Family Update

Joe has moved out to California and is doing techie stuff Ashley married and moved out Molly is off to college and moved out with family with benefits status. Gunnar still at home in high school. With 2.5 kids moved out the insanity has died down and I am running out of material but going back to a normal life.

Head lights are for sissies

Gunnar, who is a very athletic boy, had taken it upon himself to drive us, brother and I, home from the movie theater. Gunnar, not to be one that needed assistance in life such as how to operate a vehicle, fired up the car. Besides, all 14-year-olds should already know how to operate a vehicle. I mentioned that his mom usually turns off the automatic lights and he probably needed to turn them back on. Without comment, he slams into reverse. Now the parking lot, full of expensive cars, had a lot of driving room before the exit. His brother casually suggests we should turn on the headlights. Gunnar mutters as he puts the car into drive and launches forward with acceleration. Again, his brother says we need to turn on the lights. Gunnar finally responds that he does not know where they are. The car is rapidly gaining speed as we head blindly into what is to become the ditch or a narrow exit to the parking lot. When we were 50ft of the ditch I panicked and screamed STOP. Nothing doing, Gunnar swerves right to the exit lane and turns onto the frontage road which is full of cars. At this point, it wasn’t if but how many cars are we going to hit? Finally, Gunnar realizes that "Hey the lights aren't on, and I can't see with all the oncoming cars blinding me with their headlights. Gunnar somehow spots a parking lot on the left. So off we accelerated in the oncoming lane as the cars in our lane were going too slow. As the head-on car lights stream towards us, he quickly jukes to the left into a parking lot just as the oncoming cars pass over our previous location. I swear instead of stopping, those cars had accelerated toward us. After he stopped what could I say other than, "Amazing driving" as the stunt performed resulted in no deaths and only 4 cars honking at us." Gunnar had no response as he was staring ahead through the windshield muttering something about “Can't believe we made it.” All I can say is a good thing mom wasn't in the car as there would have been a mess to clean up and a possible ER visit. Sigh

The Walmart Bag full of all it's glory

So the little one, princess, who had just finished high school was off to KU to be a doctor to make her family proud. Her mom had held her in high esteem as she was the one who stayed out of trouble in high schools, such as alcohol, sex, and drugs. Then one day, like yesterday, the little one asked her mom to find her glasses, not telling her that she had lost them on her last visit over a month ago. Mom with a stellar record on finding items could not find them. Then she shifted into high gear and started dissembling the house looking for those glasses for her little angle. Then she found it, the Walmart bag that contained items in it. Unimaginable items to be found sent mom into an emotional tailspin. The bag contained male protective gear, lots of it and a couple of used ones, the morning-after pill, and empty alcoholic bottles. Mom cried for about an hour and we are never to speak of it again, the Walmart bag.

Sir I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car

As a ritual coming home from work, I would drive on the outside of the white line of the on-ramp from Kimball to Seth child road. Something I have been doing for 5 or so years. I am always careful to watch for other cars that could be cops. Would hate to be stopped and asked wtf were you doing and why. Well, it happened after 2 beers over a 3-hour period I saw the oh-so-familiar colored lights appear. Standard question of how many beers have you had and I gave the standard answer "2". Ya right, Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car. We went straight to the sobriety test. I walked the straight line perfectly from heel to toe but he stopped me and said sir I'm going to have to ask you to repeat it but slow down. Fine did it again slow. Sir, I need you to repeat and keep your hands to your side. Fine did it again. Sir, I need you to do is slow, hands to your side, and no leaning forward, heal to tow and pause on each step. Great now I am stumbling like a wino, couldn't even do 3 steps. Great, now on to the next fail. Sir, I need you to hold your foot out. Fine, did it no problem. Sir, I need you to hold it 18" off the ground and keep your back straight not leaning over. Fine did no problem. Sir, I need you to switch to your left leg and hold your right foot off the ground. I complained and said I was right-footed and that is why I balanced on the right foot and held the left up. Great now I fell over like a drunken fool. That is when he said he was going to have to take me in for drunken driving. I told him I had only 2 beers. I asked for the breath analyzer and he said whatever but gave it to me anyway. After a big breath the number on the display started to climb .... .01 .013 .... .016 ... at that point he threw me the plastic mouthpiece and said he was giving me a warning. I was about ready to ask "A warning for what?" like I needed to take an elderly balancing class but kept my mouth zipped. Sigh

Blinded

2:30 wife and I are in a comfortable position. Noises wife whispers??.... I think not... Listen... no it was the wind. Back to performing my duties. Seconds later the door flies open light glaring behind it. I'm pretty sure it was Molly but not sure. There was a gasp and the door quickly retreated shut. Words were never said or discussed regarding the event. Assuming the daughter was shocked into blindness by the trauma. It’s a safety mechanism for when her young mind could not comprehend the visual which was a good thing. Sigh

