No hitting Please

Being the courteous driver that I am, I like to listen to suggestions on driving from my family passengers but sometime the women in my car can over do it. So I have my whole family, all 5 of them coming back from church in the van. I start to slow down for a turn and all of a sudden its pandemonium in the van. Screaming, and shouts of stop. I am trying to process such helpful suggestions when the beatings start, arms and fists start raining down on me. My mind is racing wildly that I am dragging someone from the car and I need to stop. As I stop in the middle of the road my wife lands a punch on the side of the head at that point I think I hear “fingers caught in the window.” True I had just rolled up the windows up a few minutes earlier. I am now frantically trying to hit all the windows buttons in the down position while fighting off the mob which now the 18 yr old daughter has joined in with. Apparently I had rolled the window up on the 5yrs fingers. Dang a simple, “fingers caught in window” would have sufficed.
Sigh.

X-mas lights would have been nice

So it is that time of the year to put up the Christmas tree. My wife goes out and brings home a tree that has a fat 9" truck with knots but hey 45 min of sawing and I get the tree up and ready for decorating. The wife pulls out the 7 strands of knotted lights. It is tradition for wife and husband to spend the next hour untangling lights. This year luck was with us as all 6 strands worked. The wife spent the next 1-hour layering on the lights followed by a layer of decorations. Done the wife calls in all 4 kids for the viewing of the lights. With everyone gathered around the tree such as in Clark Griswald Christmas Vacation we were gitty with anticipation for the flipping on the switch to the X-mas lights. Viola the lights came on, all 7 strands. We broke into song as we held hands together. My children became so involved that they jumped high in the air but when they landed with a thud all the lights went out. Sadness fell on the kids' faces and furry filled my wife's face. My wife went nuts on the tree and ripped the lights off saying screw this. I worked 2 fuckin hours on this for this. Another hour later I noticed the fuse was blown on the first strand of the lights plus the fact all 6 lights were on one outlet. So we redid the tree going from one 6 strands to 2 strands of 3 lights then plugging them into their own outlet, now everything was working, finally. The next morning I notice instead of 2 strands plugged into an outlet of their own they were plugged into each other into one outlet like the night the fuse blew. Son’s response I thought you were wasting an outlet plug so I plugged them all together. Sigh.

5yr old gets his first Motorcycle

Well I was running out of material for the blog so the Uncle obligated and bought my 5yr old a 50cc motorcycle. I wasn't there but the incident was reported as follows. The boy was out in the Uncle's backyard riding around getting the hang of things for the past hour. Uncle looked away for 5 sec giving my boy the chance he was looking for, the jump. Adjoining the yards there is a 5 foot rock wall cliff. With throttle wide open and a determined look on his face he raced toward the jump. All the Aunt saw from the window was her husband streaking across the backyard with my 8yr daughter screaming the boys name. Being a doctor and all she felt compelled to go assess the situation. It was like an Evil Knievel stunt gone bad. Apparently he got sideways on the approach and slid down the rock face gouging the helmet on the way down but luckily his head stopped his fall. Once again he cheats the ER and avoids a visit. A little shaken but he was ready again. Uncle voted next time it was going to be in a big pasture with no cliffs. All I can say to my sister now if I am ever criticized on my child care is “well at least I didn’t let them drive off a cliff.”

Do it yourself home kit

Warning, this post is a graphical and is not for faint of heart but the story must be told to warn others.

So there I was sitting down on the throne and enjoying 5min of rare peace while I read the paper. After about 30 sec. of enjoyment I started to notice a tinkling sensation from the boys down below. Another 30 sec went by and it became more of a burning sensation, like 5 hundred fire ants biting. This quickly went from ants to "I am on fire". As I rocketed off the seat I noticed the boys were covered in a blue foam, like the stuff you use to clean the toilet. I raced to the sink and hoisted them in and frantically try spraying them off. It took 10 min of continuous running water to finally kill off the pain. Somewhere during the screams and the spraying my wife yells through the door "Don't use the toilet, I am cleaning it" And here I spent all that money on my procedure at the doctors office a couple of years ago when I could have so easily used the home kit method for chemical castration.
Sigh

