Dad lets switch cars

We were at church and my daughter claimed there was something wrong with her car, clutch was floppy. I told her that I would drive it home and she could take the van. I got in her car and sure enough the clutch had no catch to it. I jumped out of the car to get my van back but too late. Daughter had already started the van. I dashed across the parking lot in sprint which probably wasn't that fast for a fat man but all I got was tail lights as my daughter squelled out of the parking lot. I could have caught her at the stop sign but what young females have time to stop for stop signs. I was forced back to the red car to see if I could get it to the shop. I was in the luck, I found about a quarter of an inch of clutch left to do all my shifting in. Had quite the gathering for an audience as I chirped and stalled the car trying to get it in 1st. Aftering waiting an hour and the repair shop because my daughter turned off the cell phone I gave her I asked, "why in the hell would you drive off if you knew the car might be undrivable?" Something about we were all hungry. I also asked when did this master clutch cylinder problem start. She said it had started about 2 weeks ago but it still was sort of working so she didn't tell me then. I tell ya women will drive a car until it physically won't move anymore.
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Thanks for cleaning the carpet

I am not sure why I bother but every once in a while I can't stand filth and I clean the carpets. Spent 4 hours cleaning the upstair carpets but it was worth it. Carpets went from dark grey to a newer looking gray color. I left the carpets unguarded for I don't know 4 min as I was out on the deck feeding the dogs. Wife comes home with the kids annoucing they are hungry and need to be fed. As I walk back in a see carpets are cover in mud from their returned outing. Wife said ya their shoes got a little dirty while they were playing at the park. Never mind why we wouldn't take our shoes off at the door when we have Dad who cleans our messes up. Next day son lets pup out of cage and insteading carrying him outside he lets the dog run onto the carpet so that added more mess/smell to the carpet. When I complain I get from wife just clean the carpets this weekend, that is part of having kids.
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Where is the common sense?

Seems like I have a lot of toilet issues but my family thrives on them. I have just settled down on the coach at 10:00pm to enjoy a little SciFi TV after a long day of yard work when I hear my wife scream out there is water covering the bathroom floor. She thinks it came from the toilet. I said can't be because the hose is broken and I had turned off the water to the toilet and had pulled the heavy tank lid off. Apparently my daughter is smart enough to come back in after me and turn on the water and watch the cool water fountain as it fills the bathroom floor up. So not only do have the hose to repair but it ruined the baseboards on the floor, another weekend project.
Sigh

Son as a mechanic

Somewhere down the road my oil cap had come off the van. I used a rag to stuff down in there while I waited for the cap I ordered to come in. As I walk out of the house instead of my 15 yr old watering the plants he had popped the hood and was cleaning off the engine. I can only hope not too much water soaked through the rag.
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Sorry Daddy

Its not often that I get a Father days gift but this year they bought me a traveling sports fold out chair for their beloved dad. Instead of standing at all the games and practices I could actually sit down, rest and enjoy. I had unwisely left it unguarded in the yard so when my son was mowing he just threw it aside, aside meaning behind his sister's car. In horror I watched as my daughter in typical female fashion gunned it and started down the driveway. She look at me oblivious as I was screaming like a mad man to stop. Bamm crunch, rear tires rolled over it. I started repeatedly slamming my hands on the car to get her to stop, well at least slow down, crunch as front tires roll over it. I screamed "why in the hell didn't you stop?" Response was something about she was in a hurry and couldn't see any reason why she should stop like I was asking her to.
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Hey is that Daddy's new knife set?

Hey leave it to boys to figure out the real purpose of knives. So I got back from the trade show and of course was conned into buying the complete set of Miracle knives, all 12. As I was putting up the groceries so I could examine my new “Miracle” blade of sharpness, I hear yelling and clashing of metal. In horror I see my complete set of knives strewn across the couch. The boys are playing I don’t know what, swords or kill me if you can cause there are a lot of damn sharp knives here to choose from. Never mind the fact they will slice through tough shoe leather. Damn kids, well any knife fight that doesn’t end up in the ER is a good day.
Sigh

Someone Hates Dave

When I loaded up my first freezer with a couple hundred dollars of meat, it failed with a total lost. Then I get me a nice Kenmore and load it up with $200 worth of pork. It got confused and thawed all my meat out while on vacation. I had it checked out and the guy says it is in perfect order, ya right. So now I loaded it up with $800 of beef and when I get back from vacation there is a pool of blood on my garage floor. Did its thaw thing again, man someone hates me.
Sigh
PS Insurance pays the first $250 in losses

