What you can't see can still smell like ....

It was Saturday morning and I was trying to catch up on sleep when wife comes in at 6:00am to report that the dogs and squirted diarrhea all over the floors. Somehow trying to go back to sleep with that image in my head didn’t work. I did manage to let my wife have a 1hr head start on the project though. I went in to the dinning room expecting the worse but pleasantly noticed no fecal matter. I was about ready to say good job when the smell hit me. Ya my wife said, “It smells like shit in here”. Puzzled because I couldn’t see anything on the floor. It wasn’t until the sun started shining in and my new angle of look that I could see where she had cleaned up the smears. The whole floor now was coated with a thin layer of dried fecal matter. I guess a Swifer Mop just smears instead of clean when it comes to diarrhea. I tried using the tried and true mop and bucket but some how at this point of fecal hardening, its still existed in spots, I just can’t see it. I am now reduced over the next few days on crawling around on the floor sniffing every inch. Sigh

Only Experience Drivers need apply.

Joe had started off to work in his car but returning saying the 2inches of ice was to hazardous for him to drive and to call work telling them he couldn’t make it in. Wife respond with “Nothing doing. What you need is an experience driver to drive you in, mommy will take you.” So off they go but instead of taking his car he suggested taking dad's. Good move on his part. So off they go down the hill toward the traffic circle. At about 150 feet before the circle of death, wife noticed she is traveling at normal speed of 25mph. She hits the breaks but locked wheels on ice becomes the sleigh ride from hell. Both Joe and my wife start screaming like in Lampoons Chevy Chases in Christmas Vacation as they slide down the hill. When they reached the circle my wife cranks the wheels hard left for maximum damage. Through the circle they slide until they slam into the curb, coming to a rest partially in the neighbors yard. Axel is now bent, rim is now bent, tire now will not hold air. Wife’s comment to me was “Your car doesn’t drive very well now”. Sigh

Didn't know a car would start while in 1st gear

I am coming down the driveway for the evening paper when I noticed Joe walking toward me, gaping hole in front bumper of car and a pile of bricks from the mail box. First thing he says is “Dad guess what happened?” My response was yes I have brick glue and no you can not buff that out. Sigh

Math Photographic Memory

It was another typical night of father son doing math homework. These were cherished times to remember. These were particularly time consuming problems that I was working up on the white board. They were 12 problems of solving simultaneous equations. After 90min of work I come back from the board to see how Joe was doing only to see no work written down for the last 90 min. I asked WTF, response was something about he thought I would write it down later. Ya like I have photographic memory! 2hrs later at 1:30am I’m finally done re doing all the work again. Sigh

X-mas Lights Bulls eye

It was time for the yearly hang X-mas lights. I did the standard 60 min of untangling the previous year lights. Being outside I didn’t want one of the kids running over the lights so I neatly wound them up like a garden hose. As I was coming back out of the garage I hear Gunnar yells to his friend “hey watch this” as he launches his kick ball in the sky. I will have to give him 10 for form, 10 for height and 10 for accuracy for hitting the coiled lights dead center. Sigh

Frebreez is not BBQ Sauce

I come home starving for dinner only to find the wife grilling chicken breasts in Curlys hickory smoked BBQ sauce. They are to die for on a toasted bun with sharp shedder cheese. I stand guarding these beauties until I hear the words of “Honey please fix up the sandwiches” No problem, I scoop up the chicken and start preparing the sandwiches. As it is no one is standing in line so the first one has my name on it especially since I probably lost 3 pounds while waiting. As I am making my sandwich instead of smelling the once sweet hickory BBQ I smell more of clothes freshener. I fight off the odd smell coming from my taste of heaven and layer on the cheese. Once again the smell starts to smell much stronger like Frebreez. I sniff my shirt cuff which seems to be the source of freshnes since BBQ doesn’t taste like Frebreeze. Sandwich complete. I took a big bite of heaven only to be met with an initial strong taste of Frebreeze. I fight through the Frebreeze taste looking for the BBQ taste. Finally I release, my lips are on fire, my eyes are watering. I spit the sandwich out and start splashing water all over my face. I look at my wife with swollen red lips and said WTF. Apparently when I installed the new Frebreez air freshener which is about 100 times more concentrated then normal Frebreeze, I installed it upside down which soaked a sponge and tongs. The sponge was used on the cutting board and the tongs were used to remove the meat. I just stood there looking at my once proud sandwich in the sink bubbling with foam as I washed it down the drain. Wife hands be a bag of carrots and says here’s supper. Sigh

Soccer Ball, privates, & rolling chair.