Hey Dad, Something's wrong with my bathroom

I had finished off the brand new bathroom early that year for my high maintenance 17yr old daughter. Tonight as I started to think about starting to relax she says, "hey dad, I think there is something wrong with my bathroom, you need to come look at it." Sigh alright, as I walk in to my master piece of carpentry work I gazed upon a scene of carnage. It looks like a violent murder took place minus the blood. Most light bulbs were burnt out, brand new wall heater burnt up, towel racks ripped from the wall with the pieces strewn over bathroom floor, shower hand snapped off, holes and gouges decorated the walls. Good thing I spent so much time on mudding and painting them too. I asked her WTF happened here. Got the typical response of "I don't know Dad, it just broke"
Sigh

Oh by the way .....

We were on a car trip to KC to meet up with some relatives for dinner and we were running behind so every minute counted. Without the DVD system hooked up in the car the kids were behaving as expected, hitting, throwing objects and just plain old high pitched screams. But I was not down because I had a nice restaurant waiting for me with my name on it. Just me and the gourmet buffet in a relaxing environment. We hit Lawrence planning on cutting over to highway 10. As I was heading down the main drag I was required to make a few aggressive lane changes to make the lights. About halfway through the precision driving moves, lights start flashing behind me. Surely they are for someone else, no, they are following me. Wife starts pounding my shoulder screaming its my fault for my aggressive male driving. After I pull over, sitting there my wife stops the beating and calmly says, "oh by the way, one of the headlights are out." Sigh, sure enough the officer walks up and informs me I have a headlight out and he will need license, registration, & proof of insurance and walks back to his car. As I start looking in our pouch that so anally keep all our insurance and registration info I start to panic since all I see is 2004 and some 2005 information. My wife informs me that our 17yr old daughter a month earlier was looking for her car registration and most likely she had pulled all that information out of my car. Cop came back asked for the information only to hear me say , "I think my daughter pulled it out of my car" Hoping to hear a that’s okay I get a "that is not good, please wait here" Kids upon hearing that cheerful news start asking in excited voices, "is daddy going to jail?, is daddy going to jail?" After another 28 min he comes back and gives me a fix it on the light and lets me off with a warning on the lack of insurance and registration. Personally I think he had pitty on me.

We amazingly get to the restaurant before the rest of my family gets there and I decide this would be a good time to go fix the headlight and get the cops to sign off on it on our way back to Mahattan. I ask the receptionist at the restaurant where a Walmart was. She said just go down Metcalf and hang a right on Shawnee Mission and there it will be on your right. Sweet and off I go. Little did I know, women have no time conception when it comes to driving to their shopping destinations. Going down Metcalf meant drive 12 miles for 20 minutes and the left on mission meant drive another 13 miles for 22 minutes. I make it to the automotive counter just as they officially closed 2 minutes earlier. I pleaded my whole story to the cashier and I don't know if it was pitty on me or she was afraid I was going to repeat my whole sad story again starting with the first punch that was thrown back on our driveway. Headlight fixed I rush back to the restaurant and hour and 20min later only to find the family finishing up on dessert and the restaurant closes in 10 min so I was informed I would need to eat fast.
Sigh

Kids and Their Timing

So I had done all the rights things for the little lady on my Sunday honey do list since I was promised to be rewarded that night. Time came, it was about 11:45pm when we started getting funky when bam, our door is flunk open and in marches my 17 yr daughter who proceeds to march around the bed to my wife’s side and jump in. She quickly pulled the covers up over head oblivious to me scrambling to put clothes on. Wife starts hit me saying why didn't you lock the door and I am saying why do we have a 17yr daughter in our bed. Once I get enough clothes on I go around to were my daughter is to ask "WTF are you doing here?" She mumbles something about throwing up and this is the only place she can sleep. That pretty much capped the evening with a daughter in your bed that could throw up.
Sigh

Hey Dad look at my Killings

My 15yr old who is a wanta be hunter was so proud when he called me upstairs to show me his killing collection. Look dad he exclaims I killed them all. Yep you sure did. All 59 moths dotted along a section of wall that I had recently repainted. Kids are job security, job security.Sigh

Women and Cars

Wife came home from a hard days work and as I greeted her on the drive way I noticed a wisp of smoke coming from the car hood. I asked her if the car was okay and she responded seems to run. As I got closer I could see green fluid running from out from underneath the car. When I started it up it made a horrible grinding noise presumably its going to be the water pump. What is it with women and cars? If it runs then there is no problem to report. 1. Sign

Why Bother?

