Frebreez is not BBQ Sauce

I come home starving for dinner only to find the wife grilling chicken breasts in Curlys hickory smoked BBQ sauce. They are to die for on a toasted bun with sharp shedder cheese. I stand guarding these beauties until I hear the words of “Honey please fix up the sandwiches” No problem, I scoop up the chicken and start preparing the sandwiches. As it is no one is standing in line so the first one has my name on it especially since I probably lost 3 pounds while waiting. As I am making my sandwich instead of smelling the once sweet hickory BBQ I smell more of clothes freshener. I fight off the odd smell coming from my taste of heaven and layer on the cheese. Once again the smell starts to smell much stronger like Frebreez. I sniff my shirt cuff which seems to be the source of freshnes since BBQ doesn’t taste like Frebreeze. Sandwich complete. I took a big bite of heaven only to be met with an initial strong taste of Frebreeze. I fight through the Frebreeze taste looking for the BBQ taste. Finally I release, my lips are on fire, my eyes are watering. I spit the sandwich out and start splashing water all over my face. I look at my wife with swollen red lips and said WTF. Apparently when I installed the new Frebreez air freshener which is about 100 times more concentrated then normal Frebreeze, I installed it upside down which soaked a sponge and tongs. The sponge was used on the cutting board and the tongs were used to remove the meat. I just stood there looking at my once proud sandwich in the sink bubbling with foam as I washed it down the drain. Wife hands be a bag of carrots and says here’s supper. Sigh

Soccer Ball, privates, & rolling chair.

I say it was all in fair play, kick the soccer ball as hard as you can at a male’s private. So I was busy working on the computer in the basement with Molly and Gunnar honing their soccer skills in the other room. Next thing I hear is “Don’t be such a baby and kick the ball at me” I hear a loud thud and Molly saying “ I didn’t mean to kick you there” I look over to see Gunnar going to hulk mode. I scream for Molly to run to me. As Gunnar is righting himself he starts justifying his future actions with “She kicked me in the privates” Like a Line Backer coming in on a Quarterbacks’s blind side he races across the room toward Molly. Being the athlete that I am, I push off the desk on my roller chair for the block. He hits me like a ton of bricks and we spin off into the wall. With me hanging on to him he tares out again after Molly who is running around the room. You would think my weight on the rolling chair he was dragging around would have slowed him down but it didn’t’. I was in for a wild ride as he was dragging me and the chair from one wall to the next chasing poor Molly while banging into tables chairs and anything else in the way. Finally Molly found the door to the stairs and disappeared upstairs. Thank goodness he is only 7.
Sigh

Car brakes failed

I get the call that every dad loves to hear at work, “Dad I was in a car accident.” Her version was that the brakes were old and didn’t stop in time. I asked here were she was and she reported she was at the mechanics. I told her that for that kind of boo boo you need a body shop. Mechanics there told me that she should not drive it as the damaged radiator had no fluid in it. Hard concept to convey to my daughter who responded that it still drove. Ca Ching $1,000 deductible. Sigh

MIA Wheel cowlings

Ashley had her new used car for only 3 weeks when I noticed that the front wheel well cowlings were missing. Not parts of it but both wheel wells were completely gone. I asked her WTF happened. Her response was “well dad we were driving down the road behind this truck when “something” flew off and we ran over it. My friend asked if that loud impact noise was serious but I told her I think we are fine.” This is one of those stories that you get the real story 20 years later because for the life of me, I can not figure out what you could run over that would rip both wheel cowlings out. Sigh

Missing wiper blade but other one still works

I am not saying women and cars don’t mix, I am saying the women in my house and cars don’t mix. My wife reports that the wiper blade flew off while in use leaving only the bare metal which was scraping across the windshield. I asked why didn’t you turn it off. Response it was still raining and the other wiper worked. Needless to say that I now have a nice scratch across the windshield. Sigh

Door Bell Ashley needs sleep

Same old story, no sleep but tonight I made it to bed by 11:00. 11:05 door bell rings non-stop. I throw on my pants and take Duke the guard dog to the door. I crack open the door, keeping my right hands on the door just in case. With out words Ashley ducks under my arm and enters. In the 4 seconds it takes to get the dog back in and door lock, I hear my bedroom door shut. I am then thinking, “What just happened here???” When I open the bedroom door to ask WTF, my wife throws me a pillow and says, “Ashley needs some good sleep and they are partying at her house” Arrrgghh

Ashley has not left the bed

I am writing this more for me to document the craziness of it all. Getting into bed when the phone rings, "Dad, I feel sick, please come get me." I get her home and by the time I make it back to getting in bed I notice my spot has been replaced with her. And more recently when I wake up, I never know if it is her or my wife. I can never make fun of people that still have their kids sleeping with them at age 3 as mine is approaching 20. Sigh

Gunnar + Gun = SRS

Dodged the bullet on this one. Miss Molly comes running into the house to report Gunnar is showing the neighborhood kids his gun. Ya, ya that is what boys do. Then I as was thinking what play gun did he have that would draw such a big crowd Molly repeats again, "Dad he has the shotgun out there!" Great all I need is a 7yr old showing off his brothers shotgun to the kids. Joe gets the gun back and amazing nobody reported back to their parents and no police or SRS. Dodged one as this could have been a real entertaining blog entry. If anyone reports this, I will deny it all.

Who has gotta leave?

One day my wife brings home a Rat Terrier Dog someone had given her as the dog was homeless. I thought it was for training my lab dogs for retrieval, wrong. Any way everyone loves the dog which is getting lots of attention. Then I get the ultimatim question from the college age daughter Ashley, “Either the dog leaves or I am out of here!” What? Is this a trick question or what? Wife gives the dog away before I could answer. Sigh

Ashley if you read this, Daddy still loves you.

Pass the Ketchup Plz

Eating steak is a religious occasion around our house. I try and pick a night where all my kids are out or I fill them up on healthy hotdogs before the steak is served. Tonight I had some NY strips. Grain fed, Angus, Choice quality or 12.99 a pound. There was my wife, Joe and myself to divide up the spread. I carefully marinated the steaks in my special sauce in a vacuum container for 3 hours in the fridge. Steaks were grilled in butter to perfection. I was taking off the steaks when in swings my daughter Ashley who says, “what’s cooking” I mutter nothing you would like only to hear her grabbing a plate and swiftly slide 1 of 3 steaks to the plate. What ever, I divide the other 2 steaks between the rest of us. After the prayer we started digging in only to her Ashley ask for ketchup. I explain to her that ketchup is only for bad tasting steak and that her $13.00 steak in a wine steak juice sauce I made, did not need ketchup. She responds with a cup of ketchup smothering the steak. Six bites later she is done and leaves. My beautiful steak is dead in a sea of ketchup. Sigh

Where is the Dog's Bark Collar

Duke the yellow lab now has to wear a bark collar that we take off at night. For some reason I had to put it on the Golden Retriever who has long hair. Next day, Sat, I can't find the collar. Damn kids I blame but still no collar. I check to make sure I had taken it off Duke, no collar. Sunday all day looking, no collar. Monday no collar, wife spent a day looking. Monday night I am out playing with the dogs and there it was on the Golden retriever. She has long hair and anyone in my condition could have missed it. I still maintain with the wife that I took it off and one of the kids put it back on. Damn kids, Sigh.

One person in the batting cage PLEASE!!!!

Molly, Gunnar and myself were out for our daily batting practice. We do tee work in the net first before going to the cages. Some how we were in the “beat the holy crap out of each other with a baseball bat mode.” First one was when Gunnar handed the bat over to Miss Molly handle first and she “somehow” knocked the batt back striking him the cheek bone, nothing makeup can’t hide. Then Gunnar was swinging his bat around and I ran into it with my left wrist. Swelling wasn’t too bad, only the size of a small golf ball. Then we headed over to the batting cages. I was in the one next to Molly giving her constructive instructions. Unknowns to me, Gunnar slipped into the batting cage I was in and starting taking full cuts to time the pitches that were going to Molly. One of those full cuts came around and generated a home run ringing sound off of my right wrist that quickly swelled up to the size of a tennis ball and became stiff. So there I was driving home with Gunnar with a bruised face and me with each wrist on fire from the swelling. Might have to pass on starting the traditional family hunting trips for a couple of maturing years. Did I mention his full cut swings generate in the Park home runs at his little league games.
Sigh

Gunnar and the true purpose of sliding shorts.

This is a Grandma story so I can only assume its true. Gunnar 7, was going to his first baseball game. He was playing in the league and at this level they used the pitching machine. To look the part 6 hours before game time he was in full uniform pants, socks, cleats, shirt, hat and elastic sliding shorts. He was serious and meant business. As Grandma was looking over his uniform she couldn’t help noticing the white elastic shorts so she asked him what those pants were for. Without missing a beat and a serious look of “come on Grandma” he responded, “They are for keeping the Girls out” She didn’t go any further with the questioning, enough said.

May have to move up the Father/Son talk sooner than I thought. Sigh

Joe's Homework or is it Dad's???

It was the normal screaming session of Joe vs Math and Dad. Things ended in the typical fashion of I am too tired why don’t you work out a few examples for me to look at in the morning. Being the good Dad I worked out most the problems but in a scribble manner on the backs of other worksheets. Enough detail that he should be able to figure out the problems.

Two days later I am sitting across the table and Parent/Teacher conference going over Joe’s math progress. Out of the blue the teacher pulls out from the middle of the stack a papers something that looks familiar. Yes the scribble I had done a few days earlier was apparently handed in as homework. I can not remember what I said to weasel out of that hot seat conversation but I promised myself never again would I work out the problems. On a happier note when I told the teacher I hadn’t had Geometry for 30 years and wasn’t sure I had explained it correctly, the teacher did say that I had done an excellent job and had a clear understanding of the material. Sigh

Dad's memory is like a steel trap

My theory is that years of raising kids can take a toll on ones health and memory. It was an exciting day, a day of shopping at Sam’s. As usually when you go in they ask for your card. Being the dedicated shopper I always have my card on top so as not to hold up the line. I send the wife and kids over to the snack bar while I did the shopping. It is amazing the more people you take the higher the bill. I had my shopping list of cheese and another $300 of spontaneous got to have its and head for the checkout. I open my wallet to present my card and nothing. I panic as I am slapping all my pockets trying to find it. I am starting to get looks from people in line. Cashier makes announcement for lost card but nothing. I have to head over to the customer service to get a new card. 20 min later I have my new card and I am back in line. Just then the lovely wife saddles up next to me and says, “Here is your card back” I asked in disbelief where in the hell did you get that from. From you honey, you handed it me. I might have as well handed her a $100 bill, no recollection of doing it or why I did it. Sigh. Crap where are my keys?

