircut and her being the mom the discussion was done. Joe set out to prove that he could make a statement. Apparently he spent two hours working on his head. When mom got home, all she could do was gasp and start whimpering. Joe had shaved his head. Well what he could reach. He looked a like a mangy dog or someone going through chemotherapy as clumps of hair still remained. It will be will documented as the family reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks.
Sigh

Don't hurt me daddy

It was after baseball practice and Joe had been bugging me to let him drive home. I had said no but before I knew it he was in the drivers seat shutting the door. Before I could get the door handle release he gets the door locked. With lightening fast reflexes I reach in the open window and unlock it but he was quick too and relocked it. I reached in again but my fingers seemed like they just couldn't reach it this time. I was thinking of the physics of this dilemma when I felt a terrible pain on my arm that was reached in. In horror I realized he had shut the power windows on my arm. Apparently my face of panic/rage scared him off as he was now cowering safely on the other side of the car. I screamed something about ripping off his nuts if he didn't release the window. Threats of violence worked and he release my now black and blue arm. Coach came running over and said, "don't hurt his pitching hand". As we drove home I asked him what the hell was he thinking of. All I got was I got scared daddy.
Sigh

Dad’s Dream at Baseball

It was Winter time and me and my boy had been practicing through Winter to get ready for Spring baseball tryouts for the HS. I had spent many of cold days out on the field pitching balls and working on hitting. Today’s practice was different, it was warm, birds were chirping and the big try out was the next day. Our father son practice was over when my son had an idea. He would pitch one to me so I could have the glory of cracking one with the old wooden bat. As he was getting set on the mound I was visioning my perfect swing sending the ball deep to center field. The pitch came, perfect, right down the middle. Using perfect technique I gave the ball a crack, it was going to be a home run. As I gazed out into center field looking for my ball, I hear a thud and in horror see my son stretched out on the ground grabbing his knee. As I helped him hobble to the car, I kept assuring him it was nothing but couldn’t help notice the bloody marks left by the stitches on the inside of the knee.

Luck be with him it didn’t affect his tryout and he made the team. I have sworn off taking batting practice from my kids.

Pukaroma I, II,III,& IV

March 27, 1999 Pukaroma Weekend, the Nightmare Begins.
Cast:
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Mom
Dad
Ashley 11
Joey 8
Molly 1.5

9:00pm Family was finishing up eating Daddy's world famous homemade pizza and yes
some say it's better than our beloved Tim McCune's.

10:00pm All is quite, all are asleep.
1:08am I was brought out of my sleep to hear coughing, gulping and a little crying from
hour 18mos old. I dashed into her room to gladly see she was just doing dry heaves. With not a moment to spare I snatched her out of bed with only 9 large steps to the bathroom. But as I
turned around I met mom who was concerned and wanted me to stop so she could assess the
situation, being a nurse and all. My screams of “get out of my way woman she's gonna blow” were ignored by my wife.
The 3 second delay was long enough for the projectile vomit stream to strike me in the side of the face and part of the bed. In a futile attempt to get to the bathroom I left a trail of regurgitated pepperoni pizza.

1:10am As wife gives Molly a bath and starts the one of many loads of laundry, I am going
down stairs to bring up Mr. Bissle to start cleaning up the trail of puke. I was about halfway
done dreaming of going back to bed when I heard out of Ashley's room one large cough then 2
seconds of rushing liquids roaring out of her mouth.

1:25am Her room was a site to see. She had turned and caught the edge of the bed where
it sprayed over the other half of the room. Now here would be a good argument to keep your
stuff picked up in ones room because now all her stuff including clothes had chucks and liquid
pizza clinging to them.

1:30am Mom hauls her to the bathroom where she remained curled in a fetal position next to the porcelain throne. Another load of laundry to be done

1:48am Mr. Bissle has taken care of Trail of Puke and we are now heading into Ashley's
room to deal with the regurgitated pizza spackled floor. I discovered that pepperoni takes a long
time to digest as I had to hand pick those pieces up.

2:08am I am emptying Mr. Bissle when I hear Joe yell I don't
feel well. I asked him if he felt like throwing up and he answered with a rush of vomit. Mom
cleaned him up and sent him to the other bathroom to curl up in the fetal position, this is going to
be a popular position tonight. Another load of laundry to do.

2:59am Done with Ashley's room and halfway done with Joe's carpet when I hear my wife
screaming she can't make it. As I was about ask what did she mean by I can't make it I hear
hacking and coughing with her head pointed at the one spot of carpet untouched by vomit. I
grabbed her and drug her to the toilet where buckets came streaming out.

4:20am 5 loads of laundry are done, beds made, kids and mom curled at the porcelain alter
for the night, my work is done, time to sleep now.