I say it was all in fair play, kick the soccer ball as hard as you can at a male’s private. So I was busy working on the computer in the basement with Molly and Gunnar honing their soccer skills in the other room. Next thing I hear is “Don’t be such a baby and kick the ball at me” I hear a loud thud and Molly saying “ I didn’t mean to kick you there” I look over to see Gunnar going to hulk mode. I scream for Molly to run to me. As Gunnar is righting himself he starts justifying his future actions with “She kicked me in the privates” Like a Line Backer coming in on a Quarterbacks’s blind side he races across the room toward Molly. Being the athlete that I am, I push off the desk on my roller chair for the block. He hits me like a ton of bricks and we spin off into the wall. With me hanging on to him he tares out again after Molly who is running around the room. You would think my weight on the rolling chair he was dragging around would have slowed him down but it didn’t’. I was in for a wild ride as he was dragging me and the chair from one wall to the next chasing poor Molly while banging into tables chairs and anything else in the way. Finally Molly found the door to the stairs and disappeared upstairs. Thank goodness he is only 7.
Sigh

Car brakes failed

I get the call that every dad loves to hear at work, “Dad I was in a car accident.” Her version was that the brakes were old and didn’t stop in time. I asked here were she was and she reported she was at the mechanics. I told her that for that kind of boo boo you need a body shop. Mechanics there told me that she should not drive it as the damaged radiator had no fluid in it. Hard concept to convey to my daughter who responded that it still drove. Ca Ching $1,000 deductible. Sigh

MIA Wheel cowlings

Ashley had her new used car for only 3 weeks when I noticed that the front wheel well cowlings were missing. Not parts of it but both wheel wells were completely gone. I asked her WTF happened. Her response was “well dad we were driving down the road behind this truck when “something” flew off and we ran over it. My friend asked if that loud impact noise was serious but I told her I think we are fine.” This is one of those stories that you get the real story 20 years later because for the life of me, I can not figure out what you could run over that would rip both wheel cowlings out. Sigh

Missing wiper blade but other one still works

I am not saying women and cars don’t mix, I am saying the women in my house and cars don’t mix. My wife reports that the wiper blade flew off while in use leaving only the bare metal which was scraping across the windshield. I asked why didn’t you turn it off. Response it was still raining and the other wiper worked. Needless to say that I now have a nice scratch across the windshield. Sigh

Door Bell Ashley needs sleep

Same old story, no sleep but tonight I made it to bed by 11:00. 11:05 door bell rings non-stop. I throw on my pants and take Duke the guard dog to the door. I crack open the door, keeping my right hands on the door just in case. With out words Ashley ducks under my arm and enters. In the 4 seconds it takes to get the dog back in and door lock, I hear my bedroom door shut. I am then thinking, “What just happened here???” When I open the bedroom door to ask WTF, my wife throws me a pillow and says, “Ashley needs some good sleep and they are partying at her house” Arrrgghh

Ashley has not left the bed

I am writing this more for me to document the craziness of it all. Getting into bed when the phone rings, "Dad, I feel sick, please come get me." I get her home and by the time I make it back to getting in bed I notice my spot has been replaced with her. And more recently when I wake up, I never know if it is her or my wife. I can never make fun of people that still have their kids sleeping with them at age 3 as mine is approaching 20. Sigh

Gunnar + Gun = SRS

Dodged the bullet on this one. Miss Molly comes running into the house to report Gunnar is showing the neighborhood kids his gun. Ya, ya that is what boys do. Then I as was thinking what play gun did he have that would draw such a big crowd Molly repeats again, "Dad he has the shotgun out there!" Great all I need is a 7yr old showing off his brothers shotgun to the kids. Joe gets the gun back and amazing nobody reported back to their parents and no police or SRS. Dodged one as this could have been a real entertaining blog entry. If anyone reports this, I will deny it all.

Who has gotta leave?

One day my wife brings home a Rat Terrier Dog someone had given her as the dog was homeless. I thought it was for training my lab dogs for retrieval, wrong. Any way everyone loves the dog which is getting lots of attention. Then I get the ultimatim question from the college age daughter Ashley, “Either the dog leaves or I am out of here!” What? Is this a trick question or what? Wife gives the dog away before I could answer. Sigh

Ashley if you read this, Daddy still loves you.

