Hot Day in the Car

So we are on our way to CO for our vacation, escaping the 100 degree heat of Kansas for the cooler days of CO. By 10:00 the van was starting to heat up. Being a van it had a lot of glass where seemingly the heat was emitting from. an hour later the heat is just blasting from the glass. Fearing the AC has gone out I check the vents and yes its somewhat cool but at least not hot. The sun is so bright its generating so much heat I can feel the hot air hitting my neck almost like that of a hair dryer on low. I throw back another 2 bottles of water and sweat on for another 2 hours of whats becoming a vacation in hell. As I am now fading in and out of consciousness I remember earlier in the trip giving AC control to the rear passenger "Gunnar". Surely not, "Gunnar, the controls are on AC right?" Gunnar quickly responds with a "My bad, was on heater". I quickly reverted rear AC controls back to me and coolness was restored though my drenched shirt was offering some coolness, shower please. Sigh

Von Trapp vs the Elderly

Not sure if this one would be classified as elderly abuse or not. So the family, wife, Molly, Gunnar, and I was attending church. We sat in our normal row, row #3, right behind the elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair who has been attending in his spot since 1909. This arrangement is standard for years but not today. The pastor made his usually good mornings and welcome followed by announcing the name of the first hymn. Molly who wanted to make sure our family was ready, made a verbal announcement to our Von Trapp (Sound of Music) singing quality of a family, “Sing it LOUD and PROUD” No sooner had she made that little comment did our elderly friend started making frantic motions. His electric motor started whining up as he swung it into a hard right and gassed it hard as he shot across the aisle to the other side. The wild uncoordinated operation of his scooter was something I would see from a person after hearing, “The lions are coming, hurry and get to the other side.” In a flash, he was gone only leaving behind a trail of his bulletin sheets along his path of escape. Molly just looked at me, I said I hadn’t farted. I know it wasn’t my operatic voice or the singing reputation of our family that scared him away. Still, it is a mystery as of today what happened that early Sunday morning when the Family was about to sing. Update, he has returned but is seen nervously looking over his shoulder before church starts. My family refuses to get near him as they don't want to be responsible for his death. Sigh

Duke the Dog Pisser

Today my lab Duke was getting a bad rap. All day long the wife kept complaining that he was marking his territory and I needed to clean it up. The list was growing by the hour as the number of spots he had marked was approaching 20. By late afternoon the wife who was sitting at the dining table said, “Oh my god he did it the dining room” Exasperated by all the unsubstantiated claims I bent down to sniff, nothing. I remembered the first spot was the end of the bed. I asked the wife did by chance were your slacks at the end of the bed. Why yes they were my wife exclaimed. In the same breath she screamed in realization “Argghhhh I have been wearing dog piss pants all day long.” I almost thought aloud “Get any weird looks at the grocery store today?” But had I, I wouldn’t be here to write this.

How to earn extra cash

As in every night the goal is 7 hrs. of sleep. In bed at 9:52, alarm set for 5:00am equals 7hours of sleep, I was pumped. I had pretty much dozed off when I thought I heard banging around in my room at 10:15pm. Lights a blaring there was Ashley going through our closet. Every few seconds Ashley would stick her head out from the closet to announce all the clothes she was taking were worthless because they are out of date. I asked WTF are doing this late in your parents’ bedroom. She reported that she was low on cash and was collecting clothes to sell to the second hand shop. It’s scary to think while I’m at work what goes on at my house with her unchecked if this is what happens in the middle of the night and I am there. Sigh

Pizza for Dave but not today.

While losing weight, pizza was a rarity and highly treasured. I had just finished a 2hr Friday work out and was resting on the couch thinking about my pizza that was on the counter. It was my favorite Papa Murphy Veggie pizza. I was trying to decide whether to add parm cheese, or garlic, or spicy spice on my cherished pizza. Unbeknownst to me, Ashley had sliced off some of my pizza as I planned how I was going to season my portion. Being the daughter of consideration, Ashley only took half but that was okay as there really was too much for me to eat anyway. About then my relaxation was shattered by a horrible crash in the kitchen. Perplexed I was in my thinking as what could have cause such a commotion. Since nobody was screaming “get the car we’re going to the ER”, I delayed my onsite investigation by a min. As I arrived on the scene I let out a school girl shrill of a scream. Duke, the lab, had just grabbed the topping off my pizza followed by a gulp. Ashley laughed and commented that maybe she should have pushed the pizza back to the middle of the counter vs. leaving it hanging over the edge. Every day its events like this that remind me why we stopped at 4 kids.

