Most kids do this when they are four but not Joe. He waited until he was sixteen. Mom insisted to Joe that he needed a nice haircut and her being the mom the discussion was done. Joe set out to prove that he could make a statement. Apparently he spent two hours working on his head. When mom got home, all she could do was gasp and start whimpering. Joe had shaved his head. Well what he could reach. He looked a like a mangy dog or someone going through chemotherapy as clumps of hair still remained. It will be will documented as the family reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks.
Sigh
Friday, May 26, 2006
Don't hurt me daddy
It was after baseball practice and Joe had been bugging me to let him drive home. I had said no but before I knew it he was in the drivers seat shutting the door. Before I could get the door handle release he gets the door locked. With lightening fast reflexes I reach in the open window and unlock it but he was quick too and relocked it. I reached in again but my fingers seemed like they just couldn't reach it this time. I was thinking of the physics of this dilemma when I felt a terrible pain on my arm that was reached in. In horror I realized he had shut the power windows on my arm. Apparently my face of panic/rage scared him off as he was now cowering safely on the other side of the car. I screamed something about ripping off his nuts if he didn't release the window. Threats of violence worked and he release my now black and blue arm. Coach came running over and said, "don't hurt his pitching hand". As we drove home I asked him what the hell was he thinking of. All I got was I got scared daddy.
Sigh
Sigh
Friday, March 10, 2006
Dad’s Dream at Baseball
It was Winter time and me and my boy had been practicing through Winter to get ready for Spring baseball tryouts for the HS. I had spent many of cold days out on the field pitching balls and working on hitting. Today’s practice was different, it was warm, birds were chirping and the big try out was the next day. Our father son practice was over when my son had an idea. He would pitch one to me so I could have the glory of cracking one with the old wooden bat. As he was getting set on the mound I was visioning my perfect swing sending the ball deep to center field. The pitch came, perfect, right down the middle. Using perfect technique I gave the ball a crack, it was going to be a home run. As I gazed out into center field looking for my ball, I hear a thud and in horror see my son stretched out on the ground grabbing his knee. As I helped him hobble to the car, I kept assuring him it was nothing but couldn’t help notice the bloody marks left by the stitches on the inside of the knee.
Luck be with him it didn’t affect his tryout and he made the team. I have sworn off taking batting practice from my kids.
Luck be with him it didn’t affect his tryout and he made the team. I have sworn off taking batting practice from my kids.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Pukaroma I, II,III,& IV
March 27, 1999 Pukaroma Weekend, the Nightmare Begins.
Cast:
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Mom
Dad
Ashley 11
Joey 8
Molly 1.5
9:00pm Family was finishing up eating Daddy's world famous homemade pizza and yes
some say it's better than our beloved Tim McCune's.
10:00pm All is quite, all are asleep.
1:08am I was brought out of my sleep to hear coughing, gulping and a little crying from
hour 18mos old. I dashed into her room to gladly see she was just doing dry heaves. With not a moment to spare I snatched her out of bed with only 9 large steps to the bathroom. But as I
turned around I met mom who was concerned and wanted me to stop so she could assess the
situation, being a nurse and all. My screams of “get out of my way woman she's gonna blow” were ignored by my wife.
The 3 second delay was long enough for the projectile vomit stream to strike me in the side of the face and part of the bed. In a futile attempt to get to the bathroom I left a trail of regurgitated pepperoni pizza.
1:10am As wife gives Molly a bath and starts the one of many loads of laundry, I am going
down stairs to bring up Mr. Bissle to start cleaning up the trail of puke. I was about halfway
done dreaming of going back to bed when I heard out of Ashley's room one large cough then 2
seconds of rushing liquids roaring out of her mouth.
1:25am Her room was a site to see. She had turned and caught the edge of the bed where
it sprayed over the other half of the room. Now here would be a good argument to keep your
stuff picked up in ones room because now all her stuff including clothes had chucks and liquid
pizza clinging to them.
1:30am Mom hauls her to the bathroom where she remained curled in a fetal position next to the porcelain throne. Another load of laundry to be done
1:48am Mr. Bissle has taken care of Trail of Puke and we are now heading into Ashley's
room to deal with the regurgitated pizza spackled floor. I discovered that pepperoni takes a long
time to digest as I had to hand pick those pieces up.
2:08am I am emptying Mr. Bissle when I hear Joe yell I don't
feel well. I asked him if he felt like throwing up and he answered with a rush of vomit. Mom
cleaned him up and sent him to the other bathroom to curl up in the fetal position, this is going to
be a popular position tonight. Another load of laundry to do.
2:59am Done with Ashley's room and halfway done with Joe's carpet when I hear my wife
screaming she can't make it. As I was about ask what did she mean by I can't make it I hear
hacking and coughing with her head pointed at the one spot of carpet untouched by vomit. I
grabbed her and drug her to the toilet where buckets came streaming out.
4:20am 5 loads of laundry are done, beds made, kids and mom curled at the porcelain alter
for the night, my work is done, time to sleep now.
April 8, 2000 Pukaroma Weekend II
These are true stories and as much as I would like to say they are embellished they are not. In
fact I probably have blocked out some of the horrid details. You ask what is the purpose of these
writings? Answer, planned parent hood. If you have a young couple and they are thinking they
are ready for kids then give them the Pukaroma Weekend stories and see if they are ready, I'm
betting not since I'm 40 now and I get weak thinking about the future stories I have yet to write.
A 4 mos boy was added to the all star cast.
Gunnar
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Day 1
10:30pm: I had just changed a major dry heave diaper on Gunnar and lucky for me the
diaper had contained the soupage so other than the pungent stomach ripping smell all had gone
well. I was calling it a night. As I was walking back to my bed of comfort I passed Ashley's
room only to hear major dinosaur calls, not a good thing. I ran in hoping she was only in the dry
heave stages but no. There was a 1 foot diameter pool of regurgitated chunked soup on her
comforter. Apparently my turning on the light was a big mistake because when she saw what
was in her bed she freaked. There might as well have been a bed full of spiders as she flung the
comforter with the self contained vomit off the bed. Now chunks and puke came raining down in
the room like a Wizard's blizzard in Warcraft II. Puke had now claimed the walls, desk, blanket,
sheets, bed comforter, and 20sq feet of carpet. After hosing off the comforter on the back porch
(my dogs will love this reheated treat) 2 loads of laundry and 30 min with the Bissle Clean
Machine (can't live without one) I was making Ashley's bed.