So I am feverishly trying to get my new yard in the front of the house done as I am days away from it being too late in the season to plant. It had to be done today before it rains. I probably spent 3 hours hauling in the dirt and meticulous smoothing and leveling it out the evening before. I had to use a long 2x4 and level but I finally got the slope I needed. I did tell my wife that the dogs could not be let out in front. Translation for my wife must have been, let the dogs out front to dig around in the dirt. When I was leaving for work the next morning my yard looked liked the landscape of WWII shelling with bomb craters everywhere. Too late to fix as it is starting to rain now, maybe next year. Sigh

Lets have a Family meal.

Alright so my wife wants to have a family meal like the Waltons with all six of us at the same time in close proximity of each other eating. Sounds good on paper so I set it up for Sunday night. Were having pot roast, potatoes, carrots, gravy. Other than the occasional flinging of bread at each other things were going pretty well until. My daughter mouths off about my wife sneaking out on the deck. We all know what that meant, wife was sneaking a cig. and nobody is suppose to know about it. Wife retorts back with a quick "shut up" with a response from my 7yr old daughter, mom you smoke. Little 5 year old boy asks if mommy is now going to die? Mom's blood pressure is starting to raise as she quickly denies she smokes. Dad, that's me, then asks, "is mommy a smoker?" Kids all respond with "oooouuu, mommy's a smoker" At this point mommy was frantically screaming shut up, shut up with the 17yr daughter laughing harder and harder on every shut up. Then I screwed up, I laughed also at the mommy show. Mom starting heading for what I guessed as a water glass so I started chanting we love mommy, we love mommy but too late. Water was destined to be showered on me. Unfortunately it also landed on my 5yr old son next to me who got upset. Mom went over to comfort him as he started turning on me since I think he thought I did the water show. I quickly told him mom threw the water. Fire entered his eyes as he quickly filled both of his hands with mommy's breasts and squeezed as hard as he could. Did I mention she had a biopts on one and they were still black and bruised? Anyway mom howls in pain, screaming her nipples are bleeding and is racing around the table holding her injured mammories. Since I knew there was no chance in hell that I was getting any tonight, I closed the meal with "Yes we need more togetherness with family meals."
Sigh

There is Dad's way then there is my 15yr old's way

So we got us a lab puppy and I was in the process of house training it. Procedure was to keep it in his carry and first thing in the morning I would quickly throw him out the door so he could do his # 1's and 2's. Well my son decided his strategy would be to just let the puppy out and head off to school. When I came out of the shower I was already running 10 min behind schedule only find the dog has now pissed all over the carpet and sofa, found 7 pairs of shoes, 5 socks, 4 dolls, 3 hats, 2 jackets and 1 purse to chew on and was working on pushing out a #2. Took me 30 min to get the steam vac out and cleanup the train of piss. I asked my son when he got home WTF was he thinking. His response, "puppy looked like he wanted out." Ya, to piss on my carpet.
Sigh

Dad lets switch cars

We were at church and my daughter claimed there was something wrong with her car, clutch was floppy. I told her that I would drive it home and she could take the van. I got in her car and sure enough the clutch had no catch to it. I jumped out of the car to get my van back but too late. Daughter had already started the van. I dashed across the parking lot in sprint which probably wasn't that fast for a fat man but all I got was tail lights as my daughter squelled out of the parking lot. I could have caught her at the stop sign but what young females have time to stop for stop signs. I was forced back to the red car to see if I could get it to the shop. I was in the luck, I found about a quarter of an inch of clutch left to do all my shifting in. Had quite the gathering for an audience as I chirped and stalled the car trying to get it in 1st. Aftering waiting an hour and the repair shop because my daughter turned off the cell phone I gave her I asked, "why in the hell would you drive off if you knew the car might be undrivable?" Something about we were all hungry. I also asked when did this master clutch cylinder problem start. She said it had started about 2 weeks ago but it still was sort of working so she didn't tell me then. I tell ya women will drive a car until it physically won't move anymore.
Sigh

