Deadiest Insects

So Molly and I were watching Animal Planets episode on deadliest creatures. Graphics are amazing as they showed the fangs going in, poison's affect on the human body organs followed up by a slow agonizing death. There was a scene where this young girl is attack by a spider followed by loud screams and convulsions then a slow death. Show ends then its time for bed, sweet dreams. As she is heading to bed I hear a frantic scream. I come running in and she is frozen with an outreached finger pointing to the wall. She is now repeating frantically, "Kill it daddy, kill it." Sure it enough its a black spider just like the one on TV on the wall, sleeping I believe. As I approach it with the broom, the spider wakes up and realizes that it needs to move quickly. Scurrying for its life it races across the wall with me taking swipes at. Molly in screams of panic says "Its getting away, its getting away" Spider realizes that the open wall is no place to live so it drops to the floor and makes for the safety of our room. It rounds the corner but is slowed up by a shoe. With one more chance for the kill I get him with the broom followed by a quick stomp of the shoe. Molly asks in a trembling voice, "Did you get it daddy, is it dead???" Now the obvious answer would have been Yes but no I had to play it out as follows. I scream its getting away and start thumping my foot as I race toward Molly room. Molly freaks as she sees my stomping into her room. I give a few more futile stomps then emerge from her room. She asks doubtingly "did you kill it" I respond with a "sure?" She screams "you didn't kill it I know because why were you still stomping in my room??" I said because I was just messing with you. Damage is done, she is now scream/crying that she can't live in the house because she saw what the spider did to the girl on TV. Compromise was she could sleep with us until she felt safe. Lucky for me it was only 3 weeks until she actually forgot why she was sleeping in our bed. sigh

3 Spills and ur out

There is a tradition with my wife. I do a professional clean on the car including shampooing the carpets and she will christen the upholstery with a spilled drink. Drinks are spilled within the first 24hrs then not again until the carpets are cleaned, those are her rules. So on our trip to CO the first drink was spilled middle row of the van while I was pulling out of the gas station, my fault, I did accelerate. 2hrs was later as we were stopping for the next gas station, drink went all over front including my shoe and leg, my fault, I did use the brakes. So as she refilled her drink once again and as we were about to pull out, I looked at her and made the comment of "you still have the back row to spill your drink yet." I get the look of "this drink is so going all over you." I quickly reminder that she was holding a new drink and not an old drink, a moment later she lowered her drink commenting that I was damn lucky her new drink was not worth using on me. If it had been a 30 min drink, the outcome could have been more blog material. Geezzz, women are so sensitive, sigh

Locked Doors

I had Gunnar playing in one tournament with Joe playing his game 70miles away. Due to game time conflict Gunnar was staying with a players parents while I went to see Joe's game. The plan was for Gunnar to stay with the family but eventually go to my hotel room to sleep as I would be back shortly. It was 12:08am by the time I got back from an exhausting drive back from Joe's game. I tried my electronic key no luck, flashed red. I walked the short quarter mile back to the lobby to say my key don't work. Tried my new programmed key, same damn red flash. I again walked back and said try new plastic, again that didn't work. The front desk personnel came back and tried the master key, no luck. Man by this time it was 12:50am and I think I had walked at least 2 miles. Quick call in by the hotel employee to management revealed that the battery was dead in the lock. She said no problem, the maintenance guy was on call and should be here within the hour, sigh. 1:20am he shows up and looks at the lock and says, red flashing means it has been locked from inside. Once again I pound on the door and call the phone inside by no Gunnar. Maint. guy hooks up his black programmable box to the door and after a quick 10min success. But the door hits a manual dead bolt which requires a real key. 15min later they come back and try the key. Door opens but then hits the inside chain. 5 min of yelling let me in, Gunnar comes and opens the door. 2:20am I crash out on the bed. Good thing game time wasn't until 8:00am that morning. Did I mention when I signed out they charged my credit card $1,001.00 vs 101.00 for the night., sigh

Red Chevy Blazers do have a suspension.

So we are on our way to CO for vacation driving in a 3 van caravan with us riding point. I was riding shot gun with number 1 daughter driving. I had dozed off for a few minutes but as I was coming out of sleep I thought as I looked out my window a turn siginal on from the car next to us. By the time I got my second eye open I relized we were passing a group of cars behind a semi but square in the Red Chevy Blazer's blind spot. I was about ready to say something to my driver when the Chevy moved over into our lane. Somehow the driver say us and swerved back right. At that point I lost him but then I could hear screeching tires but no blazer. I spun around and looked out the back window all to see the following for the next 7 secs.
Blazer had then over corrected in a left turn put his vehicle on 2 wheels and careened left toward us. Missing us by inches he flew into the grassy median, took one bounce before he hit the embankment on the other side of the highway. Launched himself 3 feet into the air, flew over 2 lanes of on coming traffic and landed with a few more bounces then launched himself again and landed on a frontage road and kept driving like he knew of some sort of shortcut. The scene was something from Dukes of Hazard with dirt and grass trailing behind the airborne Blazer. Points to notice. Had he hit us the first time most certain pile up on I-70, when he over corrected and went left missing the back of van, certain pile up, Blazer going sideways and not rolling was certain death, going across oncoming traffic should have been a certain fatal pileup. Some how the gods were with us and that Chevy Blazer that day. sigh