11:38pm As a precaution I put towels down on the floor and a large overflow bowl for
future episodes. I was gleefully skipping back to my room after tucking her in when I seemed to
notice gut wrenching odor. It was Molly and she was working on a blowout from the bottom
end. Just as I was going to assess the leakage factor I heard back in the other room more praying to the porcelain alter. As I walked back to Ashley's room I wasn't too worried since she had that bowl but no it was It was all over her blankets. Apparently she was too tired to lean over and hit the bowl.
12:08am Bad news Molly's soupy diaper had penetrated through, blown up the back and
was now soaking into the bedding. I wrapped her up in a towel and gingerly carried her to
the bathtub hoping not to drip any soupage on the carpet. By now the combination of puke and
diarrhea stench was not helping with my digestion of the pizza I had eaten earlier.
1:10am Molly was now bathed and dressed, and in bed asleep. Time to hit the hay. As I
was heading to our bathroom I heard little Gunnar coughing or was that puking? Another reason
not to have extra bedding and cute stuff toys in the crib. Sure enough yellow puke all over
bedding and stuffed animals. As I picked him up he let me know he still loved me with a little
yellow projectile vomiting on me. But luck was with me since my large body had enough surface
area that the puke never reached the carpet. I wiped the puke off of me (his first puke ever),
changed his outfit, washed his bedding and took that well deserved shower.
2:15am Climbed into bed. Wife coming out of her oblivious comma sleep nudges me
saying she had had a rough day and could I keep the racket down, oh and could I get her some
juice. If only I could sleep so well.
2:20am Before my senses take in any more I passed out.
Day 2 Relatively speaking a better day
11:30pm The wife and I had just settled down into the Jacuzzi. As I was twisting off the
cap to my wine cooler I heard a startling pound on the bathroom door followed by "I threw up".
Sigh, wife said enjoy the moment here check on his undocumented claim later but it was hard to
relax knowing there was puke claiming more and more territories as I waited.
12:05am Hauled out my friend Mr. Bissle and headed for Joe's room. The good news was
he leaned over the bed and missed all of the bedding. The bad news was 2 of his dresser drawers
were pullout and thus were visited by Mr. Puke. But that was easy to cleanup as I pulled them
out into a heap for my lovely wife to have for the next morning. Mr. Bissle groaned from the
excessive use and split out a connecting hose spewing water all over the walls. No problem used
a towel on the floor to catch the drippage and grabbed the leaking hose with my hand and hurried on to get the job done.
1:12am Fell into bed, closed eyes but now I hear Gunnar crying, something about a tummy
ache. Brought Gunnar to wife, wife says he's ready to go back. Five min later Gunnar is ready
to visit mom again, and so on and so on.
2:30am Passed out.
6:15am Tap on shoulder its Molly she's hungry now.
February 27, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday III
It truly makes you wonder how parents make it raising kids. No choice of our own an average night our sleep is 5hrs with one to two awakenings. These are all true stories. Molly is 3.5yrs and Gunnar is 14mos.
11:45pm I get the giddy idea that we should go to bed early, so we do, skipping
extracurricular activities and going straight for sleep.
12:19am Gunnar does his stretching shrieking cry. So wife puts him in OUR bed with
bottle. Not a good move in hind sight.
12:30am Gunnar flings empty bottle on to dad's unprotected face, a ritual to let dad know
that he his done and will be settling down for the night in dads ever shrinking bed real estate.
12:45am Whimper noises coming from son, dad ignores figuring its another ploy to push
dad close to edge of bed.
12:50am Gunnar places hands on dads chest to better prop himself up in bed in an effort to
get his head in a more dominating position.
12:51am Gunnar now speaks but instead it's a rumbling cough followed by the ever so
missed projectile vomit. Sigh
1:15am Gunnar is washed down, dad is washed down, new set of bed sheets and
thankfulness that nothing landed on the carpet.
1:18am Gunnar back in bed, dad reclaims bed real estate.
1:30am Molly comes busting in the room running over to mom's side. A little unusual
aggressive behavior for 1:30am but mom brushes off suspicious behavior saying Molly just misses her mommy.
1:31am Molly cuddles next to mom and mumbles something. As mom is guessing what
word Molly is saying mom stumbles on the phrase "throw up". During the process of confirming
this, I am left with the dilemma of do I grab her and fling her into the bathroom 14' away with the gamble I don't make it and thus leaving the trail of puke on the carpet or do I let mom take the brunt of her dinosaur calls. Choice was easy let mom take the hit, since the decision making is in my head but God for bid if she knew I let nature takes its course on her.
1:55am Mom has taken her shower, molly washed up towels laid on bed, we ran out of
bed sheets by now, and everyone dozing off. As I am sinking into my cherished 4.5 hours of
sleep, mom sighs and mutters something about I am surprised the other 2 kids haven't been
singing their song.
6:30am As luck would have it sleep was on our side for now but the weekend is still not
far away.
November 21, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday IV
The day before I had gotten a request for the stories and I had thought to myself glad I am just
sending these stories and not writing them.
6:38 pm Settling in watching my son at basketball at practice, wife is at work and Ashley is
watching the 4 year old and 2 year old at home.
6:40pm Phone rings, Ashley is screaming and crying that Matthew is Puking everywhere and she was leaving in 10 min so I better get home. On the drive home I was trying to remember after cleaning out the basement where I had put Mr. Bissel after the last episode.
6:51pm Came in through the door only to be hit by a heavy acidic blast of odor. From my vast
experience in this type of situation I was able to contain my dry heave urges. The kids seemed
to be settled down and from what I could reconstruct this is what happened. Gunnar started
gurgling which brought Ashley over to check things out. Then he projected out a heavy
green/yellow thick fluid at her which of course landed on the carpet. Ashley turned and ran in terror cowering on the couch as if a mouse was about on the floor. Gunnar scared wanted comfort so he climbed on the couch seeking the comfort he needed from Ashley. Then another belch and mor yellow chunky substance splattered the couch. Ashley jumped off and went racing to her room with Gunnar dripping puke following in her steps.
6:55pm I picked up Gunnar placed him in the bath tub, stripped him down and gave him a
sponge bath, in hind site I should have waited another 5 min.