What crawled up and died

We had our NetFlix DVD for about 2 weeks because there was never time to watch but tonight was special. Joe was at a friends house and the 2 little ones were at a sleep over which just left me and the wife for self entertainment. It was 10:38pm, wife had just made a perfect bowl of popcorn. Had my coke with perfect slush ice in a frosty mug. Movie was starting and I had to make the comment to my wife, “I can’t believe Ashley hasn’t called today.” Swear to God 10 seconds later my cell phone rings. It’s Ashley and she needs a ride home. Something about she is locked out of her dorm room and her roommate wouldn’t wake up and let her in. I swear I had sent her off to College. Anyway on the ride home she start describing her dumps in the toilet being black with a smell that would peel paint off the wall. Some where while listening to this educational discussion of the gastrica workings I smell something that was dead. Cleaning up vomit had no affect on my gag reflexes but this was something of rotten dead meat. Something must have crawled up there and died. I had to finish the trip home with my head hanging out the window like a dog trying not to lose it.

I get settle back onto the couch and started the movie. 10 min into the movie I see my daughter crawling on the floor in front of the TV but she is lifting her leg for 5 sec like a male dog every 4-5 feet. I am thinking WTF then it hit me. Both me and the wife have left the house. Ashley said she had gas and that was the only way she could get rid of it. How does an evening start with no kids, coke in hand, bowl of popcorn and a DVD movie end of my daughter back home and my wife and I gasping for air outside of our house. DIDN’T I SEND HER OFF TO COLLEGE??
Sigh

I don't scratch

This is still part of the story where daughter Ashley spent 48 hours in my bed. During a brief moment of conscience she asked me to check her fever. Being the caring father that I was I obliged. Now I didn’t have my glasses on so my judging distance was off. When I touched her forehead it was more of a tap. Her reaction was that of crocs jaw come slamming down. With a scream she dug her nails deeply into my forearm before the slow and methodical rake across. This was not an unusual pain for me as I sometimes get that if the wife is not receptive that night but this seemed to be doing a lot of bleeding. Ya like 20 min worth as I kept pressure on it. That was 9 months ago and I still have the scaring of a rapist. When I tell people that all I did was touch her forehead, I get a lot of weird looks with a follow up question of “and where else” She claims she was asleep and doesn’t remember a thing but all I know is now I have 3 scars across my arm now. Didn’t she go off to college???
Sigh

No sickness here unless you count stomache flu

Every year we vote on who will not get sic and be the designated clean up vomit person. I am that person every year. Wife always has this notion that if you provide a vomit bowl that it will be used. With that in mind she places Gunnar on the couch with bowl on floor. I being the experienced vomit cleaner upper will tell you that is great in theory but you need to cover the coach and all the crevices. First blowing he managed to cover all three cushions and 6 crevices that went deep in the couch. Cleaning the tops of cushions after picking up the chunks was relatively easy. It was trying to get that that went down in the cracks in the back of the coach but hey being an expert and 2 hours later the project was done. All I need to do now was dry them out. Strategically I laid them out on and next to the luv seat.

Boy Gunnar not wanting to miss Ranger Walker parked himself later that day in the luv seat. 30 min later he blew not only all over the luv seat but on each vaulting of liquid hit all the cushions that I had just cleaned plus arm rests plus carpet. I had a thought on how to get rid of the massive chunks but it would have involved 2 hungry dogs. Next time, next time.

Same old same old, Molly goes to my bed, sits up and does her number all over blankets, Joe does a number on his sleeping bag. Wife actually used the toilet. College girl misses and covers toilet in green something and sets up camped out for 48hrs in my bed. I have asked this before but DIDN’T SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE????
Sigh

Who's calling please???

Really need some sleep, going to bed at 1:30am. Ringgggg Ringggg 2:28am daughter calling in to report that phone was dropped in toilet. Ringggg, Ringggggg 2:35am wants to know if she can trade out her phone with wife’s? NO Ring ring ring, 2:45am will they replace her phone with same model? WTF? are you for real its 2:45AM in the morning. DIDN’T SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE???
Sigh

Why are you here?

Midnight no sleep night before, must have sleep. Knock knock, ring ring ring doorbell 1:30am. Daughter at the door, needs a good night sleep so came home but too tired to use her key.
DIDNT SHE GO OFF TO COLLEGE????
Sigh

Run away cart

I am pulling into Target and luck be with me I have a premo spot at the front of the store but as I am pulling in I notice that there is a cart in the front of the stall. If I pull all the way in, I should be okay. Plan is to pull in until I barely tap the cart. All is going well as I barely tap it. But then I notice that the carts front end is now slow swing out. Surely there is not enough slope for that thing to start rolling down hill. Oh there is slope and it is starting to pick up speed. Like in a horror film where the victim realizes he must get out of the car fast or be eaten, I throw it into park and frantically fumble with the seat belt that seems to be stuck. Cart is now 4 stalls away from broad siding some Cadillac. Finally I am out and racing wait no hobbling because of the slightly sprained ankle. Fighting through the pain I over take the cart stopping it short 5' from impact. I sort of expected a cheer or clapping from the spectators but most likely they were thinking WTF why was that old fat man in a polo fleece jacket racing across the parking lot for.
Sigh

Game of Chinese fire drill.

My wife and I am sure all wives have their red button. With mine it’s calling her by her mothers name and a helpful critique comment. If pushed, my life is hell for the next few hours. So normally she will not drive the car with me in it since some where down the line I will push the button with helpful comments like “brake, we’re going to die” Today she was driving because the van was in the shop and the backup was a clutch. I can’t drive a clutch due to my sprained ankle. We get to the 4 way stop and I am carefully monitoring who should go next, 3 cars then us. Apparently my wife thought no, screw those red necks in the pickup trucks, I am going. I pushed the button with “your not next” She slammed on the brakes and threw in the emergency brake. Her comment was “I am not driving” I thought well this can’t be good especially with 20 cars behind us, 5 o’clock traffic. She proceeds to get out of the car and comes around to my side. The thought of an angry 5'o clock traffic mob motivated me to get out with my sprained ankle. With the athleticism of a running back that has just pulled his Achilles tendon in full stride, I hop around the front of the car propping myself on the hood as I go. I throw myself butt first into the driver's seat but like normal my wife has left the seat 6" from the steering wheel. I am knocked back out onto my sprained ankle. I collapsed like sack of potatoes. From the ground I move the seat back and pull myself in. As I am driving off I was amazed that nobody honked at me but then again they were probably wondering if there was a part II to the show.
Sigh

Ya right Dad, it is gross

Son announces to me that his stool is plugged. Ya I will get to it later. Besides it was evening and I was tired so off to bed I went. Next morning son reports that Ashley had come home and even though he told her it was plugged, she did her business. So my scenario the next morning is plunging brown chunky soup with my faces inches from this delicacy. Several dry heaves later I am done. I ask her WTF and I thought you went off to college. Her comment “Ya it was pretty gross wasn’t it?” Sigh

What goes around comes around

I guess the old saying of what goes around comes around is true. When the kids were growing up, I would play absent minded driver. There was this stretch of road that ended with a hair pin 15mph curve. I would pretend to be distracted with the large beautiful houses on the right and not seeing the curve. The trick was to not start braking until I would hear the screams from the kids and sometimes the wife that we were going to die. Kids loved this for years. Well last week son Joe, 16, was driving that same stretch of road and hey if Dad can do it why can’t I. I was clueless to his thoughts until I noticed no braking action going on. I shot a quick glance at him only to see a smile on his face. This only increased the fear factor as I realized what trick he thought he was going to play out. Scenario is my son of 16 has 28 min of driving experience, 0 min of stunt experience, balled tires and no concept of his speed. Yes I was convinced this was not good. He over shot the turn but the anti lock brakes kicked in as the van floated to the outside of the turn. When I looked over at his face, he was white as a ghost. Must say I was really impressed with Anti-Lock Brake System. Sigh

It is not lunch but breakfast

I had made an especially good batch of beef stroganoff with steak sauteed onions and mushrooms in a red wine gravy. The left overs were going to make a great lunch, looking forward to it. When I get up in the morning a see my lunch with a fork in an empty tupperware container. I ask the wife WTF? Oh Ashley spent the night and was hungry. I don’t get it. I thought she was off to college. I see/feel her more now than when she was in High School. I really am beginning to believe those that say they change door locks when kids leave the house are serious.
Sigh

Gum and Dryer do not mix

I took pride in keeping our mega washer and dryer in tip top shape. Not sure what the thought process was but somebody threw in a wad of gum into the dryer and cranked it on high. You would think it would just be a blob, wrong. It flung and smeared the whole inside cavity of the drum. Took 90 min of scrubbing with barely legal chemicals to remove. Wife’s comment, “I thought that would be a good project for you” No, a good project would be soaking in my jacuzzi and downing a case of beer. Sigh

1 for the money 2 to get ready & 3 for the SHOW

One more reason the room should be dark for those intimate moments. Our house is setup with our bedroom and dining room connecting to the deck. One morning wife and I were having one of those moments and yes the door was locked. Apparently the shades were opened enough on the deck that the 2 dogs could see. The two were looking in but big deal, they are dogs. Wait or is that 3 dogs I see. No its 2 dogs and Gunnar. Apparently Gunnar was in the dinning room and was curious why the dogs were looking into our bed room so he joined in on the viewing. Afterwards as mom was explaining the show to Gunnar, I pretty much left when the explanation turned to trying to explain why daddy was sleeping on top of mom. And no, amazingly he never spoke of the incident again. A doctor in the family told us it’s the bodies safety mechanism to block out pyscholgical trauma. Sigh

Ashley's Luv for her roommates

I will say that daughter Ashley does entertain with her phone calls. One call that I got was garbled, something about pot, smoke and the police came. Due to the luv she has for her roommates she informed her dorm RA that there was a strange smell coming from her room. Ya like pot, call the cops. By the time cops showed up exhaust fans and steamy shower had removed the smell from the room.
Sigh

Jacuzzi, beer & a happy wife

I had been to the doctor earlier in the day with a twisted ankle. I was thinking how good it was going to feel in the next 2 hours when I was going to soak in the jacuzzi and down a case of beer. As I turned on the sink in the kitchen all I got was cold maybe room temp water. “Ashley”, damn she lives in the dorms, where did she come from? I didn’t hear the shower running. I quickly call her on her cell. “Ya dad I took a shower at your house but the water pressure was low so the shower took longer”. Ya longer until the 50gal water tank was empty. No jacuzzi, no beer, and no loose wife that night. Again I thought I had sent her off to college.
Sigh

Open the car door please

This is why I fear auto shutting car doors. Everyone was piling in but a apparently Molly decided that she was not going to let Gunnar get in on her side to cross over. So while they are having an intelligent debate on his request, unbeknownst to Gunnar Granny had started the automatic door closer. So there he is standing outside of the Van with his hand shut in the door. I don’t think he contemplated the situation fully until mom heard his faint pleas of “my hand”. Pandemonium broke out as everyone was screaming for Grandma to open the door. Grandma not understanding the random screams only froze in the act. I think at this point Gunnar realized this might not turn out good with his hand disappearing in the shut door. Finally someone got the door open. Fortunately he only wore crease marks on his hand, nothing broke. His comment was only “WHAT TOOK SO LONG!!” If this had happened to his sister Molly, we would been in ER. Sigh.