Pass the Ketchup Plz

Eating steak is a religious occasion around our house. I try and pick a night where all my kids are out or I fill them up on healthy hotdogs before the steak is served. Tonight I had some NY strips. Grain fed, Angus, Choice quality or 12.99 a pound. There was my wife, Joe and myself to divide up the spread. I carefully marinated the steaks in my special sauce in a vacuum container for 3 hours in the fridge. Steaks were grilled in butter to perfection. I was taking off the steaks when in swings my daughter Ashley who says, “what’s cooking” I mutter nothing you would like only to hear her grabbing a plate and swiftly slide 1 of 3 steaks to the plate. What ever, I divide the other 2 steaks between the rest of us. After the prayer we started digging in only to her Ashley ask for ketchup. I explain to her that ketchup is only for bad tasting steak and that her $13.00 steak in a wine steak juice sauce I made, did not need ketchup. She responds with a cup of ketchup smothering the steak. Six bites later she is done and leaves. My beautiful steak is dead in a sea of ketchup. Sigh

Where is the Dog's Bark Collar

Duke the yellow lab now has to wear a bark collar that we take off at night. For some reason I had to put it on the Golden Retriever who has long hair. Next day, Sat, I can't find the collar. Damn kids I blame but still no collar. I check to make sure I had taken it off Duke, no collar. Sunday all day looking, no collar. Monday no collar, wife spent a day looking. Monday night I am out playing with the dogs and there it was on the Golden retriever. She has long hair and anyone in my condition could have missed it. I still maintain with the wife that I took it off and one of the kids put it back on. Damn kids, Sigh.

One person in the batting cage PLEASE!!!!

Molly, Gunnar and myself were out for our daily batting practice. We do tee work in the net first before going to the cages. Some how we were in the “beat the holy crap out of each other with a baseball bat mode.” First one was when Gunnar handed the bat over to Miss Molly handle first and she “somehow” knocked the batt back striking him the cheek bone, nothing makeup can’t hide. Then Gunnar was swinging his bat around and I ran into it with my left wrist. Swelling wasn’t too bad, only the size of a small golf ball. Then we headed over to the batting cages. I was in the one next to Molly giving her constructive instructions. Unknowns to me, Gunnar slipped into the batting cage I was in and starting taking full cuts to time the pitches that were going to Molly. One of those full cuts came around and generated a home run ringing sound off of my right wrist that quickly swelled up to the size of a tennis ball and became stiff. So there I was driving home with Gunnar with a bruised face and me with each wrist on fire from the swelling. Might have to pass on starting the traditional family hunting trips for a couple of maturing years. Did I mention his full cut swings generate in the Park home runs at his little league games.
Sigh

Gunnar and the true purpose of sliding shorts.

This is a Grandma story so I can only assume its true. Gunnar 7, was going to his first baseball game. He was playing in the league and at this level they used the pitching machine. To look the part 6 hours before game time he was in full uniform pants, socks, cleats, shirt, hat and elastic sliding shorts. He was serious and meant business. As Grandma was looking over his uniform she couldn’t help noticing the white elastic shorts so she asked him what those pants were for. Without missing a beat and a serious look of “come on Grandma” he responded, “They are for keeping the Girls out” She didn’t go any further with the questioning, enough said.

May have to move up the Father/Son talk sooner than I thought. Sigh

Joe's Homework or is it Dad's???

It was the normal screaming session of Joe vs Math and Dad. Things ended in the typical fashion of I am too tired why don’t you work out a few examples for me to look at in the morning. Being the good Dad I worked out most the problems but in a scribble manner on the backs of other worksheets. Enough detail that he should be able to figure out the problems.

Two days later I am sitting across the table and Parent/Teacher conference going over Joe’s math progress. Out of the blue the teacher pulls out from the middle of the stack a papers something that looks familiar. Yes the scribble I had done a few days earlier was apparently handed in as homework. I can not remember what I said to weasel out of that hot seat conversation but I promised myself never again would I work out the problems. On a happier note when I told the teacher I hadn’t had Geometry for 30 years and wasn’t sure I had explained it correctly, the teacher did say that I had done an excellent job and had a clear understanding of the material. Sigh

Dad's memory is like a steel trap

My theory is that years of raising kids can take a toll on ones health and memory. It was an exciting day, a day of shopping at Sam’s. As usually when you go in they ask for your card. Being the dedicated shopper I always have my card on top so as not to hold up the line. I send the wife and kids over to the snack bar while I did the shopping. It is amazing the more people you take the higher the bill. I had my shopping list of cheese and another $300 of spontaneous got to have its and head for the checkout. I open my wallet to present my card and nothing. I panic as I am slapping all my pockets trying to find it. I am starting to get looks from people in line. Cashier makes announcement for lost card but nothing. I have to head over to the customer service to get a new card. 20 min later I have my new card and I am back in line. Just then the lovely wife saddles up next to me and says, “Here is your card back” I asked in disbelief where in the hell did you get that from. From you honey, you handed it me. I might have as well handed her a $100 bill, no recollection of doing it or why I did it. Sigh. Crap where are my keys?