7:15pm I brought in Mr. Bissle from the garage. By the time I got back Gunnar was crying. I
picked him up expecting more of a mess in the crib but found none. Then I noticed my hands
were starting to feel damp. I started to unzip him but was only half way down before I realized
the dampness was a blow out which went all the way up the back to the neck. Never new mixing
a blowout with puke could be so hard on the lungs.
7:25pm Placed him back in the tub for a complete bath.
7:40pm He is dressed and happy so I better get back to the mess before it sits in.
7:45pm I screw the hose from Mr. Bissle on to the sink only to notice the washer is cracker, shouldn't make a difference.
7:50pm I turn on water for a pre test. Cracked wash does make a difference. Fortunately the
window by the sink took most of the water and rest on the floor, was going to mop later that
night anyway. Dug around a found a non cracked washer now I am good to go.
7:55pm Gunnar is crying again. Apparently he went into his sister room and from what I can
figure started twirling around as he blew because it is everywhere, beds clothes, carped and toys.
8:05pm He is redressed and is in his crib just incase he has more ideas.
8:10pm Mr. Bissle fires up with that every so familiar roar. Starting with the first area hit with puke, I squeeze the trigger for the blast of hot water. Water starts squirting out from the handle dousing me in a bath of water. I cover the leak the best i can I continue on. Ashley being the observant teenager she is points out that I am getting water spots on the carpet.
8:15pm Too much leakage so I decide that I can simple glue the leak with so often used Super
Glue. Gunner pukes again but I just lift him up and change the towel under neath him. Gunnar
doses back off or in my case recharges the digestive system.
8:20pm I carefully align tip of glue bottle of leak on plastic handle and squeeze. No glue so I
squeeze a little harder and a little harder. Then crack the bottle cracks open and glue goes all
over my hands. I have about these stories but they are usually in dumb movies or Red Neck
jokes. Carefully I wash off hands with soap and water, fortunately no story here.
8:40pm Return from store with new bottle of glue and make the necessary repairs. Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.
9:00pm Glue is drive and we are back in business. Fire up Mr Bissle only to realize that by
fixing that pressure release point that another one was formed around a rubber connector. No
fixing this so drenched I work my way from one puke zone to puke zones. Oh, and Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.
10:00pm Everything is cleaned, I take a shower, kids in bed, all towels and bed sheets are now in a heap in front of the washing machine, time to relax.
10:01pm Mom comes in after work only to ask what have I been doing the house is a wreck.
November 22
Ashley, Joe, Molly, Mother come down with all flue symptoms. Dad goes to work on
Thanksgiving day only to be inundated with phone calls to come home and take care of them.
Calls are ignored and Dad escapes the flu epidemic. On the up note my 4year old learned to use
the stool during the illness.
November 23 Bought a Hoover Upright Turbo Steamamatic 7000. It sits waiting for the next
episode of Pukaroma Weekend Series.
Cast:
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Mom
Dad
Ashley 11
Joey 8
Molly 1.5
9:00pm Family was finishing up eating Daddy's world famous homemade pizza and yes
some say it's better than our beloved Tim McCune's.
10:00pm All is quite, all are asleep.
1:08am I was brought out of my sleep to hear coughing, gulping and a little crying from
hour 18mos old. I dashed into her room to gladly see she was just doing dry heaves. With not a moment to spare I snatched her out of bed with only 9 large steps to the bathroom. But as I
turned around I met mom who was concerned and wanted me to stop so she could assess the
situation, being a nurse and all. My screams of “get out of my way woman she's gonna blow” were ignored by my wife.
The 3 second delay was long enough for the projectile vomit stream to strike me in the side of the face and part of the bed. In a futile attempt to get to the bathroom I left a trail of regurgitated pepperoni pizza.
1:10am As wife gives Molly a bath and starts the one of many loads of laundry, I am going
down stairs to bring up Mr. Bissle to start cleaning up the trail of puke. I was about halfway
done dreaming of going back to bed when I heard out of Ashley's room one large cough then 2
seconds of rushing liquids roaring out of her mouth.
1:25am Her room was a site to see. She had turned and caught the edge of the bed where
it sprayed over the other half of the room. Now here would be a good argument to keep your
stuff picked up in ones room because now all her stuff including clothes had chucks and liquid
pizza clinging to them.
1:30am Mom hauls her to the bathroom where she remained curled in a fetal position next to the porcelain throne. Another load of laundry to be done
1:48am Mr. Bissle has taken care of Trail of Puke and we are now heading into Ashley's
room to deal with the regurgitated pizza spackled floor. I discovered that pepperoni takes a long
time to digest as I had to hand pick those pieces up.
2:08am I am emptying Mr. Bissle when I hear Joe yell I don't
feel well. I asked him if he felt like throwing up and he answered with a rush of vomit. Mom
cleaned him up and sent him to the other bathroom to curl up in the fetal position, this is going to
be a popular position tonight. Another load of laundry to do.
2:59am Done with Ashley's room and halfway done with Joe's carpet when I hear my wife
screaming she can't make it. As I was about ask what did she mean by I can't make it I hear
hacking and coughing with her head pointed at the one spot of carpet untouched by vomit. I
grabbed her and drug her to the toilet where buckets came streaming out.
4:20am 5 loads of laundry are done, beds made, kids and mom curled at the porcelain alter
for the night, my work is done, time to sleep now.
April 8, 2000 Pukaroma Weekend II
These are true stories and as much as I would like to say they are embellished they are not. In
fact I probably have blocked out some of the horrid details. You ask what is the purpose of these
writings? Answer, planned parent hood. If you have a young couple and they are thinking they
are ready for kids then give them the Pukaroma Weekend stories and see if they are ready, I'm
betting not since I'm 40 now and I get weak thinking about the future stories I have yet to write.
A 4 mos boy was added to the all star cast.