Your hair seems fuller to night

Typical 14 hour day for me at work. I took a nice hot shower and knowing that the wife had just put on clean flannel sheets decided no PJs tonigh, that’s right the buff. As I slid into bed I noticed too that the wife had taken a shower, the mood was set. Just needed to finish a thought and zzzzzz. After a brief 5 hour resting of the eyes, I started to hold my wife. Wow the hair seemed fuller and longer and darker and F____! Its my daughter. So the story goes that she had been partying and got confused so when my wife left she took her spot in bed. Lesson learned, never assume the women in your bed is the women you started off with, sigh.

Flag Football, the Safe Sport

The 6 year old is now into Flag football, a new concept from the backyard tackle with 11 and 15year olds. It was the first game and he was pumped up. He had been coached to crash through the line and get the person with the ball. Quarterback takes the hike, Gunnar is off. Knocking several kids to the ground he is through the line. I am screaming “Gunnar get him”. QB hands off to a girl RB. Now I scream “Gunnar get her.” He hits her a drops her like a sack of potatoes. Crowd starts muttering who was that kid? Now realizing this wasn’t tackle but a friendly game of touch flag football my chants of “Get her” turn to “ya who was that kid?” The crying girl is lead off the field holding her arm while Gunnar is getting a talk from the umpire, “Ya who was that kid.”
Sigh

Cliford Notes Please

Now I didn’t think this to be unusual but others thought I had lost touch with reality. Daughter was having trouble with a College Math class so being on Campus already, I started going to the lecturers and taking notes for her. It’s not like am chauffeuring her around from class to class like her mom, geeez.

Dorm Room Service Please

I thought my biggest challenge was getting my HighSchool daughter out of my bed, I was wrong. Now that she is in college and living the dorm life she has developed new expectations, “DORM SERVICE” please.

I am heading out for racketball at 10:15pm when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call. Tuna sandwich, lite on mayo, lettuce, cheese and black cracked pepper, bag of chips and a chilled diet coke and could you get that here by 10:30pm. Wife tells me, “Do it.” Sigh

Crawling into bed at 12:10am comfy and all when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, daughter had to park out in the bad lands parking lot and needs an escort, “Do it.”, she says.

8:10pm just got home and am enjoying my warmed over dinner when my wife gets the “Dorm Service” call, bring pink shirt for sorority by 8:30, big function, wife says, “Do it”.

Just settled in with a Chuck Norris show at 11:15pm when “Dorm Service”, laptop is having network problems and paper is due tomorrow. Ya, ya, I know “Do it.” And to think she could have gone to another school far away from my house but at least she is not in my bed.

No More Pitching from the Knees

I now know why they won’t let people over 40 adopt babies. Kids are too hard on our bodies. I am 45 and will be 60 when the last ones out. With 4 kids and their chaos some how I forget about events that are potential injury. Gunnar was wanting to practice baseball before baseball tryouts. Did the usually and lug down to the field the net, bucket of balls, bat bag, 20lb hitting tee and started practice. After successful completing the hitting drills, Gunnar was excited to have live hitting, pitches from the old man. Soon he was disappointed as it is hard for a 6' person to pitch down to a 6yr old, too much arch. Remembering from my younger days as a coach, we would pitch from our knees. Make sense, you are now right at their level. I backed away 30' feet away from the plate and start pitching. One after another he smacked fly balls into the out field. I was really impressed with his swing, the pivot of his hips and the power he was putting on it. When the ball is sailing high in the air one doesn’t realize how fast it is really traveling, soon for me to find out. Next pitch I instructed for him to have a more level swing when meeting the ball. He obliges on the next swing with a line drive up the middle. My cat like reflexes are replaced with a rigamortis response. Lucky for me the ball missed my head but slowed down on my ankle then between the legs. I have been hit down there so many times I was only laid out for 20 seconds. All I could hear as I slumped over was Gunnar cheering with excitement as if he had won a carnival ride, he was beaming with pride. Practice was over but I was thinking, next time I will get Joe to pitch on his knees, he is young and he never reads the blog.

Four in a Bed, no Problem

Other than almost dying from Ashley’s driving we make it to Iowa for the reunion. Wife was not going so that left Molly with the aunt and Joe, Ashley and Gunnar in one room with me. Turns out instead of 2 queens there was a pullout and one King. Everyone voted themselves to the King. Confident that my alpha male qualities would be enough to direct people to their proper beds when the time came, I didn’t give it much thought. By 9:00pm it was apparent I was in trouble. Gunnar had already crashed out in the middle of the King and Ashley was lying on the edge. Joe was just coming out of the shower, the air was tense, I could sense that people were going to realize hey there isn’t enough room for all of us in the King. I decided not to go to the bathroom and make my move instead. With the athleticism of a linebacker making a dive on the QB, I cleared Gunnar and most of Ashley, clothes on and all. Then all hell broke loose, like a mad scramble for a loose football. With me in a dominate center of the bed position Joe and Ashley quickly claimed the outer edges of the bed. Pleases, threats and logical arguments had no affect, they were there for the night. For this arrangement to work I had to sleep/lay on my side with clothes on along with my full bladder. Ashley about 20min into the ordeal launched a barrage of nasty farts not to be unchallenged with my own volley. Nobody left and now we all suffered the stench of sweat and farts. Somehow I feel asleep, I think, but at 2:10am had a strong urge for the bathroom. With everyone asleep I should be out and back undetected. I carefully slid myself up and down off the bed undetected. As I was trying to figure out how I could sleep in my 18" gap of a bed there was a sound of a shift. Bodies that were once ridged and straight retracted into a fetal position. My space disappeared, gone. I was driven off to the in-laws bed, the pullout for the rest of the night. Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Studying Late Techniques

It was a long weekend and Ashley need a “little” help on math. That meant, “I didn’t understand the Russian Guy and there is 50 problems due tomorrow.” The plan was that I would work them out and she could reference my work as she did the problems. I must have gotten to ingrossed to notice that she had slipped away and had fallen asleep. Well it was late for a freshman, 3:00am. This aint highschool anymore, Freshman, Sigh

Ashley as a Freshman, Needs Ride

Ashley is now in College as a Freshman. A time where they can focus on there independence from there parents. I know this as I am reminded all the time from my daughter on how she is so done with us and she is on her own, well when its convenient. My wife was picking me up to take me up from work at the university to a 9:30 doc appt. When she picks me up she said she has to pick up our beloved Ashely. I say for what. Wife reports that Ashley called her for ride from one building to the next. By walking a 6 min walk, by car with crosswalk traffic, 15-20min. Oh and she instructed my wife to by back at 10:30 because she needed a ride to another class. Sigh, Freshman.

But It Is Not A Double Line

Joey, Ashley and myself were on our way to Iowa. Some how I found my self on the back road, Highway 2 heading East with my daughter driving. This is a hilly area, steep short hills, very hard to pass on. About 30 min into this near death experience we come across someone doing the speed limit but being a teenager driver this was unacceptable and they must be passed. As I noticed she was casually moving over into the passing lane at the bottom of the hill, we were passing the “No Passing” sigh. I scream at her to get back over, she yells back “why?” I scream with the intensity of we are going to die scream “Get Back Over” As we pull back over I count 3 seconds before I see a white pickup truck cresting the hill coming our way. I am guessing that had we continued our course of death she would have been maybe half a car length ahead in her pass when we would have confront the other truck 300 feet in front of us or with combined speeds, 2 seconds before impact. None of my analysis sunk in, she was more focused that the solid yellow line was not double and why couldn’t she have passed. Sigh

Oh Please Let Me Be Drunk, Dad

So I was coming home from a friendly drink at the local pub when the sirens lit up behind the soccer van I was driving. I had only had 2 beers and that was over and hour ago and being a big guy of 250lbs I would have had more of a buzz from a swig of mouth wash than I had right at the moment.
“Sir, have you been drinking?” Why yes, 2 to be exact. “I am only asking as I noticed the strong alcohol as I approached the car.” I am thinking to myself, does this Copper have a nose of a Canine or what? “Sir please step out of the vehicle, the reason I pulled you over was for a headlight out.” Common theme for me, headlights out and cops. As he directs me toward the front of the car I can tell he is watching my natural athletic posture as I walk. Next thing I hear is “Mike I am going to need backup, I have a big one here” I am thinking please don’t have this end up with me in a fetal position on the ground with a tazer wire sticking out of me. He gives me the basic touch your nose and watch your eyes as he moves the pen, this is the pre sobriety test. Keep in mind there are flood lights in the parking lot in front blinding me and I have not had sleep in 3 weeks. “Sir I am going to fail you on your pre-tests. You hare having trouble touching your nose, your eyes are bouncing, you have slurred speech and strong alcohol on your breath.” I tell him that I feel just fine. He explains that you could drink 1 oz of beer and have a .0005% but fail the test making you impaired under the influence. He said most likely he was going to have to take me in for being under the influence of alcohol but wanted to wrap it up with the breath analyzer. As he was giving it to me, I started thinking that it really doesn’t matter what your blood level is but whether you can past the test and if I had already failed the test then my excuse better be alcohol and not just you are inherently to impaired to drive, ever! Test come back, he has a puzzled look and said, “you are at .01, have a good night sir.” Ten seconds later, he and his backup are gone leaving me standing there thanking my lucky stars that I had an excuse for failing, alcohol.
Lesson learned, make sure car lights lights work if you are going out drinking. Sigh.