Thank Goodness for Manual Transmission

We were traveling to an out of town cross country event for little miss molly. This was being done in our 1993 Honda civic “little Miss Sunshine style”. Apparently it had a dying battery coupled with an electrical issue that drained the battery so heaven forbid if you left the head lights on for 5min. As I predicted I left the lights on the convenience store. The race started in 10min and we were still a good 2mi away. What do you do? We had driven 90miles to the cross country meet for the 14sec glimpse of your runner and I was not giving up. I let the car roll backwards and got it point down the slight slope in the convenience store parking lot. Gunnar, the muscles of this operation, was poised to start pushing. Mom, like a rowing captain, started cheering him on as he pushed the car. We were increasing in speed with every shout from mom. Slowly we were building up our speed as we crawled across the parking lot. Among the crowd that was watching our fate, were 3 high school boys who chose to watch vs help us out. As we approached the street it was due or be stranded. I popped the clutch and with poof of tail pipe smoke the car came roaring to life. With the fear of the car dying we dared not slow down. Mom screamed for Gunnar to jump in. His timing was perfect as he propelled himself into the backseat, slamming the door behind him. With a final backfire we sputtered off, praise the manual transmission.

Making Cash the Old Fashion Way

Younger daughter molly learned an important lesson. It’s not the quality of your product but location and marketing. She and her friends needed cash now and what better way than the old fashion way, Lemonade stand. So sugarless, iceless lemonade in hand, off they went to make their fortune in lemonade sales. A couple of hours later she came skipping back with $70 bucks in hand. Apparently they had their swimsuits on doing a little dance and the cash came rolling in. Note to self, 14year old and a lemonade stand needs adult supervision, sigh.

Ashley and Mr. Patrolman

As Ashley and Molly were driving together to a baseball tournament, Ashley gets pulled over for 87 in a 70mph speed zone. Now for me I would have my license and registration hanging out the window for the officer but not for Ashley. One quick adjustment of the top, one young male officer equals a warning mam. Off on her way she starts singing and car dancing. The cars erratic patterns that mimicked a drunk twice over did not go unnoticed by another Highway Patrolman. Once again, quick shirt adjustment, one young officer and a story about how she had a dream about being pulled over by a handsome officer equals another warning. She thought she was doing 85mph but he never got that far before the Ashley charm sent her on her way. If it was me, I would be in the back of a cruiser heading to jail for reckless child endangerment. Sigh

Pile it Higher and Higher

It started as a baseball tournament weekend of hell. Saturday games went well but that night I had stomach pains of no other. Next morning I was in a fetal position in bed with pains so intense that beads of sweat had formed on my forehead. Now I am sure my kids had true compassion as they offered to go to Wal-Mart to buy me things to make dad feel better. I told them sure go and get me meds but Ashley asks should I take your debt card or your visa but answers quickly her own question with “no problem I found both of them.” I tried to say take my $5 but too late, off to the shopping world Molly and Ashley shall go. Too weak to finish Sundays tournament the kids propped my up in the pickup truck and sent me back to Manhattan as they had their own car. I started to ask what they were going to do for money but remembered they had all my plastic.

That night is where this is little TMI, by morning there was a pile of underwear that had the battle scars of missed opportunities to the throne. Next day wife came down with stomach pains and started adding to the growing pile. By 7:00pm that night it was an aromic pile of underwear and now a bed sheet. Must say if I ever had the urge to work in a Nursing Home, I no longer had the urge. What’s that? Oh now Gunnar has stomach pains…. Sigh

Where oh where did my little winky go?

I was in the middle of one of my cooking monstrosities in the kitchen when in come my son. He mumbles something about needing help and all over the walls. I look over at him and from belly button down his t-shirt is soaked. He says he needs help, of course, and I need to clean it up. He exclaims that while relieving himself his winky went inverted which left him nothing to hold on to while streaming. He described the bathroom adventure like a garden hose on full blast while flopping around. He managed to hit the bathroom tub, walls, vanity, floor and outside of the toilet. I asked why and more why did you just not stop? He gleefully reported that once started he cannot stop and that I better hurry up because it is starting to stink in there. Somewhere down the line I know this is my punishment for something I did in life, sigh

Dog and Chicken Bones Don't Mix

Ah vacation, I had the afternoon off from work and was going to work on a new kind of fried food at home. So caught up in cooking thoughts was I that I didn't notice my boy on the couch or the issue. Pretty soon I heard the old familiar "Daaad". I see Gunnar stretched out on the love seat with his reading glasses on, engrossed in his reading. While still reading he stretches out his arm and points to the floor. Ya so what, a dark towel on the floor or wait.... Its black diarrhea from the dog in a 3' diameter pile. His response to my WTF" was "oh and there is some more on the stairs and by the downstairs." The stench was over whelming so I still can't figure out how he could nonchalantly be sitting 3 feet from rotten, bloody gastric diarrhea without the dry heaves.