Gunnar
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Day 1
10:30pm: I had just changed a major dry heave diaper on Gunnar and lucky for me the
diaper had contained the soupage so other than the pungent stomach ripping smell all had gone
well. I was calling it a night. As I was walking back to my bed of comfort I passed Ashley's
room only to hear major dinosaur calls, not a good thing. I ran in hoping she was only in the dry
heave stages but no. There was a 1 foot diameter pool of regurgitated chunked soup on her
comforter. Apparently my turning on the light was a big mistake because when she saw what
was in her bed she freaked. There might as well have been a bed full of spiders as she flung the
comforter with the self contained vomit off the bed. Now chunks and puke came raining down in
the room like a Wizard's blizzard in Warcraft II. Puke had now claimed the walls, desk, blanket,
sheets, bed comforter, and 20sq feet of carpet. After hosing off the comforter on the back porch
(my dogs will love this reheated treat) 2 loads of laundry and 30 min with the Bissle Clean
Machine (can't live without one) I was making Ashley's bed.
11:38pm As a precaution I put towels down on the floor and a large overflow bowl for
future episodes. I was gleefully skipping back to my room after tucking her in when I seemed to
notice gut wrenching odor. It was Molly and she was working on a blowout from the bottom
end. Just as I was going to assess the leakage factor I heard back in the other room more praying to the porcelain alter. As I walked back to Ashley's room I wasn't too worried since she had that bowl but no it was It was all over her blankets. Apparently she was too tired to lean over and hit the bowl.
12:08am Bad news Molly's soupy diaper had penetrated through, blown up the back and
was now soaking into the bedding. I wrapped her up in a towel and gingerly carried her to
the bathtub hoping not to drip any soupage on the carpet. By now the combination of puke and
diarrhea stench was not helping with my digestion of the pizza I had eaten earlier.
1:10am Molly was now bathed and dressed, and in bed asleep. Time to hit the hay. As I
was heading to our bathroom I heard little Gunnar coughing or was that puking? Another reason
not to have extra bedding and cute stuff toys in the crib. Sure enough yellow puke all over
bedding and stuffed animals. As I picked him up he let me know he still loved me with a little
yellow projectile vomiting on me. But luck was with me since my large body had enough surface
area that the puke never reached the carpet. I wiped the puke off of me (his first puke ever),
changed his outfit, washed his bedding and took that well deserved shower.
2:15am Climbed into bed. Wife coming out of her oblivious comma sleep nudges me
saying she had had a rough day and could I keep the racket down, oh and could I get her some
juice. If only I could sleep so well.
2:20am Before my senses take in any more I passed out.
Day 2 Relatively speaking a better day
11:30pm The wife and I had just settled down into the Jacuzzi. As I was twisting off the
cap to my wine cooler I heard a startling pound on the bathroom door followed by "I threw up".
Sigh, wife said enjoy the moment here check on his undocumented claim later but it was hard to
relax knowing there was puke claiming more and more territories as I waited.
12:05am Hauled out my friend Mr. Bissle and headed for Joe's room. The good news was
he leaned over the bed and missed all of the bedding. The bad news was 2 of his dresser drawers
were pullout and thus were visited by Mr. Puke. But that was easy to cleanup as I pulled them
out into a heap for my lovely wife to have for the next morning. Mr. Bissle groaned from the
excessive use and split out a connecting hose spewing water all over the walls. No problem used
a towel on the floor to catch the drippage and grabbed the leaking hose with my hand and hurried on to get the job done.
1:12am Fell into bed, closed eyes but now I hear Gunnar crying, something about a tummy
ache. Brought Gunnar to wife, wife says he's ready to go back. Five min later Gunnar is ready
to visit mom again, and so on and so on.
2:30am Passed out.
6:15am Tap on shoulder its Molly she's hungry now.
February 27, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday III
It truly makes you wonder how parents make it raising kids. No choice of our own an average night our sleep is 5hrs with one to two awakenings. These are all true stories. Molly is 3.5yrs and Gunnar is 14mos.
11:45pm I get the giddy idea that we should go to bed early, so we do, skipping
extracurricular activities and going straight for sleep.
12:19am Gunnar does his stretching shrieking cry. So wife puts him in OUR bed with
bottle. Not a good move in hind sight.
12:30am Gunnar flings empty bottle on to dad's unprotected face, a ritual to let dad know
that he his done and will be settling down for the night in dads ever shrinking bed real estate.
12:45am Whimper noises coming from son, dad ignores figuring its another ploy to push
dad close to edge of bed.
12:50am Gunnar places hands on dads chest to better prop himself up in bed in an effort to
get his head in a more dominating position.
12:51am Gunnar now speaks but instead it's a rumbling cough followed by the ever so
missed projectile vomit. Sigh
1:15am Gunnar is washed down, dad is washed down, new set of bed sheets and
thankfulness that nothing landed on the carpet.
1:18am Gunnar back in bed, dad reclaims bed real estate.
1:30am Molly comes busting in the room running over to mom's side. A little unusual
aggressive behavior for 1:30am but mom brushes off suspicious behavior saying Molly just misses her mommy.
1:31am Molly cuddles next to mom and mumbles something. As mom is guessing what
word Molly is saying mom stumbles on the phrase "throw up". During the process of confirming
this, I am left with the dilemma of do I grab her and fling her into the bathroom 14' away with the gamble I don't make it and thus leaving the trail of puke on the carpet or do I let mom take the brunt of her dinosaur calls. Choice was easy let mom take the hit, since the decision making is in my head but God for bid if she knew I let nature takes its course on her.
1:55am Mom has taken her shower, molly washed up towels laid on bed, we ran out of
bed sheets by now, and everyone dozing off. As I am sinking into my cherished 4.5 hours of
sleep, mom sighs and mutters something about I am surprised the other 2 kids haven't been
singing their song.
6:30am As luck would have it sleep was on our side for now but the weekend is still not
far away.
November 21, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday IV
The day before I had gotten a request for the stories and I had thought to myself glad I am just
sending these stories and not writing them.
6:38 pm Settling in watching my son at basketball at practice, wife is at work and Ashley is
watching the 4 year old and 2 year old at home.
6:40pm Phone rings, Ashley is screaming and crying that Matthew is Puking everywhere and she was leaving in 10 min so I better get home. On the drive home I was trying to remember after cleaning out the basement where I had put Mr. Bissel after the last episode.
6:51pm Came in through the door only to be hit by a heavy acidic blast of odor. From my vast
experience in this type of situation I was able to contain my dry heave urges. The kids seemed
to be settled down and from what I could reconstruct this is what happened. Gunnar started
gurgling which brought Ashley over to check things out. Then he projected out a heavy
green/yellow thick fluid at her which of course landed on the carpet. Ashley turned and ran in terror cowering on the couch as if a mouse was about on the floor. Gunnar scared wanted comfort so he climbed on the couch seeking the comfort he needed from Ashley. Then another belch and mor yellow chunky substance splattered the couch. Ashley jumped off and went racing to her room with Gunnar dripping puke following in her steps.