Faster than screamin "SHARK"

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and the kids have joined the masses swimming in the indoor pool. I am sitting along the side reading the paper, relaxing and eating my doughnut. Kids are having a blast in the pool and all is well. As I was reading the sports section I start hearing a strange water noise, sort of like dripping water. I start looking a round and I see from the ceiling a trail of water running off the ceiling. By now everyone in the pool is looking up at the ceiling trying to figure out if that was from a cannonball splash from the fat kid or what.. Just then the 5yr old comes bursting into the pool area, “Daddy, the stool is overflowing and wont stop.” It was like screaming shark at the beach. There was screaming and pandemonium as people where scurrying to get out of the pool.
Sigh

If it looks like fecal it probably is

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and of course the kids have used all the towels except for one. My lovely wife takes her shower and uses the last one. I ask her where her towel is. I am thinking how dirty could a towel be if used to dry off a clean person? She tells me its dirty, whatever. Women can be so modest. I find the towel and again I might have heard, “its dirty” but with a quick shake I hang it up to dry as I climb in for my shower. I did notice a couple of brown stains but being in a hotel who knows what stains become permanent. Sometime later in the day the stain observation comes out and she confuses that she put the poop stains on the towel. In horror I ask why didn’t you tell me. Her response was she did by saying they were dirty. It would have been too crass for a women to say she had “shitted” on the towel.
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The real story of dropping the baby

So it was requested what the story was with dropping my now 15yr son on his head as a baby. Not sure if the wife knows about the “real” version. My son was about 5mos and cute as a button. We were getting ready to leave and I had gotten him all dressed up and in his carrier. Wife not being ready which is expected, I sat the carrier on the counter. Being the cautious dad I was, I placed him in the middle and at the far end on the counter. In my defense this was a slick ceramic tile. So as he was sucking on his thumb I noticed a fly buzzing around. Being a typical male needing something to kill I went after it with a relentless effort with my towel. There he was on the cabinet right above my son just sitting there, waiting to be taken out with my mighty towel. I gathered all my strength and delivered a all out swing of a blow. Blamm, took the fly out but my follow through sort of caught the top part of the carrier handle. Did I mention the counter top was slick, anyway the boy and his carrier took of like one of those test rocket sleds down the track. In horror I watched as he quickly cover the 4' of counter space to the 3.5' drop off. I know he might have only been 6mos old but I swore I heard his first word as he went over the edge “dad?” The next thing I heard was a horrible splat. I raced over and all I could see was the bottom of his carrier. Amazing no blood, or real incriminating bruises. Wife yelled out of the bathroom is everything alright, sure I yelled just killing flies. Years later my wife wondered why one of his front teeth seemed sort of dead. Dentist told her he must have had a fall, if only she knew but she doesn’t.

MTV can be bad for a 5yr old

My 5yr old was playing with his 5yr old cousin one day when we noticed that it was awfully quite in the other room. Upon inspection they were naked in the sleeping bag. When questioned WTF was going on. The response was "we're just playing Jessica and Nick Simpson."
Sigh
PS I thought boys waited until 13 for this kind of headaches.

I am stuck DAD

Must have been the first time my boy was around a barbwire fence or he lost too many brain cells when I dropped him as a baby, another story. I was in the farm house enjoying a quite meal when I heard yells of panicked helped. I raced outside to see my 15yr old boy stuck in the fence like peter rabbit in thy bry bush. Of course he was wearing his new $20.00 school team shirt that we just bought. I asked him why he didnt crawl over the sturdy wooden fence section. He said too much effort to walk over there and besides who knew there was a difference between a 5 strand wire and a 3 strand wire when trying to crawl through. Guess the shirt can be used as a cleaning rag now.
Sigh

Dad can't have good tools

Over the course of time most my tools had disappeared with my kids projects. Like who ever has time to return a tool back to Dad’s tool box? So I finally went out and got me a new socket set, wrench combo set that was all organized neatly in its own case. I was so excited that I had a collection of tools that I had access to that I accedently left it on the table before work. When I got home the 5 year old had open it up upside down, emptying the contents all over the floor, putting me back to square one with missing sockets. But hey at least the ones I could find are new.
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Who’s got time to flush?