Somehow it seems all my adventures that start in a cooking bliss end up either in diarrhea or vomit. Now who would like some fried chili sticks? Sigh

Gunnar steals home and more

Gunnar was catching in the McPherson tournament against the Salina Irish. After a few catches I hear the familiar "Daaad" He calls me over to the fence as he mentions something about bathroom. Apparently the coaches wife overheard and seeing the squirming tells coach that Gunnar has to go. Coach asks Gunnar for everyone to hear. Gunnar squatted down warming up the pitcher quickly silence the bathroom comments with a quick wave of the hand. 10min later we are out of the inning but darn, Gunnar is on deck. Soon enough he is at the plate. First pitch low and outside but Gunnar takes aim and puts to right field for a easy single. First pitch on the next batter Gunnar is off on a steal to second with or without the coache's steal sign. Close call "Slide Gunnar Slide Gunnar" Now when he gets up there is a question of the stain on his behind side, whew, just dirt. Next batter first pitch Gunnar has stolen 3rd. Next batter Gunnar has to wait for 4 pitches before there is a passed ball to the backstop. Gunnar takes off toward home on a mission to steal home. No slowing down as he hits his peak speed crossing the plate as he heads toward the gate. With out breaking stride he swings open the gate then quickly rounds the fan stand, "Run Forest Run, er Gunnar run. He streaks off toward the restroom leaving fans in awe of the unusual steal home play.

Apparently diarrhea and catching did not go well together but all ended well as that could have been another story.

Vita Mix Demo

We added to our armada of kitchen gadgets the Vita-Mix 5000. This baby has 10x the power of an ordinary blender with a top speed of 200mph. Now my son which I wont mention which one, Joe, decided he could use it without reading those silly instructions. I watched in horror as he flipped the switch from 0 to 200mph with out going through the gears. A quick grinding of gears and it was up to full speed. To have easier access with his food plunger he bypassed the safety top. At top speed the blades starting tearing into my plastic plunger along with an explosion of liquid that erupted out of the top. Not sure which was more spectacular watching the food eruption in my kitchen or watching Mt. St. Helen's on TV. Thinking he had done something wrong, he quickly turned it off and with a shrug of the shoulders tried it again for a second eruption. My screams of Nooooo! where unheeded as he was on a mission to do this thing himself. Kids, sigh.

Kids and sleep don't mix

Reason 509 why I didn't get my 6hrs of sleep
12:30am just settled under the covers with fans a blowing and noise maker a noising when the door flies open and lights come blaring on. 13yr old Molly makes the announcement that she would like a P&J before she can go back to sleep. Doing the math I figured it was quicker to just do it than be harassed for the next 2 hrs. Back in bed I starting to dose off when I hear screaming that someone needs to turn off her bedroom light.

5:30am while on her way to work, wife wakes me up to ask what all the commotion was. 6:00am o'clock 10 Year old Gunnar jumps into bed followed soon by Joe the 20 year old.

I believe the key to getting sleep is not having kids or being dead. Sigh

Balloon vs. Fan

Not sure if I can ever get the real story. All I know is when I get home my expensive lifetime warranty ceiling fan is half fallen apart only attached by wires. All I got was there was a balloon floating around, lots of pop pop then bad smells, loud noises emanating from the fan then silence.

Obvious question I asked was why we didn’t turn off the fan. Answer given was “What? And miss the balloon vs. fan show?” I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t lit match vs. house. Sigh

That's not Downy freshness I smell

Being one that wants to be green I use a bath towel at least 3 times to dry off before sending it to the hamper. With long term memory fading in my old age I keep my towels under my pillow and hanging down the edge of my side of the bed for easy access. That way it’s easy to find and use apparently by me and others.

I was tired and not really in tune with odors as I was toweling off but finally I could no longer ignore the strange odor which seemed to be coming from the towel. After a good old nose sniff there was no doubt that the towel that I was using had been used to soak up dog urine.

I asked the wife the next morning what the though process was, answer “ya, don’t use that towel it’s dirty.” No kidding, sigh.