6:55pm I picked up Gunnar placed him in the bath tub, stripped him down and gave him a
sponge bath, in hind site I should have waited another 5 min.
7:15pm I brought in Mr. Bissle from the garage. By the time I got back Gunnar was crying. I
picked him up expecting more of a mess in the crib but found none. Then I noticed my hands
were starting to feel damp. I started to unzip him but was only half way down before I realized
the dampness was a blow out which went all the way up the back to the neck. Never new mixing
a blowout with puke could be so hard on the lungs.
7:25pm Placed him back in the tub for a complete bath.
7:40pm He is dressed and happy so I better get back to the mess before it sits in.
7:45pm I screw the hose from Mr. Bissle on to the sink only to notice the washer is cracker, shouldn't make a difference.
7:50pm I turn on water for a pre test. Cracked wash does make a difference. Fortunately the
window by the sink took most of the water and rest on the floor, was going to mop later that
night anyway. Dug around a found a non cracked washer now I am good to go.
7:55pm Gunnar is crying again. Apparently he went into his sister room and from what I can
figure started twirling around as he blew because it is everywhere, beds clothes, carped and toys.
8:05pm He is redressed and is in his crib just incase he has more ideas.
8:10pm Mr. Bissle fires up with that every so familiar roar. Starting with the first area hit with puke, I squeeze the trigger for the blast of hot water. Water starts squirting out from the handle dousing me in a bath of water. I cover the leak the best i can I continue on. Ashley being the observant teenager she is points out that I am getting water spots on the carpet.
8:15pm Too much leakage so I decide that I can simple glue the leak with so often used Super
Glue. Gunner pukes again but I just lift him up and change the towel under neath him. Gunnar
doses back off or in my case recharges the digestive system.
8:20pm I carefully align tip of glue bottle of leak on plastic handle and squeeze. No glue so I
squeeze a little harder and a little harder. Then crack the bottle cracks open and glue goes all
over my hands. I have about these stories but they are usually in dumb movies or Red Neck
jokes. Carefully I wash off hands with soap and water, fortunately no story here.
8:40pm Return from store with new bottle of glue and make the necessary repairs. Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.
9:00pm Glue is drive and we are back in business. Fire up Mr Bissle only to realize that by
fixing that pressure release point that another one was formed around a rubber connector. No
fixing this so drenched I work my way from one puke zone to puke zones. Oh, and Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.
10:00pm Everything is cleaned, I take a shower, kids in bed, all towels and bed sheets are now in a heap in front of the washing machine, time to relax.
10:01pm Mom comes in after work only to ask what have I been doing the house is a wreck.
November 22
Ashley, Joe, Molly, Mother come down with all flue symptoms. Dad goes to work on
Thanksgiving day only to be inundated with phone calls to come home and take care of them.
Calls are ignored and Dad escapes the flu epidemic. On the up note my 4year old learned to use
the stool during the illness.
November 23 Bought a Hoover Upright Turbo Steamamatic 7000. It sits waiting for the next
episode of Pukaroma Weekend Series.
No SRS Please, Joes Basketball Game
December 9 2001
Not a puke story but another interesting tale from the lives of the Bollmans. Dad is at son's Basketball game.
5:00pm Basketball games was over and it was time to go home.
5:10pm Got home and started getting ready for Church activities that were starting at 6:00pm
5:45pm Ready to go, I got the kids in the car and wife says lets go. I did a quick head count and noticed Joe not here. I asked my wife were Joe was and got a blank stare. Ashley says he is not in the house and from the looks from the outside of the house his room lights are out. We drive and call to all the known places that he might be but no Joe.
6:00pm We are late to church so off we go. I am thinkin Joe is so grounded when we find him. I tell my wife I will drop her off and then come back and look for him. If I don't find him by 7:00pm then we are calling the cops.
6:08pm We are about to the church when my wife looks over to me and asks, "Did you bring Joe home from the basketball game?". Dad is so very grounded.
Not a puke story but another interesting tale from the lives of the Bollmans. Dad is at son's Basketball game.
5:00pm Basketball games was over and it was time to go home.
5:10pm Got home and started getting ready for Church activities that were starting at 6:00pm
5:45pm Ready to go, I got the kids in the car and wife says lets go. I did a quick head count and noticed Joe not here. I asked my wife were Joe was and got a blank stare. Ashley says he is not in the house and from the looks from the outside of the house his room lights are out. We drive and call to all the known places that he might be but no Joe.
6:00pm We are late to church so off we go. I am thinkin Joe is so grounded when we find him. I tell my wife I will drop her off and then come back and look for him. If I don't find him by 7:00pm then we are calling the cops.
6:08pm We are about to the church when my wife looks over to me and asks, "Did you bring Joe home from the basketball game?". Dad is so very grounded.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Daddy delivers fast food
Wife just recovered from one of those every 30 year women surgeries. Brought her home and everything would have been great accept my wife and I both got stomach flu and too weak to make it to the bathroom. Once past the projectile vomiting and accusation that I was the one that got her sick and about killed her after her surgery she was ready for some fast food.
6:00pm send me out to Wendys
6:10pm in drive through
6:11pm wife calls to ask where am I and to make sure I have sweet and sour sauce
6:15pm Order food with sweet & sour
6:16pm drive off with food
6:17pm realizes the sweet & sour is not in the bag
6:22pm back at the window and ask for 6 packs, he drops in 1, I say 6 plz, so hedrops 2 more in, I stare at him holding my hand of 6 fingers and he drops 2 more in. Close enough, damn kids cant count anymore
6:23 wife calls to say forget getting her pizza and just bring the food back for the little ones as they are now starving
6:30 Get home and dispense the food.
6:35 Been listening for 5 min from my wife on how I took to long and now she has nothing to eat. Got her sick and now I am trying to starve her to death.
6:45 Stomach flu victim number 4 my 18yr daughter comes in and says she is hungry. I said what is the point if you will spew 5min after you eat. Wife gives me the look so off I am again.
