Vita Mix Demo

We added to our armada of kitchen gadgets the Vita-Mix 5000. This baby has 10x the power of an ordinary blender with a top speed of 200mph. Now my son which I wont mention which one, Joe, decided he could use it without reading those silly instructions. I watched in horror as he flipped the switch from 0 to 200mph with out going through the gears. A quick grinding of gears and it was up to full speed. To have easier access with his food plunger he bypassed the safety top. At top speed the blades starting tearing into my plastic plunger along with an explosion of liquid that erupted out of the top. Not sure which was more spectacular watching the food eruption in my kitchen or watching Mt. St. Helen's on TV. Thinking he had done something wrong, he quickly turned it off and with a shrug of the shoulders tried it again for a second eruption. My screams of Nooooo! where unheeded as he was on a mission to do this thing himself. Kids, sigh.

Kids and sleep don't mix

Reason 509 why I didn't get my 6hrs of sleep
12:30am just settled under the covers with fans a blowing and noise maker a noising when the door flies open and lights come blaring on. 13yr old Molly makes the announcement that she would like a P&J before she can go back to sleep. Doing the math I figured it was quicker to just do it than be harassed for the next 2 hrs. Back in bed I starting to dose off when I hear screaming that someone needs to turn off her bedroom light.

5:30am while on her way to work, wife wakes me up to ask what all the commotion was. 6:00am o'clock 10 Year old Gunnar jumps into bed followed soon by Joe the 20 year old.

I believe the key to getting sleep is not having kids or being dead. Sigh

Balloon vs. Fan

Not sure if I can ever get the real story. All I know is when I get home my expensive lifetime warranty ceiling fan is half fallen apart only attached by wires. All I got was there was a balloon floating around, lots of pop pop then bad smells, loud noises emanating from the fan then silence.

Obvious question I asked was why we didn’t turn off the fan. Answer given was “What? And miss the balloon vs. fan show?” I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t lit match vs. house. Sigh

That's not Downy freshness I smell

Being one that wants to be green I use a bath towel at least 3 times to dry off before sending it to the hamper. With long term memory fading in my old age I keep my towels under my pillow and hanging down the edge of my side of the bed for easy access. That way it’s easy to find and use apparently by me and others.

I was tired and not really in tune with odors as I was toweling off but finally I could no longer ignore the strange odor which seemed to be coming from the towel. After a good old nose sniff there was no doubt that the towel that I was using had been used to soak up dog urine.

I asked the wife the next morning what the though process was, answer “ya, don’t use that towel it’s dirty.” No kidding, sigh.

Flush or not to Flush

You would think I would learn by now. Son plugs the stool with a large deposit. A quick flush does nothing but fill up the bowl. Now the power plunger is on the other side of the house in the cold garage and its bed time. Since it would require 2 flushes to cause alarm what are my chances this project can't want until morning? Surely my wife would understand the physics of a brim filled toilet. 2:30am wife wakes me to take the dogs out. As I am im standing in my yard, I think about the previous question but go back to bed. 4:30am wife informs me the toilet is clogged. I instruct her under penalty of death do NOT flush the toilet and rolled over on to my side with a side thought of "Maybe this is my second chance to go fix the toilet, nah" 5:30am panic scream of "its going to over flow" I jumped out running to the bathroom only to see a toilet resembling a chocolate fountain. The brown sewage is now lapping at the hallway carpet. I scream "need more towels" Quick and fading responses was "Gotta go, going to be late to work". After sopping up 10 towels did things start to look better. As I was finishing up around the baseboard, I kept reflecting on the original question I had 6hrs earlier and why oh why did I think it would have ended any other way.

To answer why the flushing after I said no. Wife's answer "I just thought maybe I would get lucky on the 2nd flush and it would all go away." In a certain sense it did all go away after that flush, sigh.

Killer hornet on the loose

For Xmas Gunnar received a hornet helicopter from Air Hog. He was getting pretty good at remotely flying the buzzing helicopter around the living room. While mom was taking a well deserved cat nap on the the couch, Gunnar was flying his helicopter insect around. Somehow his insect of little control had started a circling holding pattern over moms head. I saw the panic as Gunnar was trying to figure out how to get it off over mom. Slowly as it was circling it was getting closer and closer. Gunnar cuts power hoping it will drop and miss his mommy. But no, it lands square on her face. Mom shrieks in anticipated pain and shock of this giant bug on her face. Gunnar in panic, tries an emergency take off and gives it full power. With buzzing blades smacking mom's face the bug dances around her head followed by mom's screaming while swatting her hands in the air. Might as well have been a hornets nest on her face as much enthusiasm she was giving. Gunnar quickly picked up his helicopter which by now had been swatted 10 feet away, and quickly exited the room.