I was sitting down working on the computer when I could get passed a strange rank order in the basement. When I asked my daughter if she smelled it she said, “sure its from my toilet.” I asked Why? She apparently left a load of diarrhea in it but forgot to flush. Then the toilet hose fell off and just needed to be reattached. I never knew rotting diarrhea could invoke such involuntary dry heaves but it will.
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I am not drunk!

Daughter comes home late pass the curfew. During the interview session on how she is not "drunk" she falls, slides down the stairs leaving a trail of mud behind. Punishment was losing her car for a couple of weeks but with all the things she was in guess who had to drive her around to them. Guess she learned her lesson now.
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I thought I could clear it

Boys seem to have the mentality of “Go for it.” While my son was mowing he came across the metal sprayer attachment that goes on the end of the hose. With the lawnmower cutting height set to high he figured, “surely I can clear it.” Hey at least it made a cool noise as the mower tried to mulch it. I am took it in hoping for a quick fix from the shop but I get instead the question if I wanted to be contacted if the repair was going to be high?
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When are they old enough

After a hard day of work and going to bed at 2:00am I was needing a good nights sleep. Somewhere between 3:00am and 4:00am my wife grabbed my sleeping pillow mumbling something about your daughter needs it. I asked WTF and she said the daughter is not feeling well. Thinking it was my 8yr old in bed I didn't protest too much with the fact I had to give up my special sleeping pillow. After a restless, tossing and turning night I wake up not to see my 8yr old but my 17yr old in bed with me. Ya hear people say kids grow up so fast and the next thing you know they are grown up and have left home. I am just waiting for the time they are grown up and out of my damn bed.
Sigh

5yr old dodges death

The 5yr old is a kid that does not shy away from death or a competitive race. During a casual ride on his bike with his Aunt's family, he challenges her to a race. With her being 8mos pregnant he was figuring that he was going to clean up even though he was only 5. On your mark, get set, go, off they went down the sidewalk that heads downhill toward the creek. He is a manic slamming through his 5-speed gears, hunched over the handlebars giving it his all. After realizing the Aunt was left behind did he decide he should evaluate the high rate of speed he had just obtained. After a quick backpedal spin like on his old bike did he realize he had no foot brakes, these were hand brakes. Aunt and Uncle were too struck with fear to yell out hand brake, hand brakes. By now his speed had passed 20mph and climbing. He hung on but veered off the sidewalk. The first gully washer he hit bounced him off his seat landing him straddling the bar. The last thing the Uncle reported seeing was his legs outspread and his head bobbing up and down as he disappeared into the creek ravine full of old cedar trees with small lower dead broken off limbs that looked like spikes. When they caught up to him he was coming out holding the family jewels. The side of his face was scratched where the spiky limbs grazed the side of his neck and his shoulder is now black and bruised. He said he didn't want to race any more that night. Hey, any bike ride race that doesn't end up in the ER is a good bike ride. Two weeks later my sister said the gouges along his neck were from branches that were dried out sticks of death but if they would have been over another .5-1.0 inch, they would have impaled his neck which would have meant a lot of blood loss resulting in Death.

Women in my family and plumbing don't mix

I head toward the bathroom for some much deserved rest on the throne but as I get nearer I hear a water running noise coming out of the bathroom. Expecting it to be the facet, I wasn't much concerned but when I walk in I don't see water coming out of the facet. Panicked I see the toilet with water shooting out of the top along the wall. I turn off the water and reattach the tiny hose back on which located inside the tank. When I asked my daughter what happened I get a, "ya water started squirting everywhere." The thought of a women to know when to turn off the water is beyond their grasp.
Sigh

Keep the Projects coming

As usual the garbage disposal was stuck, jammed with something. Checked for the usual stuff, socks, wash clothes but nothing could I feel. I got out the old allen wrench to try and turn it manually, no good. Got the 5lb hammer and started whacking. It was then I could hear grinding glass, great. Twenty minutes later I finally got it to budge 1/8 turn which was enough when I turned it on to finishing grinding the glass. I asked the wife about why there was glass down in the disposal. She reported a glass had fallen inside and continued on. Never occurred to her to remove the broken glass pieces out before the disposal was turned on.
Sigh