Gunnar 6 yr update

Not much of a story but does illustrate the 6yr old has no fear. Worlds of Fun has a sling were they hoist you up 200 feet into the air and let you drop/swing. I would rather be administered a double dose of rabe shots before that adventure but he loves it.

Just finished the county fair tractor pedal competition coming in 1st. It came down to him and a big farm girl but he was going to do it because he wanted the trophy. We are off to state competition later this Fall.

I also got him a 90cc but after the clutch issue with Joe decided we wouldn't try it until he finished 1st grade.

Joe's new 125cc MotorCycle

This was Joe's first motorcycle for him, a 125cc 5 speed manual. Joe had ridden his 6yr old brothers 50cc which is an automatic and did quit well. In his mind he was one 125cc away from having the skill set of a professional rider. I got him aimed down out of the driveway and after about 200 kick starts, didn't know where the choke was, we were idling. Not sure where 1 st gear was, I was going to have to run back in the house and look at the manual. As I left I said, "Joe keep it idling but do NOT try to shift this thing until I get back." I run into the house for a mere 30 sec for the shifting info but when I get back there is no Joe and there is no motorcycle. Not seeing him down the street I scan to my right and see a trail across our yard through our neighbors and a tire skid mark across their driveway followed by a blue skid mark across the driveway. Joe is coming back with a bloody arm. I asked him WTF were you thinking? He said as soon as I closed the door gong into the house he realigned himself for our neighbors house, dropped into first gear, gunned it like they do on TV and let go/popped of the clutch. Could have been worse, he could not have wiped out and gone through our neighbors garage door for $1,200. With this show of good judgement he reminded me that mom had just put him on the insurance so he can start driving the '87 manual honda accord. He assured me that a car’s clutch will be much easier to drive and there will be no further need to drive across our neighbors yard.
Sigh

Thinning Down the Gene Pool

Its fourth of July and the family is off to see the fireworks at Leawood. Being that we wanted to avoid the heavy traffic, we decide to park about a mi away at a office building complex. The parking was nice with grassy knolls between parking areas. We spread our blankets on one of these patches of grass. Good to go, fireworks started but some of the trees ahead were blocking our view. We decided to move up closer to the trees so we could see the show. Kids race forward as I gathered some of our things. When I started walking forward, I saw to my horror Joe and his cousin had moved forward alright, they had moved onto a 4 lane curb less road. They were laying out on the blankets with their heads on the pillows all comfy and not. I screamed “JOE, get out of the road” He turned back to look at me with a puzzled look on his face. He quickly looked to his right as his plight started sinking in. He quickly spun to his left only to see the SUV coming in at 40mph. At this point I might have as well screamed “the Rapters are coming.” In frantic terrorized manner, he scooped up blankets and chairs as he barreled rolled off the road. I asked him WTF were you doing? He could only say “we almost got hit.”
Sigh

Diving Team Tryouts

Leave it to the older sister Molly 9 to convince Gunnar 6 that he couldn't dive off the "High" diving board at the city pool. Next thing the sitter notices is a small crowd gathering around the other end of the pool next to the diving boards. To her horror there was little Gunnar at the end of the High board slowly putting his hands over his head. He doesn’t know how to dive but is just mimicking what he had seen others do. Sitter is screaming,"No Don't do it Gunnar!" But Gunner is too much in diving concentration to hear their pleas. Body falls forward in an outstretched, perfect belly flop formation. Life guard came running over to see him stunned, face down in the water, slowly moving his arms in attempt to swim. His only words were "that hurt". sigh

Punch ...8,9,10 he is out, or not?

I was in the kitchen and I am not clear what sparked this other than sounds like fun. My son Gunnar who is 6 at 70 pounds and an avid wrestler was laying on the couching reading a book. My 9 yr old daughter Molly weighing in at 54 pounds decided to do something dumb but fun. I look over and I see her standing on the top of the arm rest at the other end of the couch were Gunnar was quietly reading. As I was trying to figure WTF, I see her launch her self in a sprawled eagle style toward Gunnar, sort of like they do off the top ropes in WWF. I here a thud as she lands on top of him. With the back of the couch to me blocking my view, all I can see next is her arm and fist rising and falling over and over above the back of the couch. I think Gunnar was so engrossed in the book that the first 2 or 3 punches he would have ignored but no, she did a rapid 5 punches which was enough to trigger his "Hulk" mode. She springs off of him and is making a mad dash toward me. Gunnar comes up with fire in eyes while grabbing the Calamine spray can. Sssssss as closes in on her, he leaves a trail of lotion on the couch. Molly hugs my leg for dear life like that is going to stop his head lock he now has her in. I finally get him in a full nelson and get him quieted down. Later on I ask Molly, WTF, you know he can hurt you bad, "I know daddy but it was fun", sigh.

6yr olds Grand Slam

So I had been spending a lot of time at practices and games with my older boy and the 9yrold daughter with baseball and softball. The little boy had been bugging me to take him out to play catch with him at the ball fields. Off we went, after about 20 minutes of catch and dusk starting to settle in he said, "Daddy I want you to pitch overhand like the big boys do." Reluctant but thinking hey I'll just put a helmet on him and he should be okay we proceed on.. We setup for the first pitch. He looked so cute with his helmet on clutching his bat like old Barry Bond. I was standing about 30 feet away as I unleashed my famous fast ball. The swing was of perfect form followed by a ting. I was then thinking with such a perfect swing where did the ball go when I was met with a burning pain on the side of my head as I collapsed to the ground. As I got my eyes focusing more, I look up to see my boy standing over me with bat in hand saying, "See daddy, I told you I could hit the ball real far." As I recanted my near death experience with my family the older boy Joe, 16 said, "Ya when I pitch to him he hits them to the fence."
Sigh

Who needs a barber?

Most kids do this when they are four but not Joe. He waited until he was sixteen. Mom insisted to Joe that he needed a nice haircut and her being the mom the discussion was done. Joe set out to prove that he could make a statement. Apparently he spent two hours working on his head. When mom got home, all she could do was gasp and start whimpering. Joe had shaved his head. Well what he could reach. He looked a like a mangy dog or someone going through chemotherapy as clumps of hair still remained. It will be will documented as the family reunion is coming up in a couple of weeks.
Sigh

Don't hurt me daddy

It was after baseball practice and Joe had been bugging me to let him drive home. I had said no but before I knew it he was in the drivers seat shutting the door. Before I could get the door handle release he gets the door locked. With lightening fast reflexes I reach in the open window and unlock it but he was quick too and relocked it. I reached in again but my fingers seemed like they just couldn't reach it this time. I was thinking of the physics of this dilemma when I felt a terrible pain on my arm that was reached in. In horror I realized he had shut the power windows on my arm. Apparently my face of panic/rage scared him off as he was now cowering safely on the other side of the car. I screamed something about ripping off his nuts if he didn't release the window. Threats of violence worked and he release my now black and blue arm. Coach came running over and said, "don't hurt his pitching hand". As we drove home I asked him what the hell was he thinking of. All I got was I got scared daddy.
Sigh

Dad’s Dream at Baseball

It was Winter time and me and my boy had been practicing through Winter to get ready for Spring baseball tryouts for the HS. I had spent many of cold days out on the field pitching balls and working on hitting. Today’s practice was different, it was warm, birds were chirping and the big try out was the next day. Our father son practice was over when my son had an idea. He would pitch one to me so I could have the glory of cracking one with the old wooden bat. As he was getting set on the mound I was visioning my perfect swing sending the ball deep to center field. The pitch came, perfect, right down the middle. Using perfect technique I gave the ball a crack, it was going to be a home run. As I gazed out into center field looking for my ball, I hear a thud and in horror see my son stretched out on the ground grabbing his knee. As I helped him hobble to the car, I kept assuring him it was nothing but couldn’t help notice the bloody marks left by the stitches on the inside of the knee.

Luck be with him it didn’t affect his tryout and he made the team. I have sworn off taking batting practice from my kids.

Pukaroma I, II,III,& IV

March 27, 1999 Pukaroma Weekend, the Nightmare Begins.
Cast:
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty
Mom
Dad
Ashley 11
Joey 8
Molly 1.5

9:00pm Family was finishing up eating Daddy's world famous homemade pizza and yes
some say it's better than our beloved Tim McCune's.

10:00pm All is quite, all are asleep.
1:08am I was brought out of my sleep to hear coughing, gulping and a little crying from
hour 18mos old. I dashed into her room to gladly see she was just doing dry heaves. With not a moment to spare I snatched her out of bed with only 9 large steps to the bathroom. But as I
turned around I met mom who was concerned and wanted me to stop so she could assess the
situation, being a nurse and all. My screams of “get out of my way woman she's gonna blow” were ignored by my wife.
The 3 second delay was long enough for the projectile vomit stream to strike me in the side of the face and part of the bed. In a futile attempt to get to the bathroom I left a trail of regurgitated pepperoni pizza.

1:10am As wife gives Molly a bath and starts the one of many loads of laundry, I am going
down stairs to bring up Mr. Bissle to start cleaning up the trail of puke. I was about halfway
done dreaming of going back to bed when I heard out of Ashley's room one large cough then 2
seconds of rushing liquids roaring out of her mouth.

1:25am Her room was a site to see. She had turned and caught the edge of the bed where
it sprayed over the other half of the room. Now here would be a good argument to keep your
stuff picked up in ones room because now all her stuff including clothes had chucks and liquid
pizza clinging to them.

1:30am Mom hauls her to the bathroom where she remained curled in a fetal position next to the porcelain throne. Another load of laundry to be done

1:48am Mr. Bissle has taken care of Trail of Puke and we are now heading into Ashley's
room to deal with the regurgitated pizza spackled floor. I discovered that pepperoni takes a long
time to digest as I had to hand pick those pieces up.

2:08am I am emptying Mr. Bissle when I hear Joe yell I don't
feel well. I asked him if he felt like throwing up and he answered with a rush of vomit. Mom
cleaned him up and sent him to the other bathroom to curl up in the fetal position, this is going to
be a popular position tonight. Another load of laundry to do.

2:59am Done with Ashley's room and halfway done with Joe's carpet when I hear my wife
screaming she can't make it. As I was about ask what did she mean by I can't make it I hear
hacking and coughing with her head pointed at the one spot of carpet untouched by vomit. I
grabbed her and drug her to the toilet where buckets came streaming out.

4:20am 5 loads of laundry are done, beds made, kids and mom curled at the porcelain alter
for the night, my work is done, time to sleep now.

