Run away cart

I am pulling into Target and luck be with me I have a premo spot at the front of the store but as I am pulling in I notice that there is a cart in the front of the stall. If I pull all the way in, I should be okay. Plan is to pull in until I barely tap the cart. All is going well as I barely tap it. But then I notice that the carts front end is now slow swing out. Surely there is not enough slope for that thing to start rolling down hill. Oh there is slope and it is starting to pick up speed. Like in a horror film where the victim realizes he must get out of the car fast or be eaten, I throw it into park and frantically fumble with the seat belt that seems to be stuck. Cart is now 4 stalls away from broad siding some Cadillac. Finally I am out and racing wait no hobbling because of the slightly sprained ankle. Fighting through the pain I over take the cart stopping it short 5' from impact. I sort of expected a cheer or clapping from the spectators but most likely they were thinking WTF why was that old fat man in a polo fleece jacket racing across the parking lot for.
Sigh

Game of Chinese fire drill.

My wife and I am sure all wives have their red button. With mine it’s calling her by her mothers name and a helpful critique comment. If pushed, my life is hell for the next few hours. So normally she will not drive the car with me in it since some where down the line I will push the button with helpful comments like “brake, we’re going to die” Today she was driving because the van was in the shop and the backup was a clutch. I can’t drive a clutch due to my sprained ankle. We get to the 4 way stop and I am carefully monitoring who should go next, 3 cars then us. Apparently my wife thought no, screw those red necks in the pickup trucks, I am going. I pushed the button with “your not next” She slammed on the brakes and threw in the emergency brake. Her comment was “I am not driving” I thought well this can’t be good especially with 20 cars behind us, 5 o’clock traffic. She proceeds to get out of the car and comes around to my side. The thought of an angry 5'o clock traffic mob motivated me to get out with my sprained ankle. With the athleticism of a running back that has just pulled his Achilles tendon in full stride, I hop around the front of the car propping myself on the hood as I go. I throw myself butt first into the driver's seat but like normal my wife has left the seat 6" from the steering wheel. I am knocked back out onto my sprained ankle. I collapsed like sack of potatoes. From the ground I move the seat back and pull myself in. As I am driving off I was amazed that nobody honked at me but then again they were probably wondering if there was a part II to the show.
Sigh

Ya right Dad, it is gross

Son announces to me that his stool is plugged. Ya I will get to it later. Besides it was evening and I was tired so off to bed I went. Next morning son reports that Ashley had come home and even though he told her it was plugged, she did her business. So my scenario the next morning is plunging brown chunky soup with my faces inches from this delicacy. Several dry heaves later I am done. I ask her WTF and I thought you went off to college. Her comment “Ya it was pretty gross wasn’t it?” Sigh

What goes around comes around

I guess the old saying of what goes around comes around is true. When the kids were growing up, I would play absent minded driver. There was this stretch of road that ended with a hair pin 15mph curve. I would pretend to be distracted with the large beautiful houses on the right and not seeing the curve. The trick was to not start braking until I would hear the screams from the kids and sometimes the wife that we were going to die. Kids loved this for years. Well last week son Joe, 16, was driving that same stretch of road and hey if Dad can do it why can’t I. I was clueless to his thoughts until I noticed no braking action going on. I shot a quick glance at him only to see a smile on his face. This only increased the fear factor as I realized what trick he thought he was going to play out. Scenario is my son of 16 has 28 min of driving experience, 0 min of stunt experience, balled tires and no concept of his speed. Yes I was convinced this was not good. He over shot the turn but the anti lock brakes kicked in as the van floated to the outside of the turn. When I looked over at his face, he was white as a ghost. Must say I was really impressed with Anti-Lock Brake System. Sigh

It is not lunch but breakfast

I had made an especially good batch of beef stroganoff with steak sauteed onions and mushrooms in a red wine gravy. The left overs were going to make a great lunch, looking forward to it. When I get up in the morning a see my lunch with a fork in an empty tupperware container. I ask the wife WTF? Oh Ashley spent the night and was hungry. I don’t get it. I thought she was off to college. I see/feel her more now than when she was in High School. I really am beginning to believe those that say they change door locks when kids leave the house are serious.
Sigh

