Kitchen Scissors Food Only Please

This is why I can't trust my kids. I am very OCD in the kitchen and all my spices and tools have their place. I have a nice set of heavy-duty cutting scissors/shears in my kitchen but one day I thought I had seen a strange hair.... one that comes from down south located on the cutting blades. Then one day my son, 17, admits that he uses them to trim up his package over the kitchen trash can. I was so grossed out when I told my wife who chimed in that she uses them too. Arghhhh I was afraid if I asked my family what other tools they were using for various body uses that I would have to throw out half my kitchen toys. Sort of took the fun out of using my scissors while cutting the chicken up thinking about where the shears have been. PS scissors are now missing and assumed to have been reassigned for personal hygiene use…… Sigh

Family Update

Joe has moved out to California and is doing techie stuff Ashley married and moved out Molly is off to college and moved out with family with benefits status. Gunnar still at home in high school. With 2.5 kids moved out the insanity has died down and I am running out of material but going back to a normal life.

Head lights are for sissies

Gunnar, who is a very athletic boy, had taken it upon himself to drive us, brother and I, home from the movie theater. Gunnar, not to be one that needed assistance in life such as how to operate a vehicle, fired up the car. Besides, all 14-year-olds should already know how to operate a vehicle. I mentioned that his mom usually turns off the automatic lights and he probably needed to turn them back on. Without comment, he slams into reverse. Now the parking lot, full of expensive cars, had a lot of driving room before the exit. His brother casually suggests we should turn on the headlights. Gunnar mutters as he puts the car into drive and launches forward with acceleration. Again, his brother says we need to turn on the lights. Gunnar finally responds that he does not know where they are. The car is rapidly gaining speed as we head blindly into what is to become the ditch or a narrow exit to the parking lot. When we were 50ft of the ditch I panicked and screamed STOP. Nothing doing, Gunnar swerves right to the exit lane and turns onto the frontage road which is full of cars. At this point, it wasn’t if but how many cars are we going to hit? Finally, Gunnar realizes that "Hey the lights aren't on, and I can't see with all the oncoming cars blinding me with their headlights. Gunnar somehow spots a parking lot on the left. So off we accelerated in the oncoming lane as the cars in our lane were going too slow. As the head-on car lights stream towards us, he quickly jukes to the left into a parking lot just as the oncoming cars pass over our previous location. I swear instead of stopping, those cars had accelerated toward us. After he stopped what could I say other than, "Amazing driving" as the stunt performed resulted in no deaths and only 4 cars honking at us." Gunnar had no response as he was staring ahead through the windshield muttering something about “Can't believe we made it.” All I can say is a good thing mom wasn't in the car as there would have been a mess to clean up and a possible ER visit. Sigh

The Walmart Bag full of all it's glory

So the little one, princess, who had just finished high school was off to KU to be a doctor to make her family proud. Her mom had held her in high esteem as she was the one who stayed out of trouble in high schools, such as alcohol, sex, and drugs. Then one day, like yesterday, the little one asked her mom to find her glasses, not telling her that she had lost them on her last visit over a month ago. Mom with a stellar record on finding items could not find them. Then she shifted into high gear and started dissembling the house looking for those glasses for her little angle. Then she found it, the Walmart bag that contained items in it. Unimaginable items to be found sent mom into an emotional tailspin. The bag contained male protective gear, lots of it and a couple of used ones, the morning-after pill, and empty alcoholic bottles. Mom cried for about an hour and we are never to speak of it again, the Walmart bag.

Sir I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car

As a ritual coming home from work, I would drive on the outside of the white line of the on-ramp from Kimball to Seth child road. Something I have been doing for 5 or so years. I am always careful to watch for other cars that could be cops. Would hate to be stopped and asked wtf were you doing and why. Well, it happened after 2 beers over a 3-hour period I saw the oh-so-familiar colored lights appear. Standard question of how many beers have you had and I gave the standard answer "2". Ya right, Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car. We went straight to the sobriety test. I walked the straight line perfectly from heel to toe but he stopped me and said sir I'm going to have to ask you to repeat it but slow down. Fine did it again slow. Sir, I need you to repeat and keep your hands to your side. Fine did it again. Sir, I need you to do is slow, hands to your side, and no leaning forward, heal to tow and pause on each step. Great now I am stumbling like a wino, couldn't even do 3 steps. Great, now on to the next fail. Sir, I need you to hold your foot out. Fine, did it no problem. Sir, I need you to hold it 18" off the ground and keep your back straight not leaning over. Fine did no problem. Sir, I need you to switch to your left leg and hold your right foot off the ground. I complained and said I was right-footed and that is why I balanced on the right foot and held the left up. Great now I fell over like a drunken fool. That is when he said he was going to have to take me in for drunken driving. I told him I had only 2 beers. I asked for the breath analyzer and he said whatever but gave it to me anyway. After a big breath the number on the display started to climb .... .01 .013 .... .016 ... at that point he threw me the plastic mouthpiece and said he was giving me a warning. I was about ready to ask "A warning for what?" like I needed to take an elderly balancing class but kept my mouth zipped. Sigh