Why 10-5 is not a good idea

My new car and Molly is begging to drive it home from the bar, why not? I have a few beers in me to calm me down. After we merged onto the highway, I hear Molly under her breath say, “we are going way fast” I shoot a glance over to her like “explain yourself” “Oh daddy this is the first time I have ever been on a freeway let alone 75mph. I knew I should have had that 3rd beer. Sometime later she was complaining about the 10-2 hand position on the steering wheel. I suggested try the 10-5 position. She moved the right hand to the 5 position but then turned the steering wheel left to recreate the 10-2 position. The car lunged to the left about taking out the car next to us. She quickly responded with “I really don’t know what I’m doing”, sigh.

New Car Negotiations Skills

The time had come in my life where I was buying my first car and yes I had to wait 30years but the day had come. Came down to a red midsize SUV, negations were going well with the salesperson. I was doing the final paperwork with the checkout person and on the last couple questions he asked if I wanted accidental stain coverage on the leather seats, I declined. Then asked for accidental free flat repair, I declined. I was thinking this is a brand new car, who needs these expensive unnecessary fees? Called car insurance agent to tell him I had a new car. He asked if I wanted full replacement on a new car for the first 6 mos. Ha, I don't have accidents, I declined. Signed the final paper and off to the car they escorted me. I was so excited as I slid onto the new leather car seats. Just as my ass hits the seat my wife let out a deafening scream. Too late, my ink stained pants touched the car seat. Apparently I put their pen in my pocket and it had exploded unbeknownst to me, trickery on their part. First think the salesperson said was not that is a shame but “Should have gotten our accidental protection policy.” Next day I was driving down a city street when the low tire pressure light came on, wft???? Pulled over to see how low a tire needs to be to trigger a light. It was rim on pavement low. Called the sales person and the first thing she said was “should have gotten our accidental tire repair warranty” As I was standing in the dark cold raining in my workout garb I was thinking of something else to say to them other than “ya maybe I should have”. Five days later in a snow storm I was rear ended taking out the back of the car. Within a week of my first brand new car, I had stained seats, flat tire and major damage to the car body. Check please, sigh

Hot Day in the Car

So we are on our way to CO for our vacation, escaping the 100 degree heat of Kansas for the cooler days of CO. By 10:00 the van was starting to heat up. Being a van it had a lot of glass where seemingly the heat was emitting from. an hour later the heat is just blasting from the glass. Fearing the AC has gone out I check the vents and yes its somewhat cool but at least not hot. The sun is so bright its generating so much heat I can feel the hot air hitting my neck almost like that of a hair dryer on low. I throw back another 2 bottles of water and sweat on for another 2 hours of whats becoming a vacation in hell. As I am now fading in and out of consciousness I remember earlier in the trip giving AC control to the rear passenger "Gunnar". Surely not, "Gunnar, the controls are on AC right?" Gunnar quickly responds with a "My bad, was on heater". I quickly reverted rear AC controls back to me and coolness was restored though my drenched shirt was offering some coolness, shower please. Sigh

Von Trapp vs the Elderly

Not sure if this one would be classified as elderly abuse or not. So the family, wife, Molly, Gunnar, and I was attending church. We sat in our normal row, row #3, right behind the elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair who has been attending in his spot since 1909. This arrangement is standard for years but not today. The pastor made his usually good mornings and welcome followed by announcing the name of the first hymn. Molly who wanted to make sure our family was ready, made a verbal announcement to our Von Trapp (Sound of Music) singing quality of a family, “Sing it LOUD and PROUD” No sooner had she made that little comment did our elderly friend started making frantic motions. His electric motor started whining up as he swung it into a hard right and gassed it hard as he shot across the aisle to the other side. The wild uncoordinated operation of his scooter was something I would see from a person after hearing, “The lions are coming, hurry and get to the other side.” In a flash, he was gone only leaving behind a trail of his bulletin sheets along his path of escape. Molly just looked at me, I said I hadn’t farted. I know it wasn’t my operatic voice or the singing reputation of our family that scared him away. Still, it is a mystery as of today what happened that early Sunday morning when the Family was about to sing. Update, he has returned but is seen nervously looking over his shoulder before church starts. My family refuses to get near him as they don't want to be responsible for his death. Sigh

Duke the Dog Pisser

Today my lab Duke was getting a bad rap. All day long the wife kept complaining that he was marking his territory and I needed to clean it up. The list was growing by the hour as the number of spots he had marked was approaching 20. By late afternoon the wife who was sitting at the dining table said, “Oh my god he did it the dining room” Exasperated by all the unsubstantiated claims I bent down to sniff, nothing. I remembered the first spot was the end of the bed. I asked the wife did by chance were your slacks at the end of the bed. Why yes they were my wife exclaimed. In the same breath she screamed in realization “Argghhhh I have been wearing dog piss pants all day long.” I almost thought aloud “Get any weird looks at the grocery store today?” But had I, I wouldn’t be here to write this.