April 8, 2000 Pukaroma Weekend II

These are true stories and as much as I would like to say they are embellished they are not. In
fact I probably have blocked out some of the horrid details. You ask what is the purpose of these
writings? Answer, planned parent hood. If you have a young couple and they are thinking they
are ready for kids then give them the Pukaroma Weekend stories and see if they are ready, I'm
betting not since I'm 40 now and I get weak thinking about the future stories I have yet to write.

A 4 mos boy was added to the all star cast.
Gunnar
The names have not been changed to protect the guilty

Day 1
10:30pm: I had just changed a major dry heave diaper on Gunnar and lucky for me the
diaper had contained the soupage so other than the pungent stomach ripping smell all had gone
well. I was calling it a night. As I was walking back to my bed of comfort I passed Ashley's
room only to hear major dinosaur calls, not a good thing. I ran in hoping she was only in the dry
heave stages but no. There was a 1 foot diameter pool of regurgitated chunked soup on her
comforter. Apparently my turning on the light was a big mistake because when she saw what
was in her bed she freaked. There might as well have been a bed full of spiders as she flung the
comforter with the self contained vomit off the bed. Now chunks and puke came raining down in
the room like a Wizard's blizzard in Warcraft II. Puke had now claimed the walls, desk, blanket,
sheets, bed comforter, and 20sq feet of carpet. After hosing off the comforter on the back porch
(my dogs will love this reheated treat) 2 loads of laundry and 30 min with the Bissle Clean
Machine (can't live without one) I was making Ashley's bed.

11:38pm As a precaution I put towels down on the floor and a large overflow bowl for
future episodes. I was gleefully skipping back to my room after tucking her in when I seemed to
notice gut wrenching odor. It was Molly and she was working on a blowout from the bottom
end. Just as I was going to assess the leakage factor I heard back in the other room more praying to the porcelain alter. As I walked back to Ashley's room I wasn't too worried since she had that bowl but no it was It was all over her blankets. Apparently she was too tired to lean over and hit the bowl.

12:08am Bad news Molly's soupy diaper had penetrated through, blown up the back and
was now soaking into the bedding. I wrapped her up in a towel and gingerly carried her to
the bathtub hoping not to drip any soupage on the carpet. By now the combination of puke and
diarrhea stench was not helping with my digestion of the pizza I had eaten earlier.

1:10am Molly was now bathed and dressed, and in bed asleep. Time to hit the hay. As I
was heading to our bathroom I heard little Gunnar coughing or was that puking? Another reason
not to have extra bedding and cute stuff toys in the crib. Sure enough yellow puke all over
bedding and stuffed animals. As I picked him up he let me know he still loved me with a little
yellow projectile vomiting on me. But luck was with me since my large body had enough surface
area that the puke never reached the carpet. I wiped the puke off of me (his first puke ever),
changed his outfit, washed his bedding and took that well deserved shower.

2:15am Climbed into bed. Wife coming out of her oblivious comma sleep nudges me
saying she had had a rough day and could I keep the racket down, oh and could I get her some
juice. If only I could sleep so well.

2:20am Before my senses take in any more I passed out.

Day 2 Relatively speaking a better day

11:30pm The wife and I had just settled down into the Jacuzzi. As I was twisting off the
cap to my wine cooler I heard a startling pound on the bathroom door followed by "I threw up".
Sigh, wife said enjoy the moment here check on his undocumented claim later but it was hard to
relax knowing there was puke claiming more and more territories as I waited.

12:05am Hauled out my friend Mr. Bissle and headed for Joe's room. The good news was
he leaned over the bed and missed all of the bedding. The bad news was 2 of his dresser drawers
were pullout and thus were visited by Mr. Puke. But that was easy to cleanup as I pulled them
out into a heap for my lovely wife to have for the next morning. Mr. Bissle groaned from the
excessive use and split out a connecting hose spewing water all over the walls. No problem used
a towel on the floor to catch the drippage and grabbed the leaking hose with my hand and hurried on to get the job done.

1:12am Fell into bed, closed eyes but now I hear Gunnar crying, something about a tummy
ache. Brought Gunnar to wife, wife says he's ready to go back. Five min later Gunnar is ready
to visit mom again, and so on and so on.
2:30am Passed out.

6:15am Tap on shoulder its Molly she's hungry now.



February 27, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday III

It truly makes you wonder how parents make it raising kids. No choice of our own an average night our sleep is 5hrs with one to two awakenings. These are all true stories. Molly is 3.5yrs and Gunnar is 14mos.

11:45pm I get the giddy idea that we should go to bed early, so we do, skipping
extracurricular activities and going straight for sleep.

12:19am Gunnar does his stretching shrieking cry. So wife puts him in OUR bed with
bottle. Not a good move in hind sight.

12:30am Gunnar flings empty bottle on to dad's unprotected face, a ritual to let dad know
that he his done and will be settling down for the night in dads ever shrinking bed real estate.

12:45am Whimper noises coming from son, dad ignores figuring its another ploy to push
dad close to edge of bed.

12:50am Gunnar places hands on dads chest to better prop himself up in bed in an effort to
get his head in a more dominating position.

12:51am Gunnar now speaks but instead it's a rumbling cough followed by the ever so
missed projectile vomit. Sigh

1:15am Gunnar is washed down, dad is washed down, new set of bed sheets and
thankfulness that nothing landed on the carpet.

1:18am Gunnar back in bed, dad reclaims bed real estate.

1:30am Molly comes busting in the room running over to mom's side. A little unusual
aggressive behavior for 1:30am but mom brushes off suspicious behavior saying Molly just misses her mommy.

1:31am Molly cuddles next to mom and mumbles something. As mom is guessing what
word Molly is saying mom stumbles on the phrase "throw up". During the process of confirming
this, I am left with the dilemma of do I grab her and fling her into the bathroom 14' away with the gamble I don't make it and thus leaving the trail of puke on the carpet or do I let mom take the brunt of her dinosaur calls. Choice was easy let mom take the hit, since the decision making is in my head but God for bid if she knew I let nature takes its course on her.

1:55am Mom has taken her shower, molly washed up towels laid on bed, we ran out of
bed sheets by now, and everyone dozing off. As I am sinking into my cherished 4.5 hours of
sleep, mom sighs and mutters something about I am surprised the other 2 kids haven't been
singing their song.

6:30am As luck would have it sleep was on our side for now but the weekend is still not
far away.

November 21, 2001 Pukaroma Weekday IV

The day before I had gotten a request for the stories and I had thought to myself glad I am just
sending these stories and not writing them.

6:38 pm Settling in watching my son at basketball at practice, wife is at work and Ashley is
watching the 4 year old and 2 year old at home.

6:40pm Phone rings, Ashley is screaming and crying that Matthew is Puking everywhere and she was leaving in 10 min so I better get home. On the drive home I was trying to remember after cleaning out the basement where I had put Mr. Bissel after the last episode.

6:51pm Came in through the door only to be hit by a heavy acidic blast of odor. From my vast
experience in this type of situation I was able to contain my dry heave urges. The kids seemed
to be settled down and from what I could reconstruct this is what happened. Gunnar started
gurgling which brought Ashley over to check things out. Then he projected out a heavy
green/yellow thick fluid at her which of course landed on the carpet. Ashley turned and ran in terror cowering on the couch as if a mouse was about on the floor. Gunnar scared wanted comfort so he climbed on the couch seeking the comfort he needed from Ashley. Then another belch and mor yellow chunky substance splattered the couch. Ashley jumped off and went racing to her room with Gunnar dripping puke following in her steps.

6:55pm I picked up Gunnar placed him in the bath tub, stripped him down and gave him a
sponge bath, in hind site I should have waited another 5 min.

7:15pm I brought in Mr. Bissle from the garage. By the time I got back Gunnar was crying. I
picked him up expecting more of a mess in the crib but found none. Then I noticed my hands
were starting to feel damp. I started to unzip him but was only half way down before I realized
the dampness was a blow out which went all the way up the back to the neck. Never new mixing
a blowout with puke could be so hard on the lungs.

7:25pm Placed him back in the tub for a complete bath.

7:40pm He is dressed and happy so I better get back to the mess before it sits in.

7:45pm I screw the hose from Mr. Bissle on to the sink only to notice the washer is cracker, shouldn't make a difference.

7:50pm I turn on water for a pre test. Cracked wash does make a difference. Fortunately the
window by the sink took most of the water and rest on the floor, was going to mop later that
night anyway. Dug around a found a non cracked washer now I am good to go.

7:55pm Gunnar is crying again. Apparently he went into his sister room and from what I can
figure started twirling around as he blew because it is everywhere, beds clothes, carped and toys.

8:05pm He is redressed and is in his crib just incase he has more ideas.

8:10pm Mr. Bissle fires up with that every so familiar roar. Starting with the first area hit with puke, I squeeze the trigger for the blast of hot water. Water starts squirting out from the handle dousing me in a bath of water. I cover the leak the best i can I continue on. Ashley being the observant teenager she is points out that I am getting water spots on the carpet.

8:15pm Too much leakage so I decide that I can simple glue the leak with so often used Super
Glue. Gunner pukes again but I just lift him up and change the towel under neath him. Gunnar
doses back off or in my case recharges the digestive system.

8:20pm I carefully align tip of glue bottle of leak on plastic handle and squeeze. No glue so I
squeeze a little harder and a little harder. Then crack the bottle cracks open and glue goes all
over my hands. I have about these stories but they are usually in dumb movies or Red Neck
jokes. Carefully I wash off hands with soap and water, fortunately no story here.

8:40pm Return from store with new bottle of glue and make the necessary repairs. Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

9:00pm Glue is drive and we are back in business. Fire up Mr Bissle only to realize that by
fixing that pressure release point that another one was formed around a rubber connector. No
fixing this so drenched I work my way from one puke zone to puke zones. Oh, and Gunnar pukes and I change his towel again.

10:00pm Everything is cleaned, I take a shower, kids in bed, all towels and bed sheets are now in a heap in front of the washing machine, time to relax.

10:01pm Mom comes in after work only to ask what have I been doing the house is a wreck.

November 22

Ashley, Joe, Molly, Mother come down with all flue symptoms. Dad goes to work on
Thanksgiving day only to be inundated with phone calls to come home and take care of them.
Calls are ignored and Dad escapes the flu epidemic. On the up note my 4year old learned to use
the stool during the illness.

November 23 Bought a Hoover Upright Turbo Steamamatic 7000. It sits waiting for the next
episode of Pukaroma Weekend Series.