Dead Animal on Porch

Hard day at work and I just got beaten by a young girl in racquetball so I was needing some downtime. Since that is something I can't do at home, off to Sis's house to relax. Just as I was settled down in the comfy chair, feet propped up, Bud Lite in hand while taking in a new recipe on a grilled chicken sandwich with fresh basil, the phone rings. Wife is demanding for me to come home now and who ever gave me permission to leave my post at home. My come back of "busy!" was shot down with "If you don't want something cut off while you sleep, you'll come home now!" "Kids are screaming and crying about the poor dead animal that the dog has on the back porch." Blood is everywhere, animal is dragging its half eaten bloodied body around the deck with shrills of pain every few seconds." I quickly I go from listening to Master Piece background music while pondering a unique chicken sandwich to "come clean up this bloody animal mess."

So knowing I have to sleep sometime, I head home to see everyone hovering around the glass door commenting about the humanity of it all. As I part the family to take a look, I see a young possum playing possum. Yes he was roughed up a bit and yes there was saliva all over the deck but that was it. I scooped him up in a shovel and moved him down to the yard and off he scurried a few minutes later. Sigh

New Ring Tone for the Kids

Apparently I had an American Idol experience. I was trying to figure out why my 7th grade daughter was trying to record me while singing in church. I know I have a good voice, sing in the Shower and Choir with the possibilities of going semi professional. After church is over I am mingling with the adults outside the church when I hear a retched sound of someone trying to sing. To my horror I see Molly playing her recording from her cell phone on mega phone level. I dashed over and after a quick spectacle, wrestle the phone from her. It was a case of how you think you sound vs. how you really sound or now days it’s called an American Idle moment. I turned off the phone and we scurry home. End of story...apparently not. Savvy Molly decides to text the voice clip to 178 of her friends at Junior High for their new ring tone on their cell phone. Comments are coming into my wife that ya they keep hearing the sound clip of her husband. Make things worse Ms Molly set the sound bit to my ring tone unknowns to me.
I was in the Cabela’s restroom but when I undid my pants belt for a quick shirt tuck the 5lb wallet and cell phones in my pockets caused my shorts to drop like a rock to my ankles but at that moment Molly timed her phone call to me, my voice bellowing out in Cabela’s restroom in "Oh Sing to the Lord …" anthem. Of course all 28 macho hunter lookin guys look over to see a guy singing while trying to pull his pants back up in a frantic manner. As I dashed out of the restroom with my head down, family greets me with laughter and comments of “sing it again Daddy!” Sigh

Breast Pump Modified

So this happened about 22 years ago when breast pumps were these small battery-operated things. A typical pumping session could take 30min to get 8oz of milk. Not like today's commercial-grade pumps that can do 16oz in 10min. So the wife was complaining that the batteries were weak and it was taking too long. Seeing we didn't have any more AA batteries I started looking around for an electrical power adapter. The pump unit called for .6 amp but hey I found one that was 3.8 amp, plug fits good to go. As Tim the Tool Man would say more power is better, right? So wife goes to the bathroom. The normal sound the pump makes with the AA batteries was "putt putt putt" so I was proud of myself with my new results. A couple of seconds later she flips my Tim the Tool Man modified pumper on only to hear a high pitched "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and then screams of “My Tit" then silence then muttering that her breast was about ripped off. Women just don't appreciate a man's help. Something about she was going to try it on my private while I was sleeping….. sigh

Deadiest Insects

So Molly and I were watching Animal Planets episode on deadliest creatures. Graphics are amazing as they showed the fangs going in, poison's affect on the human body organs followed up by a slow agonizing death. There was a scene where this young girl is attack by a spider followed by loud screams and convulsions then a slow death. Show ends then its time for bed, sweet dreams. As she is heading to bed I hear a frantic scream. I come running in and she is frozen with an outreached finger pointing to the wall. She is now repeating frantically, "Kill it daddy, kill it." Sure it enough its a black spider just like the one on TV on the wall, sleeping I believe. As I approach it with the broom, the spider wakes up and realizes that it needs to move quickly. Scurrying for its life it races across the wall with me taking swipes at. Molly in screams of panic says "Its getting away, its getting away" Spider realizes that the open wall is no place to live so it drops to the floor and makes for the safety of our room. It rounds the corner but is slowed up by a shoe. With one more chance for the kill I get him with the broom followed by a quick stomp of the shoe. Molly asks in a trembling voice, "Did you get it daddy, is it dead???" Now the obvious answer would have been Yes but no I had to play it out as follows. I scream its getting away and start thumping my foot as I race toward Molly room. Molly freaks as she sees my stomping into her room. I give a few more futile stomps then emerge from her room. She asks doubtingly "did you kill it" I respond with a "sure?" She screams "you didn't kill it I know because why were you still stomping in my room??" I said because I was just messing with you. Damage is done, she is now scream/crying that she can't live in the house because she saw what the spider did to the girl on TV. Compromise was she could sleep with us until she felt safe. Lucky for me it was only 3 weeks until she actually forgot why she was sleeping in our bed. sigh