How to earn extra cash

As in every night the goal is 7 hrs. of sleep. In bed at 9:52, alarm set for 5:00am equals 7hours of sleep, I was pumped. I had pretty much dozed off when I thought I heard banging around in my room at 10:15pm. Lights a blaring there was Ashley going through our closet. Every few seconds Ashley would stick her head out from the closet to announce all the clothes she was taking were worthless because they are out of date. I asked WTF are doing this late in your parents’ bedroom. She reported that she was low on cash and was collecting clothes to sell to the second hand shop. It’s scary to think while I’m at work what goes on at my house with her unchecked if this is what happens in the middle of the night and I am there. Sigh

Pizza for Dave but not today.

While losing weight, pizza was a rarity and highly treasured. I had just finished a 2hr Friday work out and was resting on the couch thinking about my pizza that was on the counter. It was my favorite Papa Murphy Veggie pizza. I was trying to decide whether to add parm cheese, or garlic, or spicy spice on my cherished pizza. Unbeknownst to me, Ashley had sliced off some of my pizza as I planned how I was going to season my portion. Being the daughter of consideration, Ashley only took half but that was okay as there really was too much for me to eat anyway. About then my relaxation was shattered by a horrible crash in the kitchen. Perplexed I was in my thinking as what could have cause such a commotion. Since nobody was screaming “get the car we’re going to the ER”, I delayed my onsite investigation by a min. As I arrived on the scene I let out a school girl shrill of a scream. Duke, the lab, had just grabbed the topping off my pizza followed by a gulp. Ashley laughed and commented that maybe she should have pushed the pizza back to the middle of the counter vs. leaving it hanging over the edge. Every day its events like this that remind me why we stopped at 4 kids.

Thank Goodness for Manual Transmission

We were traveling to an out of town cross country event for little miss molly. This was being done in our 1993 Honda civic “little Miss Sunshine style”. Apparently it had a dying battery coupled with an electrical issue that drained the battery so heaven forbid if you left the head lights on for 5min. As I predicted I left the lights on the convenience store. The race started in 10min and we were still a good 2mi away. What do you do? We had driven 90miles to the cross country meet for the 14sec glimpse of your runner and I was not giving up. I let the car roll backwards and got it point down the slight slope in the convenience store parking lot. Gunnar, the muscles of this operation, was poised to start pushing. Mom, like a rowing captain, started cheering him on as he pushed the car. We were increasing in speed with every shout from mom. Slowly we were building up our speed as we crawled across the parking lot. Among the crowd that was watching our fate, were 3 high school boys who chose to watch vs help us out. As we approached the street it was due or be stranded. I popped the clutch and with poof of tail pipe smoke the car came roaring to life. With the fear of the car dying we dared not slow down. Mom screamed for Gunnar to jump in. His timing was perfect as he propelled himself into the backseat, slamming the door behind him. With a final backfire we sputtered off, praise the manual transmission.

Making Cash the Old Fashion Way

Younger daughter molly learned an important lesson. It’s not the quality of your product but location and marketing. She and her friends needed cash now and what better way than the old fashion way, Lemonade stand. So sugarless, iceless lemonade in hand, off they went to make their fortune in lemonade sales. A couple of hours later she came skipping back with $70 bucks in hand. Apparently they had their swimsuits on doing a little dance and the cash came rolling in. Note to self, 14year old and a lemonade stand needs adult supervision, sigh.

Ashley and Mr. Patrolman

As Ashley and Molly were driving together to a baseball tournament, Ashley gets pulled over for 87 in a 70mph speed zone. Now for me I would have my license and registration hanging out the window for the officer but not for Ashley. One quick adjustment of the top, one young male officer equals a warning mam. Off on her way she starts singing and car dancing. The cars erratic patterns that mimicked a drunk twice over did not go unnoticed by another Highway Patrolman. Once again, quick shirt adjustment, one young officer and a story about how she had a dream about being pulled over by a handsome officer equals another warning. She thought she was doing 85mph but he never got that far before the Ashley charm sent her on her way. If it was me, I would be in the back of a cruiser heading to jail for reckless child endangerment. Sigh

Pile it Higher and Higher

It started as a baseball tournament weekend of hell. Saturday games went well but that night I had stomach pains of no other. Next morning I was in a fetal position in bed with pains so intense that beads of sweat had formed on my forehead. Now I am sure my kids had true compassion as they offered to go to Wal-Mart to buy me things to make dad feel better. I told them sure go and get me meds but Ashley asks should I take your debt card or your visa but answers quickly her own question with “no problem I found both of them.” I tried to say take my $5 but too late, off to the shopping world Molly and Ashley shall go. Too weak to finish Sundays tournament the kids propped my up in the pickup truck and sent me back to Manhattan as they had their own car. I started to ask what they were going to do for money but remembered they had all my plastic.