Gum and Dryer do not mix

I took pride in keeping our mega washer and dryer in tip top shape. Not sure what the thought process was but somebody threw in a wad of gum into the dryer and cranked it on high. You would think it would just be a blob, wrong. It flung and smeared the whole inside cavity of the drum. Took 90 min of scrubbing with barely legal chemicals to remove. Wife’s comment, “I thought that would be a good project for you” No, a good project would be soaking in my jacuzzi and downing a case of beer. Sigh

1 for the money 2 to get ready & 3 for the SHOW

One more reason the room should be dark for those intimate moments. Our house is setup with our bedroom and dining room connecting to the deck. One morning wife and I were having one of those moments and yes the door was locked. Apparently the shades were opened enough on the deck that the 2 dogs could see. The two were looking in but big deal, they are dogs. Wait or is that 3 dogs I see. No its 2 dogs and Gunnar. Apparently Gunnar was in the dinning room and was curious why the dogs were looking into our bed room so he joined in on the viewing. Afterwards as mom was explaining the show to Gunnar, I pretty much left when the explanation turned to trying to explain why daddy was sleeping on top of mom. And no, amazingly he never spoke of the incident again. A doctor in the family told us it’s the bodies safety mechanism to block out pyscholgical trauma. Sigh

Ashley's Luv for her roommates

I will say that daughter Ashley does entertain with her phone calls. One call that I got was garbled, something about pot, smoke and the police came. Due to the luv she has for her roommates she informed her dorm RA that there was a strange smell coming from her room. Ya like pot, call the cops. By the time cops showed up exhaust fans and steamy shower had removed the smell from the room.
Sigh

Jacuzzi, beer & a happy wife

I had been to the doctor earlier in the day with a twisted ankle. I was thinking how good it was going to feel in the next 2 hours when I was going to soak in the jacuzzi and down a case of beer. As I turned on the sink in the kitchen all I got was cold maybe room temp water. “Ashley”, damn she lives in the dorms, where did she come from? I didn’t hear the shower running. I quickly call her on her cell. “Ya dad I took a shower at your house but the water pressure was low so the shower took longer”. Ya longer until the 50gal water tank was empty. No jacuzzi, no beer, and no loose wife that night. Again I thought I had sent her off to college.
Sigh

Open the car door please

This is why I fear auto shutting car doors. Everyone was piling in but a apparently Molly decided that she was not going to let Gunnar get in on her side to cross over. So while they are having an intelligent debate on his request, unbeknownst to Gunnar Granny had started the automatic door closer. So there he is standing outside of the Van with his hand shut in the door. I don’t think he contemplated the situation fully until mom heard his faint pleas of “my hand”. Pandemonium broke out as everyone was screaming for Grandma to open the door. Grandma not understanding the random screams only froze in the act. I think at this point Gunnar realized this might not turn out good with his hand disappearing in the shut door. Finally someone got the door open. Fortunately he only wore crease marks on his hand, nothing broke. His comment was only “WHAT TOOK SO LONG!!” If this had happened to his sister Molly, we would been in ER. Sigh.

Your hair seems fuller to night

Typical 14 hour day for me at work. I took a nice hot shower and knowing that the wife had just put on clean flannel sheets decided no PJs tonigh, that’s right the buff. As I slid into bed I noticed too that the wife had taken a shower, the mood was set. Just needed to finish a thought and zzzzzz. After a brief 5 hour resting of the eyes, I started to hold my wife. Wow the hair seemed fuller and longer and darker and F____! Its my daughter. So the story goes that she had been partying and got confused so when my wife left she took her spot in bed. Lesson learned, never assume the women in your bed is the women you started off with, sigh.

Flag Football, the Safe Sport

The 6 year old is now into Flag football, a new concept from the backyard tackle with 11 and 15year olds. It was the first game and he was pumped up. He had been coached to crash through the line and get the person with the ball. Quarterback takes the hike, Gunnar is off. Knocking several kids to the ground he is through the line. I am screaming “Gunnar get him”. QB hands off to a girl RB. Now I scream “Gunnar get her.” He hits her a drops her like a sack of potatoes. Crowd starts muttering who was that kid? Now realizing this wasn’t tackle but a friendly game of touch flag football my chants of “Get her” turn to “ya who was that kid?” The crying girl is lead off the field holding her arm while Gunnar is getting a talk from the umpire, “Ya who was that kid.”
Sigh

Cliford Notes Please

Now I didn’t think this to be unusual but others thought I had lost touch with reality. Daughter was having trouble with a College Math class so being on Campus already, I started going to the lecturers and taking notes for her. It’s not like am chauffeuring her around from class to class like her mom, geeez.