3 Spills and ur out

There is a tradition with my wife. I do a professional clean on the car including shampooing the carpets and she will christen the upholstery with a spilled drink. Drinks are spilled within the first 24hrs then not again until the carpets are cleaned, those are her rules. So on our trip to CO the first drink was spilled middle row of the van while I was pulling out of the gas station, my fault, I did accelerate. 2hrs was later as we were stopping for the next gas station, drink went all over front including my shoe and leg, my fault, I did use the brakes. So as she refilled her drink once again and as we were about to pull out, I looked at her and made the comment of "you still have the back row to spill your drink yet." I get the look of "this drink is so going all over you." I quickly reminder that she was holding a new drink and not an old drink, a moment later she lowered her drink commenting that I was damn lucky her new drink was not worth using on me. If it had been a 30 min drink, the outcome could have been more blog material. Geezzz, women are so sensitive, sigh

Locked Doors

I had Gunnar playing in one tournament with Joe playing his game 70miles away. Due to game time conflict Gunnar was staying with a players parents while I went to see Joe's game. The plan was for Gunnar to stay with the family but eventually go to my hotel room to sleep as I would be back shortly. It was 12:08am by the time I got back from an exhausting drive back from Joe's game. I tried my electronic key no luck, flashed red. I walked the short quarter mile back to the lobby to say my key don't work. Tried my new programmed key, same damn red flash. I again walked back and said try new plastic, again that didn't work. The front desk personnel came back and tried the master key, no luck. Man by this time it was 12:50am and I think I had walked at least 2 miles. Quick call in by the hotel employee to management revealed that the battery was dead in the lock. She said no problem, the maintenance guy was on call and should be here within the hour, sigh. 1:20am he shows up and looks at the lock and says, red flashing means it has been locked from inside. Once again I pound on the door and call the phone inside by no Gunnar. Maint. guy hooks up his black programmable box to the door and after a quick 10min success. But the door hits a manual dead bolt which requires a real key. 15min later they come back and try the key. Door opens but then hits the inside chain. 5 min of yelling let me in, Gunnar comes and opens the door. 2:20am I crash out on the bed. Good thing game time wasn't until 8:00am that morning. Did I mention when I signed out they charged my credit card $1,001.00 vs 101.00 for the night., sigh

Red Chevy Blazers do have a suspension.

So we are on our way to CO for vacation driving in a 3 van caravan with us riding point. I was riding shot gun with number 1 daughter driving. I had dozed off for a few minutes but as I was coming out of sleep I thought as I looked out my window a turn siginal on from the car next to us. By the time I got my second eye open I relized we were passing a group of cars behind a semi but square in the Red Chevy Blazer's blind spot. I was about ready to say something to my driver when the Chevy moved over into our lane. Somehow the driver say us and swerved back right. At that point I lost him but then I could hear screeching tires but no blazer. I spun around and looked out the back window all to see the following for the next 7 secs.
Blazer had then over corrected in a left turn put his vehicle on 2 wheels and careened left toward us. Missing us by inches he flew into the grassy median, took one bounce before he hit the embankment on the other side of the highway. Launched himself 3 feet into the air, flew over 2 lanes of on coming traffic and landed with a few more bounces then launched himself again and landed on a frontage road and kept driving like he knew of some sort of shortcut. The scene was something from Dukes of Hazard with dirt and grass trailing behind the airborne Blazer. Points to notice. Had he hit us the first time most certain pile up on I-70, when he over corrected and went left missing the back of van, certain pile up, Blazer going sideways and not rolling was certain death, going across oncoming traffic should have been a certain fatal pileup. Some how the gods were with us and that Chevy Blazer that day. sigh