No SRS Please, Joes Basketball Game

December 9 2001

Not a puke story but another interesting tale from the lives of the Bollmans. Dad is at son's Basketball game.

5:00pm Basketball games was over and it was time to go home.

5:10pm Got home and started getting ready for Church activities that were starting at 6:00pm

5:45pm Ready to go, I got the kids in the car and wife says lets go. I did a quick head count and noticed Joe not here. I asked my wife were Joe was and got a blank stare. Ashley says he is not in the house and from the looks from the outside of the house his room lights are out. We drive and call to all the known places that he might be but no Joe.

6:00pm We are late to church so off we go. I am thinkin Joe is so grounded when we find him. I tell my wife I will drop her off and then come back and look for him. If I don't find him by 7:00pm then we are calling the cops.

6:08pm We are about to the church when my wife looks over to me and asks, "Did you bring Joe home from the basketball game?". Dad is so very grounded.

Daddy delivers fast food

Wife just recovered from one of those every 30 year women surgeries. Brought her home and everything would have been great accept my wife and I both got stomach flu and too weak to make it to the bathroom. Once past the projectile vomiting and accusation that I was the one that got her sick and about killed her after her surgery she was ready for some fast food.

6:00pm send me out to Wendys
6:10pm in drive through
6:11pm wife calls to ask where am I and to make sure I have sweet and sour sauce
6:15pm Order food with sweet & sour
6:16pm drive off with food
6:17pm realizes the sweet & sour is not in the bag
6:22pm back at the window and ask for 6 packs, he drops in 1, I say 6 plz, so hedrops 2 more in, I stare at him holding my hand of 6 fingers and he drops 2 more in. Close enough, damn kids cant count anymore
6:23 wife calls to say forget getting her pizza and just bring the food back for the little ones as they are now starving
6:30 Get home and dispense the food.
6:35 Been listening for 5 min from my wife on how I took to long and now she has nothing to eat. Got her sick and now I am trying to starve her to death.
6:45 Stomach flu victim number 4 my 18yr daughter comes in and says she is hungry. I said what is the point if you will spew 5min after you eat. Wife gives me the look so off I am again.
7:00 After talking up the Super Supreme Crunch I get my wife to agree to let me get that for her
7:04 Wife calls and asks if I am getting along with my daughter
7:20 Supremes in hand we head over to Burger King for the 18 year old
7:30 In line
7:31 Wife calls to ask when are we coming home, sigh
7:40 Order Chicken tenders
7:42 Bill is $2.84 so I give them $3.00 + .10 expecting a quarter + penny back. I look up trying to figure out why she isn’t giving my change back and there is 3 of them trying to figure out the math, I heard guesses from .15 to 50 cents. They gave up and gave me a quarter, probably figured they earned the penny. I guess it is a lost art of counting change back and if there is no computer who would be expected to do arithmetic manually.
7:47 Daughter exclaims these aren’t chicken Tenders, sigh
7:48 Wife calls wanting her food
7:52 back at the counter, Sorry our mistake, the tenders are only 2.18. I said make sure you figure in the tax on the refunded amount, got a funny look, like there is no way in hell we are attempting a math problem as complicated as (Total1 - Total2)*Tax
8:00 back on the Road
8:01 wife calls again, where is my damn food.
8:10 get home and dispense the food.
8:11 I spend time getting the 8yr old ready for bed
8:20 Wife comes out and all I see is the look of “I will cut body parts off of you as you sleep”. What I say. She claims I didn’t buy enough food as the kids ate her food too and she gets nothing. About that time I her the all so familiar hurls from the 18yrs daughter who ate my wife’s food just long enough to get to the bathroom. Sure glad she used my wife’s tooth brush over mine. So after about 2.5 hours of trying to get food to please I still have a wife angry enough at me that I don’t feel safe sleeping with. I will have to double dose her with perceset tonight.
Sigh

New towels are no longer

As most of our towels had the appearance like the dog had played with them, some cases that was true, I decided to replace them. Dang never knew that even with 50% off towels were $9.00. Didn't scare my older daughter a bit who has experience in racking up $300 bills with the wife's credit card. She heads off to the counter for a grand total of $167.00 for towels. Some how my daughter who is of college age decides they should be washed on the sanitary cycle which is 2 hrs in 160 degrees water. Setting on the washer might have as well been labeled "Shrinking Guaranteed". Towels at the ends have shrunk along with 4 inches off the length and with my girth I had paid and need that length. Sigh

Little Boy Gets Hurt

So the now 6yr old had started up wrestling, first year. We had been in the program for 2 mos placing 1st and 2nd at his tournaments. At this point the club required you to pay in the $150 for the season. Being a rising star and his love for it I said sure. As I was signing him up I joking said now he better not get hurt after writing this check. Fifteen minutes later they were loading him up in the ambulance for emergency surgery. Broke his arm in 3 growth plates. As they were shooting him up with morphine he had tears coming down as he asked if they could give him more. Surgery went well with 3 pins and 2 weeks later surgeon was pleased with the results. As far as his growth plates, we will have to wait more 3 mos. Can't keep wondering if I had not said that if things would have been different. Sigh

No hitting Please

Being the courteous driver that I am, I like to listen to suggestions on driving from my family passengers but sometime the women in my car can over do it. So I have my whole family, all 5 of them coming back from church in the van. I start to slow down for a turn and all of a sudden its pandemonium in the van. Screaming, and shouts of stop. I am trying to process such helpful suggestions when the beatings start, arms and fists start raining down on me. My mind is racing wildly that I am dragging someone from the car and I need to stop. As I stop in the middle of the road my wife lands a punch on the side of the head at that point I think I hear “fingers caught in the window.” True I had just rolled up the windows up a few minutes earlier. I am now frantically trying to hit all the windows buttons in the down position while fighting off the mob which now the 18 yr old daughter has joined in with. Apparently I had rolled the window up on the 5yrs fingers. Dang a simple, “fingers caught in window” would have sufficed.
Sigh.

X-mas lights would have been nice

So it is that time of the year to put up the Christmas tree. My wife goes out and brings home a tree that has a fat 9" truck with knots but hey 45 min of sawing and I get the tree up and ready for decorating. The wife pulls out the 7 strands of knotted lights. It is tradition for wife and husband to spend the next hour untangling lights. This year luck was with us as all 6 strands worked. The wife spent the next 1-hour layering on the lights followed by a layer of decorations. Done the wife calls in all 4 kids for the viewing of the lights. With everyone gathered around the tree such as in Clark Griswald Christmas Vacation we were gitty with anticipation for the flipping on the switch to the X-mas lights. Viola the lights came on, all 7 strands. We broke into song as we held hands together. My children became so involved that they jumped high in the air but when they landed with a thud all the lights went out. Sadness fell on the kids' faces and furry filled my wife's face. My wife went nuts on the tree and ripped the lights off saying screw this. I worked 2 fuckin hours on this for this. Another hour later I noticed the fuse was blown on the first strand of the lights plus the fact all 6 lights were on one outlet. So we redid the tree going from one 6 strands to 2 strands of 3 lights then plugging them into their own outlet, now everything was working, finally. The next morning I notice instead of 2 strands plugged into an outlet of their own they were plugged into each other into one outlet like the night the fuse blew. Son’s response I thought you were wasting an outlet plug so I plugged them all together. Sigh.

5yr old gets his first Motorcycle

Well I was running out of material for the blog so the Uncle obligated and bought my 5yr old a 50cc motorcycle. I wasn't there but the incident was reported as follows. The boy was out in the Uncle's backyard riding around getting the hang of things for the past hour. Uncle looked away for 5 sec giving my boy the chance he was looking for, the jump. Adjoining the yards there is a 5 foot rock wall cliff. With throttle wide open and a determined look on his face he raced toward the jump. All the Aunt saw from the window was her husband streaking across the backyard with my 8yr daughter screaming the boys name. Being a doctor and all she felt compelled to go assess the situation. It was like an Evil Knievel stunt gone bad. Apparently he got sideways on the approach and slid down the rock face gouging the helmet on the way down but luckily his head stopped his fall. Once again he cheats the ER and avoids a visit. A little shaken but he was ready again. Uncle voted next time it was going to be in a big pasture with no cliffs. All I can say to my sister now if I am ever criticized on my child care is “well at least I didn’t let them drive off a cliff.”

Do it yourself home kit

Warning, this post is a graphical and is not for faint of heart but the story must be told to warn others.

So there I was sitting down on the throne and enjoying 5min of rare peace while I read the paper. After about 30 sec. of enjoyment I started to notice a tinkling sensation from the boys down below. Another 30 sec went by and it became more of a burning sensation, like 5 hundred fire ants biting. This quickly went from ants to "I am on fire". As I rocketed off the seat I noticed the boys were covered in a blue foam, like the stuff you use to clean the toilet. I raced to the sink and hoisted them in and frantically try spraying them off. It took 10 min of continuous running water to finally kill off the pain. Somewhere during the screams and the spraying my wife yells through the door "Don't use the toilet, I am cleaning it" And here I spent all that money on my procedure at the doctors office a couple of years ago when I could have so easily used the home kit method for chemical castration.
Sigh

Hey Dad, Something's wrong with my bathroom

I had finished off the brand new bathroom early that year for my high maintenance 17yr old daughter. Tonight as I started to think about starting to relax she says, "hey dad, I think there is something wrong with my bathroom, you need to come look at it." Sigh alright, as I walk in to my master piece of carpentry work I gazed upon a scene of carnage. It looks like a violent murder took place minus the blood. Most light bulbs were burnt out, brand new wall heater burnt up, towel racks ripped from the wall with the pieces strewn over bathroom floor, shower hand snapped off, holes and gouges decorated the walls. Good thing I spent so much time on mudding and painting them too. I asked her WTF happened here. Got the typical response of "I don't know Dad, it just broke"
Sigh

Oh by the way .....