Dorm Room Service Please

I thought my biggest challenge was getting my HighSchool daughter out of my bed, I was wrong. Now that she is in college and living the dorm life she has developed new expectations, “DORM SERVICE” please.

I am heading out for racketball at 10:15pm when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call. Tuna sandwich, lite on mayo, lettuce, cheese and black cracked pepper, bag of chips and a chilled diet coke and could you get that here by 10:30pm. Wife tells me, “Do it.” Sigh

Crawling into bed at 12:10am comfy and all when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, daughter had to park out in the bad lands parking lot and needs an escort, “Do it.”, she says.

8:10pm just got home and am enjoying my warmed over dinner when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, bring pink shirt for sorority by 8:30, big function, wife says, “Do it”.

Just settled in with a Chuck Norris show at 11:15pm when “Dorm Service”, laptop is having network problems and paper is due tomorrow. Ya, ya, I know “Do it.” And to think she could have gone to another school far away from my house but at least she is not in my bed.

No More Pitching from the Knees

I now know why they won’t let people over 40 adopt babies. Kids are too hard on our bodies. I am 45 and will be 60 when the last ones out. With 4 kids and their chaos some how I forget about events that are potential injury. Gunnar was wanting to practice baseball before baseball tryouts. Did the usually and lug down to the field the net, bucket of balls, bat bag, 20lb hitting tee and started practice. After successful completing the hitting drills, Gunnar was excited to have live hitting, pitches from the old man. Soon he was disappointed as it is hard for a 6' person to pitch down to a 6yr old, too much arch. Remembering from my younger days as a coach, we would pitch from our knees. Make sense, you are now right at their level. I backed away 30' feet away from the plate and start pitching. One after another he smacked fly balls into the out field. I was really impressed with his swing, the pivot of his hips and the power he was putting on it. When the ball is sailing high in the air one doesn’t realize how fast it is really traveling, soon for me to find out. Next pitch I instructed for him to have a more level swing when meeting the ball. He obliges on the next swing with a line drive up the middle. My cat like reflexes are replaced with a rigamortis response. Lucky for me the ball missed my head but slowed down on my ankle then between the legs. I have been hit down there so many times I was only laid out for 20 seconds. All I could hear as I slumped over was Gunnar cheering with excitement as if he had won a carnival ride, he was beaming with pride. Practice was over but I was thinking, next time I will get Joe to pitch on his knees, he is young and he never reads the blog.

Four in a Bed, no Problem

Other than almost dying from Ashley’s driving we make it to Iowa for the reunion. Wife was not going so that left Molly with the aunt and Joe, Ashley and Gunnar in one room with me. Turns out instead of 2 queens there was a pullout and one King. Everyone voted themselves to the King. Confident that my alpha male qualities would be enough to direct people to their proper beds when the time came, I didn’t give it much thought. By 9:00pm it was apparent I was in trouble. Gunnar had already crashed out in the middle of the King and Ashley was lying on the edge. Joe was just coming out of the shower, the air was tense, I could sense that people were going to realize hey there isn’t enough room for all of us in the King. I decided not to go to the bathroom and make my move instead. With the athleticism of a linebacker making a dive on the QB, I cleared Gunnar and most of Ashley, clothes on and all. Then all hell broke loose, like a mad scramble for a loose football. With me in a dominate center of the bed position Joe and Ashley quickly claimed the outer edges of the bed. Pleases, threats and logical arguments had no affect, they were there for the night. For this arrangement to work I had to sleep/lay on my side with clothes on along with my full bladder. Ashley about 20min into the ordeal launched a barrage of nasty farts not to be unchallenged with my own volley. Nobody left and now we all suffered the stench of sweat and farts. Somehow I feel asleep, I think, but at 2:10am had a strong urge for the bathroom. With everyone asleep I should be out and back undetected. I carefully slid myself up and down off the bed undetected. As I was trying to figure out how I could sleep in my 18" gap of a bed there was a sound of a shift. Bodies that were once ridged and straight retracted into a fetal position. My space disappeared, gone. I was driven off to the in-laws bed, the pullout for the rest of the night. Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Studying Late Techniques

