Ashley has not left the bed

I am writing this more for me to document the craziness of it all. Getting into bed when the phone rings, "Dad, I feel sick, please come get me." I get her home and by the time I make it back to getting in bed I notice my spot has been replaced with her. And more recently when I wake up, I never know if it is her or my wife. I can never make fun of people that still have their kids sleeping with them at age 3 as mine is approaching 20. Sigh

Gunnar + Gun = SRS

Dodged the bullet on this one. Miss Molly comes running into the house to report Gunnar is showing the neighborhood kids his gun. Ya, ya that is what boys do. Then I as was thinking what play gun did he have that would draw such a big crowd Molly repeats again, "Dad he has the shotgun out there!" Great all I need is a 7yr old showing off his brothers shotgun to the kids. Joe gets the gun back and amazing nobody reported back to their parents and no police or SRS. Dodged one as this could have been a real entertaining blog entry. If anyone reports this, I will deny it all.

Who has gotta leave?

One day my wife brings home a Rat Terrier Dog someone had given her as the dog was homeless. I thought it was for training my lab dogs for retrieval, wrong. Any way everyone loves the dog which is getting lots of attention. Then I get the ultimatim question from the college age daughter Ashley, “Either the dog leaves or I am out of here!” What? Is this a trick question or what? Wife gives the dog away before I could answer. Sigh

Ashley if you read this, Daddy still loves you.

Pass the Ketchup Plz

Eating steak is a religious occasion around our house. I try and pick a night where all my kids are out or I fill them up on healthy hotdogs before the steak is served. Tonight I had some NY strips. Grain fed, Angus, Choice quality or 12.99 a pound. There was my wife, Joe and myself to divide up the spread. I carefully marinated the steaks in my special sauce in a vacuum container for 3 hours in the fridge. Steaks were grilled in butter to perfection. I was taking off the steaks when in swings my daughter Ashley who says, “what’s cooking” I mutter nothing you would like only to hear her grabbing a plate and swiftly slide 1 of 3 steaks to the plate. What ever, I divide the other 2 steaks between the rest of us. After the prayer we started digging in only to her Ashley ask for ketchup. I explain to her that ketchup is only for bad tasting steak and that her $13.00 steak in a wine steak juice sauce I made, did not need ketchup. She responds with a cup of ketchup smothering the steak. Six bites later she is done and leaves. My beautiful steak is dead in a sea of ketchup. Sigh

Where is the Dog's Bark Collar

Duke the yellow lab now has to wear a bark collar that we take off at night. For some reason I had to put it on the Golden Retriever who has long hair. Next day, Sat, I can't find the collar. Damn kids I blame but still no collar. I check to make sure I had taken it off Duke, no collar. Sunday all day looking, no collar. Monday no collar, wife spent a day looking. Monday night I am out playing with the dogs and there it was on the Golden retriever. She has long hair and anyone in my condition could have missed it. I still maintain with the wife that I took it off and one of the kids put it back on. Damn kids, Sigh.

One person in the batting cage PLEASE!!!!

Molly, Gunnar and myself were out for our daily batting practice. We do tee work in the net first before going to the cages. Some how we were in the “beat the holy crap out of each other with a baseball bat mode.” First one was when Gunnar handed the bat over to Miss Molly handle first and she “somehow” knocked the batt back striking him the cheek bone, nothing makeup can’t hide. Then Gunnar was swinging his bat around and I ran into it with my left wrist. Swelling wasn’t too bad, only the size of a small golf ball. Then we headed over to the batting cages. I was in the one next to Molly giving her constructive instructions. Unknowns to me, Gunnar slipped into the batting cage I was in and starting taking full cuts to time the pitches that were going to Molly. One of those full cuts came around and generated a home run ringing sound off of my right wrist that quickly swelled up to the size of a tennis ball and became stiff. So there I was driving home with Gunnar with a bruised face and me with each wrist on fire from the swelling. Might have to pass on starting the traditional family hunting trips for a couple of maturing years. Did I mention his full cut swings generate in the Park home runs at his little league games.
Sigh

Gunnar and the true purpose of sliding shorts.

This is a Grandma story so I can only assume its true. Gunnar 7, was going to his first baseball game. He was playing in the league and at this level they used the pitching machine. To look the part 6 hours before game time he was in full uniform pants, socks, cleats, shirt, hat and elastic sliding shorts. He was serious and meant business. As Grandma was looking over his uniform she couldn’t help noticing the white elastic shorts so she asked him what those pants were for. Without missing a beat and a serious look of “come on Grandma” he responded, “They are for keeping the Girls out” She didn’t go any further with the questioning, enough said.

May have to move up the Father/Son talk sooner than I thought. Sigh

Joe's Homework or is it Dad's???

It was the normal screaming session of Joe vs Math and Dad. Things ended in the typical fashion of I am too tired why don’t you work out a few examples for me to look at in the morning. Being the good Dad I worked out most the problems but in a scribble manner on the backs of other worksheets. Enough detail that he should be able to figure out the problems.