Wallet is not a football

Son who loves to throw the football was in the process of getting my wallet for me. My wallet is the Harley Davis size and packed to the brim. In other words, about the size of a small football. I see his arm go back with the wallet and I screamed No!!! but hey what can happen, just a bush between me and dad. As the wallet is sailing through the air, the snaps open up right as it passes over the bush. Like a NY parade with confetti the contents came raining down on the bush. All 17 credit credit cards, doc appts, gift cards, and cash. To this day I still will look over in the bush and say "oh there's a credit card I have been missing" sigh

Family picnic

It was the eighth annual outdoor picnic party at the bank. Blow up rides, band all the grilled food you can eat. Just sat down with my load of food and trying to decide which to eat first, polish brat or the hamburger when daughter Molly came up behind Gunnar who was busy eating. Molly had that look of "I've got ya" when she pulled from behind her back a snow cone. Before I could say "don't think about it" she smashed it Gunnar's head. Pretty much got the hulk reflex out of him as he grabbed his cone and slung ice and juice back across him. All I could say to the affect people was "he will be dealt with harshly if he makes it back home alive." sigh

Cheap Groceries

When I unexpectedly came home for lunch I noticed my daughter coming out of the house loaded with grocery sacks. I asked WTF is this. She said I needed groceries such as chicken, cereal, sugar and cheese and by the way, you are getting low on cheese. I asked whats wrong with going to the store. Response, "Its cheaper going to your house." Sigh

First Broken Heart

To counter the teasing Gunnar received in 1st grade from siblings and others that "Gunnars got a girlfriend" chant, explained to him that is the goal of a guy, to get girlfriends. Wife blames me for this carry over to now 3rd grade. Apparently it was now the thing for a guy to have as many girlfriends as possible amoung the males in the glassroom. Wife gets a call from a concerned teacher if Gunnar was all right. After school was let out she found the guy with his head on the desk in tears. In his out stretch hand she found a crumpled up note from a girl that said it could never be and had a broken heart drawn. In his desk he had several other notes that he was going to send to said girl but not now, not ever.

Red Light

Wife and Joe are in the car sitting at a busy intersection waiting for ever for the traffic light to change to green. Wife was taking son to the base ball field complex where they have gold, blue, red, green fields. With out much thought into the response, she asks where is he playing. He a says "Green". Thinking somehow she daydreamed through the wait light, she shoots forward through the intersection. My son told me later that between the screams, screeching tires and honks, he was going to die. Asked wife, response, "No more using the word "Green" while in the car", sigh.

Bleeding on the Brain

My sister who is an MD was telling me cases where low impact injuries to the head had caused bleeding on the brain and in some cases people during sleep would suffocate on their own vomit. While we were on vacation we had connecting rooms between our two families at the hotel. My sister was in the other room vegging out on the bed. Me being the neat freak was on my hands and knees straightening the shoes between the dresser and the connecting door between the rooms. Unbeknownst to me, my wife who was in the other room along with my sister, had decided to come in to tell me some important news. For such a small girl she was able to swing the connecting solid core 90 lb door open with great velocity. I think I may have seen the door out of my peripheral before I heard the crash as it slammed into my head. The impact caused me to reel backwards. My arm in desperation to right myself, cleared off the dresser contents before I came to rest on my back on the floor. I must have screamed "Knights of Columbus" because the only sympathy I got from my sister was laughter from the other room. Wife, who actually seemed concerned, especially after hearing stories on how people succumb to their head injuries, asked "Should we have that checked out?" Sister after establishing with my wife that I had good life insurance responded …… "Just let nature take its course", sigh.