Flush or not to Flush

You would think I would learn by now. Son plugs the stool with a large deposit. A quick flush does nothing but fill up the bowl. Now the power plunger is on the other side of the house in the cold garage and its bed time. Since it would require 2 flushes to cause alarm what are my chances this project can't want until morning? Surely my wife would understand the physics of a brim filled toilet. 2:30am wife wakes me to take the dogs out. As I am im standing in my yard, I think about the previous question but go back to bed. 4:30am wife informs me the toilet is clogged. I instruct her under penalty of death do NOT flush the toilet and rolled over on to my side with a side thought of "Maybe this is my second chance to go fix the toilet, nah" 5:30am panic scream of "its going to over flow" I jumped out running to the bathroom only to see a toilet resembling a chocolate fountain. The brown sewage is now lapping at the hallway carpet. I scream "need more towels" Quick and fading responses was "Gotta go, going to be late to work". After sopping up 10 towels did things start to look better. As I was finishing up around the baseboard, I kept reflecting on the original question I had 6hrs earlier and why oh why did I think it would have ended any other way.

To answer why the flushing after I said no. Wife's answer "I just thought maybe I would get lucky on the 2nd flush and it would all go away." In a certain sense it did all go away after that flush, sigh.

Killer hornet on the loose

For Xmas Gunnar received a hornet helicopter from Air Hog. He was getting pretty good at remotely flying the buzzing helicopter around the living room. While mom was taking a well deserved cat nap on the the couch, Gunnar was flying his helicopter insect around. Somehow his insect of little control had started a circling holding pattern over moms head. I saw the panic as Gunnar was trying to figure out how to get it off over mom. Slowly as it was circling it was getting closer and closer. Gunnar cuts power hoping it will drop and miss his mommy. But no, it lands square on her face. Mom shrieks in anticipated pain and shock of this giant bug on her face. Gunnar in panic, tries an emergency take off and gives it full power. With buzzing blades smacking mom's face the bug dances around her head followed by mom's screaming while swatting her hands in the air. Might as well have been a hornets nest on her face as much enthusiasm she was giving. Gunnar quickly picked up his helicopter which by now had been swatted 10 feet away, and quickly exited the room.

Dead Animal on Porch

Hard day at work and I just got beaten by a young girl in racquetball so I was needing some downtime. Since that is something I can't do at home, off to Sis's house to relax. Just as I was settled down in the comfy chair, feet propped up, Bud Lite in hand while taking in a new recipe on a grilled chicken sandwich with fresh basil, the phone rings. Wife is demanding for me to come home now and who ever gave me permission to leave my post at home. My come back of "busy!" was shot down with "If you don't want something cut off while you sleep, you'll come home now!" "Kids are screaming and crying about the poor dead animal that the dog has on the back porch." Blood is everywhere, animal is dragging its half eaten bloodied body around the deck with shrills of pain every few seconds." I quickly I go from listening to Master Piece background music while pondering a unique chicken sandwich to "come clean up this bloody animal mess."

So knowing I have to sleep sometime, I head home to see everyone hovering around the glass door commenting about the humanity of it all. As I part the family to take a look, I see a young possum playing possum. Yes he was roughed up a bit and yes there was saliva all over the deck but that was it. I scooped him up in a shovel and moved him down to the yard and off he scurried a few minutes later. Sigh

New Ring Tone for the Kids

Apparently I had an American Idol experience. I was trying to figure out why my 7th grade daughter was trying to record me while singing in church. I know I have a good voice, sing in the Shower and Choir with the possibilities of going semi professional. After church is over I am mingling with the adults outside the church when I hear a retched sound of someone trying to sing. To my horror I see Molly playing her recording from her cell phone on mega phone level. I dashed over and after a quick spectacle, wrestle the phone from her. It was a case of how you think you sound vs. how you really sound or now days it’s called an American Idle moment. I turned off the phone and we scurry home. End of story...apparently not. Savvy Molly decides to text the voice clip to 178 of her friends at Junior High for their new ring tone on their cell phone. Comments are coming into my wife that ya they keep hearing the sound clip of her husband. Make things worse Ms Molly set the sound bit to my ring tone unknowns to me.
I was in the Cabela’s restroom but when I undid my pants belt for a quick shirt tuck the 5lb wallet and cell phones in my pockets caused my shorts to drop like a rock to my ankles but at that moment Molly timed her phone call to me, my voice bellowing out in Cabela’s restroom in "Oh Sing to the Lord …" anthem. Of course all 28 macho hunter lookin guys look over to see a guy singing while trying to pull his pants back up in a frantic manner. As I dashed out of the restroom with my head down, family greets me with laughter and comments of “sing it again Daddy!” Sigh