7:00 After talking up the Super Supreme Crunch I get my wife to agree to let me get that for her
7:04 Wife calls and asks if I am getting along with my daughter
7:20 Supremes in hand we head over to Burger King for the 18 year old
7:30 In line
7:31 Wife calls to ask when are we coming home, sigh
7:40 Order Chicken tenders
7:42 Bill is $2.84 so I give them $3.00 + .10 expecting a quarter + penny back. I look up trying to figure out why she isn’t giving my change back and there is 3 of them trying to figure out the math, I heard guesses from .15 to 50 cents. They gave up and gave me a quarter, probably figured they earned the penny. I guess it is a lost art of counting change back and if there is no computer who would be expected to do arithmetic manually.
7:47 Daughter exclaims these aren’t chicken Tenders, sigh
7:48 Wife calls wanting her food
7:52 back at the counter, Sorry our mistake, the tenders are only 2.18. I said make sure you figure in the tax on the refunded amount, got a funny look, like there is no way in hell we are attempting a math problem as complicated as (Total1 - Total2)*Tax
8:00 back on the Road
8:01 wife calls again, where is my damn food.
8:10 get home and dispense the food.
8:11 I spend time getting the 8yr old ready for bed
8:20 Wife comes out and all I see is the look of “I will cut body parts off of you as you sleep”. What I say. She claims I didn’t buy enough food as the kids ate her food too and she gets nothing. About that time I her the all so familiar hurls from the 18yrs daughter who ate my wife’s food just long enough to get to the bathroom. Sure glad she used my wife’s tooth brush over mine. So after about 2.5 hours of trying to get food to please I still have a wife angry enough at me that I don’t feel safe sleeping with. I will have to double dose her with perceset tonight.
Sigh
6:00pm send me out to Wendys
6:10pm in drive through
6:11pm wife calls to ask where am I and to make sure I have sweet and sour sauce
6:15pm Order food with sweet & sour
6:16pm drive off with food
6:17pm realizes the sweet & sour is not in the bag
6:22pm back at the window and ask for 6 packs, he drops in 1, I say 6 plz, so hedrops 2 more in, I stare at him holding my hand of 6 fingers and he drops 2 more in. Close enough, damn kids cant count anymore
6:23 wife calls to say forget getting her pizza and just bring the food back for the little ones as they are now starving
6:30 Get home and dispense the food.
6:35 Been listening for 5 min from my wife on how I took to long and now she has nothing to eat. Got her sick and now I am trying to starve her to death.
6:45 Stomach flu victim number 4 my 18yr daughter comes in and says she is hungry. I said what is the point if you will spew 5min after you eat. Wife gives me the look so off I am again.
7:00 After talking up the Super Supreme Crunch I get my wife to agree to let me get that for her
7:04 Wife calls and asks if I am getting along with my daughter
7:20 Supremes in hand we head over to Burger King for the 18 year old
7:30 In line
7:31 Wife calls to ask when are we coming home, sigh
7:40 Order Chicken tenders
7:42 Bill is $2.84 so I give them $3.00 + .10 expecting a quarter + penny back. I look up trying to figure out why she isn’t giving my change back and there is 3 of them trying to figure out the math, I heard guesses from .15 to 50 cents. They gave up and gave me a quarter, probably figured they earned the penny. I guess it is a lost art of counting change back and if there is no computer who would be expected to do arithmetic manually.
7:47 Daughter exclaims these aren’t chicken Tenders, sigh
7:48 Wife calls wanting her food
7:52 back at the counter, Sorry our mistake, the tenders are only 2.18. I said make sure you figure in the tax on the refunded amount, got a funny look, like there is no way in hell we are attempting a math problem as complicated as (Total1 - Total2)*Tax
8:00 back on the Road
8:01 wife calls again, where is my damn food.
8:10 get home and dispense the food.
8:11 I spend time getting the 8yr old ready for bed
8:20 Wife comes out and all I see is the look of “I will cut body parts off of you as you sleep”. What I say. She claims I didn’t buy enough food as the kids ate her food too and she gets nothing. About that time I her the all so familiar hurls from the 18yrs daughter who ate my wife’s food just long enough to get to the bathroom. Sure glad she used my wife’s tooth brush over mine. So after about 2.5 hours of trying to get food to please I still have a wife angry enough at me that I don’t feel safe sleeping with. I will have to double dose her with perceset tonight.
Sigh
Monday, January 23, 2006
New towels are no longer
As most of our towels had the appearance like the dog had played with them, some cases that was true, I decided to replace them. Dang never knew that even with 50% off towels were $9.00. Didn't scare my older daughter a bit who has experience in racking up $300 bills with the wife's credit card. She heads off to the counter for a grand total of $167.00 for towels. Some how my daughter who is of college age decides they should be washed on the sanitary cycle which is 2 hrs in 160 degrees water. Setting on the washer might have as well been labeled "Shrinking Guaranteed". Towels at the ends have shrunk along with 4 inches off the length and with my girth I had paid and need that length. Sigh
Little Boy Gets Hurt
So the now 6yr old had started up wrestling, first year. We had been in the program for 2 mos placing 1st and 2nd at his tournaments. At this point the club required you to pay in the $150 for the season. Being a rising star and his love for it I said sure. As I was signing him up I joking said now he better not get hurt after writing this check. Fifteen minutes later they were loading him up in the ambulance for emergency surgery. Broke his arm in 3 growth plates. As they were shooting him up with morphine he had tears coming down as he asked if they could give him more. Surgery went well with 3 pins and 2 weeks later surgeon was pleased with the results. As far as his growth plates, we will have to wait more 3 mos. Can't keep wondering if I had not said that if things would have been different. Sigh
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
No hitting Please
Being the courteous driver that I am, I like to listen to suggestions on driving from my family passengers but sometime the women in my car can over do it. So I have my whole family, all 5 of them coming back from church in the van. I start to slow down for a turn and all of a sudden its pandemonium in the van. Screaming, and shouts of stop. I am trying to process such helpful suggestions when the beatings start, arms and fists start raining down on me. My mind is racing wildly that I am dragging someone from the car and I need to stop. As I stop in the middle of the road my wife lands a punch on the side of the head at that point I think I hear “fingers caught in the window.” True I had just rolled up the windows up a few minutes earlier. I am now frantically trying to hit all the windows buttons in the down position while fighting off the mob which now the 18 yr old daughter has joined in with. Apparently I had rolled the window up on the 5yrs fingers. Dang a simple, “fingers caught in window” would have sufficed.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
X-mas lights would have been nice
So it is that time of the year to put up the Christmas tree. My wife goes out and brings home a tree that has a fat 9" truck with knots but hey 45 min of sawing and I get the tree up and ready for decorating. The wife pulls out the 7 strands of knotted lights. It is tradition for wife and husband to spend the next hour untangling lights. This year luck was with us as all 6 strands worked. The wife spent the next 1-hour layering on the lights followed by a layer of decorations. Done the wife calls in all 4 kids for the viewing of the lights. With everyone gathered around the tree such as in Clark Griswald Christmas Vacation we were gitty with anticipation for the flipping on the switch to the X-mas lights. Viola the lights came on, all 7 strands. We broke into song as we held hands together. My children became so involved that they jumped high in the air but when they landed with a thud all the lights went out. Sadness fell on the kids' faces and furry filled my wife's face. My wife went nuts on the tree and ripped the lights off saying screw this. I worked 2 fuckin hours on this for this. Another hour later I noticed the fuse was blown on the first strand of the lights plus the fact all 6 lights were on one outlet. So we redid the tree going from one 6 strands to 2 strands of 3 lights then plugging them into their own outlet, now everything was working, finally.