It was a long weekend and Ashley need a “little” help on math. That meant, “I didn’t understand the Russian Guy and there is 50 problems due tomorrow.” The plan was that I would work them out and she could reference my work as she did the problems. I must have gotten to ingrossed to notice that she had slipped away and had fallen asleep. Well it was late for a freshman, 3:00am. This aint highschool anymore, Freshman, Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Needs Ride

Ashley is now in College as a Freshman. A time where they can focus on there independence from there parents. I know this as I am reminded all the time from my daughter on how she is so done with us and she is on her own, well when its convenient. My wife was picking me up to take me up from work at the university to a 9:30 doc appt. When she picks me up she said she has to pick up our beloved Ashely. I say for what. Wife reports that Ashley called her for ride from one building to the next. By walking a 6 min walk, by car with crosswalk traffic, 15-20min. Oh and she instructed my wife to by back at 10:30 because she needed a ride to another class. Sigh, Freshman.

But It Is Not A Double Line

Joey, Ashley and myself were on our way to Iowa. Some how I found my self on the back road, Highway 2 heading East with my daughter driving. This is a hilly area, steep short hills, very hard to pass on. About 30 min into this near death experience we come across someone doing the speed limit but being a teenager driver this was unacceptable and they must be passed. As I noticed she was casually moving over into the passing lane at the bottom of the hill, we were passing the “No Passing” sigh. I scream at her to get back over, she yells back “why?” I scream with the intensity of we are going to die scream “Get Back Over” As we pull back over I count 3 seconds before I see a white pickup truck cresting the hill coming our way. I am guessing that had we continued our course of death she would have been maybe half a car length ahead in her pass when we would have confront the other truck 300 feet in front of us or with combined speeds, 2 seconds before impact. None of my analysis sunk in, she was more focused that the solid yellow line was not double and why couldn’t she have passed. Sigh

Oh Please Let Me Be Drunk, Dad

So I was coming home from a friendly drink at the local pub when the sirens lit up behind the soccer van I was driving. I had only had 2 beers and that was over and hour ago and being a big guy of 250lbs I would have had more of a buzz from a swig of mouth wash than I had right at the moment.
“Sir, have you been drinking?” Why yes, 2 to be exact. “I am only asking as I noticed the strong alcohol as I approached the car.” I am thinking to myself, does this Copper have a nose of a Canine or what? “Sir please step out of the vehicle, the reason I pulled you over was for a headlight out.” Common theme for me, headlights out and cops. As he directs me toward the front of the car I can tell he is watching my natural athletic posture as I walk. Next thing I hear is “Mike I am going to need backup, I have a big one here” I am thinking please don’t have this end up with me in a fetal position on the ground with a tazer wire sticking out of me. He gives me the basic touch your nose and watch your eyes as he moves the pen, this is the pre sobriety test. Keep in mind there are flood lights in the parking lot in front blinding me and I have not had sleep in 3 weeks. “Sir I am going to fail you on your pre-tests. You hare having trouble touching your nose, your eyes are bouncing, you have slurred speech and strong alcohol on your breath.” I tell him that I feel just fine. He explains that you could drink 1 oz of beer and have a .0005% but fail the test making you impaired under the influence. He said most likely he was going to have to take me in for being under the influence of alcohol but wanted to wrap it up with the breath analyzer. As he was giving it to me, I started thinking that it really doesn’t matter what your blood level is but whether you can past the test and if I had already failed the test then my excuse better be alcohol and not just you are inherently to impaired to drive, ever! Test come back, he has a puzzled look and said, “you are at .01, have a good night sir.” Ten seconds later, he and his backup are gone leaving me standing there thanking my lucky stars that I had an excuse for failing, alcohol.
Lesson learned, make sure car lights lights work if you are going out drinking. Sigh.