Two days later I am sitting across the table and Parent/Teacher conference going over Joe’s math progress. Out of the blue the teacher pulls out from the middle of the stack a papers something that looks familiar. Yes the scribble I had done a few days earlier was apparently handed in as homework. I can not remember what I said to weasel out of that hot seat conversation but I promised myself never again would I work out the problems. On a happier note when I told the teacher I hadn’t had Geometry for 30 years and wasn’t sure I had explained it correctly, the teacher did say that I had done an excellent job and had a clear understanding of the material. Sigh

Dad's memory is like a steel trap

My theory is that years of raising kids can take a toll on ones health and memory. It was an exciting day, a day of shopping at Sam’s. As usually when you go in they ask for your card. Being the dedicated shopper I always have my card on top so as not to hold up the line. I send the wife and kids over to the snack bar while I did the shopping. It is amazing the more people you take the higher the bill. I had my shopping list of cheese and another $300 of spontaneous got to have its and head for the checkout. I open my wallet to present my card and nothing. I panic as I am slapping all my pockets trying to find it. I am starting to get looks from people in line. Cashier makes announcement for lost card but nothing. I have to head over to the customer service to get a new card. 20 min later I have my new card and I am back in line. Just then the lovely wife saddles up next to me and says, “Here is your card back” I asked in disbelief where in the hell did you get that from. From you honey, you handed it me. I might have as well handed her a $100 bill, no recollection of doing it or why I did it. Sigh. Crap where are my keys?

What crawled up and died

We had our NetFlix DVD for about 2 weeks because there was never time to watch but tonight was special. Joe was at a friends house and the 2 little ones were at a sleep over which just left me and the wife for self entertainment. It was 10:38pm, wife had just made a perfect bowl of popcorn. Had my coke with perfect slush ice in a frosty mug. Movie was starting and I had to make the comment to my wife, “I can’t believe Ashley hasn’t called today.” Swear to God 10 seconds later my cell phone rings. It’s Ashley and she needs a ride home. Something about she is locked out of her dorm room and her roommate wouldn’t wake up and let her in. I swear I had sent her off to College. Anyway on the ride home she start describing her dumps in the toilet being black with a smell that would peel paint off the wall. Some where while listening to this educational discussion of the gastrica workings I smell something that was dead. Cleaning up vomit had no affect on my gag reflexes but this was something of rotten dead meat. Something must have crawled up there and died. I had to finish the trip home with my head hanging out the window like a dog trying not to lose it.

I get settle back onto the couch and started the movie. 10 min into the movie I see my daughter crawling on the floor in front of the TV but she is lifting her leg for 5 sec like a male dog every 4-5 feet. I am thinking WTF then it hit me. Both me and the wife have left the house. Ashley said she had gas and that was the only way she could get rid of it. How does an evening start with no kids, coke in hand, bowl of popcorn and a DVD movie end of my daughter back home and my wife and I gasping for air outside of our house. DIDN’T I SEND HER OFF TO COLLEGE??
Sigh

I don't scratch

This is still part of the story where daughter Ashley spent 48 hours in my bed. During a brief moment of conscience she asked me to check her fever. Being the caring father that I was I obliged. Now I didn’t have my glasses on so my judging distance was off. When I touched her forehead it was more of a tap. Her reaction was that of crocs jaw come slamming down. With a scream she dug her nails deeply into my forearm before the slow and methodical rake across. This was not an unusual pain for me as I sometimes get that if the wife is not receptive that night but this seemed to be doing a lot of bleeding. Ya like 20 min worth as I kept pressure on it. That was 9 months ago and I still have the scaring of a rapist. When I tell people that all I did was touch her forehead, I get a lot of weird looks with a follow up question of “and where else” She claims she was asleep and doesn’t remember a thing but all I know is now I have 3 scars across my arm now. Didn’t she go off to college???
Sigh

No sickness here unless you count stomache flu

Every year we vote on who will not get sic and be the designated clean up vomit person. I am that person every year. Wife always has this notion that if you provide a vomit bowl that it will be used. With that in mind she places Gunnar on the couch with bowl on floor. I being the experienced vomit cleaner upper will tell you that is great in theory but you need to cover the coach and all the crevices. First blowing he managed to cover all three cushions and 6 crevices that went deep in the couch. Cleaning the tops of cushions after picking up the chunks was relatively easy. It was trying to get that that went down in the cracks in the back of the coach but hey being an expert and 2 hours later the project was done. All I need to do now was dry them out. Strategically I laid them out on and next to the luv seat.

Boy Gunnar not wanting to miss Ranger Walker parked himself later that day in the luv seat. 30 min later he blew not only all over the luv seat but on each vaulting of liquid hit all the cushions that I had just cleaned plus arm rests plus carpet. I had a thought on how to get rid of the massive chunks but it would have involved 2 hungry dogs. Next time, next time.

Same old same old, Molly goes to my bed, sits up and does her number all over blankets, Joe does a number on his sleeping bag. Wife actually used the toilet. College girl misses and covers toilet in green something and sets up camped out for 48hrs in my bed. I have asked this before but DIDN’T SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE????
Sigh

Who's calling please???