April 8, 2000 Pukaroma Weekend II

These are true stories and as much as I would like to say they are embellished they are not. In
fact I probably have blocked out some of the horrid details. You ask what is the purpose of these
writings? Answer, planned parent hood. If you have a young couple and they are thinking they
are ready for kids then give them the Pukaroma Weekend stories and see if they are ready, I'm
betting not since I'm 40 now and I get weak thinking about the future stories I have yet to write.

A 4 mos boy was added to the all star cast.
Gunnar
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty

Day 1
10:30pm: I had just changed a major dry heave diaper on Gunnar and lucky for me the
diaper had contained the soupage so other than the pungent stomach ripping smell all had gone
well. I was calling it a night. As I was walking back to my bed of comfort I passed Ashley's
room only to hear major dinosaur calls, not a good thing. I ran in hoping she was only in the dry
heave stages but no. There was a 1 foot diameter pool of regurgitated chunked soup on her
comforter. Apparently my turning on the light was a big mistake because when she saw what
was in her bed she freaked. There might as well have been a bed full of spiders as she flung the
comforter with the self contained vomit off the bed. Now chunks and puke came raining down in
the room like a Wizard's blizzard in Warcraft II. Puke had now claimed the walls, desk, blanket,
sheets, bed comforter, and 20sq feet of carpet. After hosing off the comforter on the back porch
(my dogs will love this reheated treat) 2 loads of laundry and 30 min with the Bissle Clean
Machine (can't live without one) I was making Ashley's bed.

11:38pm As a precaution I put towels down on the floor and a large overflow bowl for
future episodes. I was gleefully skipping back to my room after tucking her in when I seemed to
notice gut wrenching odor. It was Molly and she was working on a blowout from the bottom
end. Just as I was going to assess the leakage factor I heard back in the other room more praying to the porcelain alter. As I walked back to Ashley's room I wasn't too worried since she had that bowl but no it was It was all over her blankets. Apparently she was too tired to lean over and hit the bowl.

12:08am Bad news Molly's soupy diaper had penetrated through, blown up the back and
was now soaking into the bedding. I wrapped her up in a towel and gingerly carried her to
the bathtub hoping not to drip any soupage on the carpet. By now the combination of puke and
diarrhea stench was not helping with my digestion of the pizza I had eaten earlier.

1:10am Molly was now bathed and dressed, and in bed asleep. Time to hit the hay. As I
was heading to our bathroom I heard little Gunnar coughing or was that puking? Another reason
not to have extra bedding and cute stuff toys in the crib. Sure enough yellow puke all over
bedding and stuffed animals. As I picked him up he let me know he still loved me with a little
yellow projectile vomiting on me. But luck was with me since my large body had enough surface
area that the puke never reached the carpet. I wiped the puke off of me (his first puke ever),
changed his outfit, washed his bedding and took that well deserved shower.

2:15am Climbed into bed. Wife coming out of her oblivious comma sleep nudges me
saying she had had a rough day and could I keep the racket down, oh and could I get her some
juice. If only I could sleep so well.

2:20am Before my senses take in any more I passed out.

Day 2 Relatively speaking a better day

11:30pm The wife and I had just settled down into the Jacuzzi. As I was twisting off the
cap to my wine cooler I heard a startling pound on the bathroom door followed by "I threw up".
Sigh, wife said enjoy the moment here check on his undocumented claim later but it was hard to
relax knowing there was puke claiming more and more territories as I waited.

12:05am Hauled out my friend Mr. Bissle and headed for Joe's room. The good news was
he leaned over the bed and missed all of the bedding. The bad news was 2 of his dresser drawers
were pullout and thus were visited by Mr. Puke. But that was easy to cleanup as I pulled them
out into a heap for my lovely wife to have for the next morning. Mr. Bissle groaned from the
excessive use and split out a connecting hose spewing water all over the walls. No problem used
a towel on the floor to catch the drippage and grabbed the leaking hose with my hand and hurried on to get the job done.

1:12am Fell into bed, closed eyes but now I hear Gunnar crying, something about a tummy
ache. Brought Gunnar to wife, wife says he's ready to go back. Five min later Gunnar is ready
to visit mom again, and so on and so on.
2:30am Passed out.

6:15am Tap on shoulder its Molly she's hungry now.



February 27, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday III

It truly makes you wonder how parents make it raising kids. No choice of our own an average night our sleep is 5hrs with one to two awakenings. These are all true stories. Molly is 3.5yrs and Gunnar is 14mos.

11:45pm I get the giddy idea that we should go to bed early, so we do, skipping
extracurricular activities and going straight for sleep.

12:19am Gunnar does his stretching shrieking cry. So wife puts him in OUR bed with
bottle. Not a good move in hind sight.

12:30am Gunnar flings empty bottle on to dad's unprotected face, a ritual to let dad know
that he his done and will be settling down for the night in dads ever shrinking bed real estate.