Retro, First Pregnancy

We were in about 8 mos of the pregnancy with our first child or I should say my wife was. Stuck in typical LA traffic we were heading home from dinner. Wife was giving me instructions on how I needed to get her home since morning sickness was happening. Like what honk my horn and the 8 lanes of traffic are going to part I said. I don’t know if it was going to happen anyway or it was a response to my blunt but realistic comment. She turned looking at me then grab my shirt to pull me closer. “What”, I said. She responded with a projectile vomit starting with my face then running down my side. This was not good and the stench was over helming. I quickly rolled down the window and like a dog held my head out the window all while trying to wipe the chunks off my face and keep my dinner down. Needles to say the vomit stayed with the car for years as it seeped down between seats and any other open crevice. I asked in later life wtf, why didn’t you stick your head out the window or on the floor board, response, “I wasn’t feeling well and I needn’t help.” Little did I know, as documented in my previous stories, vomit, # 2's and I were going to get to know each other. Sigh

Friday 13th Date Night

Once and maybe twice a year my wife gets Friday and Saturday off from work which means we can have a date night. For 5 weeks I was counting the days that we would go to Chili’s, Movie, Cold Stone Ice-cream and maybe get the wife liquored up before we went home and maybe I would get lucky that night.

Even though the day was Friday the 13th my work morning was calm. Had Pandora classic 70s rock going and had just settled down for a leisurely yet somewhat productive quite morning. 9:00am wife calls me at work saying she is in big trouble. I ask like how big, she tells me the collection agency is calling Ashley regarding the uncollected funds from the hospital, $200bucks which was from a drunken Ashley ER visit. So what’s the problem, it’s her problem. Yes but then she tells the collection agent she is Ashley in order to gain more insight into the problem. When she finally confesses that she is not Ashley, the agent becomes angry ant tells her that what she is doing is illegal and will be reported, then my wife hears a dial tone. Not a problem, wife is going to drain my grocery account and go pay the hundreds to pay off my daughters account. Never mind the fact I just gave my daughter hundreds to take care of the bill last month. Sigh, hopefully wife will be settled down by date night. 10min later daughter calls to say she over slept and was late opening the store. Told the angry boss that her dog had health issues and was close to death and that is why she was not at work. Ashley tells me that when her boss calls mom, mom needs to go along with her lie about the dog being sick. Wife becomes frazzled with all the lies she has to deal with but the morning is young, plenty of time to get back on the date night theme. 20 min later wife calls and says Joe base ball cleats are no good, needs baseball pants and a new bat bag because his is bag now looks old but the bus taking his team to AZ training is leaving in 90 min and would I give her the credit card. Hell, what’s another 2 hundred to the bill so long as we can have date night.. 45 min later mechanic calls about my wife’s car, coils, rotor, brakes and belt, $1,000 please. Wife is upset saying now we can’t afford to go out. I remind her that we have gift cards so I think we are still on. 3:00 with 2 more hours to date night. 3:05 wife calls to say Gunnar sprained/broke ankle in school. Not looking good for date night. Leave docs office on crutches at 5:30. Okay dinner is out but we can make 7:05 movie. 6:05 Ashley calls to say she is at her work 10 mi outside of Manhattan and she locked her keys in. Since road side service is only good with wife’s phone, someone would have to rush out there with it. I tell wife that we can do this if I go now we will only miss 30 of the movie and trailers. Wife says forget it and she is now out of the mood. Somehow my relaxing day at the office is now watching $1,628 being drained from my account and I get no date night. I went from exciting date night to another cold shower night. Sigh

Dad and Son the mechanics

Wife calls me to tell me what a wonderful meal she has made and to hurry home. Can't believe it, my wife has cooked me a hot meal for a change. 5min later as I am driving home I am told not to come home but to now help the 18year old who's car is stranded on the roadside. I went over to my parents house where Joe was to give me an in depth problem description. Something about it took awhile to warm up and it drove like in 3rd gear while in 1st. He also had let the battery go mostly dead but was able get it started. Me being mechanically inclined and my son have taking 2 course of advanced car mechanics were looking at the possibilities, alternator, fuel pump or maybe a clogged fuel filter. Grandpa ever once in awhile from his chair would pipe in, "Did you try putting gas in it?" Joe countered he only had 150mi on a 350mi tank so that couldn't be it. After 30 min of diagnose, I called the tow truck anyway but to humor my dad we took some gas. As we are waiting for the tow truck, I told Joe to throw some gas in to kill some time. 2 min later his car fires to life and he speeds off. 2 hours of trouble shooting and a missed hot meal. I really would like to know what they're teaching in that mechanic school other than how to figure accurately how much your gas tank really holds, 11.31gal in this case. sigh