We were on a car trip to KC to meet up with some relatives for dinner and we were running behind so every minute counted. Without the DVD system hooked up in the car the kids were behaving as expected, hitting, throwing objects and just plain old high pitched screams. But I was not down because I had a nice restaurant waiting for me with my name on it. Just me and the gourmet buffet in a relaxing environment. We hit Lawrence planning on cutting over to highway 10. As I was heading down the main drag I was required to make a few aggressive lane changes to make the lights. About halfway through the precision driving moves, lights start flashing behind me. Surely they are for someone else, no, they are following me. Wife starts pounding my shoulder screaming its my fault for my aggressive male driving. After I pull over, sitting there my wife stops the beating and calmly says, "oh by the way, one of the headlights are out." Sigh, sure enough the officer walks up and informs me I have a headlight out and he will need license, registration, & proof of insurance and walks back to his car. As I start looking in our pouch that so anally keep all our insurance and registration info I start to panic since all I see is 2004 and some 2005 information. My wife informs me that our 17yr old daughter a month earlier was looking for her car registration and most likely she had pulled all that information out of my car. Cop came back asked for the information only to hear me say , "I think my daughter pulled it out of my car" Hoping to hear a that’s okay I get a "that is not good, please wait here" Kids upon hearing that cheerful news start asking in excited voices, "is daddy going to jail?, is daddy going to jail?" After another 28 min he comes back and gives me a fix it on the light and lets me off with a warning on the lack of insurance and registration. Personally I think he had pitty on me.

We amazingly get to the restaurant before the rest of my family gets there and I decide this would be a good time to go fix the headlight and get the cops to sign off on it on our way back to Mahattan. I ask the receptionist at the restaurant where a Walmart was. She said just go down Metcalf and hang a right on Shawnee Mission and there it will be on your right. Sweet and off I go. Little did I know, women have no time conception when it comes to driving to their shopping destinations. Going down Metcalf meant drive 12 miles for 20 minutes and the left on mission meant drive another 13 miles for 22 minutes. I make it to the automotive counter just as they officially closed 2 minutes earlier. I pleaded my whole story to the cashier and I don't know if it was pitty on me or she was afraid I was going to repeat my whole sad story again starting with the first punch that was thrown back on our driveway. Headlight fixed I rush back to the restaurant and hour and 20min later only to find the family finishing up on dessert and the restaurant closes in 10 min so I was informed I would need to eat fast.
Sigh

Kids and Their Timing

So I had done all the rights things for the little lady on my Sunday honey do list since I was promised to be rewarded that night. Time came, it was about 11:45pm when we started getting funky when bam, our door is flunk open and in marches my 17 yr daughter who proceeds to march around the bed to my wife’s side and jump in. She quickly pulled the covers up over head oblivious to me scrambling to put clothes on. Wife starts hit me saying why didn't you lock the door and I am saying why do we have a 17yr daughter in our bed. Once I get enough clothes on I go around to were my daughter is to ask "WTF are you doing here?" She mumbles something about throwing up and this is the only place she can sleep. That pretty much capped the evening with a daughter in your bed that could throw up.
Sigh

Hey Dad look at my Killings

My 15yr old who is a wanta be hunter was so proud when he called me upstairs to show me his killing collection. Look dad he exclaims I killed them all. Yep you sure did. All 59 moths dotted along a section of wall that I had recently repainted. Kids are job security, job security.Sigh

Women and Cars

Wife came home from a hard days work and as I greeted her on the drive way I noticed a wisp of smoke coming from the car hood. I asked her if the car was okay and she responded seems to run. As I got closer I could see green fluid running from out from underneath the car. When I started it up it made a horrible grinding noise presumably its going to be the water pump. What is it with women and cars? If it runs then there is no problem to report. 1. Sign

Why Bother?

So I am feverishly trying to get my new yard in the front of the house done as I am days away from it being too late in the season to plant. It had to be done today before it rains. I probably spent 3 hours hauling in the dirt and meticulous smoothing and leveling it out the evening before. I had to use a long 2x4 and level but I finally got the slope I needed. I did tell my wife that the dogs could not be let out in front. Translation for my wife must have been, let the dogs out front to dig around in the dirt. When I was leaving for work the next morning my yard looked liked the landscape of WWII shelling with bomb craters everywhere. Too late to fix as it is starting to rain now, maybe next year. Sigh

Lets have a Family meal.

Alright so my wife wants to have a family meal like the Waltons with all six of us at the same time in close proximity of each other eating. Sounds good on paper so I set it up for Sunday night. Were having pot roast, potatoes, carrots, gravy. Other than the occasional flinging of bread at each other things were going pretty well until. My daughter mouths off about my wife sneaking out on the deck. We all know what that meant, wife was sneaking a cig. and nobody is suppose to know about it. Wife retorts back with a quick "shut up" with a response from my 7yr old daughter, mom you smoke. Little 5 year old boy asks if mommy is now going to die? Mom's blood pressure is starting to raise as she quickly denies she smokes. Dad, that's me, then asks, "is mommy a smoker?" Kids all respond with "oooouuu, mommy's a smoker" At this point mommy was frantically screaming shut up, shut up with the 17yr daughter laughing harder and harder on every shut up. Then I screwed up, I laughed also at the mommy show. Mom starting heading for what I guessed as a water glass so I started chanting we love mommy, we love mommy but too late. Water was destined to be showered on me. Unfortunately it also landed on my 5yr old son next to me who got upset. Mom went over to comfort him as he started turning on me since I think he thought I did the water show. I quickly told him mom threw the water. Fire entered his eyes as he quickly filled both of his hands with mommy's breasts and squeezed as hard as he could. Did I mention she had a biopts on one and they were still black and bruised? Anyway mom howls in pain, screaming her nipples are bleeding and is racing around the table holding her injured mammories. Since I knew there was no chance in hell that I was getting any tonight, I closed the meal with "Yes we need more togetherness with family meals."
Sigh

There is Dad's way then there is my 15yr old's way

So we got us a lab puppy and I was in the process of house training it. Procedure was to keep it in his carry and first thing in the morning I would quickly throw him out the door so he could do his # 1's and 2's. Well my son decided his strategy would be to just let the puppy out and head off to school. When I came out of the shower I was already running 10 min behind schedule only find the dog has now pissed all over the carpet and sofa, found 7 pairs of shoes, 5 socks, 4 dolls, 3 hats, 2 jackets and 1 purse to chew on and was working on pushing out a #2. Took me 30 min to get the steam vac out and cleanup the train of piss. I asked my son when he got home WTF was he thinking. His response, "puppy looked like he wanted out." Ya, to piss on my carpet.
Sigh

Dad lets switch cars

We were at church and my daughter claimed there was something wrong with her car, clutch was floppy. I told her that I would drive it home and she could take the van. I got in her car and sure enough the clutch had no catch to it. I jumped out of the car to get my van back but too late. Daughter had already started the van. I dashed across the parking lot in sprint which probably wasn't that fast for a fat man but all I got was tail lights as my daughter squelled out of the parking lot. I could have caught her at the stop sign but what young females have time to stop for stop signs. I was forced back to the red car to see if I could get it to the shop. I was in the luck, I found about a quarter of an inch of clutch left to do all my shifting in. Had quite the gathering for an audience as I chirped and stalled the car trying to get it in 1st. Aftering waiting an hour and the repair shop because my daughter turned off the cell phone I gave her I asked, "why in the hell would you drive off if you knew the car might be undrivable?" Something about we were all hungry. I also asked when did this master clutch cylinder problem start. She said it had started about 2 weeks ago but it still was sort of working so she didn't tell me then. I tell ya women will drive a car until it physically won't move anymore.
Sigh

Thanks for cleaning the carpet

I am not sure why I bother but every once in a while I can't stand filth and I clean the carpets. Spent 4 hours cleaning the upstair carpets but it was worth it. Carpets went from dark grey to a newer looking gray color. I left the carpets unguarded for I don't know 4 min as I was out on the deck feeding the dogs. Wife comes home with the kids annoucing they are hungry and need to be fed. As I walk back in a see carpets are cover in mud from their returned outing. Wife said ya their shoes got a little dirty while they were playing at the park. Never mind why we wouldn't take our shoes off at the door when we have Dad who cleans our messes up. Next day son lets pup out of cage and insteading carrying him outside he lets the dog run onto the carpet so that added more mess/smell to the carpet. When I complain I get from wife just clean the carpets this weekend, that is part of having kids.
Sigh

Where is the common sense?

Seems like I have a lot of toilet issues but my family thrives on them. I have just settled down on the coach at 10:00pm to enjoy a little SciFi TV after a long day of yard work when I hear my wife scream out there is water covering the bathroom floor. She thinks it came from the toilet. I said can't be because the hose is broken and I had turned off the water to the toilet and had pulled the heavy tank lid off. Apparently my daughter is smart enough to come back in after me and turn on the water and watch the cool water fountain as it fills the bathroom floor up. So not only do have the hose to repair but it ruined the baseboards on the floor, another weekend project.
Sigh

Son as a mechanic

Somewhere down the road my oil cap had come off the van. I used a rag to stuff down in there while I waited for the cap I ordered to come in. As I walk out of the house instead of my 15 yr old watering the plants he had popped the hood and was cleaning off the engine. I can only hope not too much water soaked through the rag.
Sigh

Sorry Daddy

Its not often that I get a Father days gift but this year they bought me a traveling sports fold out chair for their beloved dad. Instead of standing at all the games and practices I could actually sit down, rest and enjoy. I had unwisely left it unguarded in the yard so when my son was mowing he just threw it aside, aside meaning behind his sister's car. In horror I watched as my daughter in typical female fashion gunned it and started down the driveway. She look at me oblivious as I was screaming like a mad man to stop. Bamm crunch, rear tires rolled over it. I started repeatedly slamming my hands on the car to get her to stop, well at least slow down, crunch as front tires roll over it. I screamed "why in the hell didn't you stop?" Response was something about she was in a hurry and couldn't see any reason why she should stop like I was asking her to.
Sigh

Hey is that Daddy's new knife set?