12:45am Whimper noises coming from son, dad ignores figuring its another ploy to push
dad close to edge of bed.

12:50am Gunnar places hands on dads chest to better prop himself up in bed in an effort to
get his head in a more dominating position.

12:51am Gunnar now speaks but instead it's a rumbling cough followed by the ever so
missed projectile vomit. Sigh

1:15am Gunnar is washed down, dad is washed down, new set of bed sheets and
thankfulness that nothing landed on the carpet.

1:18am Gunnar back in bed, dad reclaims bed real estate.

1:30am Molly comes busting in the room running over to mom's side. A little unusual
aggressive behavior for 1:30am but mom brushes off suspicious behavior saying Molly just misses her mommy.

1:31am Molly cuddles next to mom and mumbles something. As mom is guessing what
word Molly is saying mom stumbles on the phrase "throw up". During the process of confirming
this, I am left with the dilemma of do I grab her and fling her into the bathroom 14' away with the gamble I don't make it and thus leaving the trail of puke on the carpet or do I let mom take the brunt of her dinosaur calls. Choice was easy let mom take the hit, since the decision making is in my head but God for bid if she knew I let nature takes its course on her.

1:55am Mom has taken her shower, molly washed up towels laid on bed, we ran out of
bed sheets by now, and everyone dozing off. As I am sinking into my cherished 4.5 hours of
sleep, mom sighs and mutters something about I am surprised the other 2 kids haven't been
singing their song.

6:30am As luck would have it sleep was on our side for now but the weekend is still not
far away.

November 21, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday IV

The day before I had gotten a request for the stories and I had thought to myself glad I am just
sending these stories and not writing them.

6:38 pm Settling in watching my son at basketball at practice, wife is at work and Ashley is
watching the 4 year old and 2 year old at home.

6:40pm Phone rings, Ashley is screaming and crying that Matthew is Puking everywhere and she was leaving in 10 min so I better get home. On the drive home I was trying to remember after cleaning out the basement where I had put Mr. Bissel after the last episode.

6:51pm Came in through the door only to be hit by a heavy acidic blast of odor. From my vast
experience in this type of situation I was able to contain my dry heave urges. The kids seemed
to be settled down and from what I could reconstruct this is what happened. Gunnar started
gurgling which brought Ashley over to check things out. Then he projected out a heavy
green/yellow thick fluid at her which of course landed on the carpet. Ashley turned and ran in terror cowering on the couch as if a mouse was about on the floor. Gunnar scared wanted comfort so he climbed on the couch seeking the comfort he needed from Ashley. Then another belch and mor yellow chunky substance splattered the couch. Ashley jumped off and went racing to her room with Gunnar dripping puke following in her steps.

6:55pm I picked up Gunnar placed him in the bath tub, stripped him down and gave him a
sponge bath, in hind site I should have waited another 5 min.

7:15pm I brought in Mr. Bissle from the garage. By the time I got back Gunnar was crying. I
picked him up expecting more of a mess in the crib but found none. Then I noticed my hands
were starting to feel damp. I started to unzip him but was only half way down before I realized
the dampness was a blow out which went all the way up the back to the neck. Never new mixing
a blowout with puke could be so hard on the lungs.

7:25pm Placed him back in the tub for a complete bath.

7:40pm He is dressed and happy so I better get back to the mess before it sits in.

7:45pm I screw the hose from Mr. Bissle on to the sink only to notice the washer is cracker, shouldn't make a difference.

7:50pm I turn on water for a pre test. Cracked wash does make a difference. Fortunately the
window by the sink took most of the water and rest on the floor, was going to mop later that
night anyway. Dug around a found a non cracked washer now I am good to go.

7:55pm Gunnar is crying again. Apparently he went into his sister room and from what I can
figure started twirling around as he blew because it is everywhere, beds clothes, carped and toys.

8:05pm He is redressed and is in his crib just incase he has more ideas.

8:10pm Mr. Bissle fires up with that every so familiar roar. Starting with the first area hit with puke, I squeeze the trigger for the blast of hot water. Water starts squirting out from the handle dousing me in a bath of water. I cover the leak the best i can I continue on. Ashley being the observant teenager she is points out that I am getting water spots on the carpet.

8:15pm Too much leakage so I decide that I can simple glue the leak with so often used Super
Glue. Gunner pukes again but I just lift him up and change the towel under neath him. Gunnar
doses back off or in my case recharges the digestive system.

8:20pm I carefully align tip of glue bottle of leak on plastic handle and squeeze. No glue so I
squeeze a little harder and a little harder. Then crack the bottle cracks open and glue goes all
over my hands. I have about these stories but they are usually in dumb movies or Red Neck
jokes. Carefully I wash off hands with soap and water, fortunately no story here.