Really need some sleep, going to bed at 1:30am. Ringgggg Ringggg 2:28am daughter calling in to report that phone was dropped in toilet. Ringggg, Ringggggg 2:35am wants to know if she can trade out her phone with wife’s? NO Ring ring ring, 2:45am will they replace her phone with same model? WTF? are you for real its 2:45AM in the morning. DIDN’T SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE???
Sigh

Why are you here?

Midnight no sleep night before, must have sleep. Knock knock, ring ring ring doorbell 1:30am. Daughter at the door, needs a good night sleep so came home but too tired to use her key.
DIDNT SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE????
Sigh

Run away cart

I am pulling into Target and luck be with me I have a premo spot at the front of the store but as I am pulling in I notice that there is a cart in the front of the stall. If I pull all the way in, I should be okay. Plan is to pull in until I barely tap the cart. All is going well as I barely tap it. But then I notice that the carts front end is now slow swing out. Surely there is not enough slope for that thing to start rolling down hill. Oh there is slope and it is starting to pick up speed. Like in a horror film where the victim realizes he must get out of the car fast or be eaten, I throw it into park and frantically fumble with the seat belt that seems to be stuck. Cart is now 4 stalls away from broad siding some Cadillac. Finally I am out and racing wait no hobbling because of the slightly sprained ankle. Fighting through the pain I over take the cart stopping it short 5' from impact. I sort of expected a cheer or clapping from the spectators but most likely they were thinking WTF why was that old fat man in a polo fleece jacket racing across the parking lot for.
Sigh

Game of Chinese fire drill.

My wife and I am sure all wives have their red button. With mine it’s calling her by her mothers name and a helpful critique comment. If pushed, my life is hell for the next few hours. So normally she will not drive the car with me in it since some where down the line I will push the button with helpful comments like “brake, we’re going to die” Today she was driving because the van was in the shop and the backup was a clutch. I can’t drive a clutch due to my sprained ankle. We get to the 4 way stop and I am carefully monitoring who should go next, 3 cars then us. Apparently my wife thought no, screw those red necks in the pickup trucks, I am going. I pushed the button with “your not next” She slammed on the brakes and threw in the emergency brake. Her comment was “I am not driving” I thought well this can’t be good especially with 20 cars behind us, 5 o’clock traffic. She proceeds to get out of the car and comes around to my side. The thought of an angry 5'o clock traffic mob motivated me to get out with my sprained ankle. With the athleticism of a running back that has just pulled his Achilles tendon in full stride, I hop around the front of the car propping myself on the hood as I go. I throw myself butt first into the driver's seat but like normal my wife has left the seat 6" from the steering wheel. I am knocked back out onto my sprained ankle. I collapsed like sack of potatoes. From the ground I move the seat back and pull myself in. As I am driving off I was amazed that nobody honked at me but then again they were probably wondering if there was a part II to the show.
Sigh

Ya right Dad, it is gross

Son announces to me that his stool is plugged. Ya I will get to it later. Besides it was evening and I was tired so off to bed I went. Next morning son reports that Ashley had come home and even though he told her it was plugged, she did her business. So my scenario the next morning is plunging brown chunky soup with my faces inches from this delicacy. Several dry heaves later I am done. I ask her WTF and I thought you went off to college. Her comment “Ya it was pretty gross wasn’t it?” Sigh

What goes around comes around

I guess the old saying of what goes around comes around is true. When the kids were growing up, I would play absent minded driver. There was this stretch of road that ended with a hair pin 15mph curve. I would pretend to be distracted with the large beautiful houses on the right and not seeing the curve. The trick was to not start braking until I would hear the screams from the kids and sometimes the wife that we were going to die. Kids loved this for years. Well last week son Joe, 16, was driving that same stretch of road and hey if Dad can do it why can’t I. I was clueless to his thoughts until I noticed no braking action going on. I shot a quick glance at him only to see a smile on his face. This only increased the fear factor as I realized what trick he thought he was going to play out. Scenario is my son of 16 has 28 min of driving experience, 0 min of stunt experience, balled tires and no concept of his speed. Yes I was convinced this was not good. He over shot the turn but the anti lock brakes kicked in as the van floated to the outside of the turn. When I looked over at his face, he was white as a ghost. Must say I was really impressed with Anti-Lock Brake System. Sigh

It is not lunch but breakfast

I had made an especially good batch of beef stroganoff with steak sauteed onions and mushrooms in a red wine gravy. The left overs were going to make a great lunch, looking forward to it. When I get up in the morning a see my lunch with a fork in an empty tupperware container. I ask the wife WTF? Oh Ashley spent the night and was hungry. I don’t get it. I thought she was off to college. I see/feel her more now than when she was in High School. I really am beginning to believe those that say they change door locks when kids leave the house are serious.
Sigh

Gum and Dryer do not mix

I took pride in keeping our mega washer and dryer in tip top shape. Not sure what the thought process was but somebody threw in a wad of gum into the dryer and cranked it on high. You would think it would just be a blob, wrong. It flung and smeared the whole inside cavity of the drum. Took 90 min of scrubbing with barely legal chemicals to remove. Wife’s comment, “I thought that would be a good project for you” No, a good project would be soaking in my jacuzzi and downing a case of beer. Sigh