That night is where this is little TMI, by morning there was a pile of underwear that had the battle scars of missed opportunities to the throne. Next day wife came down with stomach pains and started adding to the growing pile. By 7:00pm that night it was an aromic pile of underwear and now a bed sheet. Must say if I ever had the urge to work in a Nursing Home, I no longer had the urge. What’s that? Oh now Gunnar has stomach pains…. Sigh

Where oh where did my little winky go?

I was in the middle of one of my cooking monstrosities in the kitchen when in come my son. He mumbles something about needing help and all over the walls. I look over at him and from belly button down his t-shirt is soaked. He says he needs help, of course, and I need to clean it up. He exclaims that while relieving himself his winky went inverted which left him nothing to hold on to while streaming. He described the bathroom adventure like a garden hose on full blast while flopping around. He managed to hit the bathroom tub, walls, vanity, floor and outside of the toilet. I asked why and more why did you just not stop? He gleefully reported that once started he cannot stop and that I better hurry up because it is starting to stink in there. Somewhere down the line I know this is my punishment for something I did in life, sigh

Dog and Chicken Bones Don't Mix

Ah vacation, I had the afternoon off from work and was going to work on a new kind of fried food at home. So caught up in cooking thoughts was I that I didn't notice my boy on the couch or the issue. Pretty soon I heard the old familiar "Daaad". I see Gunnar stretched out on the love seat with his reading glasses on, engrossed in his reading. While still reading he stretches out his arm and points to the floor. Ya so what, a dark towel on the floor or wait.... Its black diarrhea from the dog in a 3' diameter pile. His response to my WTF" was "oh and there is some more on the stairs and by the downstairs." The stench was over whelming so I still can't figure out how he could nonchalantly be sitting 3 feet from rotten, bloody gastric diarrhea without the dry heaves.

Somehow it seems all my adventures that start in a cooking bliss end up either in diarrhea or vomit. Now who would like some fried chili sticks? Sigh

Gunnar steals home and more

Gunnar was catching in the McPherson tournament against the Salina Irish. After a few catches I hear the familiar "Daaad" He calls me over to the fence as he mentions something about bathroom. Apparently the coaches wife overheard and seeing the squirming tells coach that Gunnar has to go. Coach asks Gunnar for everyone to hear. Gunnar squatted down warming up the pitcher quickly silence the bathroom comments with a quick wave of the hand. 10min later we are out of the inning but darn, Gunnar is on deck. Soon enough he is at the plate. First pitch low and outside but Gunnar takes aim and puts to right field for a easy single. First pitch on the next batter Gunnar is off on a steal to second with or without the coache's steal sign. Close call "Slide Gunnar Slide Gunnar" Now when he gets up there is a question of the stain on his behind side, whew, just dirt. Next batter first pitch Gunnar has stolen 3rd. Next batter Gunnar has to wait for 4 pitches before there is a passed ball to the backstop. Gunnar takes off toward home on a mission to steal home. No slowing down as he hits his peak speed crossing the plate as he heads toward the gate. With out breaking stride he swings open the gate then quickly rounds the fan stand, "Run Forest Run, er Gunnar run. He streaks off toward the restroom leaving fans in awe of the unusual steal home play.

Apparently diarrhea and catching did not go well together but all ended well as that could have been another story.

Vita Mix Demo

We added to our armada of kitchen gadgets the Vita-Mix 5000. This baby has 10x the power of an ordinary blender with a top speed of 200mph. Now my son which I wont mention which one, Joe, decided he could use it without reading those silly instructions. I watched in horror as he flipped the switch from 0 to 200mph with out going through the gears. A quick grinding of gears and it was up to full speed. To have easier access with his food plunger he bypassed the safety top. At top speed the blades starting tearing into my plastic plunger along with an explosion of liquid that erupted out of the top. Not sure which was more spectacular watching the food eruption in my kitchen or watching Mt. St. Helen's on TV. Thinking he had done something wrong, he quickly turned it off and with a shrug of the shoulders tried it again for a second eruption. My screams of Nooooo! where unheeded as he was on a mission to do this thing himself. Kids, sigh.