The next morning I notice instead of 2 strands plugged into an outlet of their own they were plugged into each other into one outlet like the night the fuse blew. Son’s response I thought you were wasting an outlet plug so I plugged them all together.
Sigh.
Monday, November 28, 2005
5yr old gets his first Motorcycle
Well I was running out of material for the blog so the Uncle obligated and bought my 5yr old a 50cc motorcycle. I wasn't there but the incident was reported as follows. The boy was out in the Uncle's backyard riding around getting the hang of things for the past hour. Uncle looked away for 5 sec giving my boy the chance he was looking for, the jump. Adjoining the yards there is a 5 foot rock wall cliff. With throttle wide open and a determined look on his face he raced toward the jump. All the Aunt saw from the window was her husband streaking across the backyard with my 8yr daughter screaming the boys name. Being a doctor and all she felt compelled to go assess the situation. It was like an Evil Knievel stunt gone bad. Apparently he got sideways on the approach and slid down the rock face gouging the helmet on the way down but luckily his head stopped his fall. Once again he cheats the ER and avoids a visit. A little shaken but he was ready again. Uncle voted next time it was going to be in a big pasture with no cliffs. All I can say to my sister now if I am ever criticized on my child care is “well at least I didn’t let them drive off a cliff.”
Do it yourself home kit
Warning, this post is a graphical and is not for faint of heart but the story must be told to warn others.
So there I was sitting down on the throne and enjoying 5min of rare peace while I read the paper. After about 30 sec. of enjoyment I started to notice a tinkling sensation from the boys down below. Another 30 sec went by and it became more of a burning sensation, like 5 hundred fire ants biting. This quickly went from ants to "I am on fire". As I rocketed off the seat I noticed the boys were covered in a blue foam, like the stuff you use to clean the toilet. I raced to the sink and hoisted them in and frantically try spraying them off. It took 10 min of continuous running water to finally kill off the pain. Somewhere during the screams and the spraying my wife yells through the door "Don't use the toilet, I am cleaning it" And here I spent all that money on my procedure at the doctors office a couple of years ago when I could have so easily used the home kit method for chemical castration.
Sigh
So there I was sitting down on the throne and enjoying 5min of rare peace while I read the paper. After about 30 sec. of enjoyment I started to notice a tinkling sensation from the boys down below. Another 30 sec went by and it became more of a burning sensation, like 5 hundred fire ants biting. This quickly went from ants to "I am on fire". As I rocketed off the seat I noticed the boys were covered in a blue foam, like the stuff you use to clean the toilet. I raced to the sink and hoisted them in and frantically try spraying them off. It took 10 min of continuous running water to finally kill off the pain. Somewhere during the screams and the spraying my wife yells through the door "Don't use the toilet, I am cleaning it" And here I spent all that money on my procedure at the doctors office a couple of years ago when I could have so easily used the home kit method for chemical castration.
Sigh
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Hey Dad, Something's wrong with my bathroom
I had finished off the brand new bathroom early that year for my high maintenance 17yr old daughter. Tonight as I started to think about starting to relax she says, "hey dad, I think there is something wrong with my bathroom, you need to come look at it." Sigh alright, as I walk in to my master piece of carpentry work I gazed upon a scene of carnage. It looks like a violent murder took place minus the blood. Most light bulbs were burnt out, brand new wall heater burnt up, towel racks ripped from the wall with the pieces strewn over bathroom floor, shower hand snapped off, holes and gouges decorated the walls. Good thing I spent so much time on mudding and painting them too. I asked her WTF happened here. Got the typical response of "I don't know Dad, it just broke"
Sigh
Sigh
Oh by the way .....
We were on a car trip to KC to meet up with some relatives for dinner and we were running behind so every minute counted. Without the DVD system hooked up in the car the kids were behaving as expected, hitting, throwing objects and just plain old high pitched screams. But I was not down because I had a nice restaurant waiting for me with my name on it. Just me and the gourmet buffet in a relaxing environment. We hit Lawrence planning on cutting over to highway 10. As I was heading down the main drag I was required to make a few aggressive lane changes to make the lights. About halfway through the precision driving moves, lights start flashing behind me. Surely they are for someone else, no, they are following me. Wife starts pounding my shoulder screaming its my fault for my aggressive male driving. After I pull over, sitting there my wife stops the beating and calmly says, "oh by the way, one of the headlights are out." Sigh, sure enough the officer walks up and informs me I have a headlight out and he will need license, registration, & proof of insurance and walks back to his car. As I start looking in our pouch that so anally keep all our insurance and registration info I start to panic since all I see is 2004 and some 2005 information. My wife informs me that our 17yr old daughter a month earlier was looking for her car registration and most likely she had pulled all that information out of my car. Cop came back asked for the information only to hear me say , "I think my daughter pulled it out of my car" Hoping to hear a that’s okay I get a "that is not good, please wait here" Kids upon hearing that cheerful news start asking in excited voices, "is daddy going to jail?, is daddy going to jail?" After another 28 min he comes back and gives me a fix it on the light and lets me off with a warning on the lack of insurance and registration. Personally I think he had pitty on me.