Thanks for cleaning the carpet

I am not sure why I bother but every once in a while I can't stand filth and I clean the carpets. Spent 4 hours cleaning the upstair carpets but it was worth it. Carpets went from dark grey to a newer looking gray color. I left the carpets unguarded for I don't know 4 min as I was out on the deck feeding the dogs. Wife comes home with the kids annoucing they are hungry and need to be fed. As I walk back in a see carpets are cover in mud from their returned outing. Wife said ya their shoes got a little dirty while they were playing at the park. Never mind why we wouldn't take our shoes off at the door when we have Dad who cleans our messes up. Next day son lets pup out of cage and insteading carrying him outside he lets the dog run onto the carpet so that added more mess/smell to the carpet. When I complain I get from wife just clean the carpets this weekend, that is part of having kids.
Sigh

Where is the common sense?

Seems like I have a lot of toilet issues but my family thrives on them. I have just settled down on the coach at 10:00pm to enjoy a little SciFi TV after a long day of yard work when I hear my wife scream out there is water covering the bathroom floor. She thinks it came from the toilet. I said can't be because the hose is broken and I had turned off the water to the toilet and had pulled the heavy tank lid off. Apparently my daughter is smart enough to come back in after me and turn on the water and watch the cool water fountain as it fills the bathroom floor up. So not only do have the hose to repair but it ruined the baseboards on the floor, another weekend project.
Sigh

Son as a mechanic

Somewhere down the road my oil cap had come off the van. I used a rag to stuff down in there while I waited for the cap I ordered to come in. As I walk out of the house instead of my 15 yr old watering the plants he had popped the hood and was cleaning off the engine. I can only hope not too much water soaked through the rag.
Sigh

Sorry Daddy

Its not often that I get a Father days gift but this year they bought me a traveling sports fold out chair for their beloved dad. Instead of standing at all the games and practices I could actually sit down, rest and enjoy. I had unwisely left it unguarded in the yard so when my son was mowing he just threw it aside, aside meaning behind his sister's car. In horror I watched as my daughter in typical female fashion gunned it and started down the driveway. She look at me oblivious as I was screaming like a mad man to stop. Bamm crunch, rear tires rolled over it. I started repeatedly slamming my hands on the car to get her to stop, well at least slow down, crunch as front tires roll over it. I screamed "why in the hell didn't you stop?" Response was something about she was in a hurry and couldn't see any reason why she should stop like I was asking her to.
Sigh

Hey is that Daddy's new knife set?

Hey leave it to boys to figure out the real purpose of knives. So I got back from the trade show and of course was conned into buying the complete set of Miracle knives, all 12. As I was putting up the groceries so I could examine my new “Miracle” blade of sharpness, I hear yelling and clashing of metal. In horror I see my complete set of knives strewn across the couch. The boys are playing I don’t know what, swords or kill me if you can cause there are a lot of damn sharp knives here to choose from. Never mind the fact they will slice through tough shoe leather. Damn kids, well any knife fight that doesn’t end up in the ER is a good day.
Sigh

Someone Hates Dave

When I loaded up my first freezer with a couple hundred dollars of meat, it failed with a total lost. Then I get me a nice Kenmore and load it up with $200 worth of pork. It got confused and thawed all my meat out while on vacation. I had it checked out and the guy says it is in perfect order, ya right. So now I loaded it up with $800 of beef and when I get back from vacation there is a pool of blood on my garage floor. Did its thaw thing again, man someone hates me.
Sigh
PS Insurance pays the first $250 in losses

Faster than screamin "SHARK"

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and the kids have joined the masses swimming in the indoor pool. I am sitting along the side reading the paper, relaxing and eating my doughnut. Kids are having a blast in the pool and all is well. As I was reading the sports section I start hearing a strange water noise, sort of like dripping water. I start looking a round and I see from the ceiling a trail of water running off the ceiling. By now everyone in the pool is looking up at the ceiling trying to figure out if that was from a cannonball splash from the fat kid or what.. Just then the 5yr old comes bursting into the pool area, “Daddy, the stool is overflowing and wont stop.” It was like screaming shark at the beach. There was screaming and pandemonium as people where scurrying to get out of the pool.
Sigh