Colorado Roads are to die for

We are coming back from San Diego but need to get to my wife's mother who is in a hospital in Luvland Co. Which makes it about a 1,200 mile one day outing. Everything was going fine until we got to the last leg of the trip, going through the mountains on I-70 in the dark. No big deal, I have head lights and the poor reflective lane divider markers. But then some cloud of rain starting following us over the state. So now I have poor reflective markers that in rain are worthless, lanes with ruts that are filling up with water, no shoulders, 1 foot guard rails and 100' shear drop offs. I slow down to a nice 30mph with only slight hydroplaning and not a f'n clue where the road is. Cars are now whizzing past me as I am white knuckled clutching the wheel. I soon realized that it didn't matter if I couldn't see the lanes as everyone else made it one giant free for all. I tell the wife that if I find a shoulder I'm pullin off but from here deep sleep she mutters, "keep going". With her full support I hydro plane on. 1 mile later I see 2 cars in the side of the mountain, 15 miles later a SUV is hanging by the back axle on the bridge's guard rail with a 100 foot drop to no where and yet the cars keeping whizzing by me. I have had a lot of stress but that 70 miles of white knuckle hell was the worst.
PS Wife slept through it all only wake up and say "you don' make very good time when you drive" I'm thinkin, "Ya but we are alive aren't we?" sigh.

Get the bread kids don't like.

I seem to have this problem of no bread to make sandwiches. So I tried getting the most unappealing bread there was, something the kids would scour and say "yuck", something like brown pumpernickel round loaf. Got home and made a small test pastrami sandwich on it, outstanding it was. Couldn't wait to make my full blown sandwich with hydroponic tomato on it for my lunch the next day. When I get home I am horrified to see only one heal left. I ask my wife wtf happen to my nasty looking loaf. Oh the kids have decided they love your bread. I rush back to Wal-mart to reload only to find out that they just sold the last one for the season. Apparently its seasonal item. So now I am left with Angus pastrami, baby Swiss cheese and tomato with a sliver of onion to go on 3 day old bargain bread.
sigh, wasn't the 21yr old daughter suppose to have moved out????

Daugher, vacation = ER

My wife and I went on our vacation that we do every 10 years. Things were going well as I was smoothly talking my way to a night of romance. Romance was in the air and I don't think I was going to need the cold shower that night. Then at 6:07pm the phone rings. "Ya this is Ashley's friend and she drank so much that she is passed out in the ER and we think you should come back to pick her up."

That conversation with my wife resulted in her freaking out over the $500 ER bill and a possible dead daughter. Time to take a cold shower and head back to Kansas.
sigh, kids.

How many abulances does it take??

I was in the middle of a big fund raiser event located on main street. I had 20 customers waiting in line and I was cooking as fast as i could when the phone rang. 21yr old calls and says there has been an accident, there is police and ambulances. I said is this a joke cause I am really busy here. Luck would have it my wife was getting off work and she likes these kinds of projects.
Turns out
1. Daughter's foot slipped off and she bumps van in front.
2. No damage on bumpers but women jumps out and screams that all of her family is injured and needs ambulances.
3. With 3 cop cars and 2 ambulances taking people in for massive neck injuries, police are still trying to figure out if they are at the correct accident scene.
4. 6 mos later the letter from the attorney is warning us that his client is still determining the damages.
5. More to come on this one.

sigh

Son's new car, maybe

Son was getting his first car, a 86 rebuilt Honda civic but it about did survive.
1. On the way home in the badlands of New Mexico it his hit by a coyote that takes out the bumper and cracks the windshield.
2. While its in the body shop it misses out on the 200mph baseball size hail that does 2.8 million damage to town. Hail was so strong it was putting holes through cars and barns.
3. Month later once out of the shop a tornado misses our house by 2 miles.

Car survives and Joe has his new car and dad gets whats left of his old car back.

How to fix water damaged cell phone

21yr daughter comes in announcing that she dropped her cell phone in the snow but don't worry she knows how to dry it off. She reports that her good friend at the customer service says to put the cell phone in the dryer. As I was thinking how you would position the hair dryer to blow on the cell phone, I hear the clothes dryer door slam shut. I screamed "Nooooo" only to hear "don't worry dad, the lady says this works" The single clunking becomes multiple clunking as I screamed "STOP!!" As daughter is assembling the phone back together, I explained if she meant dryer then you need to insert the rack in the dryer and put the phone on the rack so it isn't smashed into oblivion.

Not much of a lesson learned as she got a new phone under a new contract which I found out meant I was paying more. So maybe there was a purpose in smashing the phone after all.
sigh.

New year's romance

Its new year's eve and I am ready to make something of it. Older son is spending the night at a friends, 11yr is at cousins, 21 yr daughter hopefully is not coming home to crash which only leaves the 9yr old home but sick.

Its 11:30pm and I have the basket with special towels, soap and lotions. As I am heading to the jacuzzi, I am hit with the smell of puke when I open our bedroom door. Son has crawled onto my side of the bed and has puked all over himself and my bed. Wife says " romance night is off, go wash the sheets" as she heads to the couch, leaving my standing there with my basket of romance paraphernalia thinking wtf just happened here. 90 min later bed is made, taken cold shower and to go I go bed.

Sigh, kids.