We amazingly get to the restaurant before the rest of my family gets there and I decide this would be a good time to go fix the headlight and get the cops to sign off on it on our way back to Mahattan. I ask the receptionist at the restaurant where a Walmart was. She said just go down Metcalf and hang a right on Shawnee Mission and there it will be on your right. Sweet and off I go. Little did I know, women have no time conception when it comes to driving to their shopping destinations. Going down Metcalf meant drive 12 miles for 20 minutes and the left on mission meant drive another 13 miles for 22 minutes. I make it to the automotive counter just as they officially closed 2 minutes earlier. I pleaded my whole story to the cashier and I don't know if it was pitty on me or she was afraid I was going to repeat my whole sad story again starting with the first punch that was thrown back on our driveway. Headlight fixed I rush back to the restaurant and hour and 20min later only to find the family finishing up on dessert and the restaurant closes in 10 min so I was informed I would need to eat fast.
Sigh
We amazingly get to the restaurant before the rest of my family gets there and I decide this would be a good time to go fix the headlight and get the cops to sign off on it on our way back to Mahattan. I ask the receptionist at the restaurant where a Walmart was. She said just go down Metcalf and hang a right on Shawnee Mission and there it will be on your right. Sweet and off I go. Little did I know, women have no time conception when it comes to driving to their shopping destinations. Going down Metcalf meant drive 12 miles for 20 minutes and the left on mission meant drive another 13 miles for 22 minutes. I make it to the automotive counter just as they officially closed 2 minutes earlier. I pleaded my whole story to the cashier and I don't know if it was pitty on me or she was afraid I was going to repeat my whole sad story again starting with the first punch that was thrown back on our driveway. Headlight fixed I rush back to the restaurant and hour and 20min later only to find the family finishing up on dessert and the restaurant closes in 10 min so I was informed I would need to eat fast.
Sigh
Monday, October 24, 2005
Kids and Their Timing
So I had done all the rights things for the little lady on my Sunday honey do list since I was promised to be rewarded that night. Time came, it was about 11:45pm when we started getting funky when bam, our door is flunk open and in marches my 17 yr daughter who proceeds to march around the bed to my wife’s side and jump in. She quickly pulled the covers up over head oblivious to me scrambling to put clothes on. Wife starts hit me saying why didn't you lock the door and I am saying why do we have a 17yr daughter in our bed. Once I get enough clothes on I go around to were my daughter is to ask "WTF are you doing here?" She mumbles something about throwing up and this is the only place she can sleep. That pretty much capped the evening with a daughter in your bed that could throw up.
Sigh
Sigh
Hey Dad look at my Killings
My 15yr old who is a wanta be hunter was so proud when he called me upstairs to show me his killing collection. Look dad he exclaims I killed them all. Yep you sure did. All 59 moths dotted along a section of wall that I had recently repainted. Kids are job security, job security.Sigh
Women and Cars
Wife came home from a hard days work and as I greeted her on the drive way I noticed a wisp of smoke coming from the car hood. I asked her if the car was okay and she responded seems to run. As I got closer I could see green fluid running from out from underneath the car. When I started it up it made a horrible grinding noise presumably its going to be the water pump. What is it with women and cars? If it runs then there is no problem to report. 1. Sign
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Why Bother?
So I am feverishly trying to get my new yard in the front of the house done as I am days away from it being too late in the season to plant. It had to be done today before it rains. I probably spent 3 hours hauling in the dirt and meticulous smoothing and leveling it out the evening before. I had to use a long 2x4 and level but I finally got the slope I needed. I did tell my wife that the dogs could not be let out in front. Translation for my wife must have been, let the dogs out front to dig around in the dirt. When I was leaving for work the next morning my yard looked liked the landscape of WWII shelling with bomb craters everywhere. Too late to fix as it is starting to rain now, maybe next year. Sigh
Monday, October 10, 2005
Lets have a Family meal.
Alright so my wife wants to have a family meal like the Waltons with all six of us at the same time in close proximity of each other eating. Sounds good on paper so I set it up for Sunday night. Were having pot roast, potatoes, carrots, gravy. Other than the occasional flinging of bread at each other things were going pretty well until. My daughter mouths off about my wife sneaking out on the deck. We all know what that meant, wife was sneaking a cig. and nobody is suppose to know about it. Wife retorts back with a quick "shut up" with a response from my 7yr old daughter, mom you smoke. Little 5 year old boy asks if mommy is now going to die? Mom's blood pressure is starting to raise as she quickly denies she smokes. Dad, that's me, then asks, "is mommy a smoker?" Kids all respond with "oooouuu, mommy's a smoker" At this point mommy was frantically screaming shut up, shut up with the 17yr daughter laughing harder and harder on every shut up. Then I screwed up, I laughed also at the mommy show. Mom starting heading for what I guessed as a water glass so I started chanting we love mommy, we love mommy but too late. Water was destined to be showered on me. Unfortunately it also landed on my 5yr old son next to me who got upset. Mom went over to comfort him as he started turning on me since I think he thought I did the water show. I quickly told him mom threw the water. Fire entered his eyes as he quickly filled both of his hands with mommy's breasts and squeezed as hard as he could. Did I mention she had a biopts on one and they were still black and bruised? Anyway mom howls in pain, screaming her nipples are bleeding and is racing around the table holding her injured mammories. Since I knew there was no chance in hell that I was getting any tonight, I closed the meal with "Yes we need more togetherness with family meals."
Sigh
Sigh
There is Dad's way then there is my 15yr old's way
So we got us a lab puppy and I was in the process of house training it. Procedure was to keep it in his carry and first thing in the morning I would quickly throw him out the door so he could do his # 1's and 2's. Well my son decided his strategy would be to just let the puppy out and head off to school. When I came out of the shower I was already running 10 min behind schedule only find the dog has now pissed all over the carpet and sofa, found 7 pairs of shoes, 5 socks, 4 dolls, 3 hats, 2 jackets and 1 purse to chew on and was working on pushing out a #2. Took me 30 min to get the steam vac out and cleanup the train of piss. I asked my son when he got home WTF was he thinking. His response, "puppy looked like he wanted out." Ya, to piss on my carpet.
Sigh
Sigh
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