Blinded

2:30 wife and I are in a comfortable position. Noises wife whispers??.... I think not... Listen... no it was the wind. Back to performing my duties. Seconds later the door flies open light glaring behind it. I'm pretty sure it was Molly but not sure. There was a gasp and the door quickly retreated shut. Words were never said or discussed regarding the event. Assuming the daughter was shocked into blindness by the trauma. It’s a safety mechanism for when her young mind could not comprehend the visual which was a good thing. Sigh

Why 10-5 is not a good idea

My new car and Molly is begging to drive it home from the bar, why not? I have a few beers in me to calm me down. After we merged onto the highway, I hear Molly under her breath say, “we are going way fast” I shoot a glance over to her like “explain yourself” “Oh daddy this is the first time I have ever been on a freeway let alone 75mph. I knew I should have had that 3rd beer. Sometime later she was complaining about the 10-2 hand position on the steering wheel. I suggested try the 10-5 position. She moved the right hand to the 5 position but then turned the steering wheel left to recreate the 10-2 position. The car lunged to the left about taking out the car next to us. She quickly responded with “I really don’t know what I’m doing”, sigh.

New Car Negotiations Skills

The time had come in my life where I was buying my first car and yes I had to wait 30years but the day had come. Came down to a red midsize SUV, negations were going well with the salesperson. I was doing the final paperwork with the checkout person and on the last couple questions he asked if I wanted accidental stain coverage on the leather seats, I declined. Then asked for accidental free flat repair, I declined. I was thinking this is a brand new car, who needs these expensive unnecessary fees? Called car insurance agent to tell him I had a new car. He asked if I wanted full replacement on a new car for the first 6 mos. Ha, I don't have accidents, I declined. Signed the final paper and off to the car they escorted me. I was so excited as I slid onto the new leather car seats. Just as my ass hits the seat my wife let out a deafening scream. Too late, my ink stained pants touched the car seat. Apparently I put their pen in my pocket and it had exploded unbeknownst to me, trickery on their part. First think the salesperson said was not that is a shame but “Should have gotten our accidental protection policy.” Next day I was driving down a city street when the low tire pressure light came on, wft???? Pulled over to see how low a tire needs to be to trigger a light. It was rim on pavement low. Called the sales person and the first thing she said was “should have gotten our accidental tire repair warranty” As I was standing in the dark cold raining in my workout garb I was thinking of something else to say to them other than “ya maybe I should have”. Five days later in a snow storm I was rear ended taking out the back of the car. Within a week of my first brand new car, I had stained seats, flat tire and major damage to the car body. Check please, sigh

Hot Day in the Car

So we are on our way to CO for our vacation, escaping the 100 degree heat of Kansas for the cooler days of CO. By 10:00 the van was starting to heat up. Being a van it had a lot of glass where seemingly the heat was emitting from. an hour later the heat is just blasting from the glass. Fearing the AC has gone out I check the vents and yes its somewhat cool but at least not hot. The sun is so bright its generating so much heat I can feel the hot air hitting my neck almost like that of a hair dryer on low. I throw back another 2 bottles of water and sweat on for another 2 hours of whats becoming a vacation in hell. As I am now fading in and out of consciousness I remember earlier in the trip giving AC control to the rear passenger "Gunnar". Surely not, "Gunnar, the controls are on AC right?" Gunnar quickly responds with a "My bad, was on heater". I quickly reverted rear AC controls back to me and coolness was restored though my drenched shirt was offering some coolness, shower please. Sigh

Von Trapp vs the Elderly

Not sure if this one would be classified as elderly abuse or not. So the family, wife, Molly, Gunnar, and I was attending church. We sat in our normal row, row #3, right behind the elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair who has been attending in his spot since 1909. This arrangement is standard for years but not today. The pastor made his usually good mornings and welcome followed by announcing the name of the first hymn. Molly who wanted to make sure our family was ready, made a verbal announcement to our Von Trapp (Sound of Music) singing quality of a family, “Sing it LOUD and PROUD” No sooner had she made that little comment did our elderly friend started making frantic motions. His electric motor started whining up as he swung it into a hard right and gassed it hard as he shot across the aisle to the other side. The wild uncoordinated operation of his scooter was something I would see from a person after hearing, “The lions are coming, hurry and get to the other side.” In a flash, he was gone only leaving behind a trail of his bulletin sheets along his path of escape. Molly just looked at me, I said I hadn’t farted. I know it wasn’t my operatic voice or the singing reputation of our family that scared him away. Still, it is a mystery as of today what happened that early Sunday morning when the Family was about to sing. Update, he has returned but is seen nervously looking over his shoulder before church starts. My family refuses to get near him as they don't want to be responsible for his death. Sigh