Hey leave it to boys to figure out the real purpose of knives. So I got back from the trade show and of course was conned into buying the complete set of Miracle knives, all 12. As I was putting up the groceries so I could examine my new “Miracle” blade of sharpness, I hear yelling and clashing of metal. In horror I see my complete set of knives strewn across the couch. The boys are playing I don’t know what, swords or kill me if you can cause there are a lot of damn sharp knives here to choose from. Never mind the fact they will slice through tough shoe leather. Damn kids, well any knife fight that doesn’t end up in the ER is a good day.
Sigh

Someone Hates Dave

When I loaded up my first freezer with a couple hundred dollars of meat, it failed with a total lost. Then I get me a nice Kenmore and load it up with $200 worth of pork. It got confused and thawed all my meat out while on vacation. I had it checked out and the guy says it is in perfect order, ya right. So now I loaded it up with $800 of beef and when I get back from vacation there is a pool of blood on my garage floor. Did its thaw thing again, man someone hates me.
Sigh
PS Insurance pays the first $250 in losses

Faster than screamin "SHARK"

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and the kids have joined the masses swimming in the indoor pool. I am sitting along the side reading the paper, relaxing and eating my doughnut. Kids are having a blast in the pool and all is well. As I was reading the sports section I start hearing a strange water noise, sort of like dripping water. I start looking a round and I see from the ceiling a trail of water running off the ceiling. By now everyone in the pool is looking up at the ceiling trying to figure out if that was from a cannonball splash from the fat kid or what.. Just then the 5yr old comes bursting into the pool area, “Daddy, the stool is overflowing and wont stop.” It was like screaming shark at the beach. There was screaming and pandemonium as people where scurrying to get out of the pool.
Sigh

If it looks like fecal it probably is

So we are on a trip staying in a hotel and of course the kids have used all the towels except for one. My lovely wife takes her shower and uses the last one. I ask her where her towel is. I am thinking how dirty could a towel be if used to dry off a clean person? She tells me its dirty, whatever. Women can be so modest. I find the towel and again I might have heard, “its dirty” but with a quick shake I hang it up to dry as I climb in for my shower. I did notice a couple of brown stains but being in a hotel who knows what stains become permanent. Sometime later in the day the stain observation comes out and she confuses that she put the poop stains on the towel. In horror I ask why didn’t you tell me. Her response was she did by saying they were dirty. It would have been too crass for a women to say she had “shitted” on the towel.
Sigh

The real story of dropping the baby

So it was requested what the story was with dropping my now 15yr son on his head as a baby. Not sure if the wife knows about the “real” version. My son was about 5mos and cute as a button. We were getting ready to leave and I had gotten him all dressed up and in his carrier. Wife not being ready which is expected, I sat the carrier on the counter. Being the cautious dad I was, I placed him in the middle and at the far end on the counter. In my defense this was a slick ceramic tile. So as he was sucking on his thumb I noticed a fly buzzing around. Being a typical male needing something to kill I went after it with a relentless effort with my towel. There he was on the cabinet right above my son just sitting there, waiting to be taken out with my mighty towel. I gathered all my strength and delivered a all out swing of a blow. Blamm, took the fly out but my follow through sort of caught the top part of the carrier handle. Did I mention the counter top was slick, anyway the boy and his carrier took of like one of those test rocket sleds down the track. In horror I watched as he quickly cover the 4' of counter space to the 3.5' drop off. I know he might have only been 6mos old but I swore I heard his first word as he went over the edge “dad?” The next thing I heard was a horrible splat. I raced over and all I could see was the bottom of his carrier. Amazing no blood, or real incriminating bruises. Wife yelled out of the bathroom is everything alright, sure I yelled just killing flies. Years later my wife wondered why one of his front teeth seemed sort of dead. Dentist told her he must have had a fall, if only she knew but she doesn’t.

MTV can be bad for a 5yr old

My 5yr old was playing with his 5yr old cousin one day when we noticed that it was awfully quite in the other room. Upon inspection they were naked in the sleeping bag. When questioned WTF was going on. The response was "we're just playing Jessica and Nick Simpson."
Sigh
PS I thought boys waited until 13 for this kind of headaches.

I am stuck DAD

Must have been the first time my boy was around a barbwire fence or he lost too many brain cells when I dropped him as a baby, another story. I was in the farm house enjoying a quite meal when I heard yells of panicked helped. I raced outside to see my 15yr old boy stuck in the fence like peter rabbit in thy bry bush. Of course he was wearing his new $20.00 school team shirt that we just bought. I asked him why he didnt crawl over the sturdy wooden fence section. He said too much effort to walk over there and besides who knew there was a difference between a 5 strand wire and a 3 strand wire when trying to crawl through. Guess the shirt can be used as a cleaning rag now.
Sigh

Dad can't have good tools

Over the course of time most my tools had disappeared with my kids projects. Like who ever has time to return a tool back to Dad’s tool box? So I finally went out and got me a new socket set, wrench combo set that was all organized neatly in its own case. I was so excited that I had a collection of tools that I had access to that I accedently left it on the table before work. When I got home the 5 year old had open it up upside down, emptying the contents all over the floor, putting me back to square one with missing sockets. But hey at least the ones I could find are new.
Sigh

Who’s got time to flush?

I was sitting down working on the computer when I could get passed a strange rank order in the basement. When I asked my daughter if she smelled it she said, “sure its from my toilet.” I asked Why? She apparently left a load of diarrhea in it but forgot to flush. Then the toilet hose fell off and just needed to be reattached. I never knew rotting diarrhea could invoke such involuntary dry heaves but it will.
Sigh

I am not drunk!

Daughter comes home late pass the curfew. During the interview session on how she is not "drunk" she falls, slides down the stairs leaving a trail of mud behind. Punishment was losing her car for a couple of weeks but with all the things she was in guess who had to drive her around to them. Guess she learned her lesson now.
Sigh

I thought I could clear it

Boys seem to have the mentality of “Go for it.” While my son was mowing he came across the metal sprayer attachment that goes on the end of the hose. With the lawnmower cutting height set to high he figured, “surely I can clear it.” Hey at least it made a cool noise as the mower tried to mulch it. I am took it in hoping for a quick fix from the shop but I get instead the question if I wanted to be contacted if the repair was going to be high?
Sigh

When are they old enough

After a hard day of work and going to bed at 2:00am I was needing a good nights sleep. Somewhere between 3:00am and 4:00am my wife grabbed my sleeping pillow mumbling something about your daughter needs it. I asked WTF and she said the daughter is not feeling well. Thinking it was my 8yr old in bed I didn't protest too much with the fact I had to give up my special sleeping pillow. After a restless, tossing and turning night I wake up not to see my 8yr old but my 17yr old in bed with me. Ya hear people say kids grow up so fast and the next thing you know they are grown up and have left home. I am just waiting for the time they are grown up and out of my damn bed.
Sigh

5yr old dodges death

The 5yr old is a kid that does not shy away from death or a competitive race. During a casual ride on his bike with his Aunt's family, he challenges her to a race. With her being 8mos pregnant he was figuring that he was going to clean up even though he was only 5. On your mark, get set, go, off they went down the sidewalk that heads downhill toward the creek. He is a manic slamming through his 5-speed gears, hunched over the handlebars giving it his all. After realizing the Aunt was left behind did he decide he should evaluate the high rate of speed he had just obtained. After a quick backpedal spin like on his old bike did he realize he had no foot brakes, these were hand brakes. Aunt and Uncle were too struck with fear to yell out hand brake, hand brakes. By now his speed had passed 20mph and climbing. He hung on but veered off the sidewalk. The first gully washer he hit bounced him off his seat landing him straddling the bar. The last thing the Uncle reported seeing was his legs outspread and his head bobbing up and down as he disappeared into the creek ravine full of old cedar trees with small lower dead broken off limbs that looked like spikes. When they caught up to him he was coming out holding the family jewels. The side of his face was scratched where the spiky limbs grazed the side of his neck and his shoulder is now black and bruised. He said he didn't want to race any more that night. Hey, any bike ride race that doesn't end up in the ER is a good bike ride. Two weeks later my sister said the gouges along his neck were from branches that were dried out sticks of death but if they would have been over another .5-1.0 inch, they would have impaled his neck which would have meant a lot of blood loss resulting in Death.

Women in my family and plumbing don't mix

I head toward the bathroom for some much deserved rest on the throne but as I get nearer I hear a water running noise coming out of the bathroom. Expecting it to be the facet, I wasn't much concerned but when I walk in I don't see water coming out of the facet. Panicked I see the toilet with water shooting out of the top along the wall. I turn off the water and reattach the tiny hose back on which located inside the tank. When I asked my daughter what happened I get a, "ya water started squirting everywhere." The thought of a women to know when to turn off the water is beyond their grasp.
Sigh

Keep the Projects coming

As usual the garbage disposal was stuck, jammed with something. Checked for the usual stuff, socks, wash clothes but nothing could I feel. I got out the old allen wrench to try and turn it manually, no good. Got the 5lb hammer and started whacking. It was then I could hear grinding glass, great. Twenty minutes later I finally got it to budge 1/8 turn which was enough when I turned it on to finishing grinding the glass. I asked the wife about why there was glass down in the disposal. She reported a glass had fallen inside and continued on. Never occurred to her to remove the broken glass pieces out before the disposal was turned on.
Sigh

Sad Day, Jack the Dog Dies

Our family is greatly sadden by the sudden death of 6 year old lab Jack the family hunting dog. He was a gently dog that would sit during show and tell in school while kids would pat him on the back saying, "Good boy Jack." When the Vet said his body was shutting down from the cancer we knew it was time. The family was at his side comforting him as he was put to sleep. The 5 year old asked mom where was jack going? Mom told him he was going to the big pond up in heaven where he could swim all he wanted. He will be greatly missed by the family.

Wife and Details Don't Mix

So when I get home and getting out of my car I hear a rushing roaring sound. Sort of like a waterfall sound. As I get closer to my house I know I am hearing water. I look over to my faucet and see the hose has blown off leaving a flow rate of 6gal/min. The water around my foundation wall was about 5" deep. Figured at about 400 gal/hr times 6 hours that was a lot of water. Fortunately basement didn't leak. Asked wife didn't you hear the roaring water as you were coming and going? Her response, "Not really, what was that noise?"
Sigh

The Popular Daughter

Apparently my 17yr old daughter did something to make herself popular yesterday. I come out from my house this morning to see the front yard teepeed and my car smeared with trash and food. Hopefully she will explain to them in the future which car is hers and which is mine as they only seemed to target my car and not hers.
Sigh

The Added Touch

Wife had a hard shift at the hospital and I wanted to do something special for her. I decided to make her dinner with all the fixings, just the 2 of us as the kids were out of town for a while. When my wife came home I had the table set with the slow cooked rump roast, squash, salad, red wine gravy and drinks. The aroma was filled with cooked food. She was so excited in anticipation and raced into the bathroom to washup. I left to kennel up the dogs so it would be nice and quite. When I got back to my horror was my 5yr old emptying out a can of Oust air freshener all over the dining room and table saying, "Dad I get rid of the bad smell." My wife and I sat down to an Oust smelling meal.
Sigh.

Don't Bet With A 5yr Old

My 5yr old says, "Dad I bet I can push your car." I mumble something and proceeded into the house. Next thing I knew my wife is screaming hysterically about the car. I turn to see that I must have left it out of gear as he is pushing the car with gaining speed down the driveway gleeful exclaiming, "see dad." Even though the car was only going 3 mph I realized as I was trying to stop it that it had too much momentum. Fortunately for me the street had a up hill and the car eventually roll back down to the drive way.
Sigh.