Wallet is not a football

Son who loves to throw the football was in the process of getting my wallet for me. My wallet is the Harley Davis size and packed to the brim. In other words, about the size of a small football. I see his arm go back with the wallet and I screamed No!!! but hey what can happen, just a bush between me and dad. As the wallet is sailing through the air, the snaps open up right as it passes over the bush. Like a NY parade with confetti the contents came raining down on the bush. All 17 credit credit cards, doc appts, gift cards, and cash. To this day I still will look over in the bush and say "oh there's a credit card I have been missing" sigh

Family picnic

It was the eighth annual outdoor picnic party at the bank. Blow up rides, band all the grilled food you can eat. Just sat down with my load of food and trying to decide which to eat first, polish brat or the hamburger when daughter Molly came up behind Gunnar who was busy eating. Molly had that look of "I've got ya" when she pulled from behind her back a snow cone. Before I could say "don't think about it" she smashed it Gunnar's head. Pretty much got the hulk reflex out of him as he grabbed his cone and slung ice and juice back across him. All I could say to the affect people was "he will be dealt with harshly if he makes it back home alive." sigh

Cheap Groceries

When I unexpectedly came home for lunch I noticed my daughter coming out of the house loaded with grocery sacks. I asked WTF is this. She said I needed groceries such as chicken, cereal, sugar and cheese and by the way, you are getting low on cheese. I asked whats wrong with going to the store. Response, "Its cheaper going to your house." Sigh

First Broken Heart

To counter the teasing Gunnar received in 1st grade from siblings and others that "Gunnars got a girlfriend" chant, explained to him that is the goal of a guy, to get girlfriends. Wife blames me for this carry over to now 3rd grade. Apparently it was now the thing for a guy to have as many girlfriends as possible amoung the males in the glassroom. Wife gets a call from a concerned teacher if Gunnar was all right. After school was let out she found the guy with his head on the desk in tears. In his out stretch hand she found a crumpled up note from a girl that said it could never be and had a broken heart drawn. In his desk he had several other notes that he was going to send to said girl but not now, not ever.

Red Light

Wife and Joe are in the car sitting at a busy intersection waiting for ever for the traffic light to change to green. Wife was taking son to the base ball field complex where they have gold, blue, red, green fields. With out much thought into the response, she asks where is he playing. He a says "Green". Thinking somehow she daydreamed through the wait light, she shoots forward through the intersection. My son told me later that between the screams, screeching tires and honks, he was going to die. Asked wife, response, "No more using the word "Green" while in the car", sigh.

Bleeding on the Brain

My sister who is an MD was telling me cases where low impact injuries to the head had caused bleeding on the brain and in some cases people during sleep would suffocate on their own vomit. While we were on vacation we had connecting rooms between our two families at the hotel. My sister was in the other room vegging out on the bed. Me being the neat freak was on my hands and knees straightening the shoes between the dresser and the connecting door between the rooms. Unbeknownst to me, my wife who was in the other room along with my sister, had decided to come in to tell me some important news. For such a small girl she was able to swing the connecting solid core 90 lb door open with great velocity. I think I may have seen the door out of my peripheral before I heard the crash as it slammed into my head. The impact caused me to reel backwards. My arm in desperation to right myself, cleared off the dresser contents before I came to rest on my back on the floor. I must have screamed "Knights of Columbus" because the only sympathy I got from my sister was laughter from the other room. Wife, who actually seemed concerned, especially after hearing stories on how people succumb to their head injuries, asked "Should we have that checked out?" Sister after establishing with my wife that I had good life insurance responded …… "Just let nature take its course", sigh.

Retro, First Pregnancy

We were in about 8 mos of the pregnancy with our first child or I should say my wife was. Stuck in typical LA traffic we were heading home from dinner. Wife was giving me instructions on how I needed to get her home since morning sickness was happening. Like what honk my horn and the 8 lanes of traffic are going to part I said. I don’t know if it was going to happen anyway or it was a response to my blunt but realistic comment. She turned looking at me then grab my shirt to pull me closer. “What”, I said. She responded with a projectile vomit starting with my face then running down my side. This was not good and the stench was over helming. I quickly rolled down the window and like a dog held my head out the window all while trying to wipe the chunks off my face and keep my dinner down. Needles to say the vomit stayed with the car for years as it seeped down between seats and any other open crevice. I asked in later life wtf, why didn’t you stick your head out the window or on the floor board, response, “I wasn’t feeling well and I needn’t help.” Little did I know, as documented in my previous stories, vomit, # 2's and I were going to get to know each other. Sigh