8:40pm Return from store with new bottle of glue and make the necessary repairs. Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

9:00pm Glue is drive and we are back in business. Fire up Mr Bissle only to realize that by
fixing that pressure release point that another one was formed around a rubber connector. No
fixing this so drenched I work my way from one puke zone to puke zones. Oh, and Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

10:00pm Everything is cleaned, I take a shower, kids in bed, all towels and bed sheets are now in a heap in front of the washing machine, time to relax.

10:01pm Mom comes in after work only to ask what have I been doing the house is a wreck.

November 22

Ashley, Joe, Molly, Mother come down with all flue symptoms. Dad goes to work on
Thanksgiving day only to be inundated with phone calls to come home and take care of them.
Calls are ignored and Dad escapes the flu epidemic. On the up note my 4year old learned to use
the stool during the illness.

November 23 Bought a Hoover Upright Turbo Steamamatic 7000. It sits waiting for the next
episode of Pukaroma Weekend Series.

No SRS Please, Joes Basketball Game

December 9 2001

Not a puke story but another interesting tale from the lives of the Bollmans. Dad is at son's Basketball game.

5:00pm Basketball games was over and it was time to go home.

5:10pm Got home and started getting ready for Church activities that were starting at 6:00pm

5:45pm Ready to go, I got the kids in the car and wife says lets go. I did a quick head count and noticed Joe not here. I asked my wife were Joe was and got a blank stare. Ashley says he is not in the house and from the looks from the outside of the house his room lights are out. We drive and call to all the known places that he might be but no Joe.

6:00pm We are late to church so off we go. I am thinkin Joe is so grounded when we find him. I tell my wife I will drop her off and then come back and look for him. If I don't find him by 7:00pm then we are calling the cops.

6:08pm We are about to the church when my wife looks over to me and asks, "Did you bring Joe home from the basketball game?". Dad is so very grounded.

Daddy delivers fast food

Wife just recovered from one of those every 30 year women surgeries. Brought her home and everything would have been great accept my wife and I both got stomach flu and too weak to make it to the bathroom. Once past the projectile vomiting and accusation that I was the one that got her sick and about killed her after her surgery she was ready for some fast food.

6:00pm send me out to Wendys
6:10pm in drive through
6:11pm wife calls to ask where am I and to make sure I have sweet and sour sauce
6:15pm Order food with sweet & sour
6:16pm drive off with food
6:17pm realizes the sweet & sour is not in the bag
6:22pm back at the window and ask for 6 packs, he drops in 1, I say 6 plz, so hedrops 2 more in, I stare at him holding my hand of 6 fingers and he drops 2 more in. Close enough, damn kids cant count anymore
6:23 wife calls to say forget getting her pizza and just bring the food back for the little ones as they are now starving
6:30 Get home and dispense the food.
6:35 Been listening for 5 min from my wife on how I took to long and now she has nothing to eat. Got her sick and now I am trying to starve her to death.
6:45 Stomach flu victim number 4 my 18yr daughter comes in and says she is hungry. I said what is the point if you will spew 5min after you eat. Wife gives me the look so off I am again.
7:00 After talking up the Super Supreme Crunch I get my wife to agree to let me get that for her
7:04 Wife calls and asks if I am getting along with my daughter
7:20 Supremes in hand we head over to Burger King for the 18 year old
7:30 In line
7:31 Wife calls to ask when are we coming home, sigh
7:40 Order Chicken tenders
7:42 Bill is $2.84 so I give them $3.00 + .10 expecting a quarter + penny back. I look up trying to figure out why she isn’t giving my change back and there is 3 of them trying to figure out the math, I heard guesses from .15 to 50 cents. They gave up and gave me a quarter, probably figured they earned the penny. I guess it is a lost art of counting change back and if there is no computer who would be expected to do arithmetic manually.
7:47 Daughter exclaims these aren’t chicken Tenders, sigh
7:48 Wife calls wanting her food
7:52 back at the counter, Sorry our mistake, the tenders are only 2.18. I said make sure you figure in the tax on the refunded amount, got a funny look, like there is no way in hell we are attempting a math problem as complicated as (Total1 - Total2)*Tax
8:00 back on the Road
8:01 wife calls again, where is my damn food.
8:10 get home and dispense the food.
8:11 I spend time getting the 8yr old ready for bed
8:20 Wife comes out and all I see is the look of “I will cut body parts off of you as you sleep”. What I say. She claims I didn’t buy enough food as the kids ate her food too and she gets nothing. About that time I her the all so familiar hurls from the 18yrs daughter who ate my wife’s food just long enough to get to the bathroom. Sure glad she used my wife’s tooth brush over mine. So after about 2.5 hours of trying to get food to please I still have a wife angry enough at me that I don’t feel safe sleeping with. I will have to double dose her with perceset tonight.
Sigh